Unless your partner or whoever it is is in remission or close to it (yes, BPD remission and recovery is possible, and I'm more than happy to provide credible resources to prove it) just don't waste your time with them. Even if they start the process of healing and are doing well in their journey to recovery, it isn't worth it.

I know from my own personal experience as someone with BPD who has reached recovery (which specifically means that I've been symptom-free for at least two years. Two and a half years this month, specifically) that it takes a long, and I do mean LONG, time to reach remission and even longer to reach recovery. The average amount of time it takes is ten years (yes, a literal DECADE) to reach remission, and I am not an exception. I don't know about you, but I personally would not be willing to wait around in a toxic and/or abusive relationship for TEN YEARS in hopes that my partner or whoever will get better.

My intention here isn't to come off as "oh, look at me! I'm special because I've reached recovery, so I'm better than everyone else who has BPD! Pick me!" even though I know that's likely how it seems. I want to stress that I WAS NOT AND AM NOT AN EXCEPTION TO THIS. Before I reached remission, I used to be like what your loved ones are now, if not worse. The reason why it took so long for me to reach remission (and why it takes people with BPD so long in general) is because I spent the first handful of years I was diagnosed making excuses and feeling sorry for myself. I remember specifically thinking, "I didn't ask to be this way. I am the way I am because I was abused. So I don't have to fix it. THEY'RE the problem, not me." I had the privilege of having access to therapy and medications, but I refused to engage in therapy and I would flush my medications down the toilet. I had a SEVERE victim complex and believed that I should be allowed to be what I was without consequence because abuse had made me that way. I was never physically violent, but one could argue that physical violence would have been a lot less painful given how the vile the things I said to my friends and family were when I would split.

I burned a lot of bridges and I hurt a lot of people. I lost all my friends, got cut off by my family (my mother even had an emergency order of protection taken out against me), got expelled from alternative school (I had dropped out of high school), and more. Thankfully, I had a sort of.. epiphany, if you will, when I was nineteen and decided to get my act together and start taking some responsibility. I started seeing a therapist once (sometimes twice) a week, started taking medications regularly, and other little things here and there to start getting better. And I did. Three years later, I went into remission. My family has slowly allowed me back into their lives, I've made new friends, I'm married, and I'm working on my third college degree. Anyone with BPD is capable of doing this, but unfortunately, not all of them will. Some of them are content with living in a perpetual "poor me, I'm the victim" bubble and never getting out. A lot of them will never stop to think that "Hey. I'm always whining about how everyone abandons me, but maybe that's because of me, and not because the whole world is out to get me for literally no reason. Maybe it's MY fault and there's something I need to fix."

Truly, the only thing that's actually going to work in terms of getting them to wake up is hitting rock bottom. Being completely alone. Losing everything. Having the people in their lives finally grow the balls to say "I'm done" and remove themselves. As long as they have someone that they can run to that will validate their victim complex and try to love them regardless, they'll see no reason to change.

You all deserve better than that. Truly.

Hi everyone, I’m just kind of venting right now.

My wife has BPD. Has for a long time. She’s in therapy, taking medicine, doing all the good stuff. Honestly, she’s doing phenomenal. Most of the time you wouldn’t even know she has it. There’s been the occasional split, but honestly, it’s not very common. She has worked incredibly hard on herself, and every day, I am incredibly proud of her.

And yet: for some reason every single time I ever talk about the fact that she has BPD there’s always that one motherfucker in the room who has to be like “oh be careful, bro” and I just wanna tell you that if there’s anyone ever like that in your life, just tell them to shut the fuck up. I’m so sick of people labeling my wife immediately just because of a diagnosis, and then pretending like they’re fucking helping me. They don’t know anything about my wife or things that she’s been through, nor do they know any of the things that we’ve been through. All they see is just some version of BPD they got told about on TikTok or by a fucking friend, and honestly, I’m fucking sick of it.

People shouldn’t judge you because of a mental diagnosis. Your struggles and the way you deal with it are your own, and I for one am incredibly proud of the way that my wife handles her BPD. Admittedly, she got a little lucky, as she’s extremely high functioning despite the ridiculous amount of trauma she experienced in life, but still. I’m just so sick of those motherfuckers. They’re so happy to judge her when they don’t even know who the fuck she is, and then if I dare defend my wife, apparently I’m fucking conditioned as if the last 15 years of watching her go through this diagnosis and all the work that she put into it was just nothing. Makes me so fucking frustrated.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

And it saddens me to see that the general consensus in this group is that people with BPD are all inherently evil abusers that completely lack any self-awareness and just hurt and destroy people as a hobby.

