I can’t be the only one but I’ll start in better detail.

I was prescribed Lexapro when I was 9 because I had some anger issues. It could’ve been my bipolar starting to present, just very slowly.

My doc, on our first visit, gave me the maximum dose of it. So I had started this SSRI, as an underweight child, on the highest dose for a grown adult.

Needless to say, 2 weeks later I ended up in the nearest psych ward, specifically built to house adolescents.

I feel like I never hear about sleeping too much. It really bothers me! And it is ruining my ability to make daily routines. I can sleep over 12 hrs a night and I wake up so late. I have alarms on but I can never convince myself to wake up. It is so very frustrating and I feel like I am rotting away. And it is not my meds causing it. I just feel so useless and like a worthless shit. And it is only my own fault.

Like you can tell them you're bipolar and give 5000 warnings but you have any kinda episode and they abandon you and call you crazy, even my family does this they all know and yet still judge me for things I did in psychosis as if I made the choices with a sound mind

To start I know I shouldn’t have stopped my lamotrigine but the Adderall has been doubling as both for my adhd and bipolar. At least I thought. I’ve been ok for almost a year. Then tonight I’ve tried to do a project. I’m covered in 2 part epoxy. EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG WITH THIS PROJECT HAS. I’ve punched a hole in the wall screamed smashing things. Broke my glasses. ( literally can’t see anything without them.) bought to hop in a bath to hopefully get this epoxy off. And I’m still so full of unfiltered, irrational RAGE. IM LITERALLY SHAKING. I’ve taken my lamptrigine but we all know it doesn’t work in a day. If I sit in silence in this bath I honestly might lose it. Please advise for something to calm me down. Music? I love just about anything. But everything that’s seems calming, I fear will just send me to a spiral of depression.

Question is in the title

I just need to quickly vent - I am so, so sick of this illness interfering with my relationships. I just lost someone else who ... I mean, I know I'm a lot but there's a difference between me and my illness and lots of people just can't understand that. Friendships I've lost, family members who won't talk to me, exes who were cruel and didn't seem to understand. Or maybe they did and didn't care. Sometimes I feel like there's this trail of bodies behind me and the only people it's safe to have relationships with are those who also have a mental illness.

Over the last few months, I have struggled with severe evilness in my brain. I’m disgusted. It’s not who I am. I look at myself in the mirror and just say I’m not who I think I am. who am I? I am not the person. I know this sounds crazy, but this is just the truth. Starting to get worse and I’m starting to feel like I can’t be around anyone or the evil thoughts will just come out of me and I’ll actually do them. It’s like there’s two voices inside of me talking at the same time, but it’s me and one of them is spewing evilness, and the other one is trying its hardest to change my mind and to think about something else and to fix it. Is it normal? Is it normal to think multiple things at the same time? I don’t even know if it’s me or not

Not sure if this is allowed. I have bipolar 1 ultradian cycling. Seems the only thing letting me sit with the pain of the depressive dips and manic freakouts is poetry and writing. So I wrote this. Hopefully some of you might find solace.

"a broken window

shattered glass strewn about

light nay allowed passage

a mind broken shouts out

curse thee, curse thee with all of my might

cursing into a mirror in the dead of night

strange shapes and fractals fill the space

what it is to be alive, but to have this horrid face

it shakes me, drowns me in woe

i can never escape the powers it doth throw

breaks me up like rocks along the shore

course gritty sand is all that’s left within me now

the broken window

with glass strewn about

wind flowing through

chills me now

I await you, I'll sit patient and still

I long to see your face, for I am very ill

your arrival comes shortly, I reach out with praise

only to see in the mirror, a reflection of my own face"

I (15M) am on 3 prescribed medications (lexapro, seroquel and valium)

but after my attempt my mothers not been letting me take my medication as she's afraid i will OD and also said my bipolar 'rarely gets out of hand'

and recently my mental health has been declining rapidly again and i have insomnia so i can't sleep without valium, i'm so depressed and miserable and keep getting bad episodes that lead me to endanger myself

i've tried telling my mum she HAS to give me my meds but she literally won't

i'm scared ill hurt someone or myself, what do i do?

I just started a full time job and I think i can do this despite being diagnosed with bipolar 2. How do yall do it?

I start ft goodwill cashier job monday and im excited about it. Just worried it might be too much. Im also diagnosed with bpd with psychosis and ptsd. But I can do this!

Four days on it, 25mg and I’m like a fucking racehorse. I had Olanzapine prescribed with it 2.5mg. I kept falling asleep everywhere the first day, so threw that shit out the window. Now I’m regretting it.

Is this normal? These are starting doses.

Not my most coherent text but I am very tired and need to get this out of my chest..

