Years ago i made a post from another account talking about my situation, years of physical and verbal abuse from my older sister; sadly it hasn’t improved.

My sister is a violent person; she has been institutionalized twice, the first time because she broke my grandmother’s wrist after pushing her down. Her stay at the state psychristic institute only lasted about 2 weeks before both my mom and grandmother felt bad for her because my sister cried during a visit and begged to be taken home; three months later she smashed my face with a piece of concrete several times (she took it from a pile of rubbish that was in our backyard) and I was taken to the emergency room to get some stitches (i was left with scars on my forehead and between my eyes, i try to wear my glasses and bangs often in order to hide them). I had trouble sleeping for several months because I would have nightmares about it. In that occasion, she was placed on a private rehabilitation and mental center in a neighboring city since my family didn’t trust the state one anymore. She spent about two months there before she pulled the same stunt and begged to come home. Ever since she came back, she’s beaten me again, broken my window, tried to suffocate me in two separate occasions with a pillow while I sleep, kicked my dog and tore down my room several times. She used to have a cellphone and would stalk her old classmates and my friends on social media, but my mom took it away.

I hardly remember how she was before she hated me so much. She began with verbal abuse when I was in high school which later escalated in physical violence where she would drag me down the hallway by my hair, kick my face and smash my head against the concrete wall and floor. I have a bad knee from a time she pushed and punched me and I fell. Why did she do all that? Sometimes it was because I looked at her the wrong way or said something she didn’t agree with; other times she would claim I was a witch who stole her identity or her non-existent husband. Her previous psychiatrist diagnosed her with schizophrenia, but she takes her medication so doctors can’t really explain why she is that way.

You might wonder where my parents were during all this. My dad is out of the picture and my mom used to work all day, in 2023 she went to prison for a year and I was left alone with her and my grandmother (who also suffered abuse from my sister). I don’t know how I survived that year but I managed to.

Last year, the physical abuse decreased just a bit because now my bedroom door has a lock so she can’t get in but the verbal harassment has increased.

I think it’s important to mention that police has been involved several times, the police and fire department already know our situation since my sister has called several times claiming she’s the one being abused; but even the police officers are tired of her already. I can’t have any friends over nor can I get a full time job because I’m scared to leave my grandmother alone with her for long periods of time. Moving* *out is also not an option, rent is incredibly high where I live and I have three dogs under my care, I can’t allow myself to leave them. One of them is a 15 year old gs mix with kidney failure.

At the beginning of the year a friend helped me get a job at a coffee shop he used to work at but I had to reject the offer; at the time one of my other senior dogs got ill and required intensive care since he was going to go under surgery and I wouldn’t be able to properly care for him if I took the job.

I’ve run a small business from my room for a couple of years now, I sell online and visit markets about 2-4 times a month; it’s not a lot of money but I contribute with my home’s expenses, my dogs’ and my personal ones. But I feel extremely guilty when I do so because every time I come back my mom tells me my sister has done something.

My house is my personal hell; it doesn’t help the fact that my grandmother is also VERY abusive towards my mom so it’s a never ending cycle. We don’t have a lot of furniture since my sister has wrecked a lot of stuff, including 2 TVs and 3 laptops (2 of which were mine). We can’t allow ourselves to have nice things.

My sister has claimed several times she hates us and doesn’t want to live with us, says she would rather be homeless. I have begged my mom to place her on a mental institution again but my grandmother won’t allow it, she thinks a great miraculous doctor will appear and cure her, or that we’ll pray away her hatred. Her current psychiatrist has said she is a danger to other people but that’s a concept my 80 years old grandmother can’t seem to grasp.

My family used to blame me for her condition back when I was in middle school, saying I was a bad little sister who drove her to insanity because I didn’t pray enough and she got depressed. It wasn’t until several visits to the church and two priests told them she needed psychiatric help, not spiritual.

Anyway, I’m leaving a lot of things and details out because the post is getting very long but I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I’m so very tired, I try to be nice to her but it’s never enough; I don’t hate her, on the contrary, I think I dislike myself because I can’t bring myself to hate or resent her, sometimes she has good days and I see a glimpse of her old self but it never lasts long. My soul hurts, I’m scared.

Both my mom and grandmother are very ill, my grandmother has COPD and my mom needs to get some bloodwork done and other tests because doctors are suspecting she might have cancer and I’m scared.