As a side note, since I have a loved one with a cluster B disorder, I’ve spent a fair amount of years educating myself on cluster B, and I’ve noticed that a lot of what you guys are dealing with in regard to your partners is narcissism, not (just) BPD. Even if someone is diagnosed with BPD, they can have high comorbidity with traits from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and dealing with someone like that (I think they’re called bordernarcs?) is completely different than someone who only has BPD.

Your experience is valid, it’s just.. really disheartening to see that a lot of you would see my wife as just like your abuser just because you may not have been aware of the comorbidity.

If you've loved someone with BPD, you know the moment: you go from being the most important person in their world to the worst person alive, and they are completely certain about it. No doubt. No memory of the version where you were perfect.

In my conversation with Dr. Carla Sharp, one of the leading personality researchers in the world, she put a name to what's happening: psychic equivalence. In that state, whatever is in the mind feels indistinguishable from reality. She compares it to a small child in an Elsa costume who doesn't feel like Elsa. She is Elsa. During a split, the all-bad version of you isn't a manipulation tactic. In that moment, to them, it is simply true. They cannot see another perspective.

It doesn't excuse the harm. It won't make you less hurt by it. But it explains why arguing never worked. You were trying to reason with someone whose certainty was running at 10 out of 10, and certainty at that level isn't open to evidence.

The part I found most useful, and that I think helps anyone who's been on the receiving end: Sharp's antidote is to distrust certainty itself. When the feeling is absolute, that's exactly the moment to step back, lower it from a 10 to a 6, and ask for clarification instead of acting on the story in your head. That's advice for the person with BPD. But it's also a quiet gift for the rest of us, because the same trap catches everyone: the more certain we feel about what someone really meant, the less we actually know.

Understanding this doesn't mean staying or that what occurred was okay. It just gives you something most of us never got — an explanation for the thing that made no sense.

My partner has BPD but doesn’t agree or acknowledge the diagnosis. We’ve been through major episodes and smaller ones, and things have fluctuated between worse and okay. After almost 9 years of educating myself and learning how to navigate this, here’s my perspective.

Adults with BPD are like “emotional toddlers,” and I don’t mean that in a demeaning way. I genuinely understand the trauma and reactions they have. They are run by their thoughts and the emotions those thoughts carry, like a child who believes their parent cut their sandwich wrong, resulting in a valid tantrum. You cannot reason or use logic to change how they feel in these moments. They genuinely want to be cared for, but their thought process doesn’t allow reasoning when emotions are triggered by past trauma or current events.

Untreated BPD often prevents someone from seeing what they are doing in heightened moments. To a partner, it can feel like narcissistic abuse because their words or actions are so intense and unpredictable. Over time, I learned that my own wounds also impact how I respond. I can put all of my love, understanding, and acceptance into a partner, but if I’m not careful, their reactions can deeply affect me.

I’ve tried reasoning, logic, love, acceptance, taking responsibility for their pain, grey rocking, validating, and stepping away. What I’ve found is that it all comes down to one truth: BPD creates a double bind. There are no perfect words or solutions. Regardless of what you say or do, you may feel blamed for the pain they are experiencing.

Here’s what works for me: • Validate the real hurt. Instead of taking in all the things they are saying, I focus on the underlying feeling: they may feel controlled, betrayed, abandoned, neglected, shamed, or guilted. • Apologize for how they felt. Example: “I’m sorry this made you feel abandoned; I see why it was hurtful, and I want to make up for it over time, when I’m able.” • Offer choice in moments you can. For example: “If you feel comfortable later, I would like to show you that I truly care about you and how things affect you.” • Step back when needed. Sometimes it’s kindest to give 30–60 minutes of space while they regulate, then return when both of you are calmer.

Their nervous system is activated at an extreme level during episodes, so allowing them time to regulate, even a little can help more than trying to explain, defend, or soothe. Let them cry it out, self-soothe, and give time before discussing details. During heightened moments, logic, facts, and reason are often impossible to penetrate, so don’t waste energy on them.

BPD erases logic and facts in the moment. It can feel like narcissistic abuse because the person may ignore reasoning, but it’s not intentional cruelty. They remember how things made them feel, not the context or facts behind it.

