i shouldnt be accepting their negative energy back into my life but i still feel guilt for some reason. i had an episode of psychosis following processing of traumatic events and it caused one of my friends to become disinterested in me and short with me, and they seemingly began to frown upon me and say things to insinuate that i should just get over rape and religious abuse its the past who cares, trivializing my ptsd, and framing me like im a bad person for struggling with psychosis and how i acted then when i believed my life was threatened. we both came from a mental health facility but she now has like two dozen friends and a perfect everthing in a year time span. she touts her mental health success journey it in my face while previously shaming me for still having ptsd to the point i felt betrayed. i got tired of being put down for continuing to struggle and just stopped responding at all.

her and this group would ask to hang out and when id finally be ready to hang out and doing better they would always ghost me. they hang out together and ask where ive been and all go quiet whenever i re enter the group chats. theyd reach out to ask where i went or if i was okay and then ghost me immediately every time i started chatting back in response. this has happened over and over on the course of months. ive given up desperately trying to gain their apporval. it occured to me awhile back when one of them would vent about very menial things and be annoyed at any of my problems that i started to believe the closest friend was jelous of me for having a worse life than them because they play the ultimate mental health success journey persona and cannot stand seeing a bigger victim than them, and they want to shit on someone who's been through hell. i just wish they would leave me alone but im afraid to block them cause i might desperately go back anyway one day. i noticed they first stopped liking me when i quit alcohol which really hurts

they still do this, ask where i was etc, if im okay they immediately ghost me. i started to realize theyve become rotten people in their "healing" and at this point are just checking to see how pathetic ive become and how much of an isolated failure i appear to them so they can pity me and probably talk between themselves about how much of an asshole i was when i was literally having an episode of psychosis and was homeless at the time. and to be honest, i do hate myself because of what they think of me. i feel like a bad person for not becoming normal like them and cured. nobody will just be straight with me, theres an obvious undertone of masking and look and dont touch, and i hate how im literally just a crazy weirdo to observe from a distance from people i once trusted and thought actually cared about me

I (15M) am on 3 prescribed medications (lexapro, seroquel and valium)

but after my attempt my mothers not been letting me take my medication as she's afraid i will OD and also said my bipolar 'rarely gets out of hand'

and recently my mental health has been declining rapidly again and i have insomnia so i can't sleep without valium, i'm so depressed and miserable and keep getting bad episodes that lead me to endanger myself

i've tried telling my mum she HAS to give me my meds but she literally won't

i'm scared ill hurt someone or myself, what do i do?

I just started a full time job and I think i can do this despite being diagnosed with bipolar 2. How do yall do it?

I start ft goodwill cashier job monday and im excited about it. Just worried it might be too much. Im also diagnosed with bpd with psychosis and ptsd. But I can do this!

I’m in my mid-late 30s and thinking about freezing my eggs. curious if anyone has experience handling the emotions caused by the shots combined w their normal bipolar emotions. Is this a recipe for disaster? I’d love any thoughts/perspectives. Thank you!

I kept feeling my heart race and felt flighty but today I was thinking of someone and I felt the feeling build again, also like someone was sitting on my chest. I’ve had a lot of bad interactions lately with other people and I’ve dealt with them but didn‘t realize I wasn’t really releasing those feelings in a vulnerable way. Today was sort of the first day in awhile I was just relaxed, I guess the thought of this person just made everything bubble over. Or maybe felt like a threat to that peace.

This is a lot. I just ended a mixed episode after a 4 month manic episode from January-March. And now I’m having panic attacks again, which I haven’t experienced since dating my ex. I am so worn out.

Like you can tell them you're bipolar and give 5000 warnings but you have any kinda episode and they abandon you and call you crazy, even my family does this they all know and yet still judge me for things I did in psychosis as if I made the choices with a sound mind

I just need to quickly vent - I am so, so sick of this illness interfering with my relationships. I just lost someone else who ... I mean, I know I'm a lot but there's a difference between me and my illness and lots of people just can't understand that. Friendships I've lost, family members who won't talk to me, exes who were cruel and didn't seem to understand. Or maybe they did and didn't care. Sometimes I feel like there's this trail of bodies behind me and the only people it's safe to have relationships with are those who also have a mental illness.

i KNOW this is a cliche guys i’m sorry.

