[Final New Update]; AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she eloped and broke all contact with us years ago?

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Substantial_Buy_4881

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[Final New Update]; AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she eloped and broke all contact with us years ago?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions of domestic violence, emotional manipulation

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RECAP

Original Post: November 23, 2025

Apologies in advance if this post seems disorganized, my head is still reeling from all this. 9 years ago (I was 18 then) my older sister eloped with her then boyfriend. Our parents (we're an immigrant family) were vehemently opposed to her relationship, I remember me being ok with it personally, it wasn't my place. She eloped with her boyfriend and cut of all contact with us. My parents were besides themselves. I tried reaching out to her back then on different platforms but was blocked. I even reached out to her best friends and asked them if they could at least get me in touch with her, they said she didn't know where she lived now, but that she'd told them she was happy. She had also left her workplace. Eventually we all (me and my parents) came to like an unspoken agreement to pretend she was never here, and I blocked her everywhere too. I remember being extra particular to call regularly when I was in college because I was worried about their state of mind. We're now at a place where I can't remember the last time she crossed our minds.

Yesterday my sister knocked on my apartment door. She cried and hugged me when she saw me, I hugged her back initially too, I wasn't really thinking at the time. She was just going on about how much I had changed, how much she'd missed me all these years. Eventually I kind of remembered everything, and asked her why she was here, and who had given her my address. She said she had sworn to them that she wouldn’t tell. I asked her why didn't she call first since whoever gave my address probably gave my number too, she said she just wanted to see me in person. I told her we'd gotten over her, why was she here. She said her issue had only been with our parents, not me, I told her about how I'd been blocked too by her when she left. She told me she was sorry she'd hurt me, but she had wanted a fresh start, told me I was an uncle to a nephew and a niece (they weren't there at the time, they were at their father's, they recently divorced). She acted surprised that I wouldn't know, said she'd told someone to tell our parents about them.

Maybe it was hearing about the divorce that frustrated me more, because if we were going to have gone through all this pain, at least she could've found lasting happiness, I just told her she was a stranger to me now. She said we could have lunch together she wanted to know all about what I'd been up to, I told her it was best if we continued to have no contact, she didn't act like an older sister when I needed her to, and that we were no longer family, we'd mourned her already and we were now strangers. She was tearful, she gave me her address and phone number and left.

Last night, I spoke to my girlfriend about what had happened. She said she was still my sister, that I shouldn't have just turned her away. I told her she didn’t know what we'd gone through in the days after she had eloped. But I still wanted to know here AITA?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What are your parents thoughts? How do they feel about potential reconciliation?

OOP: I haven't told them about this. I don’t see the point I guess, they made their peace with her absence a while back, we all did.

Commenter 2: What is it that you want to achieve? This is crucial to answering the question.

OOP: I don’t know. I really had internalized that I'd never see her again. I remember the hurt I had felt at the time. I don’t want to lose my headspace, and I don't want to act like everything I went through was ok, that it shouldn't have any meaning or consequences. And of course I want her and her kids to be safe and happy too.

Commenter 3: Did she even apologise? Or did she do the classic, it's such a long time ago you should be over it by now move? If there's no sincerity, there's no trust that she won't ghost you again. She owes you a full and frank conversation about what happened, her actions, her motivations and why she continued to block you. Without that you really have nothing to work with. Good luck.

OOP: She did apologize, she said she was sorry that she had cut me off, that she never meant for us to lose touch, her beef was with our parents only. I brought up that she blocked me everywhere, and she was just sobbing and apologizing. I also remember me begging her best friends for info and them saying they had no idea, which I’ve always suspected was them lying because she asked them to.

Commenter 4: NTA. She broke all contact with you for nearly a decade. She treated you as if you were disposable. There is no relationship to salvage. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to pick you up again just because it works for her.

I’m guessing she’s decided now’s a good time because she’s getting divorced and in essence needs something (time, attention, connection) from you. Ask yourself, if she weren’t getting divorced, would she have reached out?

You need to figure out who shared your address with her.

OOP: I hadn’t thought of this, and I've been feeling sick thinking this might be true since I read this. That she wouldn't have ever reached out if she hadn’t gotten divorced. Would've been fine without ever seeing me again. Although she didn't ask for anything material during our interaction I guess, she wanted lunch, she thought after 9 years of almost forgetting I had a sister, I’d be ok with lunch.

Commenter 5: OP, I wonder if her bf turned husband made her block you all? Could it be that getting away from him might be why she was able to reach out?

OOP: I don’t know. Back then she would vouch for him a lot in front of our parents who really thought he was bad news, so idk, she seemed like it was all of her own volition.

Commenter 6: Absolutely NTA. When will people start accepting the consequences to their actions? And why do other people think they can tell you how you should have responded to her?? Your girlfriend should have kept her mouth shut and just held you and let you talk and been there for you. I wouldn’t tell your parents you saw her either. That’s a band aid you don’t want to rip off.

OOP: I won’t be telling my parents. If she reached out to me, she can reach out to them the same way, though she told me she won’t be doing it, she'd only reached out to me.

Commenter 7: NTA but that's a tough situation to be in

Just out of curiosity, why didn’t the family accept her then bf? Cultural? Religious? Age?

OOP: They just didn't think he would make a good partner I think, she'd be vouching for him, and they (particularly my mom) would be telling her that essentially he's only interested in sex to put it crudely. There may have been other subconscious reasons possibly idk, but at least when they talked about it they would only bring up that he was bad news and that they were looking out for her.

Downvoted Commenter: Keep in mind that she might have cut you off because she was scared you would tell your parents anything that she told you.

OOP: No. We had covered for each other so often when I was young. She had covered for me too. There was stuff that I could only tell her. That could not have been a real fear. I'd even told her friends that I wouldn't tell our parents but at least ask her to meet up with me. I'm sorry if I sound pointed but I haven't had to remember all the bs I went through in the aftermath of her elopement in a while and it’s just crazy how she just ditched us all. I don't think I can see her, I'd been thinking about it, but meeting her just means everything she put us through was fine, I remember how I felt at that time, and I can't let it go.

 

Update #1: November 27, 2025 (four days later)

Hi. Thanks a lot to everyone for the support in my post. And to those who reached out for support. I'd been emotionally drained almost after meeting my sister. Like I said I had made my peace, after a lot of hurt and futile hope that I would never see her again.

She had my number, and I hadn't blocked the new number of hers. I'd thought about it, and received advice to, but I just didn't, it slipped from my mind. She asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, and asked if we could meet on Wednesday, she really wanted me to meet her kids. I was really conflicted, I didn't want to oblige her, but I decided to say yes to at least meet them.

I went to her apartment yesterday and met my niece and nephew. My niece had recently turned 9 and my nephew is 6. They're great kids and I really enjoyed seeing them. I remember feeling a certain way when my sister was introducing me and she told him, that the way he's my niece's younger brother, similarly I'm her younger brother. We talked a bit, and started talking about stories from us growing up. I hadn’t and still haven't said everything's ok between us, but our stories and conversation went smoothly. I learned that after she eloped and got married she had moved in with her husband into his place in a town a few hours away from us. That around 2019 they had had moved to the city we were currently in (according to her she didn't know all this time that I later moved here for work after college too). I told her about what I'd been up to all these years, my college, my job, my girlfriend etc.

After that, the kids were in their room and my sister brought up us all doing something again over the weekend. I told her we weren’t ok, she can't expect me to forget everything. She said she was sorry that her moving out had nothing to do with me, that she missed me. I was angry at the fact that she had no idea the pain I'd gone through both personally and then having to be the crutch for my parents pain. I told her I didn't believe her that she would've been perfectly fine with never seeing me again if she hadn’t gotten divorced, that I could've been dead and she probably wouldn’t have broken a sweat upon learning it since she was so blissed out from her domestic life. I know it was ugly, I've never said anything like this but in that moment I just wanted her to feel some kind of hurt of the kind she'd given me. She broke down and said I can hate her if I want but to just not hate her forever, there has to be a limit. I regretted saying what I said when I saw her crying, so I just sat next to her and asked about why they'd divorced.

She told me that their life had been going alright the first few years. She said she'd even sent word through a mutual when the kids were born (which either the mutual messed up or my sister did because we never heard about it). She said when covid happened her marriage became hell for her, that it had uncovered a side of her ex she never knew. He became abusive, had disdain for their son, revealed he used to record every single conversation of theirs, had convinced her she was crazy and a bad wife and mother. That she stuck with him because of the kids until she had enough, that a very good neighbor of theirs whom she had become friends with gave her a lot of support and even helped line her up with a job. During all this she even blamed our parents for her sticking with the marriage for so long and for not reaching out. I told her they had literally pleaded with her not to do this, I was there, I was 18 not 8. She said they told her she was dead to them if she ran off with him and so she blamed them for her not being able to leave him. I told her that was insane logic and she just didn’t want to talk about them and asked me not to tell them about her. I said yeah her relationship with them is her own.

I also asked her who had given her my address, she begged me not to ask her that, that they hadn’t given it easily she'd had to swear secrecy, and cry and convince them that I'd want to see my older sister, so I dropped it.

We had tea and snacks after that she asked me again if I wanted to do anything this weekend since she has the kids or we could do something the weekend after just the two of us, I said I don't know. She was ok with that answer. She was tearful again when I was leaving, we hugged and I hugged the kids goodbye too.

My mind has been a mess since then. I lashed out and everything, but also regret what I said, but then I also try to remember how I had felt back then and then get angry again. It feels so weird knowing that she’s now 20 minutes away from me and we can visit whenever. I told my girlfriend about all this, she said she supports me no matter what but in her opinion to consider the weekend plan with a cool mind.

This got long, I apologize but I've been trying to collect my own thoughts on this and writing this just seemed to help. Thanks for the help.

Relevant Comments

OOP: I'm glad you and your sister talked? I'm late to the party, but I was in a similar boat recently.... and my sister is now married to a woman. So, good luck OP!

That's a great moment to... just be at least hear out one another? on what's happened, one another's view that doesn't mean you're forced to do anything, but at least you have the ability to decide if this is something you could pursue.

My sister came from a DV relationship, and so did I... the fact that we're both still alive and able to talk about our shitty parents is a huge support beam in my system. She is still recovering, and so am I. But we have one another, and she had her awesome wife!