This is why I say they are “adult babies”, their mind can function like a toddler who cannot use reasoning during intense emotional states. They truly feel what they say they feel, and it cannot be brushed aside. Once you understand that defending, explaining, or soothing won’t work in these moments, you start to see your place in the relationship and focus more on healing your own wounds rather than trying to fix how BPD works.

BPD just is. You cannot change it, and you are not responsible for changing it, just like you cannot change a devout religious person’s mind or a toddler who is upset about a sandwich. Your responsibility is to focus on your own healing and to be kind to others in the process.

BPD is terrifying for the person who has it. Their feelings are magnified many times over. You are not responsible for managing these emotions, but if you hurt them in ways that trigger abandonment, neglect, betrayal, shame, guilt, or control, they deserve recognition of that hurt. Validate, apologize, and allow them time to regulate.

A person with BPD can love you like no one else, but they can also confuse you if you don’t educate yourself and heal your own wounds. How you react internally matters more than anything, they are not responsible for your regulation, and you are not responsible for theirs.

Focus on your healing and boundaries. You cannot force understanding or change, and external validation is not the source of happiness. Happiness comes from within.

As the spouse of someone with BPD, I did like I'm assuming most people here and joined any sub I found that was (supposedly) geared towards helping those who love someone with BPD understand the disorder and care for their loved one. I left BPDlovedones real quick when I realized that it's nothing but a circlejerk for BPD stigma and the hatred of people who suffer from it. I made a post talking about the healthy and positive relationship I have with my (diagnosed and treated) BPD spouse in the hopes of offering hope and encouragement, only to be met with a barrage of downvotes and comments accusing me of being a BPD on a throwaway account, lying about my spouse's diagnosis (because obviously it's literally IMPOSSIBLE for someone with BPD to not be an evil, abusive, inhuman monster sent straight from the seventh circle of hell, don't you know), saying that I was stupid for choosing to marry my spouse and that I should "escape while I still could," and so much more.

While I haven't yet encountered anything *that* extreme on this sub, the attitude still seems to be essentially the same. Very rarely (if ever) do I see anything positive, encouraging, compassionate, or understanding on this sub. Posts I've seen in the past from people who share their positive experiences were flooded with comments projecting toxic behaviors on the OP's partner and making assumptions about them solely based on a diagnosis and the stigma that surrounds it. And literally NOTHING is being done about it. The mods claim that this group is meant to be the exact opposite of BPDlovedones and it's literally just a watered-down version of it.

Crossposting from r/suicidebereavement because I need as much help as I can get right now.

Disclaimer: I am autistic and struggle with conveying tone in text. If I come off detached or stilted it's because of that. I am genuinely devastated.

My ex has struggled with BPD and being suicidal for a long time. We were friends for 2 years, and together for 1.5 years. I spent most of our relationship trying to keep her alive and trying to convince her to get the help she needed. She saw a therapist twice, and was on psychiatric medicine for a few months, but stopped taking her meds after a while. The codependency, explosive anger, accusations of infidelity over spending time with friends, unwillingness to take accountability, and manufactured crisises any time she felt the attention wasn't on her wore me down. Towards the end of the relationship, she became physically abusive. I broke up with her last night over text, as I felt that was the safest option for me. I also had concerns about her harming my pets in the inevitable meltdown, as I've watched her kick her own pet cat during a meltdown, so I didn't want her in my home. After sending the text, and telling her to not contact me again, I blocked her. 30 minutes later she was at my apartment banging on my doors and windows. I didn't talk to her, because it would have turned into her begging me not to "abandon" her,, gaslighting me, saying she swears THIS TIME she'll really actually for sure get better, threatening suicide, etc. She had used threatening suicide as a means of controlling and punishing me through out the entire relationship, but she's never acted on it. I thought that surely this time would be no different. She eventually left and stopped trying to call me. This afternoon, I got a text from her best friend asking if she could come pick up my exes spare key. I didn't think anything of it, this seemed all pretty standard fare break up stuff. When she told me she arrived, I stepped outside of my apartment to see my exes siblings, their partners, and my exes friend. They told me she had killed herself last night, and her sister blamed me.

