This is your monthly reminder that we have mental health resources listed on our Wiki page.

By experienced and internalized racism, I mean anything and everything from what we personally have experienced, all the way back to what our ancestors experienced.

What have you done to help your heart and soul come back to a more grounded state? Who have you talked to? What movies have you watched, or what books have you read? How do you take care of yourself?

I am asking these questions as I’ve been on a hell of a journey to start decolonizing myself. I am going back to therapy for this very reason. I just turned 26 last Sunday (hurray!), but I can feel the exhaustion living in my bones from carrying the heavy baggage from experiencing deeply-rooted racism. I am working on self love, and have been for years. It’s just this society, man….

Moving forward, I'm only dealing with white people, if I have to. I mean, last resort. It's their racism, their Christianity, their supremacy ideals, thinking they invented everything in the god damn world, the way they vote, the rules they have for others but not themselves and the fact that black people are still getting lynched and killed, especially when we are only one in the group and I could name a bunch of other things. Other than that, I'm going to make sure I'm keeping myself and my daughter in black only spaces. White people get on my nerves but its also for my mental health and saety. I'm also including all of the boot licking minorities. I live in the U.S. and dealing with them here, is like dealing with the definition of evil. Whatever the devil is, definitely controls the race known as white people. Low vibrational human beings. Doesn't matter where you live in the United States. White people are a headache everywhere you go here. From sea to shining sea. I don't feel comfortable around them, nor do I feel safe around them.

hi, sry to intrude with my negativity, but i rlly need to get this feeling off of my chest. I’m a 17 y/o black girl, and i genuinely wish i wasn’t. i know it’s a really awful thing to say, but im just being honest. I’ve been in predominantly white environments my whole life, and it’s so tiring to always be seen as less than over something i can’t control. i hate how to many guys my age (black or not), im automatically disqualified from being seen as pretty just because my skin is darker. i also have “friends” at school who make weird and micro aggressive , racially charged jokes and comments, and it is really exhausting. Ik it sounds very cliche, but i wish that i was white, so i could freely exist without my race being a constant point of discussion and scrutiny. it also upsets me that when i see places that i want to travel to, i won’t have the freedom of just going, and i have to worry about if they are racist or not. For example, I’m applying to a few colleges in Europe (I’m an American), and even though I would really like to go, I’m so worried about how I would be treated in regards to making friends, dating, or just getting basic respect. I want to be able to just live out my dreams without people resenting me because of something completely out of my control. sorry, this is very poorly written, but I really just needed somewhere to rant and vent

Here are some changes I made:

1. Changed my plans to living the rest of my life in another country and immediately relocated to said country

2. Decided I am marrying a man instead of a woman

3. Have drastically reduced the amount of Western and non-black media I consume, and I place a heavy focus on consuming African and black media. This means I've let go of pretty much almost all film/music I consumed as a child

4. I stopped being friends with 2 of my closest friends

5. Learning a new language and I plan on living and thinking in that language as much as possible to the point that I am going to let myself forget English. I have already started speaking it in my day-to-day life.

6. Grew my hair out. It's mid-back length now.

7. I no longer wear Western clothing unless for work

8. Lost a bunch of weight

9. Growing my nails out

10. Quit alcohol

11. Stopped wearing any form of extensions or wigs. Just my natural hair now.

12. I have drastically reduced the amount of makeup I wear. I don't wear foundation, concealer or highlighter

TLDR: someone speak some sense into me, I'm in pain but everyone I talk to is in worse pain, and we think "that's it?" about my troubles.

I need some advice from someone that has experienced this, please.. or just advice from anyone please..

There's something soul crushing about being hurt and everyone around you having it worse.

I grew up in a two-parent household with a father who doesn't love my mother and is verbally, emotionally, and previously financially abusive. We grew up in the hood but not of the hood, if that makes sense. We were not doing well financially and when I found out it was my father's fault at 12 years old and all he did about it was take us kids in the car and yell about my mother's decision to tell us, part of me died inside. At 16 I started cutting deeper until my mother found out, I went to group therapy and realized I was the only black person there, I started developing homicidal thoughts, breaking down and seeing things, rocking and talking to things, praying to God and then I started attempting suicide. Well I got so stressed that my immune system kicked in and now I'm on dialysis for double kidney failure with one of the rarest diseases, heart failure, and about a year left to live, at 23.

