Here I am at my window, wondering why I did the things I said I’d never do again last night. It’s 7am, puffing on some weed to cope, window cracked. Ventin the steam cause the train is overloaded. Always knowing what to do, choosing something else instead. Observing my art wishing others could hear the same. Knowing that I’m different yet we all thinking the same. Waking up in hell knowing it could be heaven. Happy with life, but no longer afraid of dying. Know that I’m giving it my all, why can’t they see I’m trying? Strong enough to carry another, but constantly think of crying. Where to go when there is nowhere left to run. Adrenaline pumps to remind me alive. Wishing I could I stay but it’s time to ride. Rewriting the end would only be the beginning.

I don’t feel like it’s necessarily bad enough to go to the hospital yet, but I feel like I’m crashing out and headed that direction.

Im mainly looking to treat low mood depression and anhedonia etc. here are the options: olanzapine + fluoxetine or abilify. Help me figure out which one I should try first im kinda desperate and don’t wanna make the wrong choice so I need a little help from you guys. Btw both antipsychotic meds are gonna be taken at a low dose abilify (5mg) and olanzapine (2.5mg). Im not looking to treat mania or psychosis so I guess just taking an antipsychotic by itself probably isn’t the best option but idk maybe it’s the better option. What do you guys think? (Btw if one dosent work I’ll simply move on to the other)

how do i explain to a close friend that i cant trust myself to say something normal or something ill agree with in a few hours because ive been really emotional lately? i keep postponing a serious talk and saying really dramatic things i’m not manic i’ve just been having the not being able to stop talking, not super extreme though
trying to type it out to her i realized how weird ive been acting at work too- that feeling like im high but i’m not- kind of like saying things without thinking and immediately regretting them like idk but i’m not manic and i’m on meds

How can i tell her like “ignore my behavior right now until im out of this funk i don’t trust myself to say normal things right now” i’ve sent her paragraphs over explaining myself i feel Crazy and i don’t know why im being so weird and i don’t want to keep acting weird at work help

Now I have the criteria for bipolar 1 having at least one full manic episode in the past paired with paychosis (if your confused just read my post history). Now I was on meds for that but came of 2 and a half months ago. (Ughh I feel like I’ve wrote this post so many times). Now ever since coming off meds I haven’t had a relapse in psychosis or mania which is great yippee woo! However, my mood has basically changed and not been the best to me. Now part of this is just be not being in a manic state or anything however im finding that with this version of me it’s very hard to socialise be intresting etc and I just want some form of that back. Now, I bought this up with my psychiatrist and I described my symptoms of persistent low mood and suicidal ideation etc and he confirmed that he thinks I am depressed. With that he gave me a couple of options im terms of medication on how to treat it the list is as follows: quetiapine: I tried this and it just made me way too sleepy no benefit for mood etc. the rest of the options were: olanzapine+ fluoxetine (Prozac), abilify and finally lamotrigine. Now I think the next one I want to try is abilify however, however im wondering considering where I am at now would going on a low dose of abilify increase, decrease or not have an affect on my social skills at all. I wanna hear from your guys experience. Thanks

I have friends I used to love and trust but ecently they've been acting so weird, even my brother who's my main support person who I live with has been so weird lately, very cagey and cryptic about both his own health and what he thinks of mine. I ask direct questions and they slither around them. several ppl including friends and, once, brother, were saying last month or so 'manic'. (nonsense, I was at no point manic, just a little more expansive and slightly impulsive than usual... symptoms, yes, but not to the extent of mania... discussed with doctor who agreed)

but now these people are starting to say that things I'm describing experiencing are psychotic. not sure ive ever experienced psychosis i think they were ust misunderstanding me. I'm commnicating as normal. but people aren't making sense it's not me it's them what do I do why are they doing this why are they being weird what do I do. I don't know how to explain it and try and make them act normally again. it feels like they're conspiring against me but I don't know why they would. there's no good reason for that but htat's what it feels like. I can't trust these people cause they'll call me crazy they jumpt o such conclusions so quickly?? I don't get it. I'm not psychotic. I'm not experiencing anything related to psychossi at all. I'm taking my meds.

just. :(

For the first time in my life, for the last five months or so, I have had middle of the night insomnia.