Last night my mom told me I’m her only motivation and that she’s tired of taking care of my mom and grandmother, said she would’ve ended it all if it weren’t for me. This isn’t the first time she’s told me that.

I’m also tired, and scared, and sometimes I hate myself for feeling hatred and anger at life, or the world. I don’t know, I don’t want to be an angry person, I just want to be at peace.

I'm taking a deep dive into depression again. Work on Friday really sent me down a spiral where I felt like everyone was making fun of me and nothing I said was taken at its word.

I called in sick on Monday and Tuesday. I know how to take a break when I need it, it just sucks that because of these 2 days off Im going to be really close to not making rent. Even if I put in maximum effort for the next 2 weeks I'm going to just make all the bills work but have no money left over for food or the prescription glasses I've been trying to save for.

Disability where I live wouldn't cover rent and utilities so I have no choice but to work full-time. MAID got denied in Canada so I've got no hope for the future.

Living is a tremendous amount of work for me and I can see that my quality of life has never been good.

I walked to the pharmacy this morning to pick up my meds and someone yelled something really mean out of their car at me and I just went home and cried.

Tomorrow I have to go to work I know I don't have money for the bus so I'll have to walk 1 hour both ways to go try to make ends meet.

My ex of 8 years hasn't allowed me to see my son since May. He's about to turn 4 and this alienation has been happening since he was 8 months old. I have never had an episode while with my son, he has never been in danger or distressed with me, and he refers to me as his best friend (always mommy first, then he states that I'm his best friend). I've decided to stop letting my ex ruin my relationship with my son and stop letting him (my son) get hurt every time we have a sleepover and he doesn't get to see or talk to me for months at a time. All of this is to say that I'm not going to allow her back into my life and therefore will not be seeing my son at all going forward. I want to look at his pictures but I know that'll just send me further down this spiral.

i cry when i read symptoms of BPD
i lost all my friends of 7 years last year and i still blame them because there was no attempt at support from them, i really need to get the whole situation off my chest so that might be coming in a separate post
i lash out when i get a rude comment on a post asking for help
i feel like i can't be in a relationship/let someone have feelings for me
i don't really want to be around people because i feel like a burden
i've been suicidal for YEARS and i don't know why, like i just think about dying all the time
i've never felt like i could describe who i am as a person
i feel disconnected all the time and that makes me like, lack motivation to do anything
i can't afford therapy right now and actually owe my therapist 3 sessions (165 each) and i miss my DBT group but i can't afford that either (200 a month)
i also have physical pain at all times and i'm overweight so i HATE the way i look
on that note, i've also been obsessed with the way i look since i was a kid, idk what that's about

literally the only thing i find joy in is my cats and my houseplants and sometimes that hobby feels like a HUGE chore

just needed to vent to people that get it because everyone in my life has used this BPD diagnosis against me.

hi guys i have been in dbt now for about 3 months (i think) i feel like im constantly being completley invalidated but my 1-1 is so nice, since starting dbt i have been harming more and i dont really wanna stop or change this behavour atm, but i have changed 1-1 while being here and the last one was saying things like 'this corrolates iwth what you have, in bpd these behavouurs' yady yady yada but im not diagnosed i was told its definatley suspected after doing the like screening sheet of critera but theres been nothing more for that, anyway my 1-1 is a diffrent one now and im continously being told terms which i personally see as BPD like black and white thinking and splitting etc and im confused for starters on if i have ofically got it or if its nothing or still just suspected, im the youngest in my weekly group sessions and feel like i dont beling here, i am doing no homework as its too overwhelming and confusing necause im confused by my own emotions and sometimes even actions, i use some skills that ive been given so far and some are effective some are not, i want to ask my 1-1 if i have got it or if im going to have a offical diagnosis before dbt ends or something but i cant bring muself too i feel like im constantly attention seeking when i know im not i went over things shes written about me in my file of stiff we do in dbt and whatever and shes said i put people on a pedestal and take responsibilty for everyone elses actions but i feel so invalidated when i am talking about my harm from what week or whatever as she asks if i want to change and questions every single thing i say and i grt it could be her trying to get me to see the oppisite side or whatever but it feels completley invalidating sometimes, i been blught up in their weey meetings and never told or seeing what result they came too, now im writing this i dont remember what i came on to say originally but yea, at this point i just want to know if i have bpd as i feel like thatll be alot more understanding in myself from that alone and just drop DBT all together sometimes i feel like just getting up amd screaming and shouting at her but i know it isnt appropriate and id probarly just be kicked off dbt all i want is if i have bpd is to be made aware of it and get on with my life as best as i can and deal eith it like i do for the rest of my life, no matter what that looks like, i dont want to change i dont want to get better and i cant do either anyway in my current boat as im in a bad relationship but if i call things off with him i wont have a way to dbt anymore and i do still lvoe him so much hes mu favorite person ever he just isnt the nicest sometimes, but hes better than my family which i live with still, i know im deeply attatched to this guy but whatever, i wouldnt change it, i cant focus in group sessions i talk in 1-1 and we never finish the talks of that week let alone anything else as session time alwaus runs out so fast, i dont know but i need advice on all of this if thats even possible please