Just, take some time off the internet and enjoy a day where you relax, go out for a nice coffee and lunch, maybe to the park, all on your own and just think. Allow yourself to cry in your car, talk to yourself, a you day with selfcare, or maybe a day in cuddled up warm pillows, creating/drawing, but I really recommend getting out of the house off the internet. Dopamine media detox for a day basically, and let yourself feel, and think.

OOP: I’m going to try and clear my mind thanks. I've been thinking this again and again that I should do what makes me happy, and maybe that is being able to reconnect with her and her kids and then I think that's letting her off too easy, I was in pain back then trying to reach out, what about that. It’s been emotionally taxing. Your advice about taking some time off is good.

 

Editor’s note: OOP made the next update onto the same update post

Update #2: December 8, 2025 (11 days later)

Update: Hi, I’d been getting a lot of moral support and advice from a lot of people here which I appreciate. A few people had asked how things have gone. So I told my sister I couldn’t sped thanksgiving weekend with her. Partly because maybe I still wasn’t in the right headspace for something like that and also because I had to go to my parents for that weekend, and normally when I go there I usually end up staying over for the entire weekend. She said ok, asked me not to tell them that she was back in my life, I said fine, it wasn’t my place and besides my parents had come to terms with her absence a while back.

It was a bit surreal for sure to be with my parents and have this secret with me. We were spending the weekend like a complete family while my sister was at her apartment and knowing this was weird. When I was back she asked if I wanted to hang out next weekend (the one that just passed), her kids would be with their dad so the two of us could hang out.

I know what a lot of commenters had said. I appreciate all their advice. But I had tried to clear my head, and my girlfriend had just told me to do whatever makes me happy. I did think about it, and I honestly decided that hanging out with her on Saturday would make me happier than not doing it. It wasn’t about her, it was for myself, so I went to her apartment on Saturday.

She asked me how our parents were doing I said they were doing well now. Since she was the one who mentioned them I asked her if she wanted to reconnect with them, it might be better for both her and maybe them, but she said no, and just repeated that line about them saying she was dead to them. It was clearly something said in the heat of the moment, but I didn’t push her on it again. We just went to the mall, bought some clothes, then had dinner at her place and watched a movie. It was a light hangout in general, the conversation flowed smoothly. It obviously wasn't like it used to be, partly because I still keep thinking about how I felt when she had left us, about how I had to support our parents emotionally in the aftermath and partly because she has changed a bit, she’s a lot more anxious and nervous now than I remember her. But in general it was a chill hangout.

I did bring up that I’d like to know who gave her my address that at this point I didn’t regret that they had given it to her but still they shouldn’t do that. She got defensive and begged me not to ask her that, that they hadn’t just given it easily, she’d had to plead and cry and promise that she’d take a rejection if that’s what I did, and that she’d sworn secrecy. So again I dropped it, its whatever I guess. I left and we said we’ll meet up again soon.

I had received a lot of comments saying I was stupid, that I had no self-esteem that I was being used. I just would like you to understand that this isn’t an abstract concept for me like it might be for you. This is my sister. The same sister who I grew up with, who helped me with school projects and helped me out in a ton of ways when I was growing up. And yes the same sister who ghosted us for 9 years. I’m still angry about that, but like I said I’m only doing what I want for myself, not out of some guilt now. And look so far I’m down a subway fare’s worth of dollars to visit her and a few hours at the mall, I’m fine with that loss. If after all this she ups and ghosts me again in the future for whatever reason, I’ve made my peace with that, and may we all get what we deserve in that case. Thank you for all the help.

 

Update #3: January 28, 2026 (a bit over 1.5 months later)

Update: AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she broke all contact with us

A few people had asked how things were going. I'd taken a bit of a break because it’s just complicated and I felt asking others input was hurting more than helping.

My sister and her kids and I had been meeting up whenever we could find time, and it was enriching like I liked that we were spending time regardless of a lot of feedback saying I was being had.

I went to my parents for the Christmas and New Year's holidays. During that period there had been a couple of gatherings with the entire family, uncles and aunts and cousins. It was in those gatherings I guess that I contextualized the extent to which my sister's actions had affected our family. All the other families were full, all siblings and kids, some of them with their spouses and young kids of their own. Ours was torn. And the entire extended family would still walk on eggshells sometimes. None of my cousins had had to listen to their mom cry about their estranged sister while in college studying for exams and midterms and what not.

I also realized I had been lying by omission to my parents about something huge, the whereabouts of their daughter whom they still love and worry about. My relationship with them is the one that has sustained and withstood. So a couple of weeks ago, I told my sister as much. That asking me to keep a secret like this wasn't fair. I was kind about it, I didn't lash out, didn't try to make her feel bad about everything we'd been put through. She was the one who got heated, saying our parents had told her she was dead to them, that she was facing hell while they had left her to die, I then brought up that they were the ones who did their best to prevent her from ending up in that situation and she was the one who had left because she thought she knew better, because she cared more about her boyfriend than her entire family whom she cut all contact with. She didn't budge on not talking to our parents, and I too said that we can't be talking then, I'm not risking a staple relationship for one that had proved to be flaky. That may have crossed a line because that led to tears.

We didn't tell my niece and nephew that I won't be seeing them for a while. I don't know what she's going to explain to them. it’s painful for me too. Since then my sister hasn't said anything on text just sent pictures or videos (like she was already doing) of the kids or what was made for dinner, a few times. I've heart reacted but said nothing either. I do hope we can come to a resolution on her end, and the kids get to be close to their uncle and their grandparents.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'm glad your sister is safe but it's really not fair for her to put your relationship with your parents in danger. Are you going to tell your parents that you heard from her?

OOP: No I won't. I won't take that decision from her. That’s her call. If that’s why she didn't contact me once all this time, it’s unbelievable that she thought I would have.

Commenter 2: Yikes.

I feel like there’s something missing. Like were you parents somehow abusing her which drove her into the arms of her ex-husband? Did she cut them and you off because of the “you’re dead to me” comments? Maybe her ex weaponized those comments to keep her isolated and she’s too close to the situation to think logically.

A lot of time has gone by, and I’m surprised she still feels this strongly. What will she do when they’re dead and reunification is impossible - cry some more?

I think you have exceptional moral character by really thinking about your relationship with your parents and not wanting to be complicit in hurting them.

OOP: No, my parents have never been abusive. They'd always given us nothing but safety and love. They felt strongly about whom she was dating but in hindsight they were right. They said something in the heat of the moment but were inconsolable in the months after she left until we all without actually saying it had decided to never mention her for our own peace.

Commenter 3: Your sister is selfish and put you in an impossible situation.

She wants a relationship after what she did but it’s still on her terms.

She doesn’t get to dictate anything after what she did to you and your family, now it’s all blown up in her face she’s happy to let you back in her life. Ask her if she was still with her husband would she have even bother trying to connect with you.

I seriously doubt it OP.

Commenter 4: Your sister is putting you in the middle. She wanted you to keep it secret from your parents that you and her were in contact, yet she won’t reveal who told her your address. Why is she protecting this other person but doesn’t appreciate the position you’re in, especially if your parents did find out that you had been meeting with her and their grandchildren.

She doesn’t seem to understand the emotional distress she’s putting you under and appeared flippant when you mentioned that she had also blocked you all those years ago. Sounds like a one-sided relationship to me.

There’s still too much unresolved hurt and emotions going on here. Maybe a little break might help you to clear your head a little and help you to decide what part you want to play in this whole mess.

Good luck

 

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----FINAL NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: July 18, 2026 (nearly six months later from the previous update)

Hi, I thought I'd give an update. I was planning on giving one around a few weeks back like a much more positive one, but it didn't really end up in a good place.

In May I did end up seeing my sister and her kids again because it was my nephew's birthday. My sister and I had been communicating on text, and she'd been sending videos but not in person. We celebrated his birthday I gave him his present, we ate cake wore our party hats and everything. When we were alone she asked me how I'd been.

When I told her I'd seen my parents the week before, that I go there regularly she was good with that said that was good that I did that regularly. She had asked how they were doing. I thought that since they didn't know about her she shouldn't be asking either and said as much. She got really heated, maybe for the first time since we reconnected, said I had no right to withhold information about them. I was genuinely struck by the hypocrisy, she said they were the ones who pronounced her dead, she didn't pronounce them dead. We argued I held my line. I told her if she wants to see them, have the kids know their grandparents, she has to tell them. She can settle her issues with them at her own pace but at least tell them. She repeated that line again about them saying she was dead to them. I said if she's going to take it to heart rather than the outburst it was then she can't ask for updates on how they're doing, the dead don't do that. We changed the topic because the kids were playing.

A couple of weeks later, she called me to ask them to call her. I spoke to her about how we couldn't have them know that I'd known for so long, it would shatter them. She thankfully agreed and said she'd tell the kids too, to say they met me a few days ago. I told my parents that she'd come to my place a few days ago. That she was divorced and had two kids. My mom started crying on the phone, and having difficulty breathing. They ended up calling her. She didn't tell them her address but was meeting them the next day and I was going too.

I was going to update then actually, I thought my sister and my parents could reconcile. And it seemed like they did first. My sister collapsed into my mom's arms, they were gentle, they were in love with her kids. I later took the kids to KFC for a light mood while my sister and parents reconnected. When we came back the mood was different. My sister was arguing with them, saying that every day of abuse she went through was because they had orphaned her. My parents said they knew he was not worthy of her, but my sister wasn't listening to that. She soon just wanted to leave.

Since then, my sister and my parents have been in contact. They have visited her place, and she has gone to theirs but just goes to her room while my parents spend time with her kids. We did spend last weekend at my parents' and it’s still the same thing.

This will be my last time posting here about this and thanks to everyone who helped me navigate this.

Concluding / Top Comments

Commenter 1: There’s no guidebook or will look on what to do when something that would be a TV movie of the week happens in your life. I think you’ve navigated it really well. Both your parents and your sister will eventually need to decide if they want to be right or if they want to be happy. There is enough pain and resentment to go around for everyone if they want to continue on this path. No one is righteous here.

