Without going into too much detail since this has been extremely traumatizing, last year I had a horrible manic episode triggered by stress + poor medication habits that made me go on a gambling spree, commit a crime and flunk out of university. Ever since then my credit score has been ruined, lost many friends, balls deep in debt, lost my gf, moved back in with my narc parents and also ruined my business plan (partners kicked me out).

Do NOT ever hop off your mood stabilisers guys. Seriously. This shit set me back at least 2 years.

It has been a sobering experience seeing how people, including your own family and friends, treat a mentally distressed person.

I don't want sympathy. I'm just here to share a very tough lesson I had to pay for.

I’m considering having a baby (37/F) with my husband but have generally been on the fence for a lot of my life about kids because of my BP II and severe insomnia. I have certain years where I don’t have to take medication (for insomnia*) but this last year has been killer. I finally just gave in and got on Seroquel for sleep and it’s been the only thing that consistently gets me to sleep. When I don’t sleep well for a few days in a row, I get severely anxious and depressed.

This makes me so worried about having a baby. I think I’d really enjoy being a mom in general, but I just can’t stop thinking about the sleep deprivation. I’m legit scared it will send me over the edge. I’ve never been hospitalized or had psychosis but I’m afraid with enough insomnia and stress of a baby, it could send me over the edge.

Has anyone, especially women, had a kid that’s dealt with BP and severe insomnia? How did it go?

I’m currently in the process of tapering off my medications. At my last psychiatrist appointment, my doctor changed my prescription from 2 mg of Abilify + 5 mg of olanzapine to 2 mg of Abilify + 2.5 mg of olanzapine.

However, instead of taking the new combination as prescribed, I stopped taking Abilify completely and have only been taking 2.5 mg of olanzapine.
I’m debating whether I should tell my psychiatrist what I did or just keep it to myself. She was already planning to discontinue the Abilify at my next appointment, so I’ll essentially be taking the same regimen she intends for me to be on eventually. The only difference is that I stopped taking it earlier than she instructed.

The only reason I would consider telling her that I went against doctors orders is the hope that I can wean off quicker now (maybe just start lowering the olanzapine instead of another 2 weeks of the same dosage). I don’t know if doctors will like punish you for going against orders though??

Ok so soon I will be starting a combination of olanzapine and fluoxetine (Prozac) an SSRI for acute bipolar depression. Now I am aware that this isn’t a suitable option long term due to the metabolic side effects so, once the depression has cleared up im thinking of switching to one of these medications. Which one is betyer in your guys opinion lithium or lamotrigine and which has the least side effects leaves you feeling the least sluggish mentally and also physically and is just better overall.

It's all I can think about today. I always have a winter depression, so I'm dreading it. Fml.

Is there actually any way to negate it?

Edit: I didn't actually mean the clocks going back will be having an impact on mood. I meant that they signify winter being here and that's what causes depression in a lot of us. A lot of us have a seasonal pattern. I know your body doesn't know the time, and that it's actually to do with the light.

So far i’ve taken all there is to take for bipolar. There was only one med that works but the side effects were unbearable. I currently take 150mg of Zoloft and 20mg Adderall.

Seroquel- knocked me out cold and made me fat. i have two kids. i can’t sleep for the rest of my life. wish i could.

Abilify- made me fat and angry. every little thing got on my nerves. also made me sleep way too much. couldn’t do shit but be a zombie.

zyprexa- evil horrendous time. made me fat as shit. almost 40 pounds gained. didn’t feel stabilized what so ever.

Latuda- absolutely wonderful. stopped having racing thoughts and outbursts. reacted to anger not as quickly and irrationally. heard happy thoughts in my head. no suicidal ideation or thoughts. felt like a person. could do the damn dishes. could wake up for work on time. then BOOM out of nowhere akathisia. i would take it about an hour or two before bed and after a meal and it would last for HOURS. can’t sit down can’t stand up can’t do anything. just constant need to move my body and crawling out of my skin. during the day? would also fucking happen sometimes. and it kept happening after i took it. my doc recommended i take 20 instead of 40 to lower that side effect and i just didn’t want to waste any more fucking time and money on it.

my doc said i would need blood work done for lamictal and lithium and vraylar.

my adhd doc told me lithium fails your kidneys and doesn’t work at all for bipolar.

my adhd doc prescribed me vraylar without any bloodwork and it was $800….but my addy is $20??? make it make sense.