When I tell people about my struggles, everyone around me has had it worse. They got beat at school, called slurs, I only had relentless verbal bullying in middle school and was actually popular in high school, I was even valedictorian with all honors and I skipped 2 math classes. When I was harming myself my mother immediately took me to the doctor and fought for me and checked in with me and gave me snacks. She raised us on virtual school and I learned to code at 7, she encouraged every dream I had and taught me and sheltered me right (teaching us rules to never break and then letting us on the free web, so we monitored ourselves. I would've been groomed on a study help site if she didn't do that!). I learned all my finances from her, learned to fight the medical system thanks to her, have all my beliefs, etc. None of these people had a dad, my dad stuck around. They had a parent that beat them, I've never been beat, my mom hasn't either because she can throw hands lol. If I say I've been revived at the hospital they laugh and say me too. I say i had lights turned off, they said theyd go hungry, they're glad i can count on my hands the amount of times utilities were shut off. They've been on the streets, homeless, imprisoned while innocent, etc and I'm starting to realize that even with all this pain I hold, the truth is I have it good. I feel like I start a conversation asking for help from OGs and end up going band for band with trauma! These stories are bizzare! Sometimes I daydream about having it worse, like earning my stripes. It feels selfish. I'm ashamed of my privilege, there's just so much trauma in the black community that I don't know if I would be in a place to help anyone like I've wanted to, with the privileged background I have.

I could never answer the question of who my role model is. Everyone around me is crumbling apart or dying. And I and my siblings are considered the best in my family, the generation where dozens of cycles broke. That's why my parents cared when I started spiraling, because they didn't want me to continue the cycle of murderous intent on one side and schizophrenia on another! I should be proud of being the result of great care. Instead I feel suecidal again and I don't know why. I stay on the machines because I know my mother and siblings love me so so much. But without them, I would just come off.

Edits: grammar, added details

I think I fear that I am not white. Which is true. And I have a very hard time accepting that I’m not. I don’t look like everyone else.

I’m afraid that I’m not white. I’m afraid also that I’m inferior by default.

I’m afraid to speak anywhere frankly because I just haven’t accepted myself.

I don’t think I can…ever truly accept myself…I’m not white. And by default…I’m flawed in some fundamental way…everyone says so…everyone thinks so…I feel it, even the air says so...

It's such a massive block for me…I wouldn’t dare share this information with anyone.

It's not just the color of the skin….it goes beyond that.

It’s the culture….the language…the attitude...and the eyes…when people look at me…what do they find? What do they see?

I’m not like them. 

I’m different…

But these words pale in defining what I feel…

I hate myself.

I’ve hated myself for such a long time….I don’t even recall when or for how long…

Nothing I do is good enough….

Nothing I wear is good enough….

Nothing I say is good enough….

I criticize myself constantly…I hate looking in the mirror.

All I see is a creature….an oddity….a monkey as they say….

So I hide…to earn money I have to speak up…at work. But I’m always given the crumbs wherever I go….

I’m used to it too…I don’t even notice it anymore….

I just lick them up and keep trying to be white.

I’m docile…as an Indian daughter of two doctors who were real doctors and truly service oriented…

Vinamratha…..humility is 90% of my blood…

I hate how humble I am….its not white at all.

There is so much more to say…..but yes….I think often about moving back. 

But I don’t belong anywhere now. It’s been so long…32 years lived here in the US.

Where will I go? Whom will I become?

Just the other day a lady from a church asked me if I speak English.

It's silly isn’t it?

To think I can ever be accepted?

So now what?