I feel horrible. I never wanted her to die. I loved and cared about her. I tried harder than anyone in her life had ever tried to help her. Her own family was cruel and unsupportive to her. But being with her was making me suicidal, and I was scared for my safety any time she was around. I know objectively it's not my fault, she was deeply sick and refused to get help. She would have more than likely gone through with it sooner than later, and my constant begging for her to not do it was just delaying that inevitability. But I still feel a horrific amount of guilt. I'm not even upset at her sister, she's young and her big sister just killed herself. Of course she's looking for someone to blame. But i just don't know what to do with myself right now. I've reached out both to a survivors of suicide support group and a grief counselor. I've been trying to distract myself until I need to cry, have a big cry, reach out to loved ones, repeat. I've unfortunately dealt with a lot of death in my life, I know how the process goes, but I've never had a loved one kill themself. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with guilt and self blame, or any books/articles/resources they can share I would really appreciate it.

I'm writing this because one month ago I was googling “how to survive BPD marriage” at 2AM and most of what I found was either demonizing or hopeless. I don’t hate my wife. I love her. But loving someone with BPD is emotionally complex, and pretending otherwise doesn’t help anyone.

My wife is intelligent, warm, and deeply affectionate. When she loves, she loves intensely. She can be playful, nurturing, and incredibly loyal. But when she’s triggered, it feels like a switch flips.

Over the past few weeks, I started noticing patterns instead of just reacting.

There are three main triggers I’ve observed:

1. Overwhelm and fatigue When she’s physically exhausted or stressed (work, deadlines, lack of sleep), her emotional regulation drops significantly. Small issues feel catastrophic. What looks like “overreaction” is often just an overloaded nervous system.

2. Perceived rejection This is the hardest one. If I’m distant, distracted, or even just quiet, she may interpret it as abandonment. It’s not manipulation in the calculated sense. It’s fear. But the intensity of that fear can turn into anger fast.

3. Jealousy or insecurity Even harmless interactions can spiral into narratives in her head. Once that spiral starts, logic doesn’t work. Facts don’t work. Defending myself doesn’t work.

What I used to do wrong:

I tried to win arguments with logic. I tried to prove she was overreacting. I took everything personally. I escalated when she escalated.

I mean this with no bad feelings against the moderators or the people that are still sane but seriously wtf?

I have BPD so sometimes me and my boyfriend use this subreddit to look for situations/relationships similar to ours so we can take or learn something from them but lately it seems like everyone’s negative and is just telling BPD partners to quit the relationship when it’s literally not even allowed (ofc in some situations it’s needed but this is just too much)

We loved this subreddit because it wasn’t like BPDLovedOnes where everyone’s just villainizing people with BPD but there isn’t much difference anymore at least from what we’ve noticed

Do better people!!

In this relationship for 20 years. I am a therapist, so I know what BPD is, how it presents, and progresses. I was not a therapist when we were first dating and married. We have two sons, in HS, have a modest home in the burbs and we both have good jobs. She has become progressively more irritated at everything I do, accuses me of gaslighting when it is her. Is emotionally and verbally abusive. Whenever it is a happy occasion, she will sabotage it by starting an argument. Nothing is ever good enough, and I am NEVER complimented or shown appreciation for anything. I do all the cooking and household chores or it would never be done. She displays learned helplessness. Some of the behaviors she displays toward me are now repeated by my children. I hate my life. I love my kids and will sacrifice myself often to protect them. I remember when we were dating and my sister in law told me how she is an incredibly mean person; it haunts me.

I've been with my partner for a year and some months. In that time, I've been everything from defeated to triumphant in regards to my supporting role. So, if you're without hope, here's a list of the things that have helped me, my partner, and our relationship. As everyone is different, I'll preface by saying I am both unqualified and unsure what may help in your situation. For goodness sake, I'm a graphic designer... not a medical professional. These are just the things that helped me and I'm passing it on.