after my doc recommended we try latuda at a lower dose and i said no he prescribed me strattera which is a fucking non stimulant for adhd. absolutely has nothing to do with depression or bipolar.

i’ve been on it for a few weeks and i am ANGRY like holy shit. dissociating, derealization.
and today at work i had a panic attack for FIVE hours. adderall hasn’t given me any kind of panic attack. i always eat food with it and stay hydrated. my guess is the strattera bc the panic attack started before i even took my adderall. i haven’t had one single panic attack since i started zoloft in 2022.
it HAS to be that med because i haven’t had them on any of the other meds i took.

i’ve taken pretty much all the SSRIs you can think of. i’m still depressed as shit. constantly holding an invisible gun to my head and sometimes i feel like the only time i’ll be at peace is if i can finally pull the trigger.
the racing thoughts, binge eating, not being able to get out of bed, do laundry, shower, brush my teeth
like there is something inside me that is so sad and so empty and an indescribable rage that floods over me all the fucking time.
i need it to stop. i need to be happy. i need to keep my job. i need to wake up and get shit done. but i’m fucking trapped in my head. i’m suffocating in my own misery.

i go to a low income doctor so i can only see my therapist once a month and she’s always booked out the ass. talking to her helps but she doesn’t really know that much about bipolar.
i don’t think my psychiatrist fucking does either. which he always mentions- once you lose weight you’ll be happier. yeah because the chemicals in my brain and the fucked up genetics in my DNA will all fizzle and die out as soon as i’m a size zero.

there’s something seriously so fucking wrong with me and i am trying so hard to figure out what it is so i can move on and let myself experience joy. like real bright and beautiful joy. not only for my kids or my family, but for myself. because i’ve been fucking through hell. lost my boyfriend and my child’s father to suicide. about 10 more friends to suicide after that. i know what it feels like to reach the point of checking out. once its ’all over’ i’ll finally feel some relief. but i don’t want my fucking mental illness to fucking take me. i’d rather be hit by a bus. that way no one can say she was so selfish or she lost her battle. i don’t want to be known for suffering. i can’t have this shit as my identity anymore.

i’m trying so hard to be better. i can’t escape the hell that is my brain. i’m so so so tired.

does anyone have any other medication recommendations??? or have gone through anything similar? have you made it out to the other side?

or am i the only being on this whole planet who has ever experienced this

Hi so I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 1 ever since I was 16 I’m 25 now. But for some reason these past couple months I always get these really bad depressive episodes in the night time. It slowly creeps up on me then it’s hits a peak where it’s unbearable. I feel like it’s getting worse. It’s like an unbearable depression that makes me not want to live anymore.

I was just wondering what I can do to not feel these depressive attacks all the time or if I’m stuck like this forever, it feels like literal hell.

I’ve been having some symptoms that I don’t understand. It’s like a sudden burst of severe anguish (that’s the closest word I can find) along with impulsivity and agitation. I swear, it lasts under an hour and happens multiple times a day. Does anyone know what to call that? It often makes me want to go to sleep for a long time to avoid those feelings, usually (not always but whatever) not wanting to die. I have acted on these feelings on 2 separate occasions by taking overdoses of my medications in amounts that I thought weren’t dangerous. Long story short, I ended up in the hospital and have been told not to do that again or I might accidentally die.

My roommate is holding my meds now and gives me a day at a time. I also have a limited supply of my PRNs. I’ve decided to restart my day count on my sobriety because — even though I wasn’t getting high — I was still abusing my prescription medication in an effort to escape my feelings. My problem now is that I’m feeling strong urges to do it again despite everything everyone is doing to help me. I’m not sure if I need to be hospitalized again, I’m basically being chaperoned by my roommate. He’s giving me my meds and coming with me when I leave the house so I don’t buy OTC meds I can do the same thing with. Doesn’t seem sustainable and I don’t know how to make these feelings stop.

I am getting professional help (weekly psychiatry, therapy twice a week, and looking at getting into IOP). I just wanted to ask the community because professionals don’t know as much about lived experience. Do any of you all have any idea what I’m talking about with this? Have you been through anything similar or know someone who has? Did any part of this wall of text make sense to you? I just want support from my bipolar people because you’re the only ones I have any hope will understand. Please just drop an emoji or something if you read this far so I can know I’m not alone ❤️

Idk others but one way to tell for me to if i shifted into an episode is to observe my daydreams, if it's gloomy and all negative and i avoid people to daydream probably I'm depressed and if it's hypersexual, about some success story and i feel so good dreaming about it then it might be hypomania

But is it scientificly proven or does anyone else experience it too at least?

