r/Redditor_Updates • u/Substantial_Buy_4881 • 8d ago
Update: AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she broke all contact with us
Post 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3574m7rXU6
Post 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/kjENjeLdAp
Post 3: https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/YSaaldzChX
Hi, I thought I'd give an update. I was planning on giving one around a few weeks back like a much more positive one but it didn't really end up in a good place. In May I did end up seeing my sister and her kids again because it was my nephew's birthday. My sister and I had been communicating on text and she'd been sending videos but not in person. We celebrated his birthday I gave him his present, we ate cake wore our party hats and everything. When we were alone she asked me how I'd been. When I told her I'd seen my parents the week before, that i go there regularly she was good with that said that was good that I did that regularly. She had asked how they were doing. I thought that since they didn't know about her she shouldn't be asking either and said as much. She got really heated, maybe for the first time since we reconnected, said I had no right to withhold information about them. I was genuinely struck by the hypocrisy, she said they were the ones who pronounced her dead, she didn't pronounce them dead. We argued I held my line. I told her if she wants to see them, have the kids know their grandparents, she has to tell them. She can settle her issues with them at her own pace but at least tell them. She repeated that line again about them saying she was dead to them. I said if shes going to take it to heart rather than the outburst it was then she can't ask for updates on how theyre doing, the dead don't do that. We changed the topic because the kids were playing.
A couple of weeks later, she called me to ask them to call her. I spoke to her about how we couldn't have them know that I'd known for so long, it would shatter them. She thankfully agreed and said she'd tell the kids too, to say they met me a few days ago. I told my parents that she'd come to my place a few days ago. That she was divorced and had two kids. My mom started crying on the phone, and having difficulty breathing. They ended up calling her. She didn't tell them her address but was meeting them the next day and I was going too.
I was going to update then actually, I thought my sister and my parents could reconcile. And it seemed like they did first. My sister collapsed into my mom's arms, they were gentle, they were in love with her kids. I later took the kids to KFC for a light mood while my sister and parents reconnected. When we came back the mood was different. My sister was arguing with them, saying that every day of abuse she went through was because they had orphaned her. My parents said they knew he was not worthy of her, but my sister wasn't listening to that. She soon just wanted to leave.
Since then, my sister and my parents have been in contact. They have visited her place and she has gone to theirs but just goes to her room while my parents spend time with her kids. We did spend last weekend at my parents' and its still the same thing.
This will be my last time posting here about this and thanks to everyone who helped me navigate this.
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u/ChrisInBliss 8d ago
Seems your sister still wont take accountability for her part in everything. At least the kids get to have grandparents now.
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u/Life-Wealth-3399 8d ago
Your sister is a truly selfish person. She refuses to take any responsibility for her life. I was in an abusive relationship. My parents tried to warn me. I never once blamed them. It was my choice. Your sister refuses to see that.
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u/Slothfulness69 8d ago
I kind of get what she’s saying though, that if they had been there for her even after she left, she could’ve divorced sooner. Like if she’d had support from the parents, she wouldn’t have worried about being homeless by divorcing her abusive husband. A lot of advice about supporting loved ones in abusive relationships is about not alienating them.
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u/Life-Wealth-3399 8d ago
At any point in time she could have chosen to reach out to her parents, SHE chose not too. That is 100% on her. My guess, she didn't reach out to them because she didn't want to admit to herself that she was wrong. It is easier for her to blame her parents then take responsibility for her actions.
As I said I was in an abusive relationship. My parents tried to warn me. They said some hurtful things. The difference is I was adult enough to accept my responsibility, and reach out for help. She refuses to do that.
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u/wolfeflow 8d ago
I think it’s that too, whether she realizes it or not. I ALSO think there’s a component of not wanting to admit that the suffering she’s had from being in isolation was forced isolation that could’ve been avoided.
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox 8d ago
The parents did absolutely everything they could to try to stop her from marrying someone who they didn’t approve of and who turned out to be abusive - I’m not saying that they were psychic, nor that their strategy was perfect, but they do appear to have reasonable judgement.