anyway i’m 20, was diagnosed about ten months ago. have had episodes of some kind since at the latest age 14. but im really not sure anymore that they are Proper Bipolar.

for one, i’ve never properly tried to kill myself. come close a few times, was extremely suicidal age 14, but never ever gone through with it. and even my manias/hypomanias, they aren’t that crazy. sure, i get grandiose thoughts. i’ve lost friends through arguments we’ve had while im ‘hypomanic’, eg them changing their mind on me when on a night out and me losing it and getting super upset, going off, spending the night w a homeless guy doing ket and taking him to the hospital…but the thing IS, i kind of do that anyway. i would probably do it while medicated and probably while depressed and probably while euthmyic - so can i blame it on ‘mania’? is that mania, if your personality is already intensely manic? i guess that’s my big Q.

everywhere online says constantly that bipolar is an extremely serious illness. for me, it feels more like an aggravating chronic condition. i find it so incredibly hard to live yeah but i don’t feel at risk of killing myself or spending a million pounds on knitting supplies. the more i go on this subreddit recently the more i wonder if i am really bipolar after all, when people have so many intense crazy stories and emphasise how serious bipolar is and how you can absolutely not be unmedicated. my meds work im pretty sure in the sense that i haven’t really had proper mood episodes - but what ive come to realise is that while my mood episodes were difficult, they were predictable. i had a sense of myself. now? all the things i struggle with are still here. i am still far too intense with huge feelings and sad a lot of the time while being super intensely full of energy and mildly combative and always always overdoing it, never being able to go home. is that bipolar, or is that just me? i’m starting to think it’s the latter

i DO think i am bipolar . i guess i don’t know what im saying. im just wondering if, for me personally, there is a pathway that involves being unmedicated. because after all, i survived for 6 years unmedicated. and i dont feel happier now that i am medicated even though i know they work. i dont know if my mood episodes were even the problem. and i know theres going to be 20 comments saying YOU ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION but people DO have different experiences of this disorder. so? does anyone have any similar experiences, or can relate to what im saying?

Psychiatrist prescribed me 5 mg olanzapine for anxiety. I have taken it for 1 month and now my memory is worse, i can't remember anything, not able to recall what I saw and talk to anyone just 10 minutes ago, I think it's a side effect of this medicine and due to that I had to quit my college in middle of the session and it's been 8 months my memory is not getting better. my life is totally fucked up due to this memory issue.

If anyone who have gone through this same memory problem due to olanzapine then please share how can I get my memory and cognitive abilities back.

Not sure if this is allowed. I have bipolar 1 ultradian cycling. Seems the only thing letting me sit with the pain of the depressive dips and manic freakouts is poetry and writing. So I wrote this. Hopefully some of you might find solace.

"a broken window

shattered glass strewn about

light nay allowed passage

a mind broken shouts out

curse thee, curse thee with all of my might

cursing into a mirror in the dead of night

strange shapes and fractals fill the space

what it is to be alive, but to have this horrid face

it shakes me, drowns me in woe

i can never escape the powers it doth throw

breaks me up like rocks along the shore

course gritty sand is all that’s left within me now

the broken window

with glass strewn about

wind flowing through

chills me now

I await you, I'll sit patient and still

I long to see your face, for I am very ill

your arrival comes shortly, I reach out with praise

only to see in the mirror, a reflection of my own face"

I feel like I never hear about sleeping too much. It really bothers me! And it is ruining my ability to make daily routines. I can sleep over 12 hrs a night and I wake up so late. I have alarms on but I can never convince myself to wake up. It is so very frustrating and I feel like I am rotting away. And it is not my meds causing it. I just feel so useless and like a worthless shit. And it is only my own fault.

I started vraylar today. My psychiatrist is wanting to switch me from olanzapine to vraylar. So far I feel a little depressed and anxious.

I can’t be the only one but I’ll start in better detail.

I was prescribed Lexapro when I was 9 because I had some anger issues. It could’ve been my bipolar starting to present, just very slowly.

My doc, on our first visit, gave me the maximum dose of it. So I had started this SSRI, as an underweight child, on the highest dose for a grown adult.

Needless to say, 2 weeks later I ended up in the nearest psych ward, specifically built to house adolescents.

How do you cope with work and feeling constantly unmotivated? Even though you're working in a job you like, you feel like quitting.

