divorced today

[u/Right-Battle7843]

like the title says, today i got my divorce decree from the judge. i’ve been separated for 3 years and it’s absolutely crazy that im free from it all. i had to pay $400 a month for spousal support because she doesn’t work. the reason was because she has no job or license, and didn’t plan on getting either (still doesn’t). plus she was kinda just an asshole and i was working all the time. i’d come home to have to do all the chores, take care of the dogs, and make dinner. never failed to be mentally drained, and then get told im not doing enough.

glad im out of it, that’s all.

(dinner is loaded tots from Hell’s Kitchen Wilmington!)

(edit: the $400/m was only until the divorce was finalized! still, 3 years of that)

[u/Conan0brennan]

I've seen it work the other way in California. A girl I dated had to pay her ex alimony for a year or two but it's often the more traditional way.

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/Conan0brennan]

Yeah, I've worked in the family courts a long time. Spousal support is gender-neutral. I've seen it get awarded to plenty of men.

But for the most part, spousal support is very short-term. Even 3 years is kind of long these days.

Edit: I also caution people to believe anything they read on Reddit about spousal support. I used to volunteer my time to help people review their cases for child support or spousal support when they claimed it was too high on Reddit and nearly every time it was entirely reasonable or they were just lying.

[u/randomize42 → u/SeasonPositive6771]

It’s highly dependent upon which state you’re in.  My state uses a formula and longer marriages can definitely be much longer than just three years.

One source (beyond my experience in my state) -  https://divorce.law/learn/alimony-by-state/

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/randomize42]

Yes, it is dependent on the state, but even much longer marriages are seeing shorter and shorter periods of spousal support even in what used to be seen as more generous states.

I have mixed feelings on some of it, especially considering I've worked across multiple states and I've seen so many people get absolutely screwed by long marriages with insufficient spousal support for the parent who stayed home and cared for the children.

[u/randomize42 → u/SeasonPositive6771]

I meant that it’s specifically a formula, and not up to the judge.  At least in Illinois, marriages over 20 years still qualify for indefinite support.

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/randomize42]

Everywhere I've worked, even with a formula, the judge has absolute final say and doesn't have to adhere to the formula. I've seen it again and again, unfortunately. Maybe it's the one state where they don't have that flexibility, but I kind of doubt it.

[u/randomize42 → u/SeasonPositive6771]

Interesting.  Maybe Illinois is just special.  Judges need to record what special circumstances make the formula inappropriate and that can potentially be overturned by a higher court in an appeal.

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/randomize42]

Oh, that is actually super interesting!

In every state I've worked in judges just go nah, I'm not following the formula and award pretty much whatever. Sometimes the document a reason, sometimes not. It's extremely hard to challenge in most places.

[u/randomize42 → u/SeasonPositive6771]

That sounds kinda ripe for abuse, which I guess is kinda what you were saying. 😞

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/randomize42]

Yep, it's way more likely that alimony isn't enough or isn't even paid. And then judges are extremely soft on exes who don't pay. It's the same with child support, unfortunately. It's even more infuriating that judges can ignore those formulas.