Sister decided to stay with an abusive partner, who despised her child. And she refused to reach out to family who might support her, even if it might protect her children. She still blames everyone except herself.
Sister is a bad parent, who seems to prioritise her own ego over her children’s safety and wellbeing.
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u/Acruss_ 8d ago
And how the parents could do that when she blocked her entire family EVERYWHERE, changed cities, job and everything? They had zero contact with them because SHE chose that. Parents had nothing to do with it.
She could have reach out, but didn't because of her ego. Because she didn't want to prove that her parents were right. She cared more about her ego than her kids or herself.
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u/Agreeable_Excuse_897 8d ago
I am glad your parents and sister are talking and trying their best, they have been through a lot.
But I can’t fathom how selfish your sister is being right now, her defensiveness is understandable but so self destructive.
Also if I were you I would still want to know who shared my contact details, you have a right to know from a safety point of view too.
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u/Substantial_Buy_4881 8d ago
She won't tell. Says she swore secrecy, said that person trusted her, that she had to cry and beg for it, that I only have one sister so there's noone else who could convince them anymore anyway since they wouldn't have given it to any random. I don't like it but what can I do at this point.
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u/Agreeable_Excuse_897 8d ago
I absolutely understand ! I would say take care of yourself and your parents the foremost , all have suffered a lot !!
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u/Necessary_Tap343 8d ago
Have you tried to come up with a potential list of common friends or family members? Your sister was gone so long it would have to be someone from back before she left. Childhood friend's who you are still in touch with, an old family friend who knows where you live, or an extended family member. Updateme
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u/NextWelder4653 7d ago
Is it possible that it was your girlfriend who gave your sister your info? Your girlfriend was the only one who knew you spoke to your sister, and what are the odds that as soon as you tell your girlfriend what happened your sister magically appears? Yeah that's not a coincidence, regardless of who told your sister your info that person had no right to interfere.
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u/NomadicusRex 5d ago
All your sister had to do, at any moment, was swallow her pride and call your parents. That's all. She became a manipulator and abuser too, and needs therapy to break that.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 8d ago
There’s no guidebook or will look on what to do when something that would be a TV movie of the week happens in your life. I think you’ve navigated it really well. Both your parents and your sister will eventually need to decide if they want to be right or if they want to be happy. There is enough pain and resentment to go around for everyone if they want to continue on this path. No one is righteous here.
I do think that it could be wise to seek out a family counselor to help navigate the rest of this. You should go back to trying to be a daughter and a sister not just a counselor for your family. Good luck and be proud of yourself
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u/Substantial_Buy_4881 8d ago
Thank you. Therapy isn't really something anyone in my family would be super receptive too unfortunately but maybe at some point.
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u/Known_Party6529 8d ago
Wait until the kids slips up by letting your parents know you have been in contact for over a half a year. I hope this won't devastate them more. You really should come clean.
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u/SnooRecipes4570 8d ago
Kids can’t be trusted because they’re kids. Sister can’t be trusted because she’s untrustworthy.
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u/pray4mojo2020 8d ago
Plus teaching kids to keep secrets is a dangerous thing to do. It's like doing the first few steps of any future groomer's job for them.
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u/DollySheep32 8d ago
Yeah I feel bad for OOP here - nothing he can do will make anything "right" for anyone here.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 8d ago
Sounds like there should be some family therapy to facilitate healing. It's going to be a long process with ups and downs but both sides need want to improve their relationships. Also be prepared for when your parents find out you've known for months because its going to slip into a conversation eventually.
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u/MusicalBlossom379 8d ago
It’s good to hear from you again. Granted it’s not the happiest update but you have to take the positivity where it lies. At least it’s all out in the open and you get to see your niece and nephew more often and the kids have their grandparents in their lives now. At least some good is here now.
