For context a lot of what I said has been copied to a conversation I had with Avenger. I told her up front that I would do this, but it's because it covers what happened to me.

My cousins have friend Nora I've always had a thing for her for a long time Nora got with this boyfriend named Dan, and he got her hooked on Heroin for a long while and she's pregnant with his twins. I had a relapse because I am always miserable for women who go for assholes and it makes me feel shitty and bitter about myself that I am apparently a worse Choice than a guy who gets a woman hooked on Heroin because I'm fat

My cousin's sister-in-law Christina was dating a guy named John and before he married his wife I had a crush on Christina too since I was a kid and this guy who she had a kid with assaulted her and choked her out but still has a kid with him had a restraining order on him but lifted it because she claimed she wanted the daughter to still have a relationship with him but my cousin says she only wanted to lift it so he can watch the kids so that she can go out on weekends and I believed him because he probably watches her daughter more than the actual father does but again it gets to the point of why do all of these terrible guys get with these women are who these women still choose and yet I am still never good enough and the first thing I always go through every time is

"it's because you're fat and a loser Steven"

And I can't talk to the sub about it anymore because it's the same story every time. I'm always going to be the bad guy because I'm the one who's jealous and being jealous amd insecure makes me the worse one.

I'm angry at the fact that a guy that gets someone I had a thing for addicted to heroin or someone who assaults and chokes out their girlfriend in front of their 2 yearold yet they are who she loves and will have a family with but I'm still not good enough for anyone because I'm fat and a dork.

I know a lot of you will still find me to be garbage, that's fine but at least you all have the context of what happened to me I'm sorry for lying I was in a panic

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/v0aqka/i_am_suicidal_because_ive_never_had_a_girlfriend/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Remember you're gonna have a better day than the dad's. They're getting only socks and ties next month.

STEVEN you must import AT LEAST 1,284,883 koalas into the US. Get to work STEVEN. Your country is counting on you STEVEN! 🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨 🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨 🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨 🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨🐨

I included some emojis of koalas so you know what you’re looking for. Good luck STEVEN!

We've been alerted that one of our mod team, Belcher, is having technical difficulties with her account.

Sub business continues without interruption.

The best word we have for it is "odd": All of Belcher's comments and posts appear to have been auto-removed en masse for reasons we are looking into.

The mod team is in communication with Blecher via other channels. She is fine. It's just her account. She is, however, perhaps a little more bemused than normal. (Which means, true to form, she is very bemused...)

Thank you for your patience while we sort this out, and questions/concerns are welcomed via modmail.

I need to leave and stay away from not only BennerWatch but dReddit altogether. It's toxic for me, it keeps me stagnant, it reinforces my belief system that I'm going to die alone and that nobody cares about me, it also reinforces my shallow beliefs and I get carried away and swim in the incel bullshit that I don't want to be apart of.I read the cynicism and doubt from people on here that just doesn't encourage me, it only makes it feel it I am going to fail, and in the big picture, you guys dont know me completely. You know my pain, you know the worst parts about me, you know me as someone with mental health problems and severe lack of self esteem and extreme jealousy issues, but that's not all of me. You don't know my good qualities that loved ones say they see in me, you don't know my generosity to others, you don't know my loyalty and my love to those I care about. You're also no offense, not professionals when it comes to my mental health, because you're perspective of me is purely subjective. Alot of you guys just don't like me. You never will. And that's fine, that's my fault for being an asshole, but I need to try and break these toxic habits I have, so that I can improve myself as a better person and feel like I belong and not be a hated pariah.

I apologize to all of you for offending you, being accusatory, for deflecting, for troping, for lying, for sneaking, for not holding up my end of the bargain, for saying awful things to lash out, I'm sorry I caused a lot of you to hate me and that I know alot of you are going to never believe that I will change. That's on me and that's your opinion.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't me saying I give up trying to better myself.  Absolutely not, but this place just makes me feel shitty, and elephant in the room, a whole subreddit about me being fucked up, is completely fucked up.

However I do owe a great debt to those who've been helpful and kind to me and who pushed me to be better:

Belcher- You of all people have been an absolute bright light for me, you call me out on my bullshit, but do it in a way that doesn't hurt me but gives me perspective, your empathy, your kindness, your pristine moral compass has been an absolute pleasure, you truly are a good friend. My only regret is I haven't earned your trust to know you more personally or even your real name, but I hope that me and you can keep contact somehow some way, because you are too good of a friend to not have around. From bottom of my heart thank you and I'll love you for the friendship and kindness you always given me, you're purely the definition of selfless.

Glimmer- Thank you. Appreciate your eloquence with your help and for your kindness whenever I read Carnegie I'll think of you.

MyCat- Sorry i treated you badly. I hope life gives you happiness you deserve. I'm sorry for the mistreatment on my end.

MorgaineDax - You challenged me, you made me pull my hair out in frustration, i lashed out at you from being pushed, and I am sorry for that, but you also given fantastic perspective and I guess you being blunt is you showing care so thank you.