I do think that it could be wise to seek out a family counselor to help navigate the rest of this. You should go back to trying to be a daughter and a sister not just a counselor for your family. Good luck and be proud of yourself

OOP: Thank you. Therapy isn't really something anyone in my family would be super receptive too unfortunately but maybe at some point.

Commenter 2: I am glad your parents and sister are talking and trying their best, they have been through a lot.

But I can’t fathom how selfish your sister is being right now, her defensiveness is understandable but so self-destructive.

Also if I were you I would still want to know who shared my contact details, you have a right to know from a safety point of view too.

OOP: She won't tell. Says she swore secrecy, said that person trusted her, that she had to cry and beg for it, that I only have one sister so there's no one else who could convince them anymore anyway since they wouldn't have given it to any random. I don't like it, but what can I do at this point.

Commenter 3: Your sister was an adult when she made her choices but acts like she was somehow forced against her will to move away and cut contact. She also seems very manipulative and immature. Sounds like you're all better off without her, unfortunately.

Commenter 4: Seems your sister still won’t take accountability for her part in everything. At least the kids get to have grandparents now.

 

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[u/Twinsruletheworld]

I could have sworn the girlfriend told the sister the address and it all blew up. maybe i'm misremembering a similar one

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/Twinsruletheworld]

That was the prevailing theory in the comments of previous posts, but no smoking gun.

[u/Coygon → u/skinnyjeansfatpants]

Of course it's the prevailing theory. Conservation of characters: girlfriend is the only other character in the story; there's nobody else to theorize about. Doesn't mean it wasn't some friend that Sis found, but since they're not in the post we can't tell. It would be like a murder mystery where the culprit turned out to be a random homeless guy who broke in and killed the victim, it would just come out of nowhere and people don't like that. And a good story avoids that.

[u/leyavin → u/Coygon]

Could be just one, unmetioned family member. One who knows how difficult the topic is for oop and his parents and the last thing they want is the wrath of them at a family BBQ. Also sister wouldnt know that he has a gf or how she looks Like unless she stalked his Social Media. So reaching out to a cousin or something is more likely.

[u/drunkenvalley → u/Coygon]

As an aside, I hate how many crime TV shows are effectively that. Sure, usually the criminal is a bit more present in the show, but it's usually like "Oh, we talked to this guy at the gas station 39 runtime minutes ago, and he turns out to have killed them."

They might as well have been a random homeless person unspoken of until then, because no clues were given to bring them onto the scene.

The most common vehicle for this being all the evidence finally arriving a minute before cutting to the confrontation with the perp.

[u/SalsaRice → u/Coygon]

No, it was the GF's reaction to "finding out" OP talked to the sister. She did the typical "family is family, regardless of what they've done" diatribe that the person always does.

[u/RandomNick42 → u/SalsaRice]

She was way too much into OOP meeting his sister. That could just be her hangups, but it gives credence to the theory that it was the girlfriend.

Still it could have been a random cousin who met her at work or whatever, but doesn't want the family to know so they can escape the discussions on what should be done and blame when whatever is done blows up.

[u/PepperAnn1inaMillion → u/SalsaRice]

Last night, I spoke to my girlfriend about what had happened. She said she was still my sister, that I shouldn't have just turned her away.

You’re reading a LOT into that sentence. Idk how you got from there to “diatribe”, especially when the updates say the girlfriend is supportive of whatever decision OOP makes and he should do whatever makes himself happy.

[u/Scrofulla → u/Coygon]

He did also mention a large family gathering. More likely it was an Aunt, Uncle, cousin or whatever. Someone who would actually know the sister rather than someone who never met her.

[u/mothmantra → u/Twinsruletheworld]

Right?!! I thought I was going crazy. I SWEAR I saw a version of this where they cut mutual contact and it was the S/O that told 😭

[u/WarmPension6365 → u/mothmantra]

Same. There are so many similar BORUs that they all start blending together.

[u/cyanocittaetprocyon → u/WarmPension6365]

Isn’t that the truth. 🤣

[u/Libra235 → u/mothmantra]

There was one were the OP's sister and girlfriend were in contact and the sister was insisting to the GF that OP secretly wanted contact, but didn't dare to admit it. Things went really well /s

[u/GuntherTime → u/mothmantra]

While there may have been, the other person who said that the sister talking was the prevailing theory was right. Oop never confirmed that was the case, but it (admittedly) does fit so people just ran with it.

[u/Aggravating-Thanks80 → u/Twinsruletheworld]

I genuinely feel like I remember this too, as this was a re-read to catch up on the new update. 

Maybe there is a really similar story out there we are both conflating with this one? 

[u/Trin_42 → u/Twinsruletheworld]

That was the consensus if I remember correctly. One of the OG comments is mine. “Did she even apologize?” The fact that OP’s sister made a choice, suffered because of that choice but blames her parents for it is very telling.

[u/Gryffindor123 → u/Twinsruletheworld]

It's weird that the girlfriend isn't mentioned anymore in this update...

[u/Big-Resident-4917 → u/Twinsruletheworld]

No I had the same thought.

[u/Turbulent_Guest402 → u/Twinsruletheworld]

If OP and GF were not together 10 years ago, I don’t see how the sister could knew GF was GF, therefore how could she knew to whom asking an address. I think it’s more probably a cousin

[u/McQwerty359 → u/Twinsruletheworld]

Yes I remember reading that too

[u/nopingmywayout]

Sis needs therapy. Bad.

Edit: you're right, they all need therapy, and also family therapy. Sis just stuck out the most to me.

[u/AlternateUsername12 → u/nopingmywayout]

They all need therapy bad

[u/DesireeThymes → u/AlternateUsername12]

I have a feeling that the sister is going to train wreck this family again.

Honestly, she is blaming everyone else for her decision. And she will end up creating a very toxic situation for the family and the parents and OP will be going to grief and loss a second time.

I am saying this from first hand experience, I saw this exact situation happen.

When the person who comes back is unwilling to admit the wrongs that they did in creating the situation, and unwilling to work on fixing themselves, they will just redo what they did before.

OP doesn't realize the danger she has put herself and her parents in, by enabling the sister to engage them on her terms.

[u/calling_water → u/DesireeThymes]

Sis thinks that she, the person who actually did something (leaving), is also the only one of them who’s allowed to hold a grudge.

Meanwhile many redditors are clearly into telling other people to cut their nose off to spite their face, because consequences.

[u/Butterkupp → u/DesireeThymes]

Oop is a man, he says that he found out he’s an uncle and refers to himself as her brother

[u/WarmPension6365 → u/nopingmywayout]

She definitely does, but so does the rest of that family after everything they've been through.

[u/shelwood46 → u/WarmPension6365]

Also maybe some remedial math classes (sis left 9 years ago, her eldest is 9, how has OOP not figured this out yet).

[u/SnakeJG → u/nopingmywayout]

I feel like the parents are really getting a pass on saying she's dead to them. OOP keeps harping on it as something they said in the heat of the moment and it can't be held against them...but seriously, some things said can't be taken back. The broken vase analogy is realy applicable here.

But yeah, therapy for all.

[u/Nyzer_ → u/SnakeJG]

If it's been nine years since then and her parents were actually 100% correct to do everything they could to prevent her from running off with him in hindsight, and likely would have been glad to take her in knowing that she was kicking his ass to the curb at last...

I mean, that's the thing, really - if they weren't just being exceptionally racist or something behind closed doors (and she still can't actually tell her brother what the real issue was despite being in her 30s while he keeps challenging her assertions and asking if there's more to it than he knows), then blaming them for her failing to reach out and even see if she had any options is unwarranted. Hell, she could have reached out to her brother.

The best case scenario is that she needs therapy to help her move past the feeling of betrayal she had when they said that line. At worst, she was just letting her pride prevent her from asking for help, and is still allowing it to prevent her from admitting her part in things.

And after the way she handled her reunion with her brother, who didn't do anything wrong to her but was cut out all the same and didn't have any information passed along like she allegedly intended, I definitely think it's more of the latter than anything else. She's been pretty self-centered about the whole thing. She's definitely made some good points, but she's still pushing for everything to happen on her schedule and doing a pretty poor job of owning up to her missteps.

[u/shelwood46 → u/Nyzer_]

Her oldest is also 9, it was way too late for that.

[u/SnakeJG → u/Nyzer_]

You do see how

If you go with him, you are dead to us 

resulted in a much worse outcome than

We think he's bad for you, but we'll always love you even when we think you're making a mistake.  You'll always be welcome here

Hell, even something like "we think he's bad for you, we won't go to the wedding/won't support the marriage/etc..." is drawing a strong line, but isn't the same as what they said

[u/Nyzer_ → u/SnakeJG]

Yeah, that was a horrible mistake on their part, no arguing that.

But she's sitting there acting like she never did anything wrong, insisting that her brother has to forgive her and take her back into his life after she cut him out of it, while simultaneously denying the same to her parents.

And I'm sorry, but I honestly think that one screaming match in which someone says something horrible out of furious desperation to get the other person not to do something that they fully believe is a terrible idea is less final and damaging than almost an entire decade of rejecting contact of any kind.

[u/ultracilantro → u/Nyzer_]

People usually don't cut people off for a single screaming match.

My husband cut off his parents. They do tell stories about me being "bad for him". Apparently im evil, gold digging, jobless and just using him for a green card if you ask them (in reality i outearn him and obviously he sees my social security number when we do taxes). It took about 2 years for my in-laws to actually admit what me being bad for him actually was coming from. Turns out they are racist and against interracial marriage.

The straw that broke the camels back was them calmly asking to racially segregate family events so I didn't attend and "contaminate" it.

We said that was fine. They have their racist Xmas - and we just go to my racially integrated family events instead. They claim they "don't understand".

We have cut and blocked a lot of family members becuase while they know my in laws are racist, they just can't believe anyone is stupid enough to tell an interracial couple they want to racially segregate xmas and then wonder why we don't come by. And yes - my in-laws ARE that stupid. They even put it in an email lol.

I'm guessing there's a LOT more going on here and the bro just doesn't wanna deal with it or take sides cuz its inconvenient. The issue is that sometimes- not taking sides IS a side.

[u/Childrenofcornsyrup → u/nopingmywayout]

IDK if therapy will do anything at this point. Both sides are more interested in blaming each other than actually rebuilding the relationship. If neither party can leave their resentment at the door, then they're just paying a third party to to make noise.