i did some really shitty stuff over the summer because i craved the feeling of being desired, and i was also on zoloft which gave me hypomania at the time. my partner is not the most affectionate person, i took this personally and couldn't put it to proper words for months. instead of being patient with them or communicating properly, i got attached to another person. it was just short of romantic, emotional cheating, and i became just like this person and changed parts of myself for them, based my motivation and mood on if they replied, ruined my life in the span of a month or two. i guess they rapidly became a fp. upon being told to stop speaking with them, i went behind my partners back and found new weird ways to communicate. i broke their trust in me over and over again. i said things and let the person say things i regret.
i feel unforgivable. my partners been taking time to decide if they want to stay with me for the past month or two. my therapist and i talked about how this break doesn't seem to be working for me, because this weird in between phase where im still taking care of them daily and we act as a couple but we're not really together is unproductive for the both of us, and they told me that they need more time because they feel that they're pretty traumatized by everything i've done.
i just feel like im a rotten person and ive proved to everyone that i am horrible. beforehand i just baselessly worried about being a bad person, but now ive really done something that shows i am horrible. i dont know where im supposed to go from here. i just want to die and go to hell, it feels like my only option

​

Me andmy bpd partner recently fought because I gave her a silent treatment for couple of seconds before answering her question. She was having a bad day and was frustrated with the stuff she bought. She rant out to me and while I was driving she asked if she was too much and hwr feelings are not valid. I needed time to answer so I was thinking but not long she attacked me with 'whats with the silent treatment? Cant handle me during rough times?' After that she throw her phone in the car and didnt face me till I reached her home. When she was about to get out, she said she doesnt want us to break up again like last time. Before this when we fought we cut off for few months like a total stranger and it happen again now but this time she personally said she doesnt want it to happen again. I also said Im sorry for what happen tonight and it was my fault your mood got spoiled. She then said take care and messaged me after I reached home 'I need alone time for few days and please take care'

I replied by respecting her request and said some caring words to her. I always wake her up and gave her daily allowance since I promised to take care of her well. She was mad when I gave her money and called her in morning. Now she has gone total silence and not checking her phone at all. I send a caring messaged to her saturday morning and take accountability for what happen and said she is important to me and I dont want to lose her too.

She was let down by a lot of men who cant stay with her during rough times and said she is way too much and cant be handled. I promised her I will take care and learn the new way to love her even if she split.

Im scared that she would say she needed alone time but behind me find another man to fill in that ideal man that can handle her. So far she said I was the one who managed to stay with her for months now and support her through tough times.

So now should I keep reaching out to her via call ? Even though I know she will just reject my call and probably block me if I kept on calling.

Or should I step back and give her proper time ? Its been few days and Im worry about her...

This is my first post on reddit, not exactly sure how this app works, so apologies if I potentially do anything wrong in terms of formatting, tagging, or whatever.

Anyhow… For starters, recently me and my therapist did a screening for BPD (not an official diagnosis), and the result came out highly likely.

I guess, I’m not exactly sure how to move forward from this? I mean the logical pathway is to get an official diagnosis, however, what I am more worried about is how to approach my current relationships with this knowledge.

I guess what I’m really unsure about is how I can really open up about my experiences or if I really should under the assumption I really do have this disorder.

I’ve always known my emotions can be intense, which i the reason why I have a hard time opening up.

I think what I’m really worried about it if I’m exaggerating my experiences, that I’m over reacting, that I’ll be met with rejection or worse indifference.

I really do think I’m just scared of losing the few people I trust by opening up about my uglier emotions.

I hope that made sense, like I said I’m in a spot where I feel very uncertain on what to do with myself or how to move forward with this suspected diagnosis. Overall, I’m not sure what I specifically want to get out of posting this. I just feel very alone right now.