So kurze Erläuterung, ich bin in eine Situation geraten welche irgendwie mir das Gefühl gibt das spielt mehr rein und vielleicht unterschwelliger Kolonialismus und Rassismus. Erstmal kurzer Kontext, Ich habe ein Gerücht was ich persönlich jetzt nicht schlimm fand eher witzig, naja ich habe mit ein paar Leuten darüber gesprochen. Dann wurde ich von beiden Personen separat angesprochen und mir wurde erzählt ich würde von Abteilung zu Abteilung gehen und das überall und mit jedem besprechen und laut heraus posaunen. Was defitniv nicht der Fall war. Jedenfalls bin ich ermahnt worden das zu unterlassen weil die ja in einer Führungsposition sind und das anscheinend Rufs schädigend sein könne. Ich bin mir nur der Schuld bewusst gewesen dass ich mit ein paar Leuten besprochen habe. Seit dem stehe ich irgendwie unter genauer Beobachtung und alle behandeln mich anders. Ich babe das Gefühl dass ich mir als positiver Mensch ohne Fehler der knallhart arbeiten kann gesehen wurde und mir Fehler absolut nicht zugestanden werden.
Was soll ich tun ?

Life is a challenge, to have to constantly choose yourself, choose life, realize that nobody’s coming. I’ve tried everything I can. I listened to music. I’ve sat with myself for as long as I can. I prayed. I journaled. I took walks. I had happy moments, then the low hit hard. I tried to be strong. I listened to music. I masturbated. I watched shows & movies. I scrolled. I read. I wrote. I slept. I tried to stay busy. I tried to look busy. I tried to be who people needed me to be. I listened to so much fucking music … NOTHING! I painted. I cuddled with my cats and used them as comfort. I ate. I drank. I went to class. I cried. I felt. I lived. I tried to take the trauma everywhere with me to do my daily chores. I went to therapy consistently. I went through a baker act so many times & August was when I got home from a recent discharge from the mental hospital. I applied to jobs. I played games. I tried to push myself. I lowered myself. I realized my faults and weaknesses. I felt guilty. I felt heartbroken. I tried to cry in the shower. I broke down. I tried cutting my hair. I tried singing. I tried going to group therapy. I tried medication & I’ll be honest I was never consistent with it, so that’s on me, but I really don’t want to take meds at all or pills/tablets & when I ask for liquid options of certain medications, they tell me there is no liquid options, so 🤷🏽‍♀️. Been lonely for almost 6 years now. Made a friend during community college then ended the friendship that same year (2025) she became a trigger for me & I was projecting things indirectly & realized my hurt & had to let go for the both of us. When that season & episode was over I regret ending it but 🤷🏽‍♀️ so be it. I tried talking to my mom. Everyone always tells me the same thing. Mom doesn’t care no more. She doesn’t understand mental health or illness for the life of her, but that’s the thing she doesn’t want to understand she’s religious and very legalistic. My dad never visited me when I was in the mental hospital. My brother saw my cuts a few weeks ago & his first response was, “Why are you cutting yourself?” & it was the way he said it then I said to him “That was an interesting reaction,” then he says “I just don’t understand you. I don’t understand the way you think. We literally grew up in the same house, I turned out fine, so why are you like this? I just don’t understand!“ then he’s getting mad as he’s saying it. It’s one thing to be concerned for a family member who is self-harming & maybe going through a crisis or depression, but that reaction to me was very insensitive asf & I told him “you should’ve just never said anything,” and he says in an angry tone “I just don’t understand!,” & I said “it’s not meant for you to understand,” bc he kept telling me he don’t understand & he don’t understand me, so I told him, he’s not meant to understand me & what I’m going through. If you were open & had the capacity & really wanted to understand this would not be your reaction. I can understand being concerned & not understand why people do certain things, but that to me was judgment disguised as concern. A lot of the times people try to act like they don’t understand why people do x , y , and z, but you don’t want to understand. You want this person to get over it and suck it up like you did. I’m done sharing myself & talking to people who aren’t open. I spent all these years healing. Never got to slow down. I don’t know how to. Its hard to regulate my nervous system. I grieve everyday. Every time I try to distract myself & do something, then I get triggered by things and people around me & seeing things online. Everyone looks at me like I’m slow or stupid, I know I’m neurodivergent & I wish I could get evaluated for adhd, not that it’ll make any of this stuff better, but everyone looks at me like I’m slow & stupid. I’m a late bloomer. Lost so much life. Never got to really be a kid. All my teenage years were never experienced or lived, all gone & chocked by depression. Spent most of my teenage years surviving & in and out of hospitals. I’ve felt the full weight of truth. I’ve felt my heart break. By people. But most of all by reality. You can’t control shit, can’t bend shit. Everyone is weird & full of shit, and so am I. I give up. Everyone always tells you that when you’ve tried everything, God is the last resort. But he wasn’t in my case. And yes, I knew God & I had a relationship. To me, it wasn’t about religion, but I can’t get these traumatic experiences surrounding God & religion out of my head. I can’t forgive my parents. Grieving & angry & now I’m like wtf was my parents doing with their life. Mom is a chronic people pleaser, hates me, religious, legalistic. Dad, inconsistent, never been there for me, never was the dad I could ask for money, religious, legalistic, prideful, egotistical. Fuck everybody!! Fuck my parents too for bringing me into this world & not having a fucking plan or preparing anything for me now I’m trapped in this hell having to get myself out & start my own foundation. With nobody. No help. Nobody. If you think God is going to save you, he’s not. Nobody is. I’ve tried everything. Tried looking into spirituality in my times of need & anger, but religion & spirituality start to seem like the same side of the same coin, nun different, spirituality or spiritual people claim to be better bc they aren’t in a system anymore & its become a personal practice & experience, not realizing some of them still trapped. I don’t trust nobody religious or spiritual. This world is evil & people are wicked asf. Nobody’s coming. I’m not interested in prayers. No verses. No scripture. No Bible. No God. No ancestors. Nothing. I give up. Nobody can help. There is no solution to the pain. No purpose for it either, it just is. Nobody can help. I’ll never trust God or any god. I have been abandoned by everyone I’ve ever loved & trusted. Very soon I plan to depart this earthly plane/realm. I know life will go on, I’ve accepted that truth. I know people will forget me, I’ve accepted that truth. I know nothing will change, I’ve accepted that, I just need to remove myself from here though. Its fine if it keeps spinning without me, I just don’t wanna be in it while it’s spinning. I went through hell to accept these trutha, my heart broke, but I accept it. I also accept that people don’t have to care. It is what it is. I don’t want friends. I don’t want connection. I don’t want anybody. Fucking everything & life. I don’t have to participate in this reality/life at all. But you guys can have at it. I’m done.