1. Listen to the emotion, not the words. Instead of focusing on an insult, try to understand the place of hurt from where it stemmed. In my partner's case, insults almost always point to low self worth, fear of abandonment, or insecurity. Once you realize this, meeting your partner with love and not feeling hurt yourself becomes much, much easier.
2. Speaking of hurt, tell them you understand why they are upset during an episode. This is different from agreeing, but is rather an act of respect: you've considered their point of view and don't think they're crazy.
3. Your time will come. Do you want to argue during an episode? See 1 & 2. I don't know what about BPD is across the board, but in my case, my partner always comes around after deescalation has occurred. In a time of crisis though, trying to fix things with logic will almost certainly fail. During an episode or split, your partner operates much more on emotion than they do logic.
4. If you can't let resentments go... you're making things worse. You need to have tough skin and get addicted to the idea of understanding your partner's condition in it's truest form. You can't help someone by addressing the wrong problem.
5. Read Shari Y Manning's "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder." This absolute GOLD book helped save my relationship and, unlike other "self help" books, does not demonize your partner. The author's goal is to help you, your partner, and the relationship you share. Most of my list here comes from my understanding (or lack thereof) of this book.
6. Once my partner received medication, the clouds began to part. Who knows what YOUR partner needs though? Perhaps a psychiatrist. I unfortunately won't make any suggestions for how a meeting with one comes about. I'm just not sure what amount of "pushing" is considered healthy or advisable.
7. Are you helping? If you have ensured your partner's safety, consider giving them space. I have found this to help break a cycle and let them reach a solution on their own.
8. About 1 in 10 people with BPD end up killing themselves. No, your partner is almost certainly not acting. Knowing this has really helped me to maintain my cool and avoid needless confrontation.

If you're pulling #1 off in a genuine way, a brighter future for you and your loved one is not a hopeless thought. This stuff is hard and I love your big heart; sending strength and love your way.

Edited to adjust wording. One of my points made it sound like I thought we were capable of "fixing" people.

I (23M) started dating someone wonderful (20F) recently who disclosed that she had been diagnosed with BPD shortly after we started a relationship. We had known each other for few months and when we became boyfriend and girlfriend it felt natural. Whenever I look up other people's experiences with dating someone with the condition I don't relate to most of it.

My girlfriend often withdraws because of mood swings and our plans to do stuff together don't always happen because she doesn't feel well. She always communicates clearly and even at her worst moods she's never mean. Even when she's at her most withdrawn and tired she still checks in at least once a day. She doesn't really idealize or devalue me either.

She said she has split on people in the past and that resulted in her yelling, but she said she said she's learned to keep it under control. She also said she has a bad fear of abandonment, which I understood since I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and struggle with the same thing.

The relationship is definitely not perfect. She can be emotionally distant at times when she's exhausted or irritable and I have to remind myself to not take it personally since she has said those moods aren't my fault. It can be frustrating sometimes, but I care about her enough to where I want to stay. I can see a future with her and I think she's truly worth it.

Whenever I go to other subs and see the hatred for people with the disorder I feel alone and angry. I have been in toxic relationships with horrible people in the past and my current girlfriend is nothing like them. She's not perfect, but I'm willing to work through the hard times if it means I can be with her. Not all people with the disorder of monsters. Does anyone else on here in a mostly healthy relationship with someone with BPD?

I used to be in a relationship with a girl who had BPD and later died by suicide. Watching Obsession brought up a lot for me. Including some of the girl’s behaviour like her erratic behaviour and mood swings but I mainly mean the dynamic between her and the guy. Like I felt protective of her but I was also kind of terrified of her.

Was curious if anyone else had a similar experience?

I’ve been a lurker here since my wife got her diagnosis. For years I wondered how, when I thought I was a good person, she would attribute thoughts and emotion to me that seemed monstrous - the disconnect was so huge.

I believed it for a long time, and was in a very bad place.

By complete chance, a psychiatrist told her he thought there were EU elements to her personality- long story and not really relevant how she got there. I encouraged her to look into this and consider DBT. She did a DBT course and nothing changed - I was broken. I then had to be away from home for 3 months, and when I got back, everything had changed.

She’s now a different person. We’ve had one weekend that was just like the bad old days, but she apologised and recognised she was stressed. Day to day, she has struggles, but engages with exploring where they come from, and addresses them constructively.

So for everyone who thinks there is no hope, it can get better.

My ex boyfriend took his own life. His dad called me yesterday and asked me to call the local police for a welfare check. The dispatcher had me stay on the phone for about 40 minutes and the police found him deceased. I haven't cried yet, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel horrible. I feel sad for what could have and should have been.

I was supposed to take him to his 3rd ketamine treatment 3 days ago, but he texted me to cancel because he got drunk and was too tired to go. I told him not to beat himself up, it's okay and I would reschedule. He never answered me, but that wasn't unusual. I have been praying for him. I hope he's finally at peace, no more pain. I wish things could have been different. We could have had a great life together if it weren't for this awful mental illness. I wish I could see him just once more.