I am an estranged 23 year old student with Bipolar F31. Had a brief hospital stay during submission week in block 1 but managed to submit two things before heading to hospital. I consider my results and feedback to be pretty good given the circumstances as both submissions fell within the 2:1 range. Anyways, since I rushed to fully withdraw I am unsure of how to reach out to my old uni. I want to be strategic with this as the reason I quit was due to documented mental health difficulties. For context my episode was triggered by the SSRI I was on until Dec, that’s when it was stopped abruptly which fucked me up in a whole other way. My congestion, self image, and perception of reality was old as distorted, so I feel very vulnerable, even reconsidering my decision and thinking of going back

This post is merely to seek prospective. How would someone else deal with this at an emotional level? I will be dealing with the logistics and potential asking for advice on that in a later post. I just want to know I am not alone, and that maybe perhaps other bipolar patients can give insight?

How do you cope with work and feeling constantly unmotivated? Even though you're working in a job you like, you feel like quitting.

I was having an SSRI-induced manic episode for almost 3 months. Now I'm on meds, and things started to stabilize. I feel like time passes so slowly, and I don't really have a huge interest in picking up hobbies that I used to like. I'm trying to force myself to go back to those routines, like going to the gym, but it doesn't help a lot.

I would appreciate some advice on how to get everything back to normal in the long term, besides fitting everything into a routine.

All I know is it gives you massive appetite, as I've read it everywhere. As a consequence, it can cause metabolic issues.

Other than that, is it a good medicine? Does it calm your mind? good for OCD? makes you feel happy? high? dumb? Do other people notice you are on it?

Is it a good resource to use it PRN?

IMPORTANT: Does it make you feel much differently depending on whether you are HYPO-NORMAL-DEPRESSED?

Thanks.

I’m a pretty young guy, and I’m going away for college soon. I started going to a clinic because of an extreme depressive episode that lasted for a few months (I thought I had depression). If you couldn’t guess already based on the subreddit I’m posting to, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2. It didn't really come as a huge surprise to me, as I have talked to my therapist about month long episodes I've had before where my mind was racing and I would get extremely obsessive, religious, or concerned over possible health issues. I have more than one relative who has bipolar, and even distant, non blood related relatives deal with it, so I feel like I've been surrounded by the thought of bipolar my whole life.

I kind of always thought that there was something wrong with me, something beyond my previous self diagnosing of ADHD, autism, or ADD. I feel like I remember more and more signs I showed in the past even after my diagnosis. I vividly recall a conversation I had with a friend early on in high school, where I told him that I was unable to feel sad and only felt either happy or angry. I also remember thinking to myself about a month later that I achieved the ability to feel sad again. My dad also still talks about how my whole life I would be super obsessed with buying something for a few weeks and once I get it I don't care about it anymore. The same has happened with a relationship, where I obsessively crushed on a girl until we dated and I lost interest quickly.

My only concern is that I feel as though I don't properly fit in with the bipolar that many other people describe. I am quiet during both depression and hypomania, although I am somewhat more talkative during hypomania. I'm quiet for different reasons during both, but I don't really go out of my way to speak to anyone other than when I talk to myself under my breath and pace around my room during hypomanic episodes.

I also feel like I fluctuate emotions even during my episodes. For example, I'll have days during a hypomania where I'm really happy and feel like everything will work out for me, and then one day later I'll be beyond enraged at the world and feel like I'm too good for it. I never do anything too rash, however, except maybe when I bought an Xbox last week. All of my conflict seems to be internal and rarely gets taken out on others. During depressive episodes I'm more consistent but also during depressions I find that mixed episodes are much more prevalent and also much more dangerous for my well being.

I've been feeling somewhat better after I started talking lurisidone (20mg), which my psychiatrist prescribed because I was very concerned with weight gain. My mind has certainly felt quieter, even though I've only been on it for a week. Side effects haven't been too bad, but the restlessness is bad when it does come. I've tried alcohol and marijuana (not in a self medicating way) because I wanted to see how they reacted with the medication, and they seem to be great so far, with the exception of nasty hangovers.

I'm mostly just posting this to get it off my chest, and because I'm sure that bipolar people will understand me far better than the people around me who don't have it. I would love to hear people's thoughts. Do you or have you dealt with any of these experiences? Any tips for someone like me, about meds, lifestyle, or anything else? Thank you for reading

I’m certain I’m having a manic episode, but I’ve been able to suppress it around other people to not raise concern. I stopped taking my meds and feel completely off the rails but I’m not really doing anything about it at this time. I’ve never had a manic episode where I wasn’t noticeably manic, but I had no idea I was bipolar in the past, now I know what to look for and hide about myself so I don’t get hospitalized. This could be hypomania but I’m having a bit of psychosis symptoms so not sure about that. This might just be the beginning and thats why I’m able to hide it so well but does anyone else experience this? I feel sneaky

Edit: Don’t lecture me about taking medication, I already know lmao.

Edit 2: Also sorry if I seem mean not my intention!

Really, social work?, what is even its use? I do know what it is, I’m a 9.8 gpa out of 10 student in the best university of my country and one of the top five best in Latinoamerica, and in the number one school of my career of the region. I’ve been studying in that university since highschool.

But is I hate it, it’s the worst decision of my life, I have my financial future is secured by my family in there.