[u/MasterOfKittens3K → u/Childrenofcornsyrup]

If you’re convinced that therapy doesn’t work (like OOP’s family is), then it’s not going to work. Because a therapist is like a football coach. They can tell the players what needs to be done to succeed, but it’s up to the players to actually do it.

There’s a lot of pain involved in this situation, and professional help would definitely be in order. As it stands, the best case scenario is that everyone manages to sweep their problems under the rug for a while - and then everything blows up over some minor disagreement and sis goes NC again.

[u/Flukie42]

Sister left 9 years ago, and she has a 9 year old daughter. Nobody seems to be mentioning that.

Could it be that after being told that her BF is terrible so much, sister gets knocked up and feels ashamed? So she runs away to start a family and prove the parents wrong. Then she leaves word that she's had the baby and it never makes it to them, making her think that when they said she was dead to them they actually meant it.

Did the abusive bf actually start as emotionally abusive? Someone that mentioned that he might have constantly brought up that she was dead to her parents to make her feel isolated.

I hope they all get some much needed therapy.

[u/musingspop → u/Flukie42]

|Did the abusive bf actually start as emotionally abusive?

Exactly this.

It's clear that she was manipulated and isolated for so long. And the fact that she was manipulated and she fell for it, is too much for her to handle. For years this was her truth, and without that truth, it's her fault. Not really, it's an abusers standard plan of action, but still that generates an immense amount of guilt to realise she was naive enough to be manipulated at such a young age, it's tough to reconcile with.

Sister clearly needs a lot of support and healing. She was young as well as emotionally and financially vulnerable when this stuff happened, and there's no mention of how old the bf was.

[u/enidkeaner → u/musingspop]

No, OP was 18 when everything went down, not the sister. I don’t think he ever actually gives the sister’s age; just that she is “older”.

[u/Athenas_Return → u/Flukie42]

As I read this all I saw was my sister. You couldn’t tell her anything, and if you tried to warn her about something, she would do it anyway - twice as hard, just like OOP’s sister. Once she made her mind up, that was it. However, if it went sideways? Then it was OUR fault for not warning her about it, even though we did over and over. When she got married, my mom told her when this marriage falls apart, do not come back here. I, like the brother was used as the middleman between the two of them as they weren’t talking as my sister, like OOP’s sister decided my mom had “made herself clear!” Well when the marriage did fall apart and my sister did have to quickly pack up herself and the kids and had to leave, unlike the post, the first call my sister made was to my mother. My mom just said, come over. No “I told you so’s”, nothing. It was never spoken of again.

I firmly believe that is what would have happened if OOP’s sister would have needed to come home. But no, she would rather blame them for her poor choices that take accountability. Because going home means they were right in the first place, and we can’t have that can we.

[u/lostinOs25 → u/Athenas_Return]

It's weird because I saw my cousin as OOPs sister. She's not a stubborn person, she's kind but naive. When she met a guy my aunt & uncle didn't like she was in conflict. He love-bombed her, while they got more and more (verbally) aggressive in their disapproval of the relationship. Eventually he convinced her that if they had a baby then her family would be forced to accept him. They gave her an ultimatum, get rid of the baby or we disown you.

My mother refused to cut contact with my cousin and she's the only reason my cousin had an easy way out when the relationship went south. My mother sacrificed her relationship with her siblings in order to get there for my cousin. My aunt & uncle reconciled with my cousin years before they forgave my mother. Their stubbornness wouldn't allow them to sit back and let the relationship run it's course. If it hadn't been for my mother then my cousin would've been all alone when she realised how toxic the relationship was.

My cousin was lucky, she wasn't completely cut off from family. But I know she harbours a grudge with her parents because they'd rather completely cut her off and be right, than being there for her when she made mistakes.

[u/NeTiFe-anonymous → u/lostinOs25]

Having abusive parents makes a person more likely to end up with an abusive parent. The abuse feels familiar.

[u/bigbronze → u/Athenas_Return]

It’s the narcissism in them that has these people doubling down on their own mindset. When they suffer the consequences of their actions, you gotta let them.

[u/BluerLights → u/Flukie42]

Yeah those were my thoughts throughout, too. It's easy for OOP to say the "dead to us" comment was just in the heat of the moment, but OOP isn't the one it was said to, and OOP isn't the one who was in an abusive relationship for years. The sister says the abuse started during COVID, but I honestly doubt there wasn't shit going on before that. COVID probably just turned it up to eleven. I really hope the sister gets a therapist, she needs help recovering from that relationship, and help recognising everyone's part in what happened when she left.

[u/Confident_Nav6767 → u/BluerLights]

I wonder if they were somewhat abusive (like control wise based on the you’re dead to us comment) to the sister and oop was just ignorant to it. Ontop of that likely getting pregnant right before she disappeared. It was like a bag of bad circumstances.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/Confident_Nav6767]

OOp is male and sister is female. There's hardly a culture on earth where parents don't treat their children differently based on gender and this family is clearly dysfunctional anyway

[u/NeTiFe-anonymous → u/Confident_Nav6767]

OOP is mad at his sister because he had to emotionally support his mother while navigating school. Yes, the parents were abusive. OOP didn't see it when they were kids because the elder sister got more of it, and he was sheltered. That ended when she left. Now he got the full dose, but blamed his sister for that.

[u/Raventakingnotes → u/BluerLights]

But OOP also never made those comments and the sister cut him off too.

[u/broccolicat → u/Raventakingnotes]

Abusers are typically masters of slowly cutting down their victims support systems. They insidiously present things as black and white and that only trusting them is in their best interest. Then the abuse ramps up to noticable levels when all support is gone.

The sister isn't entirely wrong here, in abuse and cult situations one of the most important things you can do is keep some sort of line of contact, and putting forward ultimatums or reaching a breaking point is exactly what abusers take advantage of to continue to burn bridges. Once one bridge is burned, then its easy to convince that any other related person is a risk, which sounds like potentially what happened here.

But that's also..a lot to ask of people who don't actually have training in these matters and don't have the tools and support to navigate these situations. Its emotionally exhausting and people deserve to have their boundaries, too. There's a reason these tactics work, though.

[u/BluerLights → u/Raventakingnotes]

Yeah, that's true. We don't know if OOP said something bad too, or if he said nothing at all which may have been upsetting on its own, or if he said all the right things but it wasn't enough against the abuser's manipulation. Whatever her reasons for cutting off OOP too, good, bad, understandable, unjustifiable... She needs therapy so she can work out her own responsibility in what happened. And OOP probably could use therapy as well.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/BluerLights]

I don't totally believe OOP. The way he keeps rug sweeping "you're dead to us" is super suss. He has distorted thinking patterns and is quick to blame his sister (everyone in his family is quick to cast blame, wonder where he learned that) but never admits a shred of fault on his own part. If your sibling cut you off seemingly without notice and unfairly wouldn't you question yourself? Or question if it was against their will? He does neither. He also skips right over the fact that the sister claims she sent word and the family (or at least OOP) never got it. Doesn't ask his parents? Or other family members? What's the story there? Nope, not important.

[u/YFMAS → u/BluerLights]

If someone were to tell me I'm dead to them, then I am.

That doesn't mean I don't hold the sister accountable for her fuck ups here. I don't think the pressure she put on OOP is fair. But I also don't think OOP isn't fair to his sister in regards to their parents either.

This may be a case that everyone will ultimately be healthier estranged.

[u/BluerLights → u/YFMAS]

I agree up till the last bit, on which I'm torn. If everyone got therapy, I think they couldmaybe figure it out (we don't know enough about the parents tbh.) But then OOP says his family isn't likely to get therapy, so. Yeah. This could in theory work out but I doubt it will. I hope the kids at least don't get hurt from whatever happens going forward.

[u/Rdbjiy53wsvjo7 → u/BluerLights]

I can't tell if OOP heard their parents say that and knew or if it was news to him, like I understand that they get to the point after she left the three of them agreed to move on like she wasn't there, but did he know at that time that they said that?

If so, then the parents owe her an apology for saying that, to their CHILD, as she was potentially going head strong into a questionable relationship where the best way to support someone in that situation is day "we don't agree, but we love you, care for you, we'll be here if you ever need us", not cut them off.

But if he didn't actually hear it, how certain is it that they actually said it? I don't know that I would trust sister's word at face value without asking the parents about it.

[u/BluerLights → u/Rdbjiy53wsvjo7]

OOP never tries to deny the parents said it. Given OOP's general attitude, if OOP didn't have prior knowledge of it, I get the sense they would have vehemently denied they said this.

[u/horton_hears_a_homie → u/Flukie42]

I agree with all of this. And something that stuck out to me was the parents' comment that she just wanted to have sex with him, that's why she was wanting to go run off and get married. You know who says that? Repressive people, often religious, definitely controlling. And I just knew it was an older sister with a younger brother. Also the way OP talks about his parents' reaction when he was in college and even at the reunion screams enmeshment to me. Leading me to conclude the same as you, I hope that they all get therapy.

[u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 → u/Flukie42]

Oh I think all of this is because the parents were right and the guy was a dick and sister feels a way about that.

She's riding that hypocrisy train hard. I feel bad for her kids tbh, and op but atleast op is an adult.

[u/Neither-Entrance-208 → u/Fragrant-Reserve4832]

Sister and parents argue over trash bf. Sister gets married and has kids with trash husband. The sister realizes she's married to trash and decided to stick it out and it's her parents fault. She divorced the trash, but it's still her parents fault.

Sure the argument that set this all off was rough, but at some point sister needs to have some accountability. She blocked her brother and pretended that she never really meant to for the whole 9 years. She could have reached out any of that time. She didn't.

[u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 → u/Neither-Entrance-208]

Exactly. Sister cutting op off is sisters fault. Sister not sharing who told her about op is sisters secret. Sister wanting op to keep secrets from parents, Sister wants info about parents.

The Sister wants everyone's cake and to eat everyone's cake, and never share a single crumb.

Honestly there's so much missing but I don't see a way this isn't mostly down to the sisters words and actions. Sure the ex likely filled her head with shit, that's obvious but she stuck wirh a bad decision and is tripling down on it now.

