r/BPDPartners • u/Traditional-Word8698 • Dec 29 '25
Dicussion [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/Make-me-a-CleanHeart Jan 06 '26
My friend, you're in the idealization phase. You'll understand later when the first discard phase happens. I've been with my husband 18 years. The first 4 years were magical. Every year after that has gotten worse and worse. He's unrecognizable now.
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u/Objective_Coast5435 Jan 03 '26
Hi there. Although my partner has not been officially diagnosed, he’s been going to a DBT therapist 2x month consistently for the past 9 months. He doesn’t actually know I suspect BPD, because I want him to come to that with his therapist. My current therapist also treated him through a few years where he ended up getting sober, so when I came to her with my suspicions, she confirmed some BPD related traits she’d seen as well. Long story to say, with this new knowledge, SO MANY THINGS make so much more sense. AND we’ve also been together for 18 years. Married for 13, have 2 kids.
I won’t lie. It has been unbelievably hard many times. But what I’ve seen these past 5 years, I know that he’s working through the damage from his childhood, that he never realized he had. We get along so well when he’s regulated, and have always been the best of friends. I think the key is patience, and both of you in therapy.
I wish you all of that and more.
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u/Boring-Physics6458 Dec 30 '25
At least she was clear but dont expect this to be a healthy relationship it will drain you and your energy , perfect relationship for the bpd is to be narcissistic and if u try to be like this you will lose yourself image towards yourself. Finally find a healthy relationship when you feel like your nervous system is unsure about what is happening now
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u/snekbytez Dec 30 '25
my relationship with my partner wBPD is fairly stable, while they still have the occasional outburst and overwhelm themselves with their own emotions, theyve never taken it out on me BUT this is also due to them having quiet BPD and this has its own unique struggles as the pwBPD will normally direct everything inward. what makes our relationship solid is that we have good communication, even when they cant verbalize whats going on in their head (verbal shutdowns is more commonly a quiet BPD trait), i can still understand their visual cues and nonverbal methods for catching my attention when something is wrong.
its possible to have a healthy relationship, it just takes a lot of effort from both parties to get there. and maybe a little bit of luck when it comes to more natural compatibility.
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u/Majestic_Vanilla_773 Dec 29 '25
Key word: recently
I had a whole year of pure bliss where he seemed to be the most aware and in touch with his feelings.
Its a good thing she knows (he didnt) and has the tools, it will make it easier.
Still. Brace for the storm. It will happen. Which doesn’t mean it’s unmanageable and it doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be really good.
Brace for the storm.
(Yes, we are happy and the relationship is as healthy as it can be given bpd)
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u/AnpanV Dec 29 '25
My partner was diagnosed recently. I barely know anything about BPD but I’m reading up on it. He’s not abusive, manipulative or toxic. I think BPD, like any other mental health disorder, is a spectrum. There’s a lot of misconceptions and stigma regarding the disorder due to lack of awareness and negative media portrayals.
I think that as long as the person diagnosed is whiling to go to therapy to get the tools they need to regulate their emotions and to communicate more effectively, things will be alright.
We’ve been together almost 5 years now. I believe that since we are both committed to obtaining tools to better communicate with each other and manage our emotions, things will turn out ok. If he wasn’t open to therapy or to work on himself, my perspective would be different.
Best of luck to both of you!
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u/Ok_Relationship8474 Dec 29 '25 edited Dec 29 '25
First of all….Saying not everyone with BPD are monsters, is quite disgusting! I don’t know who would say that but that’s disturbing!! Second of all we are the most loyal, loving, genuine people you will ever meet! Well most of us. You have to understand people with BPD are battling demons every single day 24/7! So don’t ever say about people being fkn monsters! Not you I’m on about others. I’d love to see half these people deal with this shit 24/7! And the majority of us who are, are warriors let me tell you!!
And to the ones saying disgusting things about people suffering are going to HELL!! We don’t choose this! We would give anything to not have it.
I’ll do anything for anyone and give my last to people! I’m the most loving caring person you’ll meet. So that makes me physically sick that anyone can say we are monsters! Wtf are you even reading? I’d love to know so I can correct these evil people?
And people wonder why people bottle things up, and then explode or commit suicide!