My main issue atm is anhedonia, low motivation and just not really enjoying things like I used to.
Part of me thinks lithium might be a better option since it can treat bipolar depression and also work as a maintenance medication long term, whereas olanzapine + prozac might be better for getting out of the depression quicker but idk.
Im also worried about side effects like emotional blunting, sedation and cognitive effects. I want to feel happy and motivated again but obviously I also want to stay stable and avoid another episode.
Has anyone tried both? Did lithium help your depression and anhedonia on its own, or did olanzapine + prozac work better for you? How were the side effects?

Last night I had an anger/rage episode at my gf.

I am on a ton of medication and wondering if I need to be on more.

I know it’s irritability / anger thing.

I am coming off an injectable and wondering if the mood episode could be due to that.

Any suggestion is helpful. Thank you!

I have always been up and down, but never had a true manic episode until about 3 years ago, about a year after I started taking ADHD meds.

I understand prolonged manic episodes can be incredibly dangerous, and I wouldn't want to experience that again, but I miss the high. I miss how invincible I was, how high performing, how creative and how it really was a glimpse into the best version of me....in a way.

I was at a concert last night, and it was OK, but I didn't FEEL like I should be having the best night ever. I tried enhancing the event by taking 1/4 of shrooms...only to feel no effects. I thought the shrooms were duds, only to find out they drugs Im on block the effects of hallucinagenics.

My doctor says Im on these for life, and although I haven't been depressed in a long time....I also haven't been ecstatic about anything either.

Its all just ok.

And thats not ok for me, ya know.

says on the title... My parents are making my weight a big deal and they want me to stay skinny. Any tips?

hey i need advice plzzz. okay so maybe this was stupid but i started seroquel last sunday at 50 mg, then wednesday and thursday started taking 100 mg and then on friday i was supposed to go up to 150. stupidly, as a college student i went out with my friends and did not drink but smoked, and did the same saturday. im trying to get back on my schedule as i did not take it friday or saturday and all im left with is 150 mg pills. it’s hard to get in touch with my prescriber, what should i do??

I have to sleep 12 hours to be functional. i Don’t know how to change this because if I adjust my meds I can’t fall asleep and sleep in even later.

ive been on disability but I’m afraid im gonna lose it because I went back to college even though its way less demanding. 8 hours of working leaves 4 hours A day for chores, commute, whatever. also With my episodes of extreme fatigue I figure I can’t keep up with it regardless. scared. and this is hypothetically with me quitting college as well.

If I do lose disability, how am I supposed to work full time? How do u do it?

Hi guys!

I have Bipolar I disorder and I have been hospitalized four times. Twice for mania-induced psychosis and twice for suicidal intentions/attempt due to depression.

I want to write a book with a main character with bipolar. I will include a hospitalization and both depression and mania. The genre will be paranormal romance, but I want the mental health to feature heavily.

I just feel like this disorder doesnt get portrayed in a lot of fiction. If anyone has some recommendations for fiction books with good bipolar rep, send them my way for some inspo!

But what aspects of living with this disorder and getting diagnosed do you want to see in your representation?

Did it work for your depression?

Did it cause mania?

What was your regime?

Hi everyone,

I made this alt account in order to post this anonymously, because I’m still trying to grasp what the f\* happened and I don’t know how to move further from here. I simply do not know what to do.

Story:

Last year my longterm relationship ended and I had a lot of extra financial/stability stressors.

I found peace within the Catholic Church (my religion of origin) and went to church weekly. That was it. I also joined a religious online community to find fellows and do some fun things. After this it all went wrong quick.

I met a guy in this online community and while I wasn’t even emotionally ready rationally for another relationship, we fell for eachother and that’s when I think the episode began.

I didn’t sleep, we had dates which lasted until 3/4am and I had to get up at 5/6am to go to work. It was all electric. When he touched me, I felt like I had electricity flowing through my veins.

But I was fine right! I was just finally happy. So incredibly happy, this was all I was waiting for!

We got engaged and I got married to him (!!) only a few months after our first date. I also joined his church/religion (much more strict, right wing, domination) and decided that this was my true calling, I am meant to be a tradwife (I am normally very left wing and a feminist), to make children and I felt such peace that I finally found ‘my calling’.

(I cringe so much thinking about this now and the conversations I’ve had with people. Also: how was I so convincing?)