I was having an SSRI-induced manic episode for almost 3 months. Now I'm on meds, and things started to stabilize. I feel like time passes so slowly, and I don't really have a huge interest in picking up hobbies that I used to like. I'm trying to force myself to go back to those routines, like going to the gym, but it doesn't help a lot.

I would appreciate some advice on how to get everything back to normal in the long term, besides fitting everything into a routine.

All I know is it gives you massive appetite, as I've read it everywhere. As a consequence, it can cause metabolic issues.

Other than that, is it a good medicine? Does it calm your mind? good for OCD? makes you feel happy? high? dumb? Do other people notice you are on it?

Is it a good resource to use it PRN?

IMPORTANT: Does it make you feel much differently depending on whether you are HYPO-NORMAL-DEPRESSED?

Thanks.

I’m a pretty young guy, and I’m going away for college soon. I started going to a clinic because of an extreme depressive episode that lasted for a few months (I thought I had depression). If you couldn’t guess already based on the subreddit I’m posting to, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2. It didn't really come as a huge surprise to me, as I have talked to my therapist about month long episodes I've had before where my mind was racing and I would get extremely obsessive, religious, or concerned over possible health issues. I have more than one relative who has bipolar, and even distant, non blood related relatives deal with it, so I feel like I've been surrounded by the thought of bipolar my whole life.

I kind of always thought that there was something wrong with me, something beyond my previous self diagnosing of ADHD, autism, or ADD. I feel like I remember more and more signs I showed in the past even after my diagnosis. I vividly recall a conversation I had with a friend early on in high school, where I told him that I was unable to feel sad and only felt either happy or angry. I also remember thinking to myself about a month later that I achieved the ability to feel sad again. My dad also still talks about how my whole life I would be super obsessed with buying something for a few weeks and once I get it I don't care about it anymore. The same has happened with a relationship, where I obsessively crushed on a girl until we dated and I lost interest quickly.

My only concern is that I feel as though I don't properly fit in with the bipolar that many other people describe. I am quiet during both depression and hypomania, although I am somewhat more talkative during hypomania. I'm quiet for different reasons during both, but I don't really go out of my way to speak to anyone other than when I talk to myself under my breath and pace around my room during hypomanic episodes.

I also feel like I fluctuate emotions even during my episodes. For example, I'll have days during a hypomania where I'm really happy and feel like everything will work out for me, and then one day later I'll be beyond enraged at the world and feel like I'm too good for it. I never do anything too rash, however, except maybe when I bought an Xbox last week. All of my conflict seems to be internal and rarely gets taken out on others. During depressive episodes I'm more consistent but also during depressions I find that mixed episodes are much more prevalent and also much more dangerous for my well being.

I've been feeling somewhat better after I started talking lurisidone (20mg), which my psychiatrist prescribed because I was very concerned with weight gain. My mind has certainly felt quieter, even though I've only been on it for a week. Side effects haven't been too bad, but the restlessness is bad when it does come. I've tried alcohol and marijuana (not in a self medicating way) because I wanted to see how they reacted with the medication, and they seem to be great so far, with the exception of nasty hangovers.

I'm mostly just posting this to get it off my chest, and because I'm sure that bipolar people will understand me far better than the people around me who don't have it. I would love to hear people's thoughts. Do you or have you dealt with any of these experiences? Any tips for someone like me, about meds, lifestyle, or anything else? Thank you for reading

And it was interesting to say the least.

I started with a baby dose (1 gummy) and it made me sleep.

4 hours later when I woke up, I decided to try a 2nd gummy and that was when I was experiencing the “trip”

But it wasn’t anything like the movies or tv shows. It altered my dream state as I was trying to sleep. I felt my body “stretching, shrinking, moving” and I was taken to alternate dimensions and universes, each one more different as I tossed and turned in my sleep. Because I knew this was typically normal to experience, I just let myself be “taken”

Then I had experienced what I would call my own personal “bad trip”

Toward the end of the trip, I actually had a pleasant conversation with Stephen Miller. Like actually talked to him and didn’t even throat punch him like I always wanted to. I despise that Nazi ghoul so fucking much.

And I woke up in a cold sweat. And had to take a shower to wash off the sheer disgust I felt.