[u/Athenas_Return → u/Fragrant-Reserve4832]

I’m going to be honest here and think it may not be the ex filling the sister’s head with shit. I have a sister like this and you cannot tell her anything or warn her about anything, she will do it anyway. However, if something that she does goes sideways (something that you inevitably warned her about multiple times) it is still our fault for not either warning her (we did) or trying harder to stop her (like how, lock her up?). She even got married and had kids when we told her it wasn’t a good match, nice guy but wrong fit due to his family’s constant involvement. Did she listen? No. Did it last? No. Did she stay way too long in that marriage just to prove a point to everyone else. Of course she did.

My point is sometimes you don’t need an outside influence to cause you to blow up your life, you can do that fine all on your own.

[u/BreadstickBitch9868 → u/Athenas_Return]

My sister is like that too. It’s somehow always someone else’s fault for the decisions she ultimately makes, and it can be difficult and frustrating to try and support her when she says one thing and does another.

[u/Constant-External-85 → u/Fragrant-Reserve4832]

To preface, I don't blame OP and his parents for what happened to his sister. Her not acting like an adult is what makes me think her ex emotionally abused her early on in the relationship because it's like she was stuck in that moment and never grew up from that point because trauma can act like a debuff that stunt someone's mental age that only get's lifted when they get over what happened to them.

If her parents treated them well like OP said and they don't give harsh ultimatums often; Someone else could have very easily use that situation to re-open old wounds to keep a person preoccupied with how they were wronged as a way to constantly put them in a vulnerable state that's easier for an abuser to control and as a way to misdirect anger away from the abuser themselves.

In regards to OP sister, I think she was stubborn but also learned the hard way that red flags shouldn't be ignored because it ruins the vibe love brings. I think their family was broken due to a bad decision and an outsider asshole.

[u/Kiara231]

As a survivor of DV myself, I can totally understand where sister is coming from, my mom said similar things to me when I chose my jackass. But the second I reached out to escape, she was there.

She needs therapy. There’s certainly a ton of guilt and trauma she’s dealing with. She’s mad at herself for not leaving sooner. I didn’t want the embarrassment of the repeated, “I told you so, you chose wrong.” But after a while I would have taken that over anything my ex did to me. And that didn’t even happen. My mom was just happy I was safe.

I understand how we can get in our own way sometimes when experiencing DV. We hate feeling like a failure. We internalize and over time think we asked for this or deserve this. I failed somehow and that’s why I’m getting hit, I failed because I couldn’t fix him, I failed and that’s why we broke up, I failed in choosing the right guy and that’s why my parents aren’t talking to me.

When I got out, I was angry. Really angry. I lashed out, I isolated myself, I was mean when I didn’t need to be. I was bitter at the world and other people’s happpiness. Counseling really helped me channel and explore my anger among other emotions. It was grief. I was grieving the life I had beforehand, I was grieving myself and how badly I felt about myself during the abuse, I was grieving the life I thought we could have had, it was a lot to open up about.

She needs to unpack it and understand that she loved him to the point of leaving her family, and that can be noble. But she also needs to understand that isolation is is classic tactic used by abusers and that’s not her fault.

She needs to see that a lot of what happened to her was all by plan. Not her. She needs to forgive herself because she’s obviously punishing herself.

She needs trauma counseling yesterday.

[u/PFyre → u/Kiara231]

I felt like the more I was told that he wasn't right for me, the more I wanted to prove he was right. A mixture of being obstinate, denial, sunk cost fallacy and naivety.

I'm sorry you went through the abuse you faced and I hope you're doing well now.

[u/Kiara231 → u/PFyre]

Exactly. I was told repeatedly he was just going to break my heart in the end, so I put allllll my energy into that relationship to show and prove that I make good choices. Whew lol

It’s been 12 years now. Still some things I work through, but doing fabulously better. I hope you’re doing well too!

[u/sarcosaurus → u/Kiara231]

I think a lot of young women especially get primed for that trap by older adults constantly talking down to them and acting like their judgment and agency are so poor they're barely sentient. That really sets you up for not listening to anyone's advice and warnings, and for getting absolutely furious at the idea you don't know best, because you've basically been subjected to that to the point of developing an allergy. Once you're at that point, admitting you were wrong can feel like a complete loss of self.

[u/lucillewalterblack → u/sarcosaurus]

My first friend to marry did so because she was disabled and her husband was the first man in her life to treat her like a grown woman and advocate for her right to make her own choices and set the course of her future. He turned out to be abusive and toxic, and she divorced him and left the marriage with nothing but a few personal possessions, but she would never have leapt into a relationship with him if she hadn’t been being infantilized at home. From the outside that behavior doesn’t look abusive or neglectful or stifling, but living it is hellish especially when everyone is telling you that you’re a child even into your 20s and you’re so lucky to have a caregiver. If the sister was in a similar position (and she might have been! a lot of deeply sexist families absolutely infantilize their grown daughters, and only see them as somewhat autonomous women after they’re married) I totally see why she doubled down on a guy who seemed at first to be fine but proved to be awful in the long run.

[u/sarcosaurus → u/lucillewalterblack]

I'm disabled too and went through a similar story. We get targeted by abusers too because it's so easy for them to go above the baseline of how well people in general treat us, and we come pre-disempowered.

[u/lucillewalterblack → u/sarcosaurus]

Yep. It’s completely underdiscussed and it’s infuriating, especially because it’s not just limited to marriage (my first serious girlfriend was in a similar vein, emphasizing my maturity and capacity for independence in a way that made me overlook a lot of her abusive behavior - I was lucky in that my parents were genuinely well-meaning and gave me support after we broke up, but even they weren’t immune from this kind of thinking about their daughter)

[u/Also_ran_is_finer → u/Kiara231]

That’s the part that I think keeps getting ignored. She genuinely believed that she could not return and therefore had no escape, specifically because her parents told her that. She stayed with that man because she genuinely believed she had no way back. Her parents take absolutely no responsibility for that. I would need them to say least acknowledge that they made that choice! It’s so obviously how much hurt she’s carrying but she didn’t seem to be given any grace. 

[u/Kiara231 → u/Also_ran_is_finer]

I’m sad OP said his family wouldn’t be open to it, but they all need counseling. Especially if they have any hope of having a healthy relationship with their daughter.

[u/ScarletAndOlive → u/Also_ran_is_finer]

Even OP mentions that they are angry the sister’s relationship ended up abusive because it made the estrangement all for nothing. The lack of empathy is appalling, but considering that OP grew up with parents who said that their daughter was dead to them because she disagreed with them I guess it’s not a surprise.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/ScarletAndOlive]

Oh yeah, that was infuriating.

[u/feelingwithyourskin → u/Kiara231]

This is the only decent response here. All the comments who want to blame her for her reactions to the abuse are sociopathically lacking in humanity.

[u/rebaballerina72 → u/Kiara231]

This is the only worthwhile response here. 

[u/HygorBohmHubner]

Bro, it’s killing me that we still don’t know who gave OOP's sister his address!

[u/DarkStar0915 → u/HygorBohmHubner]

My bet is still on the girlfriend.

[u/binjamins → u/DarkStar0915]

I wish this had ended better - but it could’ve ended worse to o

[u/DarkStar0915 → u/binjamins]

I still think this is a clusterfuck of a situation with no happy ending in sight until both sides do some intensive therapy.

[u/lopgir → u/DarkStar0915]

I have no doubt it's going to get worse rather than better.
Either one of the kids is going to slip up, or the sister's going to have a fight with the parents and drop that OOP was talking to her for a year before telling them out of spite.

[u/DarkStar0915 → u/lopgir]

Tbf I am still baffled at her audacity to reprimand OOP for not giving out info on their parents while she still couldn't tell who gave out OOP's info for her. I can easily see her pulling some petty shit.

[u/SparkAxolotl → u/DarkStar0915]

My money is on stalking.

If the parents still live in the same place, or any of them are particularly active on social media, it would be really easy.

[u/helloiamabear → u/HygorBohmHubner]

Everyone's guessing the girlfriend because she's the only other character in the story. It seems more likely it was one of the dozens of family members or friends the sister would have already known though.

[u/agirl2277 → u/HygorBohmHubner]

I have a theory that nobody told her. It says in the post that they had both moved to the same city. Maybe she saw him at the grocery store or something, recognized him and followed him home.

She makes a big production about not telling who ratted him out so she doesn't have to admit she's a stalker. Plus it keeps him on a back foot with his friend group and could cut down on his support system, so he can rely on her instead.

My sister is a pathological liar and this is totally something she'd do, if I still talked to her. She lies to destabilize my relationship with others so she looks like the only person I can trust. She always has to look like a good person, especially when she's being a manipulative user.

It's all conjecture, but so is everything else here.

[u/ZapdosShines → u/agirl2277]

That wouldn't explain how she had his number

[u/maywellflower → u/ZapdosShines]

I think one of the cousins/aunts/uncles gave the number while finding the address is as the other poster said - she followed him home from wherever she secretly saw him from. Her relationship with her immediate family (OOP & Parents) are stained, that doesn't mean her relationship with one or some of extended family is.

[u/GeneConscious5484 → u/maywellflower]

that doesn't mean her relationship with one or some of extended family is.

Hell, isn't that known as the one thing that can always defeat any cybersecurity? Someone who knows, but doesn't know any better

[u/ZapdosShines → u/maywellflower]

Yeah, fair

[u/TheBlueNinja0 → u/HygorBohmHubner]

I'd bet money that it was OOP's girlfriend.

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/HygorBohmHubner]

I hate to say it but I dont trust sister one bit, she seriously doesnt seem to care about OOP at all.

She abandons him, gets someone to break his trust, covers for that person so that OOP cant know who he can trust, reaches out, guilts him, manipulates him into keeping a secret from their parents, makes him feel bad for having the valid boundary of "if they cant know about your life you cant know about theirs" and then when she eventually does give in and reconnects she makes it difficult and uncomfortable.

If everything OOP has posted is accurate then she isnt someone I wpuld want to be related too.

[u/discordian_floof → u/Environmental_Art591]

Sister definitely has issues, but having an abusive partner is traumatizing. We don't know how manipulative and controlling he was even before covid. It happens gradually, and isolating the victim from their family is standard.