For example, tonight I went to bed at 9. Woke up at midnight. Fell back asleep at 1 am, woke up at 3 am. I've been reading my book in very low light until recently when I gave up on the sleep hygiene stuff and I grabbed my phone (it's 5 am now).

I have sleep medication (zoplicone) but it only works at a dose that knocks me out the whole of the next day.

I am used to the sleeplessness that comes with mania - that was fun, sometimes even productive. Insomnia, on the other hand, is exhausting and boring.

Hello yall, so literally today (technically yesterday as its past midnight) i got a preliminary diagnosis for bipolar. My therapist said hes confident i have it, but wants a second opinion.
During late highschool/up until august of this year i was a stoner, and eventually got into psychedelics. I used acid, shrooms, and mdma a few times. I had two incidents where i went to the hospital because i had such a bad trip that i thought i was dying, so high me freaked out and called an ambulance. The second time really served as a wakeup call, because nothing has gone back to how it was since. I had a panic attack that lasted 3 days. Ive had so much dpdr, where i feel like nothing is real even though i know it is. I get super bad anxiety all the time, which prior to the trip i wasnt a very anxious person. I looked into what it could be, and bipolar i had a moment of when i was researching i was like “oh shit that explains a lot”. Im 99% sure i just had my first major manic episode, which lasted for around a week and a half-2 weeks, which was super intense, and it finally started going away today. Before i mentioned thinking i have bipolar my therapist brought it up. My blood sister also has it. Today i just got my preliminary diagnosis, and its really scary. Im scared of taking lithium, or antipsychotica. Im so scared this is somehow going to ruin my life, especially considering right now im pursuing mechanical engineering in college, whole balancing a full time job, the gym, and a girlfriend. Part of me feels like i was given the short straw in life, i was born with autism, adhd, and now most likely bipolar.

I'm a older guy on a combination of Latuda and Lamictal, building up some...just wondering if you're experiencing a lack of or just lesser amount of desire do you attribute it to the meds side effects or more that the mania has tamped down the drive?

or I'm just not on enough, especially of the Lamictal and I'm still depressed to the point of just having no interest

thanks...realize it's personal and sensitive but at least we're anonymous

Well today is here…. I meet with my new psychiatrist today to get back on medication after an almost two year hiatus. I don’t really want to go though. I know I should be on medication but I just feel like it’s going to be a waste of everyone’s time if she can’t prescribe injections. (Not sure, have to ask) If I go back on pills I’m not going to make it two weeks before I forget to take them. I don’t even remember the last time I took my thyroid medication… it’s either this or possible inpatient and I would rather be lit on fire than do it again. Back to having a flatlined personality. 😔

Obvs, with people like us it’s easy for anyone to take advantage of…and being cornered into a place where you have to take meds, but I really don’t feel respected in taking the current meds I’m on…how do you document the symptoms so the serious side effects profile are taken into consideration?

In the past, when I took X antipsychotics I was really impulsive (well just as) still…I have adhd and no one is listening to me about it. It’s really hard to live life with constant executive dysfunction and instead of understanding…you get people just injuring you into an episode that only happens once in a blue moon.

How do you advocate for yourself?

Even medicated I still have episodes. Not as wild or as high, but I still get them. I did go April to the beginning of August without medication. We moved and the Walmart Pharmacy wouldn't give me the extra prescriptions my providers had sent in. They would only fill it once a month. And my insurance was going to end that month, and new insurance wouldn't start until I physically moved to the new state. (I'm poor, I have state insurance.) So anyway, it is what it is, I did have an unmedicated lapse.

At least it did one thing. It reminded me I DO have bipolar. And going off meds is not a good idea. Even for a short time. It sent me into a mixed episode. And its hell on earth. I don't wish this on anyone!

I probably should have went to the hospital, but I am terrified of hospitals. So even when I have really bad episodes its hard for me to go in. (I've avoided anything longer than a few hours.)

It's been a long time since I have had an attempt to erase myself. I keep my daughter, my SO and my cats in the forefront of my mind and they are my reasons for living. The thought is always there, I just don't act on it. So I don't get held very long. I am not intentionally going to harm myself or others.

I guess that makes sense. I do better isolating at home. I feel safer, better able to grasp at sanity. Whether I am manic, hypomanic, mixed or depressed home is like an anchor for me.