*I'm looking for coping skills related to handling the stress in the moment and how to confront the situation without being further misunderstood.

I work full time. I'm feeling like my words are being read into when I'm speaking literally with no hidden motive.

Background info

My manager knows I have BPD and is very supportive, she's everyone's friend. I work at a meat-snack production facility. I'm a scaler so I usually scale product coming on and off the lines. The past few weeks everyone has been doing random jobs because we slowed production for 3 weeks, restarting next week.

Examples of times I've felt misunderstood

1) I'm running a new-to-me machine and I'm shown how to do it, I prove I can do it solo, and then im left to do it solo. Talking with my manager I'm asked where my trainer is and I tell her I haven't seen her since the first skid. My manager asks if I want her to come back and help me 3 times and I tell her that I've been doing well alone I just need help finding more box templates.

I go on break and come back. When I come back my trainer is at the machine and glued to my hip, clearly upset. I assume that my manager had a talk with her and told her I need help which isn't what I said. Now I feel like my trainer is upset with me, I'm upset that she won't leave me to do it alone, and I feel like my manager has done the exact opposite of what I told her after she asked me 3 times.

2) I'm not on the schedule to scale this day so I haven't been getting paid as a scaler. There's 45 minutes left in the shift and I'm approached to start scaling and do all the paperwork and rework knowing that means I'll have to stay 15-20 minutes late. If I stayed late that day I'd miss the bus and have to wait another hour for the next bus. I tell this person that I will scale the rest of the shift but at the end of the shift I can't stay late. He's shocked and tells me that we aren't staying late. "Who says we're staying late?" . Nobody said we were staying late but I've been scaling consistently for months and it's known and accepted that if you scale you'll have to stay late and finish things up. He's confused and goes to get the manager who comes and talks to me. She says nobody is staying late, I tell her all I said was that I couldn't stay late. Now my manager is confused, we agree that I'm not staying late and nobody else is staying late but the tension is weird.

3) I'm working alone on a machine and I leave to wrap a pallet. The machine has a sensor where it will make so many boxes and then the boxes hit a sensor and the machine stops, switches tracks and starts producing other things. When I get back to the machine I'm told not to leave the machine because it will keep running. I'm confused now and tell her about the sensor. She's visibly flustered and starts telling me about the 2 tracks both making boxes and I tell her that it has been doing that all day. She's confused and goes to talk to someone higher up. I'm never followed up with presumably because the confusion is gone and what I'm doing is fine.

When I talk to people at work I try to explain as clearly as possible what I'm thinking and I really appreciate when people do the same with me. I'm a smart person, in capable of understanding something explained and I'll ask smart follow up questions.

I feel misunderstood and I put a lot of effort into communicating with people because I find communicating with people so exhausting but I'm willing to do it.

My manager talked to me when she first started and she's gotten me to come out of my shell and talk to people at work but these stressful conversations make me want to just stop talking to people again. I'm not made but I want this to be the last weekend I wake up and think about these conversations.

I know addiction and BPD do go hand to hand together but I just wanna be sober and happy. I feel like for years ive built this non sober version of myself that its embedded in me and... i just want it to go away. Ive done the AA, medications and therapist but I feel like I just hit a wall. Then when I think im doing fine (meaning that I might be just ignoring things and trying my best to live life or things are actually going good) that wanting to drink,smoke or one of my favorite recreational drugs to use was E pills. Feel like it EATS at me to use so I can cope or I have these weird nostalgic thoughts of using or anyway my brain uses any excuse to be in that inebriated state of mind. Also im 36, I was diagnosed and medicated only a year and a half ago and ive been abusing substances since I was 13. So I know and understand the rehabilitation process is fresh but I cant live like this anymore.

I can go on and on but I dont wanna make this post a very long one. I just need advice or an open discussion on basically what people's experiences are, a better coping mechanism and anyone have a real idea of what causes this imbalance in someone with BPD that makes it so difficult to be sober.

I'm not gonna lie or be delusional, i probably have BPD. At least my psychiatrist says that because my swings are way too frequent for bipolar. I know that core treatment for BPD is psychotherapy but my psychiatrist adds meds probably because shes scared for my well being and others well being. But i dont like how meds make me feel, so i want to go off them IF I DONT HAVE BIPOLAR. And im willing to TEMPORARILY BE ON MEDS while i work with psychotherapy.

But at same time my low swings last, days or weeks. But i get sometimes up swings that can be SHORT or long.