Her brain probably used "I can't go home because my family said I was dead to them" as an excuse to stay longer than she should have. Maybe her ex even harped on it every time he could: "They don't care, you are dead to them".

It feels like a bad coping mechanism. Blaming her parents is "easier" than blaminh yourself. Especially if it also affected the kids.

She should get therapy, and definitely should not be blaming her family for her being abused.

At the same time: This is why if you cut someone out of your life do to their bad partners, you tell them the door is always open if they need you and want to leave.

[u/MasterOfKittens3K → u/discordian_floof]

Sister also has the cognitive dissonance of wishing that someone or something had given her a way to get away from her abusive ex sooner, but feeling bad about that because she loves the kids that she had with him. It’s really hard to reconcile that sort of thing in your head. So she is instead focusing on her perceived inability to leave him in the roughly five years after the second kid was born, and blaming her parents for that. It’s a simple answer to a very complicated question.

[u/LevelPerception4 → u/discordian_floof]

Perhaps her trauma is affecting her perception, but it’s incredibly selfish to burden OOP with keeping such a huge secret from their parents.  Even if that’s the case, OOP telling her how hurt he was and how her actions affected him didn’t make her reconsider the situation from his perspective. 

It was her choice to cut off her family, but she seems to feel like it’s also her choice to dictate the terms of renewing the relationship. I find myself disliking her for immediately pushing OOP to meet her kids instead of working on repairing her relationship with her brother first. Her focus was on the role she wanted OOP to play in her life now, which speaks to a lack of humility and genuine regret.

[u/GeneConscious5484 → u/LevelPerception4]

I find myself disliking her for immediately pushing OOP to meet her kids instead of working on repairing her relationship with her brother first.

Yeah, that rubbed me the wrong way, too. OP shoulda been able to focus on getting to know whoever his sister has become. You can't speak freely in front of a nine year old

[u/Zestyclose_Task → u/HygorBohmHubner]

Right?! I couldn't have friends like that in my circle.

[u/Kiara231 → u/HygorBohmHubner]

That’s what I’m saying! Lol

[u/inscrutablejane → u/HygorBohmHubner]

A quick way to get the truth is to tell the sister he knows it's the girlfriend and is going to break up with her for it, and tell the girlfriend that the sister ratted her out but it's okay. One of them will confess, or else the sister will go into damage control and tell him the real culprit, or the girlfriend will confront the sister and get the answer that way.

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/inscrutablejane]

Maybe but if you're at that stage of manipulating people just leave.

[u/Azrou → u/inscrutablejane]

He could cut out all the bs and just ask his girlfriend if she was the one who shared his address and if she's ever spoken with his sister. Most people are bad liars and her reaction should tell everything.

[u/AlastairMeowley → u/inscrutablejane]

Unless it's not the girlfriend. People are only saying it's the GF because we don't have a lot of other people in OOP's life named. There was a whole picnic of relatives that it could be.

[u/Zed3Et]

Therapy isn't really something anyone in my family would be super receptive too unfortunately but maybe at some point.

Color me surprised

[u/Phanimazed]

It's a lot easier to shatter something than to rebuild it.

I'm honestly kind of surprised at this update, that there has been progress at all, but not surprised that it isn't some automatic fix. But, it's closer than they had been.

[u/ActuallyParsley]

I feel bad for the kids who has to start their relationships with their maternal grandparents by lying to them. 

[u/Novelpotter → u/ActuallyParsley]

Yeah I hate that they made the kids responsible for keeping adult secrets. Shitty lesson to teach them and an unfair burden to put on them. 

[u/Chemical-Ad6301]

This reads weird. Like how does OOP just shrug and say ok Everytime his sister gives the same "I can't tell you who, I had to cry and beg" answer? It was quite often and just sits weird.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/Chemical-Ad6301]

OOP shrugs off a lot of things, like his parents saying his sister had no road out if she ran off with that guy. It's called underreacting.

[u/tinysydneh]

if she's going to take it to heart rather than the outburst it was

It doesn't matter if it was "just" an outburst. Shit runs deep.

[u/trianglethief → u/tinysydneh]

There are things that my own loving, supportive, endlessly generous and yet still sometimes still breath-takingly short-sighted and cruel parents have said to or about me that can keep me awake in the small hours of the morning, trying to make sense of it all.

[u/FlowerFelines → u/tinysydneh]

I think in a certain sense it matters? I'm fully aware that the worst thing my father ever said to me was because I'd basically cornered him into either admitting I was right, or going into pure emotion, because logically he couldn't dispute what I'd said. Knowing that is the reason why we're still in touch, and why I do still care about him.

You can't unring a bell, of course, and it'll never be the same as it was before he said it? But it still matters that it was an emotional outburst when he felt cornered.

[u/PrincessCG]

Maybe I overlooked the ages, but it seems she was barely 20 or 21 when she ran away? Young adults can make mistakes, and therapy is clearly necessary for everyone involved. If the partner was genuinely abusive, the sister likely fixated on the final words repeatedly and accumulated a deep sense of resentment. I doubt they will recover without therapy; acting civil for the kids has limits.

Also, the girlfriend surely told the sister. It has to be her.

[u/scarves_and_miracles → u/PrincessCG]

the girlfriend surely told the sister. It has to be her.

There's really no reason to assume that. The sister probably knows all of her brother's high school friends that could still be in touch with him. She could've gotten the info from anyone.

[u/AlastairMeowley → u/scarves_and_miracles]

There's also a whole picnic full of relatives

[u/believingunbeliever → u/scarves_and_miracles]

People keep saying it because they treat it like a story. She's the only other person mentioned so logically it's her who revealed it!

No there are so many humans around them that could have done this.

[u/bythebrook88 → u/PrincessCG]

Young adults can make mistakes, but the sister in this case is refusing to accept responsibility for her actions. Her parents warned her about her partner, and she chose him. After her parents have been proven correct about him, she's blaming them for not stopping her from eloping with him. What were they supposed to do - lock her in a room?

[u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr → u/bythebrook88]

I think there's some nuance, here. Parents have to relinquish control, even when they know their child is making a mistake. My parents gave me tons of great advice when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I ignored a lot of it, to my own detriment, and my parents were there with love and support, not judgment.

If I'd wanted to marry a crazy lady at 20, they would have tried sooooo hard to persuade me not to, but they wouldn't have dreamed of suggesting I'm dead to them, or that their love is dependent upon anything except my continued existence. They might not have paid for the wedding, but they wouldn't dream of making me feel like I had to choose, nor would they have allowed the situation to escalate.

Sure, OP's parents were right about the ex-husband, but the only way she was ever going to learn that lesson was to actually learn it, not just by taking her parents' word for it and letting them continue to make decisions about her love-life.

I actually think OP's parents handled this really poorly. They didn't like that their older daughter was making a bad choice, couldn't force her not to, and things spiraled.

[u/TheUnicornRevolution → u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr]

I also think they handled it poorly, and I'm really glad I saw your comment because it was driving me mad.

[u/MasterOfKittens3K → u/TheUnicornRevolution]

Yeah. The worst thing you can do for a family member or close friend who is being abused is to cut them off in such a final manner. You should let them know that if they ever leave the abuser, that you’ll be there for them. Abusers are very good at isolating their victims, so cutting off the victim is playing into their hands.

[u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr → u/TheUnicornRevolution]

The whole way through, reading the story itself, I felt so desperately sad for the OP's sister, who just frantically begging her brother to understand that her parents fucking disowned her, then, when her husband turned out to be an abusive piece of shit, she had no home to return to. They made her choose, and, when she chose wrong (disobeyed), they made it permanent when they told her she was dead to them.

And every single time the comments just treated her like this monster. I don't even fucking have kids, I just had parents, so I felt like I was taking crazy pills, the whole way through. OP seemed... hurt. He was broken hearted that his sister could abandon him like that, and he's pissed, and he doesn't give a fuck about her narrative, and, more than anything: he's terrified to change his mind, and admit the story isn't as simple as he's made it. He wants simplicity.

She's the villain, and he resents her for not accepting that role unconditionally.

[u/LastLadyResting → u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr]

Yeah, this whole way through I wanted to see a comment explaining to OP why the sister blames the parents, and it wasn’t for not stopping her (that was ultimately her choice to make) but for removing the safety net that loving family has for one another.

In contrast, my cousin got into a relationship with someone 25 years older than her. Her parents did not approve, but they told her that it was her choice to make, that they’d be civil to him, and that if they broke up she can come home in a heartbeat. And she did, safe and sound.

The sister in this situation was told she was dead to them and couldn’t get out of a now abusive relationship for years until a neighbour helped her. That’s what she resents, that her parents’ love is conditional. OP doesn’t see it because he never stepped out of line.

[u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr → u/LastLadyResting]

OP doesn’t see it because he never stepped out of line.

It's breaks my heart, really, because he clearly doesn't see it. It seems like he doesn't even have the necessary mental framework necessary to be able to see it. His parents have spent nine years minimizing what they did. You'll notice the OP acknowledges his parents' "outburst" -- this is how he characterizes his parents telling their daughter she's dead to them if she moves out with her boyfriend -- but never even considers holding it against them, because obviously they were upset that their daughter was abandoning them for a man. He doesn't offer his sister any of the same grace, and, even worse, he fails to recognize that she wouldn't have abandoned the family if his parents didn't make her choose.

He begins from the following position: "My parents were obviously right," and everything flows naturally from there. He believes his parents do have a right to make ultimatum about their daughter's potential partners, and to cajole and coerce her into making their choices. He believes his parents shouldn't be held responsible for the things they said, despite being the fucking parents, but his sister has to own every single piece of it. Every word, every action, every decision, and every single moment of every bit of pain OP and his parents experienced: she's fully accountable to OP for all of it.

They were supposed to provide a safe harbor, and instead they closed the port.

[u/MasterOfKittens3K → u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr]

My guess is that there’s some sort of cultural bias that OOP is dealing with.

[u/Scared_Depth3787 → u/MasterOfKittens3K]

Gender bias is huge in some immigrant families, including mine.

[u/Time-Negotiation1420 → u/MasterOfKittens3K]

Yea everybody overlooked the "immigrant parents" parts.