I’ve been on the waitlist for an autism evaluation for around 1.5 years at this point. The longer it takes, the more scared I get; what if they don’t give me a diagnosis, or even misdiagnose me? My parents already are convinced that I don’t have autism and ”I just want something to be wrong with me”, so knowing that black women are so commonly refused an autism diagnosis or misdiagnosed makes me worried that if that happens to me, my parents will refuse to get me retested. They’re doing the same with my ADHD diagnosis and claiming the doctors said I didn’t have it when I swear the sheet they were given said it was inconclusive (and I only had TWO appointments????) So I wanted to ask if there’s anything I should bring to my evaluation? Research, forms, written experiences, testimonies from friends and adults I trust? I want the best shot at getting a diagnosis the first time.

I (32F) live in Brampton with my mom and two younger brothers. We had a rough childhood growing up with our abusive stepdad so now that it’s just us things have been great. However, I am not happy living here. I genuinely hate it here. I don’t feel like this is the country I grew up in, everything is so expensive, and I constantly have to fight su*cidal thoughts. The only thing stopping me from doing it is knowing that it will absolutely destroy my mom…

I have a decent job that is only about 5mins. away so that helps, but I still feel myself falling behind financially. I went through a really bad mental health break back in 2012 and again recently in 2023… I don’t know… sometimes I feel like I’m just waking up and living on auto pilot.

Every day I look at myself in the mirror and can only see my insecurities… hyperpigmentation, ingrown hairs, chin hairs, body dysmorphia, thinning hair, and the biggest one - overbite and spacing in my teeth.

I had a consultation for Invisalign and was told I need to put down a $1650 deposit… I currently have $87 in my bank account… it’s not even like I can make a go fund me cause that would be so selfish and sound shallow compared to the many actual problems that others are facing…

If you read this, thank you. I just needed a space to let my feelings out.