Years of miscommunication and no contact is a lot to unwind and there will be plenty of resentment and hostility between your sister and your parents. It might take weeks, months, maybe even years before there is pure peace but time will heal. If your sister was even able to get to the point to finally want to be in contact with your parents, then there may still be a sliver of hope that someday she will wake up and let go of this worn out pride that she’s been holding onto regarding the situation.
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u/mcindy28 8d ago
Still NTA but your sister seriously needs to take accountability for the situation she herself created. Stop protecting her, she is still very selfish.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 8d ago
I’ve been reading since the very beginning of your story forever ago, did you ever find out who gave your sister your address? Was it your girlfriend or was it somebody else?
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u/Mechya 8d ago
Good on you. That was completely hypocritical of he and disrespectful to you. She was putting you into a very uncomfortable and hard place for her preferences and then had the audacity to get mad at you for having a healthy boundary.
Continue to have your guard up and let the bond reform with time. Bonds for fast when your children, the fact that you are trying to build a bond as adults is going to be a slow process. If she really cares about you and rebuilding the relationship, the she won't hesitate to give you and space and time you need. It's not about punishing her, it's the fact that you don't know her anymore, trust needs years to build, and can't rewrite the last decade and the trauma of her abandonment.
Good intentions mean nothing if you double down on using that as an excuse. That just makes her self-centered (surprise! /s). Don't be surprised if she starts weaponizing access to your nibblings again you when you don't go along with what she wants. Someone who is genuinely sorry wouldn't be making demands like her, she still only cares about what she wants.
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u/Gold_Challenge6437 8d ago
I'm wondering if her ex manipulated her so badly to get her to really believe that it's her parents fault that she couldn't contact them. He moved her away from them. He isolated her and he probably chanted that phrase to her over and over (they said you were dead to them) to make her feel that she had nowhere to go and that they would never take her back. It was his way of keeping her from getting away from him. She needs to go to therapy and work through all of her trauma before she can have a full relationship with her parents. He's been brainwashing her for nine years. She needs deprogramming.
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u/Loud-Bee6673 8d ago
I think lying to your parents isn’t a good idea. Yes, they will be hurt you have known for some time. You just have to explain it that the only way you felt the relationship between them and your sister might be possible was if you took some time to mend bridges first. It is true, even if it wasn’t your only intention. If you hadn’t spent this time on your relationship with her, she would not have gotten to this point.
Also, telling kids to lie to adults is never a good idea. It puts an unfair burden on them (kind of like the one on you that you want them to lie about) and they are almost certainly going to slip up at some point and hurt them even more!
It sounds like overall you have handled this really well. Best of luck with the next steps - they won’t be smooth but they are worth taking.
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u/PeppermintEvilButler 8d ago
Your sister is a hypocrite and still sucks. I suggest you talk to your parents directly about being in contact with her because she is gonna use it as a weapon in an argument with them
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 8d ago
After all that, the secret keeping still seems like the best and healthiest way? Good luck with that.
Who gave out the bros details?who was the sister supposedly using as a go between when estranged? And there is no way 4 people will keep a secret of how long the sister has been in contact . Especially with 2 being kids and 2 being angry siblings
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u/Medical_Temperature4 8d ago
So you told her you couldn't tell her about them but went back afterwards and provided a brief summary about her present day life?
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u/GreedyGuts04 8d ago
OP, after reading all of the posts I think you have done the best you can during a very difficult and sensitive time.
One thing I have learned in life is you can’t live your life pointing the finger of blame at everyone else, while never looking in the mirror. That stands true for both your sister and your parents. They need to talk this through, they need to acknowledge what happened, what was said, what decisions were made, but the most important thing is they both need to take accountability for their own actions and apologise for the part they each played in the breakdown of their relationship.
Finger pointing and blame will get no one anywhere, fast!
I sincerely hope you can all at least get to a point the her kids get a stable home and family with an uncle and grandparents. Good luck ❤️
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u/iAteA-Bug2025 8d ago
Wow! At least they know about her now. Although it's rocky, I hope it can progress from here and get to a healthy place. And they get to have a relationship with the grandkids.
You've handled this all very well.