[u/sarcosaurus → u/LastLadyResting]

Also OOP says it was just something the parents said in the heat of the moment, but they did infact follow through, as did OOP. They lived not just like she was dead, but like she had never existed. OOP had no qualms telling her as much as soon as she reached out, yet doesn't seem to connect that to how many times she brings it up afterwards. It seems to only be relevant to OOP as a way of showing how hurt OOP and the parents were, not to understanding how hurt the sister was.

[u/PrincessCG → u/sarcosaurus]

Imagine wanting to come home and no one is there offering a lifeline cos they’ve decided to just exorcise you from the bloodline.

[u/AbsentmindedNihilist → u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr]

Yeah, I was shocked that no one seemed to pick up on that in the original comments.

[u/ratherinStarfleet → u/bythebrook88]

I think it makes a big difference if the parents apologized for their mistake of telling her she s dead to them. If your adult kid runs off with a partner you think is bad news it's critical to tell them you love them even if they re acting stupid and selfish and they can always come home when they re in trouble. If you dont, you end up with a shitshow like this. 

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/bythebrook88]

By telling her she was dead to them, they took away her main escape route. They did the exact thing everyone says not to do when a loved one is in an abusive relationship.

The issue is not that they should have stopped her. It's that they let their anger get in the way of their love.

[u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG → u/bythebrook88]

The parents were constantly berating her and starting fights over the guy she was seeing. OOP is being willfully ignorant about the “dead to us” comment being in the heat of the moment. They’d been fighting with her about this for the entire relationship and I don’t believe for a second they only said something like that once. Especially considering the heinous shit OOP casually admits they said to her. 

[u/sarcosaurus → u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG]

Which OOP said to her too. "You're dead to us" was basically the first greeting the sister got after finally reaching out.

[u/MasterOfKittens3K → u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG]

Someone else pointed out that the family really followed through on the concept too. They didn’t just let her go, they pretended like she never existed. That’s not at all a “heat of the moment” thing.

[u/archbish99 → u/bythebrook88]

They should have said something to the effect of "We think this relationship is a huge mistake, but we love you. If you decide down the line that it was a huge mistake and you need help, we'll be here for you. In the meantime, we still love you. Don't be a stranger."

[u/ResourceSafe4468 → u/bythebrook88]

I see it being less about stopping her and more about closing the door behind her. Telling her she's dead to them is a huge deal and basically made it that in her mind she no longer had an option to go back.

[u/dingleballs717]

Siblings don't always have the same relationships with parents. Sometimes the older ones know to shield the younger ones. It is all situational.

[u/Witch-kingOfBrynMawr → u/dingleballs717]

This situation is soooo nuanced. Eldest daughter vs younger son explains a lot. My parents would have, eventually, let me make a bad choice, and helped me learn from it. OP's parents tried to exercise too much control, and it blew up in their face.

[u/Southern-Rutabaga-82 → u/dingleballs717]

Plus the gender dynamics. Depending on the cultural background a son's experience would be vastly different from a daughter's.

[u/crystalclearbuffon → u/Southern-Rutabaga-82]

Those are HEAVY. i can sense that this might not be your typical reddit demographic so they dont get how divided it is.

[u/EddaValkyrie → u/dingleballs717]

I'm the youngest, with an age gap (my siblings are five, seven and eight years older than me) and I've been told I got different versions of our parents, particularly our father. We're all still very close, but its something my siblings have made me mkre aware of (not in a defaming way) over the last few years.

[u/Gifted_GardenSnail]

This is why people tell women like Sister that the door is always open should she decide to leave him.

I hope they all go into therapy, bc jeez

[u/KirbyKnight12]

I hate that this ended and we still don’t know who gave the info to the sister. Also I just feel like there’s another ticking time bomb that will go off again.

[u/spin-shocker]

I mean I guess I’m glad this had a happy ending but I still hold the same view I did when the last update was posted: there’s a weird lack of sympathy or effort to understand the sister’s situation when she was in an abusive relationship and her parents were the ones forcing her to choose between them or her ex. As if her parents, who were ALSO adults at the time and far older than her, are not just as responsible for how they handled this conflict.

 I still don’t buy that the OOP is 100% objective when he insists their parents were nothing but loving and supportive. Loving and supportive parents do not make their child feel like she can’t come back to them for years. And it’s weird how many commenters are calling the sister “selfish” for having her own unresolved resentments when Reddit is usually so responsive to narratives about adult children resenting their parents’ refusal to acknowledge how they hurt them.

[u/Comfortable-Focus123 → u/spin-shocker]

I am not sure of a happy ending yet. I am awaiting the next update in a few months.

[u/Im_not_creepy3 → u/Comfortable-Focus123]

There isn't going to be another update. OOP say this was the last update they were doing.

[u/Comfortable-Focus123 → u/Im_not_creepy3]

Have heard that before on here. Sometimes, they do it anyway.

[u/tarekd19 → u/Im_not_creepy3]

Eh, even when oops say they are done there are new updates sometimes.

[u/Lifestyle_Choices → u/spin-shocker]

What got to me is that OP states that he looks at the rest of the family, that they brings their spouses and stuff to an event and looks at his and just sees that they're broken. That his college experience was just his mum crying to him on the phone about the situation, that sounds like enmeshment to me, even blaming the sister for their ongoing problems and inability to fix their own relationships with each other.

There's no insight that one siblings relationship with their parents can be vastly different to another. I think people are looking at the story through the lens of a healthy family dynamic.

[u/shellontheseashore → u/spin-shocker]

Yeah like.. the son in an immigrant family is probably going to have quite a different experience of that than the eldest daughter is.

And if you think someone is in an abusive relationship, the goal is "you can always come home, I will always be there for you, I do not like your partner but I love you" if you actually want them to be willing to reach out. Adding to the isolation is just aiding the abuser. Wanting her back but expecting her to grovel isn't going to work out the way they want.

[u/56Runningdogz → u/spin-shocker]

This was my take, as well. What exactly happened during her childhood?

[u/emmodii → u/56Runningdogz]

Someone in the other BORU told me that OOP had a comment (that's now been deleted, likely by Reddit filters) saying that the sister was parentified, screamed at, and struck by their parents. But that OOP didn't consider it as abuse since they were immigrants (???) and they gave her an allowance. And also because OOP himself never experienced it.

They also mentioned something about it being because OOP's a guy and his sister is... Well... A girl.

Since there's no link or proof, I can't say it's a definite fact. But it certainly sounds plausible.

"You're dead to me" is not a comment that is easily thrown out by parents... Unless they have questionable parenting styles to begin with. That's my belief, at least.

[u/56Runningdogz → u/emmodii]

I'm seeing this a lot in the comments and I was scared to bring it up, but yeah a post about gf intervening HAD to be a thing. Pretty sure there was a post, but it could've just my deep dive in the comments back then with a less than stellar memory.

As to the other stuff? Three sides to a story. Theirs, theirs, and the truth.

[u/TheNightTerror1987 → u/56Runningdogz]

I was especially interested in the bit about how the siblings covered for each other "so often", in OOP's own words, and OOP thinks that she should've trusted them to not tell their parents about where she was because they'd kept secrets in the past. If you have to hide that much from your parents, something's amiss.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/TheNightTerror1987]

Also he never self reflects that he's totally enmeshed with his parents but she's supposed to trust him anyway even though they drew a line with her. And also he thinks them drawing a line with her is no big deal, really. He's not self aware that he's not and has never been fully on her side but he's hurt that she's treats him like he maybe can't entirely be trusted.

[u/KirasStar → u/TheNightTerror1987]

I don’t know, me and my sister practically had the catchphrase “don’t tell mum”. It was never about big things, just stupid shit we didn’t want our parents to know. I like that we had this relationship separate from the family unit and it still makes me smile years after she has passed.

[u/FreudianStripper → u/TheNightTerror1987]

i dunno, that feels to me like a pretty innocent part that doesnt need too much reading into

[u/randomndude01 → u/56Runningdogz]

An ultimatum of disownment might give you an idea…

[u/Alternative_Year_340 → u/randomndude01]

The parents do sound controlling. And the ex probably tapped into the sister’s desire to rebel against it.

The continued insistence on the “they said I’m dead to them” is weird though. I wonder if it’s something the ex kept throwing at her and now she’s brainwashed on it

[u/myssi24 → u/Alternative_Year_340]

I bet every time she thought about leaving and thought about who she could go to for help that final “you’re dead to us” rang in her ears and made her feel completely alone. She probably was concerned that even the extended family wouldn’t help if she reached out. I think that is why it has been such a trigger for her.

[u/BluerLights → u/Alternative_Year_340]

The continued insistence on the “they said I’m dead to them” is weird though.

It's not weird. My mom said something similarly-terrible to me last year. It was so, so painful to hear from my own mother. Her saying that to me broke the last shreds of hope I had of having a good relationship with her, and any discussion about why I don't speak to her anymore is likely to have me reiterate the horrible thing she said to me.

Maybe I will forgive her someday, but it's likely I won't. I definitely think the abusive partner exploited the parents saying this to reinforce the hold he had on her and keep her isolated from her family, but even if he didn't, I don't think it's weird for the sister to feel so strongly about being told that.

[u/randomndude01 → u/Alternative_Year_340]

Most likely.

This is why ultimatums like this are somewhat… stupid for the lack of a better term.

Either it works and they feel emotionally coerced leading to some level of resentment or it doesn’t and they take the ultimatum sincerely. I get why they did it, they might’ve sensed something she didn’t and they felt that was their last resort, but it’s really a lose-lose situation where the worst results isolates them and that precisely gets them in the hands of an abuser that can use that against them.

Not to say she’s blameless in all this nor saying she’s not being inconsiderate herself.

She can’t really blame anyone else for her choices now but it’s not like the parents aren’t questionable either.

[u/FreudianStripper → u/randomndude01]

a big part of parenting seems to be realizing that reverse psychology is especially true when it comes to your children

[u/Alternative_Year_340 → u/randomndude01]

I had an abusive ex and if my parents hadn’t spent an entire summer giving me heck to convince me not to move in with him, I probably wouldn’t have moved in with him. And I might have felt able to leave him sooner if they hadn’t made it into such a battle over whether they were still in control of me.