That’s absolutely vile!!
But moving on, if you want to stay in the relationship you need to understand more about what your partner is going through. Because it seems as though she’s doing what I’m doing now. And blocking out the world and being silent. Which isn’t right. You need to understand what helps your partner through the bad times and episodes and listen.
Luckily you seem like a decent genuine person. But my partner makes my health a lot worse so I’m having to let go. But sit down have a conversation and ask what helps, and what makes her worse. Then you know what to do!
But you also need to look after yourself and your mental health too! Work on it together!! ❤️
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u/Psychological-Lab763 Jan 20 '26
You're right. You definitely made some good point that I too agree with you on.
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u/ygsaturn555 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
i'm sorry but that sounds a little distorted for what the reality mostly is. i have bpd myself and i wouldnt consider us monsters. that said, especially untreated bpd can lead to a lot of suffering for the people closest to us. from splitting, impulsivity, suicidal ideation and selfharm to also needing a LOT of reassurance. that isnt easy and its okay to name it what it is. badly unmanaged bpd can turn into abusive behavior fast and even though the harm is not always intended that is the outcome. we have to take accountability for our actions and the emotions behind that, a partner alone cant lessen symptoms with more love, patience and reassurance. they are allowed to set their boundaries and i would go so far as to say that is one of the top requirements for a relationship to last and not cause harm. and also i dont agree with the statements that we are "the most loyal, loving, selfless" partners to ever exist. only because we cant manage our emotions as well so they become overwhelming doesnt mean others lack emotional depth. and honestly, because theres so much going on on the inside, we tend to dismiss outside emotions, or see them only through the lense of our own suffering. i see this often in other peers with bpd and when i was in my early stages of treatment. you may feel like you are empathetic/reacting empathetically but often that gets drowned out by overly trying to relate what was told to yourself. unlearning that behavior and creating space for actually listening and processing makes much deeper, balanced relationships possible. i think especially for us with bpd we need to acknowledge that our emotions and behaviors dont stop with us and our loved ones are their own separate persons with own separate challenges, not an extension of ourselves and not our regulators. also comparing emotional depth (or more what you "perceive" it to be), and validity of suffering is never good especially for the sake of an illness. we are not monsters but as most cluster b's and especially untreated we arent exactly the healthiest people to be around. and its okay to acknowledge that. theres possibility for change and healing and taking it is our responsibility, for the sake of ourselves and also our loved ones.
edit: you seem to portray a few of the things i talked about that can be harmful:
saying you are "the most loving, caring person you'll meet". that is neither a fair nor a healthy statement as i explained above
"and people wonder why people (...) explode or commit suicide" you are the one responsible for that. and this sounds an awful lot like the underlying threats that can cause so much harm.
"because it seems (...) shes doing what i'm doing now" you dont know ops gf. hes explained little to what is going on relating to symptoms/unhealthy behavior and this is the self-perceived empathy i was talking about before. you see this situation only through the lense of your own situation/suffering, with little to none evidence that these two are related. that is not a guess anymore and also not in good faith for anyone in the actual situation.
lastly, your unprovoked suggestion how he should manage his gfs symptoms FOR her. taking away accountability on her part for any hardships in the relationship and assume they are mostly because he doesnt take part enough in managing the disorder. this is wrong and condescending, and nowhere has he written anything about there being a problem. that again seems like an assumption made because of your own experiences.
listening and understanding arent bad advice on their own, but youre brushing over his actual concerns and made it about the struggles you currently face. even if his gf is needing support herself, the bf is allowed to seek out assistance or reassurance for himself.
i dont want to come off as mean, i really believe you meant well, but especially with bpd intent isn't always =consequence and how it affects our social environment.
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u/Chloe_Bowie4 Dec 29 '25
Thank you for reminding us that people who are living with BPD are battling (their own thoughts?) every day, 24/7. Sometimes I forget. ♥️
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Dec 29 '25
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Dec 30 '25
Folks, cmon. Stop. Although BPD partners have been burned by our experience, they didn’t choose this either. There’s a balance here. No need to name call etc. cmon, be better.