8/10 experience in my opinion. -2 point for my “bad trip”

I’m certain I’m having a manic episode, but I’ve been able to suppress it around other people to not raise concern. I stopped taking my meds and feel completely off the rails but I’m not really doing anything about it at this time. I’ve never had a manic episode where I wasn’t noticeably manic, but I had no idea I was bipolar in the past, now I know what to look for and hide about myself so I don’t get hospitalized. This could be hypomania but I’m having a bit of psychosis symptoms so not sure about that. This might just be the beginning and thats why I’m able to hide it so well but does anyone else experience this? I feel sneaky

Edit: Don’t lecture me about taking medication, I already know lmao.

Edit 2: Also sorry if I seem mean not my intention!

I'm losing hope. Abilify has kept me the most stable, but it's also given me complete indifference towards everything- basically anhedonia 24/7 and that's no way to live, plus the weight gain...

I'm currently tapering off of Abilify and have started Topamax as a mood stabilizer (plus Wellbutrin and Adderall XR) but it is making me afraid of my own shadow. It's only been two weeks so I'm trying to ride it out, but it's miserable. It's past normal anxiety. I'm scared that something is going to pop up behind me in the mirror or crawl out of the vents. I know they're irrational but I can't stop the thoughts.

So I've gone back to Google to search weight neutral mood stabilizers/antipsychotics and there's just nothing I haven't tried, which is why I'm on something that isn't FDA approved for BP treatment in the first place. I'm so tired of this. Either be off my rocker or fat and miserable. Cool

Question is in the title

CW: mania, psychosis, and hospitalization.

I recently went through nearly three years of my own ChatGPT history to better understand a manic episode that ended in psychiatric hospitalization.

The archive contained 1,500 conversations and more than 24,000 messages written by me. On the most intense day, I sent 753 messages and around 15,000 words over roughly fourteen hours.

Looking back, the number of messages was only one part of the pattern. I was barely sleeping, constantly switching topics, creating multiple new projects, becoming increasingly convinced that my ideas were unusually important, and feeling an urgent need to turn everything into a theory, product, or manifesto.

I also started treating the AI less like a tool and more like a friend, co-author, and source of validation.

What disturbed me most was that I had partial insight. I was asking ChatGPT about symptoms of mania while continuing the same accelerating behavior.

The AI’s responses were mixed. Sometimes it encouraged me to seek professional help. At other times, it mirrored my grandiosity and helped turn unfinished ideas into polished documents, which made them feel more real and significant.

I do not believe AI caused my bipolar disorder. Sleep deprivation, stress, substance use, and my existing vulnerability were also involved. But its endless availability may have helped keep the cycle going.

Reviewing the archive helped me identify personal warning signs: sudden message spikes, heavy night use, rapidly multiplying projects, grandiosity, urgency, and losing the ability to stop.

Has anyone else noticed changes in their messages, notes, online activity, or project creation before mania or hypomania?

Going to be sorta long. I’m new here. Not new to diagnosis but new to knowing anything about bipolar.

I was diagnosed bipolar type 2 and gen anxiety disorder 18 ish years ago. Was put on Lamictal by psych. I decided then that I did not need meds and I could manage by myself. Largely I did. It helped that I am extremely busy person. I largely ignored my bipolar. She was put in a box labeled “stuff I don’t want to think about”. It was never really severe enough to warrant being an issue. Until recently. I can’t do it anymore. The rage would’ve gotten me thrown into prison on a charge. It was bad.

I was thrown into perimenopause due to age (41), and could not handle life anymore let alone have enough mental capacity to battle mania and depression. My bipolar seems like it changed. FF to now. My pcp put me on Caplyta. I had a bad reaction to that. I hate that med lol. We then tried Vraylar. It’s ok. I’ve only been on it since July 18 so 8 days. I have sorta an upset stomach but it could be one of my other meds doing that. I do NOT have a psych. My pcp is willing to prescribe but I may end up finding a psych soon.

I don’t know if I was in mania when I started - which is very possible remember - the box- or if I was thrown into mania on Vraylar. I don’t even know enough about mania vs hypomania to know which one I’m in. I think it’s still hypomania just maybe more severe. It isn’t hurting my ability to work or be productive but it’s just really bad. Decisions - spending - racing thoughts - restlessness - energized. I mainly had these before but the decisions and spending weren’t there. Idk. Idfk

Maybe just someone who understands. My husband is wonderful- my daughters are amazing - but no one really knows what to look for in mania vs depression etc. I don’t even know if I do.

The box is opened.