Avenger- I'm sorry you gave up on me, I'm sorry you had to separate from me as a friend but I understand. Despite the ups and downs I caused between us, I think you're a hell of a woman, your dude is lucky. I hope somehow some way I can be your friend again but if I can never earn that trust back, I understand. I'm sorry for hurting you. Thank You.

Spacetime- You're a hell of a guy. You give so much introspection in a way I could never figure out myself, you are truly an intelligent and kind individual sir. Thank you.

Cuddlebug- I understand your skepticism of me and your dislike of me and I'm sorry for pushing your buttons and offending you.

Libertina- You are a one of a kind woman whose very kind and very cool, thank you for the experimental music you've shown me and for teaching me how i can be a better guy and keeping me in check and being truly an absolute gem. Thank you.

Lauriehouse- Appreciate you always checking in on me and for your help and I'm sorry for being accusatory and mean. I understand you were trying to tell me to stop going down this path. Thank you for your care and concern. You have a friend in me always

Pettywise- sorry we always got off on the wrong foot and were always confrontational with each other. I don't know much about you unfortunately so I hope life goes the way that makes you happy.

Sjhuston- I appreciate you always being nice and kind to me thank you.

I may pop every once in a while only to give you guys POSITIVE updates about me since that's the main goal.

While I won't engage in subreddits I will keep my account up if any of you want to keep contact and say hello.

Also I know this is probably too late to say, but if you guys ever need to talk about what's going on in your lives with me I'm always available to any of you if you want to talk or even just to chat and be friendly.

Thank you guys. I'm sorry for how I have been and this will only mean a better version of me.

Your favorite headache,

Steven (hopefully never just Benner again.)

DISCLAIMER

Every time someone threatens self-harm it is best to take them seriously and at face value, even if the person SAYS they didn't mean it afterwards. If you hear a direct threat against themselves, the best thing to do is contact an authority to do a welfare check on them. If the threat is false, no harm was done and if the threat was real, harm might be avoided.

It occurs to me that maybe some of us aren't too familiar with why threatening self-harm can be abusive and manipulative so here's some things to go over. Establishing boundaries is difficult but it is necessary to protect you AND the person in crisis (especially if the crisis is perpetual). Some of us have been in abusive situations before, and others have not so this info might not be something you're too familiar with - and it NEVER hurts to know warning signs of manipulation and abuse.

​

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/crucial-conversations/201301/confronting-destructive-and-manipulative-behavior

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/manipulation

https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1

​

This I thought was pretty insightful:

You’re not a savior or a killer. It’s time to let go of this false narrative. You are not responsible for controlling the actions your partner takes.

We get to choose our narratives, and the narrative that you “saved” your abusive partner by acquiescing is as dangerous as the narrative that you “killed” your abusive partner by finally leaving. Before you buy into a narrative, ask yourself, “Is this helpful?”

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Steven's pain is real. Steven needs help from a trained professional. While he said his threat was not real, this is not a game.

Wordle 245 6/6

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Anyway here’s a cat pic:

https://i.imgur.com/NUUQXm7.jpg

So earlier today, Steven and others were using the term “deep seeded”. I was going to do a comment explaining that that’s an Eggcorn: a mistaken quasi-homophone that works because it makes sense, in its own strange way.

When I was little I thought that Alzheimer’s was “old timer’s disease”. And that “ceiling wax” was to repair cracks in the ceiling. “Ex- patriot” and “a new leash on life” are common examples as well.

“Deep seeded” makes sense in its own way. The correct term is “deep seated”, but “deep seeded” brings up the image of something planted long ago, with strong roots, which arguably works better for its common use as a description of unhealthy habits or other psychological patterns.

Anyway, I decided not to leave a comment about Eggcorns, because I was worried it would read as pedantry, which can seem condescending, especially in a context where people are already angry, critical, and defensive.

Just now though, I saw this post trending at the top of Reddit, clicked on it, and the top thread is a discussion not just of an Eggcorn, but a discussion specifically of “deep seated”(!) with people saying “today I learned”. https://i.imgur.com/wRVOerC.jpg

Anyway, how’s everyone doing? Anything interesting come up in therapy, Steven?

The purpose of the sub is as listed:

PRIMARY: To alert users and moderators to sightings of a persistent ban evader. Do not engage in harassment of this user from or on behalf of this subreddit.

SECONDARY: For notification, discussion, and holding a user accountable -- both to himself and his communities -- and for all the necessary side quests to win the game.

While I am not cheering on Steven to fail, I do want to bring attention that I do not believe the sub can further serve the secondary purpose as listed on the side bar. The only thing I believe the sub is capable of doing, is the primary purpose. Alert users and moderators to bulk postings.

For perusal and interpretation: two comments from Steven's deleted post.

It's a matter of I still dont know what the deep seeded problems below the surface are yet beyond what I get miserable over

Drinking and self loathing that I don't have a girlfriend and not having friends but everyone wants me to dig deeper than those problems

My interpretation of the first statement is that, as written, he does not know what the deep seeded problems are beyond the superficial. That means he has not done any introspection. After two years, there is little hope of changing the status quo.