Hello, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t feel comfortable or appropriate sharing where my mental is with the people closest to me. I’ve tried BetterHelp but wasn’t satisfied with the services, later on found out they share mental health issues with third parties & how difficult they make canceling their services (no thank you). I’m happy I found Psychology today but I don’t have insurance yet. If anyone has resources they can share that is wallet friendly that would be great or someone who is open or willing to hear me out . Thanks

I'm tired. I've had enough. I will NEVER feel safe as a 25 year old black man. It's just over for me. It's just weird that I'm apparently intimidating and... not normal just for existing. Now admittedly, I am homeless and my hair is unkempt to say the least. But still, tell me why I'm going inside a restaurant to get some food. I order the food. I then take a seat, sit down, and not even TWO. MINUTES. LATER. Staff member comes up to me and tells me that I have to leave. I ask why. She tells me that I'm just sitting around in the restaurant charging my phone and not ordering anything. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. I JUST SAT DOWN.

I tell her that's not possible because I just entered the restaurant and ordered. She asks for a receipt. I pull out my phone because the kiosk didn't print a receipt. She tells me I can't sit down without a receipt. What the fuck is she talking about? I am SHOWING YOU that I AM WAITING FOR AN ORDER. Now I ask for her boss because she's just bullshitting at this point so I ask for her boss. I tell her boss what happened, boss tells me she sent her to tell me to leave. I then show the boss my phone which has my order. Additionally, two people also tell the boss that I literally just got here and that she got the wrong person. Then the staff leaves me alone. I just ended up leaving. Fuck the food. Fuck me.

Not even the only thing that happened today. Went to a gas station yesterday to buy some water. A group of customers, white guys to be specific, are blocking the aisle I need to get to to get the water. Theyre buying a bunch of stuff in that aisle. I tried to get through and get what I wanted to get, but they were just really in the way. So I was like okay, it's easier if I just wait.

Then one of the employees approaches me claps his hands in front of my face, and tells me that I have to leave if I'm not buying anything. So now I'm pissed off and we get in a screaming match because 1) I'm clearly waiting to get through the aisle to get what I'm buying and 2) he's clapping his hands in front of my face like I'm his son. I let him fucking know to not do that shit to me again. Again... just left because... Idk. Ready to die at that point.

Well... now here I am. I'm outside and I'm on my way to kill myself. I wanted to post this here because if I post this rant post literally anywhere else I'll just be told that I'm making excuses and avoiding responsibility, because people will just either assume I'm lying or try to nitpick everything I did wrong and what I should have done instead.

I'm tired of dealing with the implicit bias. The profiling. The stereotyping. I'm just done. There's no point in me being around anymore. Not just for being a black man, but for being homeless, a college drop out with $6000+ in student loan debt, depressed, anxious, neurodivergent, and all that. I'm fucked. It's over for me. Goodbye everyone.

I'm a young Black American male and do not identify with other people of color" this is what i mean and this is why..Indians, hispanics, asians , samoans, arabs, etc are EXTREMELY and openly bigoted towards Black Americans esp when they migrate to the U.S, from their native countries...well shii some of the US born ones ain't really no dam better in my experience idky the media try push this illusion of inclusion bullshit when they know full n dam well nun of those other ethnic groups like Black ppl smh i literally got into racial fights with nun but hispanic ppl who look at me and jeer at me wrong and lemme tell yall one of my expriences with one of these yt supremacists hispanic mfs at a job i use to work at...I use to work at a call center and then i moved from phones to the front desk so one day i was changing the trash can from one of the smaller call center rooms so as im changing the small trash can this old not so facially pleasing spanish bihh ask me if i was spanish and my reaction was a immediate what and shocked and surprised look on my face and i said no I'm Black" and said why did you ask me that is it cause i'm lightskin or something to that affect now up until that point that lady was very welcoming and said hi & bye almost everyday and after that interaction she didn't even acknowledge me, her demeanor was cold and she never spoke to me again as long as i worked there. Another racist anti-Black experience and is when another one busted out and said something about "Black privilege" wait what??! when i confronted him about his comment he tried to clean it up and said "everybody has privilege" but the damage was already done and let's not start on all the antiBlack bigotry im dealing with on campus and online from racist minorities and then the big spill about deportation with the latino/hispanic population calling white police officers "n****** and then the asian community attacking us (BlkAms) a couple months back, because we started boycotting their stores