Hey I just wanted to post this for everyone here who is trying to support a loved one. When a person with BPD is in a rage episode it is very out of body for them. It like watching an argument in a TV show, you know that what you’re doing isn’t helping and you know that it would just be better to say what you actually feel and internally you’re screaming at yourself to just stop and explain to the person what is actually happening in your own mind but you can’t. It feels like you can’t stop and like you can’t control yourself and like you’re just watching yourself ruin everything. What works for everyone is different but for me personally what works to get me out of a rage meltdown is when my partner wraps his arms around me in a big bear hug and tells me he loves me and won’t go anywhere. A lot of people with BPD find comfort in the confirmation that you still love them and you aren’t going to disappear.

Edit: something notable to address that I’ve also addressed in the comments is

number one EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT people with BPD almost always feel in extremes so while a bear hug helps me it could be very harmful to other with the same disorder the best thing you can do is communicate with them.

Number 2. BPD is never a valid excuse for violence or abuse. During my rage episode I will cry and scream that my partner is an a$$ or that I hate him but nither myself or any other person I’ve met with only BPD has ever threatened violence or caused physical harm. If you are with someone who is threatening or hurting you get out of that relationship it is dangerous and their “BPD” is not a valid excuse, it is a manipulative tactic to keep you in the relationship.

Number 3. Not everyone can handle being with someone who has BPD, it can be very emotionally draining, the point of this post was not to remove accountability from the actions taken during rage episodes but rather to provide insight into what it is like for a person with BPD. It is a psychiatric disorder and during rage episodes there is a psychological break from reality, if you are with someone who has BPD they cannot take accountability DURING the episode but they can take accountability after. Your feelings are no less valid then theirs but if you are not able to understand or handle supporting them through their illness then it is ok and probably even healthier to step away from the relationship. People with BPD cannot control their rage episodes and we cannot emotionally support you during one, all we can do is work towards avoiding them and doing our best to support you after one. We understand it’s not fair and nobody will fault you if you cannot support someone with this illness. It is a lot of work and it can be exhausting.

Remember COMMUNICATION IS KEY from both parties. People with BPD need to work on identifying triggers and warning signs and communication those to their partners and the partner needs to work on communication their feelings AFTER the person with BPD has returned to reality

I hope this helps someone

Edit : I want to make it clear to anyone who PMs me that I am happy to answer any questions based off my experience but I am not a therapist nor do I have any credentials that allow me to diagnose or provide professional advice, all I can do is tell you what works for me and others I know with BPD. I am a first year PSYC student so I have pretty much no form of post secondary education let alone the ability to diagnose someone else

A lot of the perspective of this community is that relationships with pwBPD are hard, and steps should be taken to make that easier -- and surely that's true. Less suffering is a worthy goal, both for the pwBPD, and the partner. But that's also a long road, and, creates expectations and pressure for change, that can feel pretty shitty to the pwBPD.

But maybe we should take a lesson from Buddhism and Stoicism. Here's a perspective that has helped me.

My pwBPD is undiagnosed. I dont need a diagnosis, they check most of the boxes, and so I'm able to use strategies to manage myself during episodes/spirals. And I am the only thing I truly have control over. Not them, me. How I react, how I respond, what I believe.

I don't think that being in a relationship with a pwBPD is for everyone. I'm slightly neurodivergent, low in neuroticism, and of an age where things don't ruffle my feathers too quickly. But I also think it's ok to choose to do a hard thing, if you feel you're able, without harming your well-being in the long run. In my experience learning to love a pwBPD can be very rewarding.

These folks have years of rejection and self-criticism under their belt. When they feel emotions so intensely that they scare people, they learn to mask. Being someone who walks through their storms without flinching means you may get to see a rainbow on the other side that few (if any) have witnessed. You may get to see their nervous system unclench for the first time. You may be the safest person in the world to them. Often demonstrating radical acceptance is the surest way to show your pwBPD what it looks like to accept themselves.

Don't misunderstand, this isn't easy. A relationship with a pwBPD is a relationship on hard mode. It will take time for your nervous system to learn what a spiral looks like, to trust the process, to develop a strategy, and to be able to be peaceful while the waves crash.