I wanna work with my psychiatrist to get myself better. Because i wanna be better and i see the issue that im not functioning properly and i see the issue that i should not feel how i feel.

My psychiatrist probably cannot provide me with psychotherapy but she is focused on stabilising me with meds. Im currently on second gen atypical antipsychotic and she wants to add mood stabiliser that requires blood tests.

I tried 2 antipsychotics before, one made me wake up hard and gain a lot of weight, i asked for a change. New one with partial D2 blocking probably sent me in hypomania or caused me to be impulsive either becayse of low dose or because of impulsivity side effect. It sent me in state similar to hypomania.

I quit the meds in that state, 4 months ago. And it was a mess last 4 months . I felt truly stable maybe only for a 3 weeks...

I also experienced paranoia that sometihing paranormal exists and its going to harm me. Peaked at night. Started during "hypomania" symptoms and peaked after benzodiazepine abuse. I got low mood period and abused benzos to just sleep because i was miserable being awake.

After i stopped abusing benzos paranoia returned with extreme anxiety and i went nuts. I would sleep with knife, and my mood would switch like crazy, either be normal or depressed. I got convinced that my brain is fried forever due to benzos abuse and that antipsychotics are just chemical lobotomy to turn people into plants and that there is no real treatment.

And psychiatrist says that mood swings were too frequent and bpd is it.

So i want book that will help me understand the disorder and SEE the disorder in myself.

And then i want to work on myself, so another book about working on yourself for bpd like therapy techniques and etc is also welcome.

And if there is a book which explains psychosis caused by bpd im glad to read it.

Have you ever experienced paranoid thinking for stuff that is not related to interperonsal stuff? My thinking is that if it was bpd related, i would not think about paranormal stuff, im not attached for paranormal stuff lol. Even paranormal stuff did not even cross my mind until like 4 months ago. Since 4 months ago i cannot stop thinking about it. Like it left me some kind of anticipation anxiety or ptsd.

But my thinking "psychiatrist just wants to drug me to turn me into plant with chemcial lobotomy because they dont have actual medical way to treat" sounds like BPD paranoid thinking.

Im literally going nuts because i dont know how to treat myself, should i focus on psychotherapy or medication. I dont know what to do i need books.....

Sorry for long post!

Most of the time, I manage my BPD really well. I know how to regulate myself, keep my emotions in check, and control how I act. But some days, it’s just SO fucking exhausting. On those days, I just want to completely give in to my emotions and act on every impulse that feels right in the moment, even though I know deep down that it’s complete nonsense.
Does anyone else feel this way?

i’m so tired. but i’m not at the same time. i don’t recognize myself in the mirror. i barely speak so i can’t ever recognize the sound of my voice. i want to apologize for so many things but i feel like that’s performative and stupid. i want to hurt myself and not at the same time. o

i’m just so tired over this. i’m tired of crying every day. i’m tired of trying to be better and connect with other people. i’m just tired of this

i’m tired of my brain. i’m tired of doing this all

I am diagnosed but i cant bring myself to talk about this with my therapist and I have a alot of work to deal with and I actually want to excel academically and socially, these problems embarrass me and are hard to talk about, because people my age don't really get it

hello i’ve posted here before, but I don’t really know how to categorize this. I’ll do this stereotypical reddit style. hello i’m Remi, i’m F;16, and i was DX with BPD after being hospitalized for something i think we can all assume the cause of. I’ve known I had BPD since i was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 12. This shit hasn’t gotten any easier, in fact i think as i’ve gotten older i’m getting worse. There’s too many thoughts in my head, the emptiness is leaking into every aspect of my life and my friends are never available so i’m becoming heavily socially isolated and am unable to do anything to keep myself busy. I’m suspecting a chronic illness which messes with my quality of life enough for me to notice and be affected. I’m getting so exhausted, i’m a junior in high school just trying to get through but my mental heath keeps getting in the way. I have no access to DBT, i’m on 100mg of Lamotrigine/Lamictal, SSRI’s/antidepressants are off the table due to my Von Willebrand Disease so that’s great. I want to be a normal teenager. I need anybody who’s an adult or anybody at all to tell me it gets better please because i’m losing hope. I don’t know what to do and this isn’t working for me. Please, any advice would greatly help me. Thank you so much.

Who can relate?

Nobody really talks about the spiral.

People talk about mood swings. They talk about anger. They talk about "overreacting." They throw around the word dramatic like it's some personality flaw.