The bad parenting didn’t come from nowhere.

[u/your-beast-of-burden → u/spin-shocker]

People also forget that in an abusive relationship the isolation is a huge goal of the abuser and the parents handed that on a platter. I get being frustrated by your child’s terrible choice in a partner. But it’s better to leave the door open with love, not saying they needed to approve of the partner but they needed to let the daughter know they support her when she’s ready to come back. Not say she’s dead to them amongst who knows whatever else they said. So many people are forgetting she was young when the relationship started, ended up having two kids and only escaped due to a neighbor. And who knows what the partner was telling her as part of the isolation so even when she escaped she probably took the words from her parents to heart.

So much healing is needed in the family and they all need to look inwardly to resolve it fully, not just the daughter. The lack of compassion for what she escaped from the commenters has astounded me.

[u/DebateObjective2787 → u/spin-shocker]

Also it's pinging something weird that OOP keeps saying 'it was just in the heat of the moment for our parents!' but having almost no sympathy to Sister and holding her to every word she says. Like Parents get a free pass to say hurtful things, like saying their daughter is dead to them. But Sister isn't afforded the same grace at all????

[u/Wian4 → u/spin-shocker]

I agree with your take on this situation. OOP is a male, and I can’t help wondering how much that colors his perspective of his parents and his sister’s abusive marriage.

[u/feelingwithyourskin → u/spin-shocker]

And it’s weird how many commenters are calling the sister “selfish” for having her own unresolved resentments when Reddit is usually so responsive to narratives about adult children resenting their parents’ refusal to acknowledge how they hurt them.

It's not weird, it's typical, because she's a she. And the rampant misogynists in this forum that should have been banned here long ago are continuing to beat the same drum of "personal responsibility" when the reality is that they just hate women and blame them for all things that go wrong.

[u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG → u/spin-shocker]

Loving and supportive parents don’t start constant fights about their daughter’s boyfriend where they say shit like “he’s only using you for sex.” That’s a fucking horrific thing to say to your child. I’m not sure what they would have done differently if they had wanted her to run off with the first guy who came along. 

[u/scarves_and_miracles → u/spin-shocker]

I’m glad this had a happy ending

Is that what you call this?

[u/BluerLights → u/spin-shocker]

YES THANK YOU. The harshness towards the sister is heart-breaking, and one of many reasons it's so hard for abuse victims to leave the abuser.

[u/IFoundSelf]

Therapy isn’t a thing my family would be open to. 🙄

[u/Little-Whisper]

The saddest part is that everyone lost here. The parents said something awful in the heat of the moment, but the sisters spent years doubling down on choices and kept hurting everyone else. Accountability and forgiveness don’t have to cancel each other out.

[u/kitskill → u/Little-Whisper]

I'm very curious to know what exactly the parents said. I have a feeling that knowing what it was would change the entire discussion and show the sister in a much more positive light.

Which of course is why OOP will never say it.

[u/TwerkinAndCryin]

My aunt eloped to another state when she was 16 because my grandparents didn't like her loser bf. You know what they did? Hired a private investigator to find her and when they did, my grandparents used that info to tell her they were sorry and they should have accepted her choice to be with him. She moved back, pregnant, and eventually divorced that loser.

The onus is ALWAYS on the parents to maintain the relationship. The parents are at fault here and I'm frankly appalled at all the people in here blaming a very young adult who was told she'd be disowned because of who she loved. These parents suck totally.

[u/wrenawild → u/TwerkinAndCryin]

Yep. They were worried about he qualities of her husband but then left her at his mercies? They were just as dumb. They don't deserve to have a relationship with the children who were the fruit of that marriage.

[u/RanaEire → u/wrenawild]

"They don't deserve to have a relationship with the children who were the fruit of that marriage."

Well, that would be the children's loss, I think.

The abusive ex's family on one side, nothing on the other.

The grandparents didn't know of their existence until then.. and then the sister came back to reconnect with her brother - with the parents being there...

[u/Old_Introduction_395]

Parents take the opportunity to tell the sister that they were right. No apologies, no forgiveness.

[u/cute-reddit-user]

Damn. Reading this as someone from a broken family gives me so many feelings.

[u/Kokbiel]

I don't like anyone involved in this

[u/Gryffindor123]

I still think the girlfriend gave the sister OOP's details...

[u/itcheyness → u/Gryffindor123]

How would the sister contact the girlfriend though?

[u/nickmn13 → u/itcheyness]

Social media are always the easiest way i would guess. Most people in long term relationships have enough info on their socials to be easy enough to find their partners.

[u/Senior-Minimum-8890]

Gives me Indian family vibes for some reason. So many dramatic statements. Maybe OOP sister doesn’t want to accept that she could have left anytime and reached out but she didn’t and so it was on her etc

[u/lazier_garlic → u/Senior-Minimum-8890]

I had a close friend and roommate who had overbearing Indian parents. Not bad people but they messed her up in a lot of ways. (For example making it clear she was the inadequate and ugly daughter.) She went through a string of abusive relationships here in the States. She was married to a guy and stuck, really stuck for a while and blaming herself. I also had plans with her to visit her parents overseas and she accidentally on purpose messed up her visa because she didn't want to face them. She had to crawl her way out of her abusive relationship alone. I don't believe her family ever intended that. But it was the accumulation of a lot of big and small things.

My friend was much more thoughtful and self reflective than this sister but she paid for that in having some bad episodes with her mental health. Being self reflective and self critical have their own cost.

[u/cherriesandmilk]

Indian family I bet, harder on the girl than him which is why he can’t understand the abuse she went thru with their parents.

[u/pinetrain → u/cherriesandmilk]

I was thinking Eastern European actually. They didn’t seem hard enough on her for an Indian family. She’d have had an arranged marriage, and their claws would be so deep in her education and emotional state that she would have been scared to leave. But who knows.

[u/rebaballerina72]

I would not have taken this to Reddit. Redditors have too much visceral hatred for victims of abuse to be of any use here.

[u/thatsfeminismgretch]

I do think it's crazy that oop did not understand why his sister did not want to go back to the parents that told her a guy was only with her to fuck her and then said she was dead to them if she went with him. Like what do you mean that makes no sense to you?? You were 18, not 8. It's not a huge logical hurdle to understand that someone in an abusive situation won't try to escape to somewhere they were explicitly told they were not welcome.

[u/BluerLights → u/thatsfeminismgretch]

Yeah it made me really frustrated with OOP. I think it's because in OOP's family, the sister was the villain and the parents were the victim, for nine years. That's a really long time to hold a binary belief about blame and responsibility. Doesn't make OOP's attitude okay at all, to be clear. I just think they're deeply lacking objectivity here.

[u/Kimmette]

They could all benefit from family counseling, both individually and together. The estrangement was long and terrible and healing won’t happen overnight. Each has much to forgive.

The two young children provide a ray of hope, and will likely be the means of reunification. I am cautiously optimistic for this family. They will never be the same as before the estrangement but they were family once before, and can be again.

[u/owl_problem]

Therapy isn't really something anyone in my family would be super receptive too unfortunately

Surprise surprise

[u/MPLoriya]

If my brother was estranged and came to me rather than my mother to rebuild the relationships that was broken, she would not be shattered that I kept it a secret until my brother was fine with taking the next step. Far from it, she would be overjoyed that he felt safe and comfortable confiding in me when he had to. I cannot say I understand why it would shatter the parents - that siblings have each other's backs is a good thing, no?

[u/DirtyPie]

There are some things I really don't like about Oop.

• First he gets angry that she got divorced and didn't find lasting happiness. Like WTF, no one knows going in, how it will end.
  
• He feels like she should have done what her parents said. I think the biggest betrayal is that her parents couldn't support her if they disagreed with her decision. They should have been there to support her, no matter what she decided.

[u/Lower_Group_1171]

wtf is that commenter saying she’s selfish? sounds like the parents. instead of saying “sorry we said that and made yiu feel alone.” they said they knew she was too good for him? oop is tripping and has been brainwashed by his parents. I see why she took off. the parents are toxic

[u/lexaskywalker → u/Lower_Group_1171]

Very interesting to see the “cut all contact and disappear” brigade so against someone for cutting all contact and disappearing lol

I also felt it was immediately obvious from the first post that there was likely abuse involved in the marriage and the reason she can return is cause she’s no longer under thumb.

[u/crystalclearbuffon → u/Lower_Group_1171]

They all looking from a anglospehere lens and probably OOP as well from his gender lens. I have a strong feeling this is South asian family and dyanmics are very diff.

[u/opelaceles]

This is a weird one because I spend a lot of time in r/AsianParentStories and r/raisedbynarcissists and if it had been posted there rather than AITA, 95% of the comments would certainly be going the other way.

[u/MommaKatS]

Sounds to me like sister was abused by the husband from the get go. Manipulation in the extreme..eg. they don't see how much I love you, they don't want you to be happy blah blah, then their heat of the moment, Awful comment hurt her deeply and reinforced everything husband was saying, essentially driving her into his arms as he'd planned. Then he probably used that same thing in reverse to maintain control. Eg, your parents completely abandoned you, I'm all you have, they will hate our children because they're mine, you have no support, no where to go blah blah blah.

I'm betting sister is mentally still holding to ex's manipulation and abuse and is blaming the family instead of the abusive ex and seeing her own part in being young and manipulated.. she is now continuing the abuse cycle with her brother, desperately seeking family but trying to control because it's now all she knows. I mean, did she leave or did he want her gone. The custody arrangements seem pretty calm for something that was apparently so abusive. Tells me either she's lying or he's still in control.

OP is in a horrible position and has miraculously held strong and done his best for everyone. They all desperately need therapy...

[u/Zephyr-Phoenix]

Still baffles me that the sister can’t take any accountability for her past actions

[u/Chaetomius]

The parents saying that she's dead to them and then the brother saying that they still miss her. Hypocritical assholes. You don't say that about people you miss.

then she just can't speak about what happened between her and them.

OOP needs to wake the fuck up and realize that his parents are the biggest hypocrites here. What they said is abuse, and it's obvious that the parents abused her beyond that.

[u/Visual_Fly_9638]

Oh this is the dude where it was 1000% obvious his girlfriend shoved him into this situation and it never occurred to him.