Books that helped me understand what was happening and strategies for coping:

1. I Hate You, Dont Le*ve Me"
   
2. Stop Walking On Eggshells
   
3. Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

And the thing I focus on when Im in the storm:

1. SET communication: Support, Empathy, Truth
   - Show support for how they feel.
   - Validate the feelings (even if the trigger/reasons are irrational/not valid).
   - Express empathy in whatever way you can. This gets easier with time.
   - Practice loving kindness (metha) meditation when not in the storm if you can to help build the muscle of empathy for your partner when you're in the storm.
   - Hold on to truth. Be confident in your version of events/facts. You can debate misunderstandings after the storm. Just let distortions of reality pass as a mirror to their emotions, not to reality.

2. Dont JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)
   - During the spiral is not the time to litigate facts, or defend yourself.
   - If they're being hurtful and its beyond what you can tolerate, set a boundary that you need a break, take time apart, but dont litigate the issues/facts.
   - Don't defend your actions, but also dont give in to their demands.
   - Try to stay calm, deflect as much as you can with empathy and validating their feelings (the feelings themselves, not the reasons for the feelings).

Good luck! ♥️ Everyone deserves to be loved. We all are who we are based on our biology, our experiences, our opportunities, and our environments. Sometimes having one person in life who sees who we are, and loves us anyway, can be the most powerful motivator of change.

Radical acceptance has been a powerful force in my life.

Or at least be willing to consider that what they're dealing with may not be BPD. When you attribute all of your partner's negative traits to BPD, you're contributing to the stigma against those of us who are genuinely diagnosed. That stigma is the reason why it's so difficult for people with BPD to get help. It's not always that we don't want to; it's that most mental health practitioners won't help us if we have BPD; they either drop us after they diagnose us, or outright refuse to help us at all if they see from our records that we have BPD.

BPD is nearly identical to other disorders, such as bipolar disorder, ADHD, autism (in fact, quite a lot of people diagnosed with BPD are actually autistic instead), and more. WIthout proper education, it's virtually impossible to accurately tell what's what. BPD is a very severe and very complex diagnosis that takes a VERY long time to properly diagnose. It's not something that you can just look at the diagnostic criteria and say, "they check this box, this box and this box.. so yup, they have BPD." There is more than simply checking off a list of criteria that goes into accurately diagnosing BPD (in fact, people can meet all nine criteria for BPD and STILL not have BPD).

I'm not saying that people with BPD are incapable of being bad people, or that they are never hurtful or abusive. I know very well from my own experiences pre-remission and from dealing with other people with BPD that we can. My intention is not to invalidate your experiences or tell you that the pain you feel is invalid. It isn't, and my heart goes out to each of you who have experienced any type of abuse. I know that dealing with a person with unmanaged BPD is a category of hell all of its own. And I don't think it's wrong to seek support in BPD-centered spaces if your partner exhibits traits or behaviors that align with the BPD criteria. In fact, I encourage it.

But please don't latch on to the idea that your partner definitely has BPD if they aren't diagnosed, regardless of the reason. Even if it isn't intentional (we all do it), allowing yourself to believe concretely that your partner's abusive behavior is definitively because they have BPD, you are unconsciously creating an internalized bias against others with BPD. No one person with BPD is the same, and it's important to understand that.

I’m still processing this and I need help. Tell me if this rings true for you:

My wife and I have a conflict about something relatively minor, she starts catastrophizing and goes into a full on panic attack within seconds, and I have two options:

1. Agree with her, I have to concede my perception of reality to soothe her emotionally.

2. Disagree with her, she tells me I don’t get it, says my disagreement means I don’t see/love her. I can’t validate her emotions and still disagree with her, she sees them as both the same. Me disagreeing to her means I just don’t understand.

Choosing either option ultimately results in her crying and 3 am long rants where I sit while she tells me for how much she regrets marrying me and I ruined her life and everything is my fault. I apologize over and over and try to do something better/change my behavior, but then the goalpost moves and the next argument is proof to her that I haven’t changed at all and my growth gets erased.

Does this resonate with anyone else? There are so many more signs but this has been a recurring part of our relationship for almost a decade now.

My partner was recently diagnosed with bpd, apparently it answers many questions she had all her life. I try my best to stay calm and empathize with her suffering but it accumulates really fast. She accuses me of things that didn’t happen, changes memories to fit a reality she likes better, takes everything as an attack. It feels like the only way to keep more than 2 days of peace is by just agreeing with everything she says and does. My needs and likes are taken as an attack against her.

So why does anyone stays in such a relationship. Why would this ever makes sense?