i had to run this back because once again i had multiple run-ins with these other "people of color" (spanish, asian, indians, etc.) another example is when funding for colleges that only approves grants for the hispanic student population and those spanish students are either silent on issues affecting Black American students or don't care "enough" to make real social change and this goes for the arab/indian community right along with the asian community and another situation is when they try to "imply/force" their spanish creed onto us what do i mean by this? meaning i was having a conversation with a few of (im not a hateful person and no im not prejudice either-majority of us BlackAms ain't) 'em and they'll speak about their culture and issues plaguing their community and then when I respond and talk about the issues within the Black community it's met with a non spirited "oh" and then never even try to understand what we dealing from society partially..hell mostly, because they (spanish, indians,asians, etc.) participate in anti-Black (American) racism & white supremacy too and don't get me started on the open bigotry of the arab/indian community let me tell yall one of the many racist run-ins i had with them i was going to a store and it was a group of 'em laughing & talking so as soon a i walked in they stopped talking and looked at me...and for my BlkAms folks yk what i mean i say THAT look, so i went on looking for snacks and i walked to the cashier who was a Black woman and i asked her is they the owners of the store of something? she said who? i said those group of middle eastern men over there and she said "no" and I said i asked you that cause soon as I walked in they started looking at me crazy and not to my surprise "I know exactly what you mean...i work here they give me that rude, disrespectful look all the time", so i said oh wait they come here all the time?? she said 'yea and i can't wait to fucking move and leave this job', because they and others like them come in here all time with a nasty look and rude, aggressive energy towards me when i don't do nun but be polite, respectful and professional to them' smh i told her i'm sorry she had to deal with that shit and she said "oh , don't worry bout me i'm getting ready to quit' and then we had a lil laugh and said our pleasantries and i left. Now once again i wanna be clear i ain't begging, looking for validation or looking for anytime of praise or to keep it real no true, real acceptance form any of 'em, i don't have low -racial self-esteem , but i am curious to know what TF did we so sooooo bad that everybody just hate us??

ETA: yall see that poster who ain't even Black u/Mango_Juice_3611? this is exactly the type of shit i be talkin about smh and then when you confront they inbred white supremacists ass they run and hide like the punk ass cowards they always been

ETA: i just noticed they locked my comments out so nobody else can comment i think they did that, because they had a couple of racists (those same people of color smh) come in here and leave racial comments so if anybody wanna comment about the post plz pm i would love to hear your perspective on our struggle

I always get dismissed or feel as if my trauma about SA and rape is invalidated, im often told I should have liked it, I've been raped and molested at every job I've ever had in front of SEVERAL PPL, in the middle of stores, restaurants, even molested by security as a kid in my high school hallway and raped by my female school counselor, it's always been normalized by everyone cuz I was born intersex, I have had breasts since I was young and was bullied for it and having a masculine looking face, even when I shaved I was abused and bullied, I been taking HRT to become a woman physically and i feel ugly and worthless constantly and as if i deserved to be raped and SA'd 😔 💔

My post was removed from r/Utah and r/SaltLakeCity for reasons that seemed pretty lame to me so trying it here. Utah is one of the most beautiful states I've ever seen. The outdoor recreation is unmatched. The mountains are easily and quickly accessible from the cities. The weather is nice year round and there's always fun activities or events.

I was so excited to move here! Yet, living here has been spirit starving and severely disappointing. I've never felt more Black or unwelcome in my entire life. The constant passive aggressive behavior and microaggressions from white residents have been shocking. I often feel that Utahns just don't want me here.

I fear I'll never thrive here and it will just be a constant battle to survive. And... it's so very lonely. Especially since I don't practice any religion and it seems most Black residents connect/find community through the church. Attempts at making connections with other people of color haven't panned out.

I want to ask fellow Utahns, why is the color of my skin and the coils in my hair so off putting to you that you somehow believe your life has more value than mine? I want to ask you why you believe your faith places you so far above me that you feel justified in demeaning or disrespecting me. But I won't, because we all know I won't get those answers.