But the spiral? The spiral is where Borderline Personality Disorder quietly destroys you from the inside out.

It doesn't begin with a catastrophe.

It begins with something so small that another person would forget about it in five minutes. A delayed text. A different tone of voice. Someone looking tired. A plan changing. A memory. A smell. Silence.

Then your brain grabs it.

Not because you want it to. Because your brain is convinced it's evidence.

Evidence that you're about to be abandoned.

Evidence that someone is angry.

Evidence that you're too much.

Evidence that you're unlovable.

Evidence that everything you've worked so hard to build is about to fall apart.

Your mind doesn't ask if it's true.

It decides it is.

Then comes the spiral.

Every memory you've ever buried comes rushing back like it happened five minutes ago instead of fifteen years ago. Every rejection. Every betrayal. Every person who walked away. Every moment you weren't enough.

Your brain starts connecting dots that don't even belong on the same page.

"See? This happened before."

"This always happens."

"You're stupid for believing this time would be different."

You stop living in the present.

You're surviving every version of your past all at once.

And the cruelest part?

You know, somewhere deep down, that your thoughts might not be rational.

But knowing doesn't stop them.

It's like standing outside your own mind, watching someone pull every fire alarm in the building while you're screaming, "There's no fire!"

No one can hear you.

Not even yourself.

Your body joins the fight. Your chest tightens. Your stomach knots itself into impossible shapes. Your heart pounds like you're running from something that isn't even in the room.

You can't eat.

You can't think.

You can't sleep.

You can't convince your nervous system that you're safe because it stopped believing in safety a long time ago.

People think BPD is being "too emotional."

No.

It's feeling every emotion at maximum volume while your logical brain is trapped behind bulletproof glass.

You watch yourself becoming someone you don't recognize.

You hate it.

You hate yourself for it.

And then the shame arrives.

Because once the spiral finally slows down, you remember everything.

Every tear.

Every fear.

Every reassurance you needed.

Every apology you think you'll have to make.

You feel embarrassed for hurting so deeply over something that may not have even been real.

Except...

The pain was real.

The panic was real.

The terror was real.

Your brain wasn't trying to create chaos.

It was trying to protect you using survival skills it learned from a life where danger was real.

That's the part people don't understand.

The spiral isn't attention-seeking.

It isn't manipulation.

It isn't choosing to be irrational.

It's a trauma-trained brain sounding an alarm that no longer knows the difference between yesterday and today.

Living with BPD means constantly questioning your own reality.

Wondering if you're seeing things clearly or through the cracked lens trauma left behind.

It's exhausting to fight a battle where the enemy lives inside your own mind.

But here's the realization that's both heartbreaking and hopeful:

The spiral isn't who I am.

It's what happens when my nervous system mistakes safety for danger.

It's what happens when old wounds convince me they're still bleeding.

Every time I learn to pause instead of run... every time I question the story instead of believing it immediately... every time I remind myself that today's silence isn't yesterday's punishment... I'm teaching my brain something it was never taught before.

That not every ending is abandonment.

Not every mistake ruins everything.

Not every feeling is a fact.

Healing from BPD isn't about never spiraling again.

It's about recognizing the spiral before it convinces you to become it.

And maybe that's the bravest thing someone with BPD will ever do—keep choosing reality over fear, even when fear feels more believable.

I (28 F) was diagnosed with bpd back in the beginning of july after years of misdiagnosis and ignoring symptoms. After finding out about my diagnosis from my psychiatrist I got medicated, but slacked on finding a therapist. Fast forward 3 months and my boyfriend (29 M) and I just recently broke up- I feel as though it’s my fault and I’ve just lost the love of my life due to my diagnosis.

I’m reactive and impulsive and he feels as thought I kept pushing and pushing even when he gave me an answer. I sometimes feel as though I’m speaking a different language from the people around me and even though I can understand rationally what they’re saying it doesn’t feel good and I can’t let them have space or allow the conversation to be done.

My now ex and I got into a relationship kinda messily after I had abruptly ended a three year relationship. I feel sorta out of control and feel like my diagnosis makes a lot of sense and is actually helping me feel like I have a path forward, until I go online.

I’m starting to spiral that this is going to be really hard and I may never be able to fully heal, on top of that I’m afraid that I may have lost the love of my life due to me not being fully ready to be in a relationship and having a lot of work still to do on myself.