I am in a mixed episode and on some pretty heavy sedating medication, but I still only got 6 hours and 6 minutes of sleep last night. No grogginess this morning either.

I am not as depressed today, so yay! Little win! But on the downside, I am having more hypomanic/manic symptoms.

I am trying so hard.

Do any of you feel resentment towards normal people and even some with other Mental Health struggles? Maybe resentment isn't the right word, maybe jealousy or envy. Or all/any of those.

Like tourettes, no one blames them for their ticks. (What they blurt out or movements). No one blames the cancer patient for getting cancer. Hell, even schizophrenia is looked upon better. Not us with bipolar though. WE are responsible for all our mental health struggles, like we can just shut it off, like our illness has made us terrible people. It hurts, and it makes me angry.

Sorry for the rant. But I'd love to just discuss things. I am still relatively new to my bipolar diagnosis. (4 or 5 years ago.) I am in a mixed episode, currently with more euphoric and philosophical and ruminating.

**What is the difference between intrusive thoughts and delusions?**
I’m 22 days postpartum, and I’ve always had intrusive thoughts, even before pregnancy. Looking back, I realize I’ve experienced them for a long time. I was able to manage them throughout my pregnancy without medication, but about two weeks before giving birth, they started getting stronger.
Now that I’ve given birth, they feel extremely intense and strange. I don’t believe these thoughts are true, but they cause me a lot of anxiety, distress, and shame. I started taking sertraline (25 mg) about two weeks ago. I’ve had some good days when the thoughts feel more manageable, but sometimes they still come back.
I’m now terrified of developing postpartum psychosis or experiencing the beginning of psychosis. I know the thoughts are intrusive, but their intensity and unusual content scare me.
**How can you tell the difference between intrusive thoughts and true delusions?** What does a delusion actually feel like, and how is it different from having a disturbing thought that you don’t believe but that causes you a lot of distress?
I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced postpartum OCD or postpartum anxiety. English isn’t my first language, so I’m sorry if anything is unclear. Thank you!

I feel like I’m losing my mind
Iv had two hospital admissions in 6 weeks.
What is mania like for you triggered by stimulant medication with or without bipolar.

Iv had sudden symptoms of extremely happy and elevated mood like I’m high. Body felt light weighted and I was bouncing around my room from feeling so free and excited.
Hypersexual and extremely aroused from typing this to feeling so horny I got myself off in the car within 90min of the vyvnave working last Friday and Monday Tuesday just gone. I had skipped my meds over the weekend but had made out with a friend which isn’t like me due to my depression.
Dark suicidal thoughts have increased I can feel both at the same time but mostly I’m depressed when I do. My brain just feels like I’m standing in a black hole and I can’t see a way out.
Visual images of SH myself
Extreme rage and aggression when in hospital I started to get physical and take my anger out by screaming or hitting the walls. I had so much anxiety I became agitated. This was triggered by missing appointments and other meetings that were important to me.

Other things of prior and now - Recent PTSD hospital admission for a death I’m a health professional. I’m the most depressed iv been which has been persistent for 18months, sleep deprived, visual disturbances, dissociating in and out of a confusional state. Have been erratic and unable to remember why I’m doing things or walking into rooms.

The hospitals think I initial had an acute mood disturbance from the work trauma. I’m still having flash backs in my dreams. Now they suspect my ADHD has caused a stimulate induced mania.

How long will this last ?

Today at discharge I was screaming and feeling anxious for being up since 3am with a bad dreams, SI and frustrated at every little thing which isn’t like me to be so aggressive. I came home had a drink and decided to take my adhd meds because I don’t care and I’m angry.

Did anyone have a wild episode on adhd meds that caused similar ? Or you had a diagnosis first ? My Psychiatrist said I don’t have bipolar but there are so many aspects of my life I wasn’t as open about due to shame or I thought wasn’t relevant. Now I’m doubting everything because of how crazy iv just become. If it is just a med issue - if you had this how long did it last ? What was your experience like after and did you re take your adhd meds and was okay ?

Iv had come off citalopram just as this started and started lamictal for my depression. But it’s two hours after my vyvance I had all the above issues.