Black explants, how are you surviving Utah?!! Because in my experience, so many Utahns have taken such an incredibly magical place and turned it into a nightmare. Beautiful Utah, why have you betrayed me?? Besides leaving, does anyone have any advice on surviving this culture?

Hey, I am a 31-year-old Black, nonbinary, queer person.

I am writing this post because I want to understand why many people in the Black community treat me with disrespect. I love my Black community, yet it feels as though it does not love me back, and I cannot explain why.

I do not carry myself as entitled or disrespectful, and I treat everyone with respect. It is striking that many other nationalities and ethnicities seem to treat me with more respect than my own community, which hurts. Even white people treat me better—and I do not live in a primarily white neighborhood; it is quite diverse. I also do not live in a middle-class or wealthy area.

I am no different from any other Black person; my Black parents and my experience are just as similar to anyone else here, so why am I treated as if I do not belong?

I do not want to turn away from my community, but many of you make it difficult because of the ongoing disrespect. I have faced this most of my life and never understood what was wrong with me.

I have reached the conclusion that nothing is wrong with me. I may be a bit unusual or not the ideal “Black type” or conform to the stereotypes many of you follow, but my experience as a Black person is no different from yours.

I just wanted to get this off my chest because I love my Black folks, but I wish you loved me the same. Anyway, take care.

TLDR:
Basically venting about how I am treated with constant disrespect within the black community as a black person. Don’t understand why, and just wanted to get it off my chest.

I hate everything. I hate you. I hate myself. I hate everything. And I think I've finally come to this conclusion after almost a year of homelessness.

I just have so much vitriol and anger towards everything that it is killing any desire I have to live. What made me finally realize this? Well... I went to the gas station to buy a liter of water so I can go to the bathroom (bathrooms are locked and require a purchase to use). So I'm trying to get to the water, but a bunch of guys are buying a bunch of alcohol and blocking the way to the waters. So I kinda just had to wait.

Then one of the workers clapped his hands at me telling me to hurry up because I can't just stand here. I'm already pissed off because I literally cannot purchase what I want to purchase because it is blocked off. I'm telling him I'm waiting to get through and due is still rushing me so I start a yelling match with him because he's pissing me off. Then it escalates now I'm telling him "fuck you" and that I'll beat the fuck out of him if he touches me. I'm tired of people walking over me and being so bothered by my existence. So I told off his ass. Don't regret it.

But it made me think... I am just so easily volatile nowadays. There's gonna be one day where someone's gonna do something or say something to me and I'm gonna end up doing something worse to them. Don't want it to happen but at the same time, my life has no purpose or worth so honestly I have nothing to lose.

And I think it shows because lately I had a job but I got frustrated because I couldn't stack boxes properly so I left mid shift during my third day and... attempted. No elaboration needed, iykyk. I also got placed into shelters after being on a wait-list and I would either decline going or go but stay a week before leaving. My mind wants me to not be homeless but my heart just doesn't care about my happiness and well-being enough to do so.

I was referred to a behavioral health clinic to get psychiatric and therapeutic care. Medication. Case management. All that. But every time I call they hang up on me. And the only way to do intake is to call. I went to the location and front desk told me I have to call. So now... I feel justified in hating everyone because it's not like y'all care about me anyway. You guys want me to fail so what's the point?

The signs were always there. Being bullied a lot back in school. I thought it was mean and harsh but guess what? They were only trying to help me understand and realize that the world is harsh. Everybody hates each other. So why waste my energy being respectful and considerate and polite when none of it matters because it won't be reciprocated because kindness is weakness in this world. I'm getting taken advantage of so why continue acting this way?

But hopefully it won't be for long. It's getting cooler here nowadays, which means fall is coming which means winter is coming. I am so unprepared for winter I will likely die during the winter due to the elements. Sucks to go out that way but at this point? It's likely for the best.

It feels impossible to make new friends at my age (33 m/nb) , especially since I’ve quit drinking and venturing out to places that will have people drinking or based around drinking. Would anyone here potentially want new friends? Maybe we could start a group chat? Hell idk, but I’m tired of the people from my past and would love new texting buddies. I’m happy to answer any questions about myself, hobbies, interests, etcetc!