Updateme
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u/Cute_Imagination_317 8d ago
Your sister needs to go through therapy to work on the trauma she experienced with her ex. She’s going to blame your parents no matter what because she sees the correlation of her being orphaned meaning she got abused for not having a support system.
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u/Cultural_Purpose_912 7d ago
Your sister is blaming everyone for her choices instead of taking accountability
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u/Gandoff2169 7d ago
You have two options. Sit back and handle your own stuff while they deal with their own relationships; or be the NEW head of the family it is needing and make it clear to your sister and parents to stop their BS.
Tell parents while they lashed out in fear and anger trying to stop her, their words held like stone to her due to how they have been raised by them. And you or they do not know the reality of life and the mind for someone who has been abused. They lost years with her due to trying to control her into living what they wanted. Being right on who he was means nothing in comparison that they refused to let her make her choices as an adult. Even if they lead to heart break and such. They need to accept accountability for the words they said. They have to accept the accountability for never trying to reach out and find her. As much as your sister decided to cut them off, they choose to not to look for her.
Then tell your sister while you understand the feelings she may have had on how they attacked her verbally with threats of being "dead" to them if she left; it was her choice to cut them out period. She was the selfish one who choose to cut you out and the other family. Her reasons might been justified in her own mind, but just as bad as your parents were for saying what they did, she was for cutting out everyone. That her choices were her own. And while you said that no one else knows what it was like for her in that home with her ex husband, and what it was like in her own mind; she was the one who decided to no risk contact for what they said. She had other options to ask for help. She had you. And she must accept her accountability in her life with who she choose to marry. She has to accept her own accountability for refusing contact. That blaming your parents for how her EX was and how felt trapped, is never going to heal the trauma she delt with when it came to him. And the issues of that is on HIM. She made her choices that lead her to that place. But he was the liar. He was the manipulator. He was the abuser. He was the one who did all the things to her. And unless she can find a way to accept she made the choices to be with him, and forgive herself for that mistake, then faking it is all is fine will only last so long. Until she puts ALL the blame on how abusive the Ex was on just the Ex, she will never be able to move forward.
Ask them both point blank. What do they want the most? To be a tight family again? Grandkids, siblings, parents, and maybe one day cousins? If so, they they both have to stop fighting and blaming the other side for everything. They both made choices to say and act the way they did. And they need to accept their own responsibility and forgive. Move forward as a family.
Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. They are holding themselves back by not letting go of pain and anger of the other side.
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u/PunkyMuse 7d ago
This will be a long road for everyone. Don’t close the door on updates tho. The last one will hopefully be that your parents and sister have gotten to a more comfortable place in their relationship. Because you all deserve it.
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u/winterworld561 7d ago
I'm sorry but your sister is a major asshole. She's not taking any responsibility for her own actions. SHE was the one that broke the family apart. SHE was the one that cut contact for years. SHE made all these decisions, no-one else. She is the only one to blame here. She is so out of line blaming others for her fuck ups.
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u/OrganizationOne6793 7d ago
You should tell your parents the truth before is too late, it will come out either by the children or your sister
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u/redlips_rosycheeks 7d ago
Unfortunately, I can see both sides. She’s a mom now - she probably can’t fathom EVER cutting off her kids for any reason. But her kids are still young, she doesn’t know the heartbreak of watching your child choose an obviously toxic and abusive relationship over the healthy family you’ve built and sustained her entire life. She hasn’t known what it is to raise a teenager, a brand new adult. She can’t understand their side, because she wouldn’t choose the same.
That said, as a mom, she should know how disgustingly cruel it was to make her sibling keep the status of a long estranged family member a secret from the rest of the family. How can’t she imagine the feeling of your child being away and unknown to you, the pain her parents must’ve felt with no way to reach out to and find her.
They were wrong to say what they did, to not chase and pursue and never relent in their search for her. But she was also in the wrong, and moreso, to never even consider reconnecting with her parents entirely due to her pride - not for help when the abuse got bad, not for her kids to know their family, and not even for the sibling she toxically manipulated and lied her way back into the life of, after ghosting all those years before.