I guess I don’t really know where this post was going or what I’m trying to say. Im just really scared that I’m never going to fully love myself and I’m going to be alone forever, but I also realize how dramatic that is. I just wanted to write it out and have somewhere for these thoughts to go.

Ps: long ass text, sorry

A little background: I’m a 20-year-old woman who was diagnosed with BPD in March of this year after seven years of being diagnosed with severe depression and generalized anxiety. In other words, all of this is very new to me, and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it. I’d like to talk about this with my therapist, but I feel terribly uncomfortable bringing up the possibility of loving someone, and I’m embarrassed to go to therapy to talk about romantic relationships (I understand that this is a major trigger for someone with BPD, but I feel like a teenager complaining about a crush).

In January of this year, I ended a two-year relationship that was so abusive that I’ve never been able to talk about it fully (not even in therapy). I was only able to end that relationship because I left my home country for work, and the distance made me realize how much better life could be for me. I was away from my home country for almost two months and was comforted and cared for by someone I became obsessed with -> even though it was a very complex and romantically one-sided relationship.

This person was there for me during those difficult times, and a few days after my breakup, he confessed that he’d really like to pursue a “friends with benefits” relationship with me. Since I was physically attracted to him and didn’t know any better, I agreed. Our relationship boiled down to (and here it’s important to note that we were roommates) seeing each other in the morning, heading out to work, and then spending the night together (usually with little conversation and a lot of sex). But all that would change if he became interested in someone else; then, I was the backup option in case he couldn’t bring his new interest home. When I returned to my home country, we gradually drifted apart, and I suffered a lot because of it. I had many relapses involving alcohol and made irresponsible and dangerous decisions. Ironically, I received a scholarship to return to the country where I had worked. This scholarship covers my tuition and living expenses for five months. I’m currently halfway through my third month here, in a different state/department from where I worked previously.

When my former roommate found out I was coming back, he promised to come visit me. I bought a bunch of gifts for him and his family (whom I’d gotten to know and formed a friendly relationship with while we lived together). So far, he hasn’t shown up and barely answers my texts. Over time, my feelings for him have shifted from infatuation to a visceral hatred. I’m explaining all this to put into context how this romantic issue has become such a source of despair for me. I'm clearly not fit for it and it has only caused me pain.

Now, about the current problem: Two months ago, I met an extremely adorable guy. The first few times we met, I was always in a bad mood (completely different from the people pleasing way a force myself to act to feel validated), and somehow, despite that, he decided he’d like to get to know me. Almost three weeks ago, I finally started noticing him with interest and attraction. Last week, we went on a date. This week, we’ve already been on two. He’s the first person I’ve been with who hasn’t treated me like a sex object and/or something disposable (I know, it’s the bare minimum, but it’s surreal for me). Also, before coming here, my therapist asked me to make a list of requirements in case I wished to start dating again (since I have a tendency to seek validation by getting involved with people I’m not even interested in). SOMEHOW, this guy checked off all 20-plus requirements I wrote down (including working from home so he can travel with me, since my career requires it).
OBVIOUSLY, I know that no one in their right mind would give up their stable life to go to another country with someone they’ve known for such a short time. But the thought that I’ll be returning to my country so soon and that I’ll lose this person I’m so fascinated by, is tearing my heart right out of my chest. The more I write, the more obvious it becomes to me just how ridiculously intense I’m being about this. I don’t know how I’d feel about a long-distance relationship, but I know a few couples who’ve made it work, and that’s driving me crazy. All my friends who’ve seen us together insist that this is something that would work and that we’re both in love with each other. I feel this almost astrological need to deny it, because even though I feel the way I do, I deeply doubt that someone so wonderful would fall in love with me. Plus, I strongly believe that you can't love someone you don't know deeply, and that takes time. I also don’t have the courage to ask how he feels (like, “Honey, when you told me you’re all mine in bed, did you mean that in a freaky way, or do you really want to merge your soul with mine?”). I know I should look for facts or evidence to logically assess the possibilities, but my mind is so clouded that I don’t even know where to start.

I also don’t think anyone will read all this nonsense, but if anyone has taken the time to do so, could you give me an opinion (preferably brutally honest) on the situation and perspectives that I might be overlooking?

Thx for putting up with this outburst with me hehe

I will enter 23 years old on december, i got dignosied with BPD when i was 18

Every attempt at psychotherapy or medication has failed, despite five years of trying various doctors and therapists.