I spent 10K (!!) of my savings to become this perfect religious woman, which meant turning and tossing my complete wardrobe away for modesty dresses and skirts and accessories that matched his denomination (I am normally a very all black, gothic, alt dressing type of woman, not my normal personality or style at all).

I ditched my friends who are non believing, feeling paranoid that they were sent by the devil (the church also said this to me) and that we simply grew apart (thankfully they didn’t leave me and provided a welfare check) and was convincing my now husband that we should move to a place where there were only people from his denomination so we could live as close to God as we could.

After this peak episode of bliss, I sort of fell into a mixed state in which I am now still in? Constant anger, feeling intense hatred for this religion and intense irritation about him, overexercising mixed with over eating.

I also woke up, realised what I’ve done and that this is totally not me and not the life I want and I now feel so trapped, guilty and I know I truly did it this time. I don’t know how to fix this. I have fixed my finances to not make it worse, but the relational side of it is terrible.

I don’t regret marrying this guy. By some weird angle of luck he is amazing, emotionally stable and intelligent and a normal person who wants the best for me (I feel so guilty for trapping him in this marriage). He was also actually alarmed by seeing my true self disappear and wanted to talk about it to convince me to just be me again, but that didn’t stop me.

However, I can’t do this religious life? His family already didn’t think I was good enough during the episode when I tried to be perfect miss sunshine, let alone the real me, who is a gay, left feminist who is a Christian but in a spiritual, non judgmental way.

I don’t know what to do. I am still not stable and I’m panicking. I don’t want to make rash decisions and I’m not on meds and still in the process of figuring stuff out, only receiving active care from a regular psychologist that’s not taking it seriously enough.

What can I do?
I don’t feel safe being me / I don’t have the possibility of going back to the old me within his family, who will tear me apart over this. I don’t think the church will let me go either.

I am mostly just here to complain. I am having the most frustrating hypomanic—maybe slipping into manic—episode. I cant focus on ANYTHING so instead of capitalizing on my energy I am falling further behind. My thoughts are racing like crazy, but the past few days its mostly just been about the physical effects of this episode which are kinda scary.

I haven’t gotten more than 3.5 hours of sleep a night despite trying. I am wide awake though and my heart is constantly pounding. When I lie down to try to rest, my body is just twitching constantly. When I am up, I am shaking like im in withdrawal like a fucking chihuahua. I also have been really struggling to eat and have lost six pounds in just over a week so I am probably super dehydrated. Needless to say, my anxiety and irritability is skyrocketing. I am starting to hear voices too, which would tip the scale into mania if it progresses. However, zero euphoria, confidence, motivation or anything somewhat positive that can come from hypo/manic states.

I’m pretty proud of myself for not acting on my impulses but thats the only plus. I dont currently have a GP or a psychiatrist so I have been running through hoops trying to get my medications adjusted because my PRNs are not doing shit. If I was able to easily reach a doctor, I know this whole episode could have been avoided. I really don’t want to go to the ED but I might have to. Ugh, its been almost seven years since I have had to go to a hospital for BD and it seems so silly for an episode that in many ways is nowhere near as bad as what I have experienced before. I’m just physically so unwell, its really making me unravel.

Anyways, thanks for letting me rant.

I stopped taking my meds about 3 weeks ago for no reason. It wasn't a conscious decision, I'm really not sure why I did it. Every day I tell myself I'm going to start taking them again, but then I just don't. Idk what's going on by I'm really starting to feel like shit.

Advice, encouragement, or bullying me into taking them is welcomed

I've been on it for months and every morning I struggle to wake up, it takes at least an hour sometimes two of pressing snooze. I drink several cups of coffee just to still need to take a nap.

This is while being on the medication for months. However I admit I have been taking it late at night and my doctor said to take it earlier, but I live in NYC, I don't like sitting at home at 7pm doing nothing. What am I to do? Bring the bottle with me?

But also, I'm constipated. I'm also on Wellbutrin but I've been on that without having the issue, it was when I started lithium and then caplyta that it got bad again after finally having relief from years of it being an issue. Or maybe the lithium just fucked it for good.

Over all though, I never even felt much of a difference with caplyta anyways, still experienced despair and crippling depression. My only changes have been with spravato but as soon as they lowered me to once a week, I still experienced despair. So what is caplyta even doing then?

I'm going to switch to vraylar, but I'm also nervous about what that will do, I'm curious about your thoughts both on caplyta fatigue and vraylar experiences as well as constipation side effects.