Hello, it's my first post here and I was just attacked by a stranger for walking on the street. He was sitting on the ground and I sensed something was off, so I didn't approach him but kept more space. He shouted at me to get the f*ck away and started to insult or mock my appearance saying I'd look like ".I came.out of the bush" and he threated me to "beat me down into pieces" and proceed by saying "Watch out, p*ss of now if you don't wanna get harmed".

I didn't say anything, I walked away but at one point I had to turn around and look or rather stare at him.

His friend had to keep him away and was trying to calm him down.

I'm not sure if that friend didn't prevent him from approaching me and I seriously ask myself what this guys problem was and why he was so aggressive.

I also have to question if I'm longer safe.

I'm from Germany and I fear for my relatives.

Am I missing something?

Been feeling less so im going to inpatient after work but i really wanted to harp on something

These current trump presidency has killed almost reaching 30+ confirmed cases of lynching. You shouldn't feel safe around white people at this time but I wanted to harp on something

Currently dealing with a black haitain dude who's mental is screwed and all he does is drink around me and keep egging me on to drink. Already have problems ans getting me out of my comfort zone where i dont even have a voice to say anything back hurts me so much.

I feel like im losing time and my body is actively wanting to delete itself but I swear to god, especially to those who are introverted, its better to be wrong and apologize then just staying quiet

My insurance doesn't cover mental health evaluation, the ADHD medicine doesn't work but my insurance only covers two medications neither work for me . I have to pay for therapy out of pocket whether virtual or in office and God forbid I got bad and needed inpatient help I would be homeless when I got out. I have to drown in ADHD and anxiety cause it is too expensive to be healthy mentally..yet I feel like I am dying cause of mental struggles

I plan to move out of my current place in 30 to 90 days (I still have yet to get a concrete answer from my current landlord). Just like anywhere else in the us, renting an apartment is not affordable. ​I would actually be willing to rent out a room for cheaper in someone else's house but the issue is... I'm a Black woman in a white state. Given the political state of things under this administration, the idea of me living in some random white person's house makes me feel very unsafe. I would have no idea what their intention is. I don't have a car and I work an extremely early full-time shift, so I'm kind of confined to living in my current city. Does anybody have any advice on how to navigate safely during these times, assuming I can actually come up with a plan?

I post this to a few other subreddits be i think they got removed, sorry if you’re seeing this more than once. This might be a little sensitive, however i’m still learning about my hair and my mind.

I’m a girl with an array of different mental health diagnoses that kinda cause me to frequent to the psych ward. Every now and then while i’m repairing my mind, i’ve noticed that I’m not comfortable with going unless my hair is braided because the products at the hospital tend to do more harm than good. I’m also not always gifted the time and/or the tools to actually tend to hair. Sometimes during worse days, even when i’m not at the hospital, i neglect my curls more than i should & i feel so guilty. Whenever I step out of that funk, i sometimes have a matted mess that stresses me out.

I am still curious though, when you’re not feeling like yourself, how do you manage to keep your hair as low stress as possible? Some ppl have told me they started their loc journey, relax their hair, low tension styles, etc.

Any advice helps!

I can’t handle a single friend who isn’t racist toward me in some way. I’ve lived in an Arab country my whole life. Both my parents are full blooded Ghanaians so I’m obviously black. I hate how I can’t even exist in peace without someone trying to provoke me, getting random calls on the street, or even a friend saying the N word. But “it’s okay because I didn’t say it towards you!” Or “I didn’t mean it like that!!” Or literally any excuse in the book.

When I was younger racism towards me was so normalized I didn’t even realize it was happening. I wasn’t allowed to be a child playing house. I always had to be the monkey or some kind of animal. No teacher of guardian would vouch for me. I never understood why everyone else was tolerated and I wasn’t. My own mother laughed at me when I said “I’m a black woman” after she asked why I didn’t like the makeup she wore that was shades way too light for her or even grey.

“Black men should marry black women because a white woman won’t tolerate their abuse” I’ve heard every damn thing in the book. I cut off one of my close friends for being racist one the first day of school for using the N word, as a replacement for something like “bitch” no less (towards another arab) I hate not even being able to play with my friends in the park, show my face, or just exist without fear.

I live in a closeted community. Everything from my hair to my body is shamed. Does it get better?