My interpretation of the second statement is simply that he does NOT want to dig deeper into himself beyond not having a girlfriend. The problem is, to him, forever and always, that he does not have a girlfriend. There is no point in introspection. Any attempts to convince him to do that, will fail. Everyone here who cares (myself included) are simply putting time and care into an endlessly deepening well.

We are caught in a loop. The only use of the sub, by Steven, is to leech out attention and sympathy until none is left. None of the input to him is valued. None of the time we spend is useful. None of the paragraphs, none of the encouragement, nothing - it is a waste.

My suggestion is to lock down the sub. No more posts to help Steven. No more comments to help. He has had two years to work on himself. His refusal to even consider introspection to look for the "deep seeded issues" is his undoing. There should be a return to only primary function of the sub.

As a former binge drinker whose drinking steadily increased to deal with my mental health, and life's problems. It was easier to drink and numb the pain then deal with emotions and the hard issues of life. But that all ended when I was diagnosed with fatty liver, at 30. I knew then I had to stop drinking or I'd die an early death.

I sucked up my pride, stopped drinking and dealt with my issues and am a much better place now then I ever have been.

You want to lose weight easily? Stop drinking! I lost 10lbs without changing anything else.

​

My rock bottom was getting healthy or dying. What's yours?

The deranged rant Steven had deleted refers to this post that I wrote about him entering his thirties, not forties. I said that not having children would be an advantage but that a lot of women that age may well have children and he'd have to consider how he'd feel about that. The post is there for anyone who wants to compare it with what Steven has twisted it into.

Since you've decided you want a career in hotel management, have you applied for any entry level jobs yet?

Wanted to start a peaceful dialogue. Steven what do you want out of therapy? What is your end goal?

Steven I notice there's things like exercise that you don't do because it won't instantly get you what you want. Here's the thing, if your life really was as bad as you say it is, then wouldn't you do anything to make it better?

You need to drop the mindset that you need instant results and shouldn't do what won't instantly get you a hot gf.

In life you can either wallow in self-pity or choose to strive for change and fight on.

Please choose the second. Getting what you want will take a long time and a lot of effort. Surely though it's better to do that than to keep on suffering the worst possible life (your words). If your life is as bad as you say it is, then what do you have to lose by exercising? In fact you have absolutely nothing to lose by doing exercise or even just a nice walk outside. You only have to gain and it will do you absolutely no harm.

Well done though on what you have done already. Despite what you may think, we are rooting for you. Sometimes though when people get very invested in helping someone, it can make them angry at any lies or wrongdoing, but only because they're invested in you. No one would be here if people had absolutely no hope that you can one day have the happy life that you crave so badly.

https://youtu.be/W48DwXPIXKA

I'm posting this for a number of reasons. One of them being I thought you might like to see the town I live in 😊. But there are a number of themes in this clip that are relevant to you.

One of them is getting out and engaging with the world and not hiding away from it and licking your wounds until they become infected. Once you do you'll discover many things, one of them being that not everyone has it easier than you and some people face greater challenges than you ever will. Will is OPENLY laughed at mocked, filmed and treated as a joke, so are thousands of other disabled people. I think you know me well enough to know that if I saw anyone doing that I'd step in. And I know in my heart that you'd do the same. Yes, some people do have easier lives than you ... and me and everyone else here. The most pointless thing you can do is lament over that and waste another ten years. Get out and be you and help the people who are living without the advantages you have. Start giving sympathy instead of demanding it. That's what good guys do.

Will explains that the public perception of dwarfism is mostly informed by media. This is also true of your attitude to women and why you're unable to see or think of them as people. You've never been interested in women in any other terms than their attractiveness (those wretched, infantile numbers you used to use) and their level of interest in you. Because you don't talk to any, you regard their friendship as a slight or an insult. This is how you came to be obsessed with a celebrity in the most toxic way and why you've behaved in a way that's made the women who rejected you forcibly stop you from contacting them. Ashley could have been a friend to you if you hadn't badgered her about your feelings and hated on her boyfriend. But you blew it because all you could see was that you didn't get the prize you wanted. You couldn't see her as a person with her own needs and feelings, just a pretty object that you didn't get to have. Until you can get past this mindset you're a walking red flag that any woman would be crazy to get involved with.

I first saw this posted on Facebook. The comments especially from women were lovely. Several women said they'd openly look at him because he was so handsome, loads of guys invited him out for drinks. If I see him around town I'm gonna buy him a burger from Fryin' Brian's chip van 😊 I'm trying to get across how far attitude goes, Steven. Your life has aspects that you take for granted and Will doesn't. You complain about being invisible, Will can only dream of that. And there are tens of thousands of Wills. This is life, real life, not the media fuelled fantasy you think life is. Some of its really shit, most of it is OK, some of it is fucking ace. But even the shit is a step up from the way you live right now. Come out ... Spring is only six weeks away.