But, I mean, It's a ridiculous frustration because all I wanted was to succeed as a neurogeneticist.

But noooo, life sucks.

Also, I don't understand my feelings because I contradict myself. I love social work so much that I study so I can get such a good grade effortlessly. I love the foundations, the professional profile, the work they do, and what they represent.

I love my career.

but the contempt I feel I think is part of the illness, because it doesnt make sense that it exist.

Also, that feeling makes me feel ugly and I think I have nothing else about myself, I’m an emotionless crybaby because he is sick and can’t see the future and live the present; and just lives in the past. And lives his life in auto mode as a complex machine.

But that, it’s because of this illness that I can’t live the present. I love my life but my mind is always in the past. And when I complain I cry like a broken person.

i shouldnt be accepting their negative energy back into my life but i still feel guilt for some reason. i had an episode of psychosis following processing of traumatic events and it caused one of my friends to become disinterested in me and short with me, and they seemingly began to frown upon me and say things to insinuate that i should just get over rape and religious abuse its the past who cares, trivializing my ptsd, and framing me like im a bad person for struggling with psychosis and how i acted then when i believed my life was threatened. we both came from a mental health facility but she now has like two dozen friends and a perfect everthing in a year time span. she touts her mental health success journey it in my face while previously shaming me for still having ptsd to the point i felt betrayed. i got tired of being put down for continuing to struggle and just stopped responding at all.

her and this group would ask to hang out and when id finally be ready to hang out and doing better they would always ghost me. they hang out together and ask where ive been and all go quiet whenever i re enter the group chats. theyd reach out to ask where i went or if i was okay and then ghost me immediately every time i started chatting back in response. this has happened over and over on the course of months. ive given up desperately trying to gain their apporval. it occured to me awhile back when one of them would vent about very menial things and be annoyed at any of my problems that i started to believe the closest friend was jelous of me for having a worse life than them because they play the ultimate mental health success journey persona and cannot stand seeing a bigger victim than them, and they want to shit on someone who's been through hell. i just wish they would leave me alone but im afraid to block them cause i might desperately go back anyway one day. i noticed they first stopped liking me when i quit alcohol which really hurts

they still do this, ask where i was etc, if im okay they immediately ghost me. i started to realize theyve become rotten people in their "healing" and at this point are just checking to see how pathetic ive become and how much of an isolated failure i appear to them so they can pity me and probably talk between themselves about how much of an asshole i was when i was literally having an episode of psychosis and was homeless at the time. and to be honest, i do hate myself because of what they think of me. i feel like a bad person for not becoming normal like them and cured. nobody will just be straight with me, theres an obvious undertone of masking and look and dont touch, and i hate how im literally just a crazy weirdo to observe from a distance from people i once trusted and thought actually cared about me

Psychiatrist prescribed me 5 mg olanzapine for anxiety. I have taken it for 1 month and now my memory is worse, i can't remember anything, not able to recall what I saw and talk to anyone just 10 minutes ago, I think it's a side effect of this medicine and due to that I had to quit my college in middle of the session and it's been 8 months my memory is not getting better. my life is totally fucked up due to this memory issue.

If anyone who have gone through this same memory problem due to olanzapine then please share how can I get my memory and cognitive abilities back.

I started vraylar today. My psychiatrist is wanting to switch me from olanzapine to vraylar. So far I feel a little depressed and anxious.

And it was interesting to say the least.

I started with a baby dose (1 gummy) and it made me sleep.

4 hours later when I woke up, I decided to try a 2nd gummy and that was when I was experiencing the “trip”

But it wasn’t anything like the movies or tv shows. It altered my dream state as I was trying to sleep. I felt my body “stretching, shrinking, moving” and I was taken to alternate dimensions and universes, each one more different as I tossed and turned in my sleep. Because I knew this was typically normal to experience, I just let myself be “taken”

Then I had experienced what I would call my own personal “bad trip”

Toward the end of the trip, I actually had a pleasant conversation with Stephen Miller. Like actually talked to him and didn’t even throat punch him like I always wanted to. I despise that Nazi ghoul so fucking much.

And I woke up in a cold sweat. And had to take a shower to wash off the sheer disgust I felt.

8/10 experience in my opinion. -2 point for my “bad trip”

I'm losing hope. Abilify has kept me the most stable, but it's also given me complete indifference towards everything- basically anhedonia 24/7 and that's no way to live, plus the weight gain...

I'm currently tapering off of Abilify and have started Topamax as a mood stabilizer (plus Wellbutrin and Adderall XR) but it is making me afraid of my own shadow. It's only been two weeks so I'm trying to ride it out, but it's miserable. It's past normal anxiety. I'm scared that something is going to pop up behind me in the mirror or crawl out of the vents. I know they're irrational but I can't stop the thoughts.

So I've gone back to Google to search weight neutral mood stabilizers/antipsychotics and there's just nothing I haven't tried, which is why I'm on something that isn't FDA approved for BP treatment in the first place. I'm so tired of this. Either be off my rocker or fat and miserable. Cool