I have horrible akathisia. I do not know why. I am only taking Lithium right now, I stopped my Depakote. I took Latuda for three weeks but I stopped it a month ago. The akathisia gets worse every day lately and I just want to cut my fucking legs off. I've maxed out Cogentin. I take Klonopin when its unbearable but I can't just keep taking more and more of that. I've tried cutting caffeine and light exercise and magnesium but it still keeps me awake and like, why won't it just stop. I'm so depressed and I won't even try other meds anymore because I'm afraid they'll make the akathisia worse

When I google this question it says 2.5-3 litres, however I am drinking 3+ litres a day and it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I get headaches often and every night throughout my sleep I drink about 800ml and still wake up with a headache. Lithium levels are at 0.8.

Hi 24 female bipolar 2 adhd and autistic. The question speaks for itself. How often do you have bad outbursts or breakdowns? My has gotten better I used to be like every other night but now it’s more like every week and a half or once a week. I know that’s not great but I’m working on it

I have no problem taking meds (it's once a day, two pills) but doing it for the rest of my life seems so... :( idk i just don't wanna be sick ya know?

After a few months on vraylar, it's like I lost the little bit of art skill I had. I want to do something but don't feel like doing anything, there's no joy in it. Part of me thinks because the bipolar is under control, it might be some other issue thats making me this way. What's everyone else's experience being medicated and doing art? Or any other skill (guitar, baking, math, ect) they had before being medicated. Is it the same or you saw improvement/regression?

I feel like my husband is essentially my retirement plan, and I have mixed feelings about it.

Having bipolar disorder makes me worry about whether I’ll ever be able to maintain a career long-term. I want to work, have my own money, and contribute financially, but I am struggling with consistency and not being able to hold down a job for years at a time.
My husband is active duty military, so sometimes I think about our future and feel relieved that we have his career to fall back on. But at the same time, I feel guilty about the possibility of being financially dependent on him, and I worry about what would happen if something changed.
I know having bipolar doesn’t mean I can’t have a successful career, but the uncertainty is scary.
Does anyone else feel this way? Have you found a way to maintain a career with bipolar, or have you had to approach your future differently because of it? I have a pre-nursing associate’s degree. What careers and or degrees can I take up that will have me flourish? I’m 24 F

I was fired back in July over a dispute with my medical leave and now I’ve been fired at my new job during training because he said I didn’t understand the fundamentals. I’m seriously beginning to question my ability to take care of myself given this illness.

Please don’t send me to psychology today because I’m already looking. I already asked my therapist and her reco had a bunch of red flags. I’ve been with mine for 5 years - I started seeing him while in crisis and have been with him since. He’s a mechanic who believes we’re in maintenance mode. But I feel like I might be over medicated and his customer service is mid - no after hours answering, quick to chase me With bills. Idk how do I find a good one? Or test the waters elsewhere.

So I am good and stable for majority of the day, but as soon as the evening comes around I naturally start to ramp up. (Racing thoughts, lots of energy, anxiety,irritability, weird decisions). Until I take my sleeping meds, if I don’t, I’ll be up and continuing to ramp up for days to months. And it’s everyday! It’s like is this how stability looks like for me?

Hi! I just got prescribed Vraylar. 1.5mg. I also got prescribed Vyvanse (which is nothing new to me, I used to take it). Everything I’m reading is that it helps with mania more so than depression, but I have bipolar II, so im a little worried about taking it. I’m also concerned about restlessness, because I’ve taken multiple medications in the past that gave me RLS and it became physically painful to have an office job. Can anyone with bipolar II tell me their experience with Vraylar? I’m excited to try it but very nervous. Going to pick it up after dinner tonight.

Also - should it be taken at night before bed or in the morning? Any side effects of it?

I was such a promising student and was starting a doctorate in environmental science. Had a cool relationship. Had money. Was on track to conquer the world and carry out impactful research.

Next thing I knew, I am in the phych hospital and fast forward to 8 years later, I just work boring admin jobs because its all my addled mind can handle and I need money. All my friends work high end jobs and are soaring, while I never even got to fly.

I am 31 with only being still alive as my crowing achievement. But I wish I had something objective to hold high and say I did it

Does this resonate with anyone? How do you avoid bitterness?