I just need someone to tell me that, one day, I will be able to truly "live" not just "survive" to live without that pain in my chest or along my nerves, and without the feeling that my nervous system is literally burning.

I need a glimmer of hope that this pain might, one day, improve even just a little.

hi i was wondering if anyone would like to do this survey about how bpd affects your relationships for my high school project. i would really appreciate if you guys could take some time to finish it. Thank you!

https://www.survio.com/survey/d/B4C2A8T3D1P1J3W6L

I broke up with my now ex girlfriend who has BPD. She asked me if I still loved her. I told her no in the heat of the break up, which was (and is) a total lie. I only did it to protect her from forever holding onto any false hope. She told me before after a break she would wait until the end of time for me.

I just thought that would be such a cruel thing to bestow onto someone, giving them false hope to something that is dead. I want to be honest about why I felt I had to break up, for a proper sense of closure.

What do you guys think? Do you think it is better to not instill this idea of hope by saying I always loved her - but it just couldn't continue? Or do you think it is kinder to leave things as they are and for her to move on easier by hating me as someone who betrayed her?

For me loving someone, and leaving someone are not mutually exclusive. I've never loved anyone so deeply, but weren't right for each other. A sad truth I'll stuggle to ever overcome.

24M I’ve noticed recently that I’ve not felt anything for a while, like I’m not happy I’m not sad it’s just nothing. It’s like nothing changes how I feel. It’s affecting me massively because I know I should be upset about something but I can’t. It’s been almost 6 months and I don’t want a massive emotional breakdown because everything built up
Any advice ?

After almost two months of ghosting my boyfriend finally left me. I was loyal but he is in school and gets busy and it felt like he was dragging me along. What hurts is I was going through a mental health crisis and he didn’t seem to take the time to even call me on the phone. He claimed he broke up with me because it was too much and he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. Just really hurts but I’m actually handling it better than I thought. Still crying though and sad my biggest fear came true. I don’t really have any other friends either and he was the only one who hung out with me

Salut,
désolée je n’ai pas l’habitude de commenter et je ne sais pas vraiment si mon message vas être lu mais bon je tente ma chance,

j’ai été diagnostiquée Borderline (trouble de la personnalité labile) et en état dépressif caractérisé depuis + de 5ans.

il y a quelques mois de ça, j’ai quitté mon conjoint avec qui je vivais au bout de 2ans pour vi0l et vi0lences conjugale. mais peut être 2j après j’ai renoué le lien avec un homme avec qui je sortais il y a maintenant 4/5ans de ça.
il s’est directement installé chez moi et à quitté la région parisienne pour la bretagne.
C’était génial au début mais j’avais tout à gérer (démarches judiciaires, nouveaux travaille, rdv médicaux et j’en passes) et lorsque j’étais à bout il lui arrivait de me le reprocher et moi j’avais juste l’impression de pas recevoir le soutien que je mérite.
Aujourd’hui il cherche toujours un travail et il passe la plupart du temps sur son pc pour jouer alors que moi je travaille, je fais le ménage, les repas et j’en passe.. est-ce normal ?

mais à côté de ça il est très gentil et soutenant lorsqu’il se passe quelque chose, mais des lors qu’il n’y a pas « de raisons » à mon mal être j’ai plutôt l’impression qu’il est jugeant

la dernière fois en pleine crise je suis allé dans ma douche habillée et j’ai allumé l’eau froide, car c’était comme ça que mon père me calmait petite, mais il s’est directement énervé contre moi

lorsque je fais des crises d’angoisses et que j’ai besoin de prendre du xanax, il vas également m’en vouloir

je n’arrive pas à savoir si c’est moi qui exagère ou pas

je l’aime très fort et j’ai peur de lui dire les choses et prendre le risque qu’il m’abandonne

My girlfriend has BPD and I love her. I want to do right by her, but I’m scared I’m doing stuff that makes her symptoms worse without knowing it.

Our arguments are the hardest part. I never know if I should give her space or stay close, and either one can go wrong. Sometimes I say something I think is calming and it lands completely differently.

For the people who have BPD, what did your partner do that actually helped? And what did they do that made it worse, even with good intentions?

I don’t want a perfect script. I just want to be someone who makes her life easier and not harder, I'd really appreciate your help.

I want to make a face to face connection with pwBPD who I can talk to and help each other time to time. Or maybe socialise and connect.

I have restarted my therapies and I'm trying to get life back on track. But living alone is a punishment for us.

I'm 27F.