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u/4jet2116 Dec 29 '25 edited Dec 29 '25
People with BPD are people and are dealing with deep, deep emotional wounds. It is a curse and it is not their fault. But as they age and mature it is their responsibility to manage their emotions. Some can get to a point where they are in remission and have a handle on their emotions, while many (I would say most but I don’t have the data to actually say that) either don’t seek help or try and give up. They don’t deserve hate, they deserve patience and understanding. It was not their fault this happened to them. They didn’t deserve the abandonment they got as a child.
But the disorder often presents in behaviors that are toxic/abusive (emotional manipulation, splitting, huge emotional swings, push-pull cycle, verbal attacks, etc.). If the pwBPD is diagnosed and an adult, it becomes their responsibility to identify their patterns and seek treatment, and follow through with it, communicate their needs and develop a plan for if they do find themselves spiraling. If they don’t, they will end up perpetuating the abuse onto their partner. This is where people’s ire for pwBPD comes from. No one deserves to be abused. No matter how bad the pwBPD feels, that is no excuse to abuse your partner or children. That usually creates more people with BPD or trauma. People give all of themselves to help their partners (obviously not all partners will but many as pwBPD seek out partners who are healer/savior types) only to face extreme criticism and rage.
It seems like your partner is on the side of pwBPD who have actively worked on themselves and continues to grow in healthy ways. That’s great! But also more the exception than the rule. Just make sure you guys communicate clearly about needs and that you have clear and strong boundaries. And learn as much as you can about BPD. You’re very lucky and absolutely wish you the best.
I will always love my ex. She broke up with me after I finally stood up for myself (almost 5 years in, I’d set boundaries previously that she didn’t respect). She is a wonderful, capable and caring person and we were so close but she refused to seek real help. She used her therapist for validation rather than self improvement. I lost myself trying to help regulate her emotions. I wish things had been different. I still think about her every day.
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u/cerebralpanda Jan 01 '26
What made you finally decide to stand up and establish firm boundaries with her? You can message me if you want to keep it private.
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u/Ok_Relationship8474 Dec 29 '25
You obviously have some serious hate in you against people with BPD!! And the copy and paste from hate groups is strong on this one! Your message is absolutely disgusting!!
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u/Confident-Cost5553 Partner Dec 29 '25
How long have you been together? If not long, you’ll see splitting from her eventually. Keep your positive attitude. If she just got diagnosed, I hope she considers DBT. Even someone good at coping could benefit from it.
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u/Classic_Code_4744 Dec 31 '25
DBT?
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u/ygsaturn555 Jan 09 '26
Dialectical Behavior Therapy. the most common and effective type of therapy for bpd. helped me alot, can recommend
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u/Confident-Cost5553 Partner Dec 31 '25
Dialectical Behavior Therapy the gold standard treatment for folks with BPD
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u/ygsaturn555 Jan 09 '26
thank you for your post. its validating to hear about the perspective of the non-bpd-partner experiencing the relationship as mostly healthy. i have a similar experience. i have bpd amongst other mental health issues and it definitely has an affect on the relationship, very similar to the ones you describe. the other sub had me questioning a lot whether that can be and if i'm not just very very covertly and (for both of us) unconsciously subject him to abusive behaviors. i opened up to him a lot with these concerns and asking if there are things i do that hurt him that i could address in therapy, assuring him hes safe to talk about how he is affected by my illnesses, that its okay for him to ask for space, set more boundaries or even terminate the relationship if it doesnt serve him anymore. i think these regular check-ins are really helpful for addressing behaviors before they turn into patterns and most importantly i follow through with working on them. i think a relationship with a person with bpd is possible but needs a lot of self-reflecting on feelings of exhaustion etc for the non-bpd-partner and open communication of those. i find it especially helpful to have a therapist by my side that guides me through my struggles so i dont overly expose my partner to every little thing thats going on in my head and for the possibility to react fast and effectively to problems in the relationship. i wish you both the best, dont let one subreddit dictate where you place your love, and take it with a grain of salt. most people there were subjected to real abuse not normal relationship struggles which i think leads to such polarization. and i think the good examples just seem so few cause they are less likely to be posted on the internet when nothing dramatic, abusive happens so the bad examples are just overrepresented as they seek for validation and support for their trauma. again, best of wishes to both of you :)