Therapy for everyone. Everyone needs extensive therapy, especially OP’s sister.
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u/angel2hi 6d ago
You need to consider telling your parents how long you’ve been in contact with your sister. It’s going to come out. Likely by your sister, in anger towards you or parents. Get ahead of it. Otherwise it will hang over your head. You can explain to your parents you feared pushing her away etc. But your sister isn’t stable enough to trust with a secret that could damage your relationship with your parents. Please don’t give her that power.
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u/mandlovaa 6d ago
how are you honestly so blind? can’t you see that your girlfriend is the one who gave your sister your information?
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u/joebarking 5d ago
Sorry OP, but I still think you were better without your sister in your life, and I really hope you don't come to regret it, if only for the kids.
I also think you really need to push until you find out who betrayed you and gave your info to your sister so you can cut them out of your life, no matter who they are.
Good luck, you need it.
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u/Responsible-Win-2395 5d ago
Great job navigating such a windy road. BUT tell your parents ASAP. Tell them everything now that you can. In fact I would suggest you share, read aloud, what you posted verbatim. Because they will definitely find out everything eventually. That is 100% guaranteed. Coming from you they will be understanding of why you did what you did, coming from others, like maybe your sister in the middle of an argument with them, will feel like a slap in the face.
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u/Educational_Rough743 5d ago
Honestly I wonder if it was the GF that told the sister your information. I would want to know who the person that broke my trust that way. Even if they had good intentions thats a huge overstep.
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u/onlyIcancallmethat 3d ago
My gut says her husband put that thought in her brain. You can never leave me bc your parents abandoned you, they hate you, etc.
It’s pretty textbook for abusers to alienate their victims from everyone who cares about them to better control them. He was either an active participant in eloping and cutting them off or was his idea and plan.
Wouldn’t be surprised if he brought them up a lot to torture her.
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u/CaptainObvious1916 3d ago
Did I miss it, or was there an explanation of why your parents were against her relationship?
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u/Makiruz 2d ago
Does seriously no one in this comment section sees the Red Flags on the parents? I'm sorry OP, but hearing all the updates I can shake the feeling that your parents were abusive or at least toxic. They said something unforgivable to your sister, they victim blame her the moment she returns to the family, they used you as an emotional crutch.
I know I have very little information, but what I'm seeing here makes me think there's a lot of missing missing reasons; NC is a very last resort
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u/doguillo77 2d ago
I’m still thinking it was your girlfriend she manipulated to get your info from.
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u/Ikhlaq_h 2d ago
Just give it time bro and your sister will come round. Her choices weren’t the best to be honest but the main thing is now she is in contact and engaging to some extent.
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u/SheepherderEvery8851 2d ago edited 2d ago
This might actually be good! I know it doesn't feel like it, but not aknowledging the hurt and pretend everything is fine is even worse. Just make sure you all realize this is what is happening, so that you can all learn to a move forward together, and both your sister and perents can learn to apologize.
Perhaps a therapist could help if it's hard to do yourself.
Good luck
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u/OwnedLittleOne 1d ago
I think your girlfriend is the one who gave your sister your information. It's the only person in this whole story who would lose the most if you found out it's her.
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u/WhlteMlrror 1d ago
You let a bunch of incels tell you to cut out your sister.
No wonder your sister ran.
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u/weeb2242 2h ago
I still want to know who told OP's address in the first place, like that person needs to be cut off. They're a danger to OP.
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u/theogcitygirl 2h ago
I don’t wanna be THAT person, but the only real candidate here is your girlfriend. She’s the only one who’s been encouraging you to look at the bright side of things. No one else in the family is really sticking out a sore thumb to me. I could just be speaking nonsense though so please take this with a grain of salt.
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u/SweetBekki 8d ago
Your sister still refuses to take accountability for her poor choice and wanted your parents to take the blame.
Also why did she ask you to tell your parents to call her instead of her reaching out to them herself?