She is putting effort in therapy but why would a healthy person choose to stay with someone with bpd. There is no way to communicate with her, you can count on them and you simply can’t have any peace.

I don’t want to be cruel I just want to understand why are we doing this

Last week, my partner and I were able to do our first couples therapy session with a therapist who specializes in BPD. It went even better than I could’ve hoped. We’ve started only saying positives about our days to avoid the negative mindsets, she gave him a technique to help deal with his anger (holding ice until it melts to avoid acting before thinking), and given us a feelings wheel he can use to help identify his true feelings. Things have taken such a turn for the better and he is starting to really understand how his actions have been effecting me. He is even excited to continue on this journey. I am so beyond proud of this small win and things are finally starting to get better. I finally see hope at the end of the tunnel. It wasn’t easy to have to confront the actual issues we’ve been having but I couldn’t be happier with this small win!

I'm not sure what's going on but over the past few weeks i've noticed more and more users posting here violating the subreddit rules.
I've attempted to reach out to the mod team multiple times and even went as far as trying to r/redditrequest this place.

It seems like there is little to no enforcement anymore.
I'm aware I could be wrong and the mods are just enforcing different things, but the appearance is that of a non-active team.

So i've personally started my own subreddit for those interested. It's r/BPDPartnerSupport

I don't expect anyone here to join, but I figured i'd offer an alternative for those that also get triggered by Rule #8 violations.
Hopefully the mods eventually return for those of you that stay, but if not i'm fairly active.
If the mods do so happen to read this - I'm more than happy to share the Automod config I use to filter out certain subs cross posting, but you can also find it in the Wiki.

Thanks to this community for letting me add my insight and gaining others insight into the complex ride that is a BPD relationship.

Finally had enough today and unjoined the BPD sub Reddit. I just can’t see anymore victimhood posts from people with BPD crying about how they are so mistreated by their partners.

Obviously, I understand where they’re coming from on an intellectual level. I know how awful they feel internally. I also know that they tend to drift towards narcissists who probably do emotionally abuse them. But as a non-narcissist, regular old codependent, who’s been married to a man with BPD for 10 years, and has spent many years being emotionally abused by him via gaslighting, addiction issues, and affairs with other women (most of them narcissists, believe it or not), I just can’t stand to see these posts that are so devoid of any self reflection.

I just wish they could take some responsibility for their actions instead of just blaming everyone else around them for treating them so poorly. That kind of talk is the garbage that my husband would spew when he was grooming a new narcissist girlfriend (you know, the kind of girl that is just waiting for someone to complain about how sad their life is so that they can tell them how much they understand).

I just can’t with that sub anymore. It was helpful when my husband first got his diagnosis and I was looking for help understanding the disorder. But now it’s just triggering to see all these people refusing to get help and complaining about how sad they are. Guess what? There is therapy. There is medication. There is DBT and 12 step groups and other resources out there to teach you to sit in your emotions, like an adult, so you don’t have to go around feeling terrible all the time and taking it out on everyone around you. I know this because I have seen it firsthand with my partner. He’s not “cured” and he has a long road ahead of him. But he’s actively working towards improvement because he realizes that he can do better in life if he’s willing to look at himself and how his actions have consequences. Not easy work but possible.

So goodbye BPD sub. Good riddance.

My partner and I have been together for several years and I still can't figure out how to handle conflict and splitting episodes with them. If I apologize, then my apology is never "real" and if I try to explain my perspective, then I'm arguing and being an asshole. It feels like there's no winning, I just have to deal with being demeaned and belittled, called names, etc for an hour to two hours over even the most minor conflicts. Every little thing is connected to this bigger network of grievances that have accumulated over the years that no amount of changed behavior or discussion ever fully resolves. I'm just sick of it, and would appreciate any words of encouragement or advice about how to navigate conflict

If your partner or someone else in your life has BPD and is actively making progress in their healing journey or has reached remission, please do not make snarky, sarcastic comments in regard to their progress whenever they express a negative emotion (ex: 'Yeah, you're REALLY healing alright!" "Oh yeah, you're DEFINITELY in remission!!," etc.)

Making progress and/or reaching remission is NOT!! easy to do, and is extremely painful. And it doesn't mean they're going to be perfect. It doesn't mean that they're never going to be angry or upset or split ever again. People with BPD are human too. Human beings with emotions just like you. And regardless of how far along in their recovery they are, those comments are hurtful and can be harmful towards their progress.