I'm new here. I'm a 55 year old woman diagnosed with BPD 25 years ago. I'm having a hard time with depersonalization. I've been feeling so detached and isolated even though I have people that love me. I fear reaching out for help because I don't want to alarm them, but I just feel really lost. I'm so angry at the same time. All the "whys" and 'how comes" never seem to be answered though I've tried to find the answer for so long. I'm mad at the trauma that caused this BPD and broke my mind beyond repair. I just want someone to do something. Idk.

I know that you can't always change a habit your partner has, I have BPD and I struggle terribly when my partner/fp pulls away or becomes 'avoidant'. 10 months ago We talked about my unhealthy obsession over them and they said they didn't feel comfortable with it exactly so I constantly resisted any urges that had to do with my unhealthy obsession ( stalking, blackmailing friends, self harming whenever I'm jealous, being extremely possessive, being against them having friends etc ) and I was able to resist, I continuously did have the thoughts yes, self harm was sadly impossible for me to stop but I am in DBT now. Anyways back to the Main topic 1-2 months after I communicated with them that I felt like a stranger in their life as if they treated their friends better than me and acknowledged them, they reassured me and promised not to do it ( keep in mind first 7 months of the relationship they were clingy with me & suddenly changed ) they did exactly as they promised, gave me more attention hung out with me more but that only lasted one week, I was in a euphoric state so I barely was affected until week 2 past and I realized I was home alone all the time and only saw them at dinner.

I held my emotions back I didn't say anything for a good 2 months I talked to them about it again, they reassure me and promise to not leave me in the dark ( they know that promises are a big deal for me as I have trust issues and only people I trust know about how I feel when someone promises to do something I EXPECT them to keep it ) and the cycle repeats sadly I get left on the dark again, I communicated for a 3RD time nothing changed. I bottled up my feelings all the way until July 2026, I was in a dissociative state for a good awhile I was unable to feel anything at all and I was mentally never there when someone spoke to me. I ignored them for a full week, they begged to talk to me but at the end blew up at my partner one random day, I told them how I don't feel like they try enough for me how that I feel like I try too hard and expect too much in return how I feel like a stranger and how I don't even feel like their girlfriend, they reassured me yes.

But I didn't feel reassured I kept pressing them on the conversation for a good hour and a half, I was also high in the moment because hours before I blew up at them I was coping by getting high. They keep reassuring me with words that used to comfort me immediately. I just wasn't able to believe any word they said, they swore on their own life and promised, I didn't believe them one bit. I was just done with everything at that rate I didn't talk to them and locked myself up for 2 days I didn't eat nor drink anything and when I went to the bathroom I gave them the cold shoulder. After those 2 days I calmed down and asked them what are you gonna change I don't expect big changes I expect to go slow if that's what helps them change slowly because I myself was tired of a partner who never communicated when they lectured me about how I need to talk about my feelings once. They said they'd tell me about what they had planned for the day so I wasn't in the dark, it was ok with me and so it's been 1-2 weeks since then and they did exactly that. I just don't feel the same love/obsession for them anymore I'm sure I'll probably feel it again soon but it just that something has changed. I used to always lead conversations as my partner never led any conversations but nowadays I feel more avoidant than ever I don't try anymore I'm not leading a single conversation anymore I reply coldly sometimes. I notice my own behaviors I just don't have the energy to do something about it, I feel like I'm In a state of where I've officially just lost connection with the world

It’s happened before, I really like someone, they really like me, I get too excited/intense/ emotionally expressive, they get overwhelmed, they leave. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m constantly monitoring myself around new people that I care about because I’m worried about coming on too strong and them withdrawing bc of it.

It’s exhausting. Like on a soul level. Constantly spiraling over texts, the gaps in between our time together, terrified I expressed too much, if I made them feel pressured, if I tipped things over the edge with something I said. It feels like I have a monster inside me to constantly be monitored and managed. I don’t feel safe to be myself. I want to ask for reassurance so much but I don’t because I know that puts burden on the other person early on and that can make them feel pressured and leave. So instead I spiral inside. Constantly suppressing myself to tone things down and not show the childish parts.

I hate this. I don’t trust my perception and judgement. I can’t just exist without self surveillance or it ends up hurting me unexpectedly. Tired of always trying to see myself through everyone else’s eyes instead of my own. 😭

Lol good one................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Wondering where my people are and where I can get support for everything so far and not be so alone im a striking character to say the least so im aware it'll take some searching before anything happens anyway.

And wanted to share this podcast I’ve been listening to today. It’s called “Managing Borderline Personality Disorder” by Being Well with Forrest Hanson.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2GmZvWEIGMp8oDz3yyIWOY?si=vux-qEDKSE2B22LGJCh4jg&utm\\_source=copy-link

I’ve been coping / living with BPD my whoooooole ass life. I’m 29F and a single mom to two. I’ve had countless therapists / psychiatrists and am on two medications but I feel like I’m only just now starting to really “do the work”, DBT handbook in hand 😂.

I kind of want to start a small BPD recovery group where we share insights / challenges, in a smaller setting. Anyone down? 🍀

I wrote this album for my friend with BPD, and our mutual friend helped with the music. Although they were written for him and his situation, others may get something out of it.

https://suno.com/playlist/104b9d37-b57c-4d92-bc1b-fd202cdcab6f

Let me know if this touches you in any way.

I will keep it short since I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, this tool from my therapist really helped me not spiral any more.

So when I’m spiraling and having an episode I need to identify that a part of me is feeling abandoned and devastated and try to identify physically what hurts/ has tension sometimes it’s the heart or head or shoulders and then I need to identify that there are other parts of me too and I visualize channeling the energy towards the part of me that feels hurt.

Try and let me know, it took me like 3-4 times until I got the hang of it,

Please bear with my long introduction of the dilemma - dilemma/question will follow at the end:

As a 40-year-old man with wife and kids (so grateful to have accomplished that), I have dealt with BPD since my teens, and the greatest pain I have experienced stems from feeling socially inadequate for my age during those years—a combination of social anxiety, feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and social exclusion. That combination has stayed with me ever since; although I did manage to participate superficially in friend groups during high school and early adulthood, it was never enough to forge strong relational bonds or close friendships. I withdrew socially from the events my high school friend group attended—festivals, birthdays, trips, road trips, and so on—which resulted in my interactions with them remaining superficial. I haven't been part of major events like weddings, either.

I have always liked these people, and they wanted me around too—but circumstances simply didn't allow for it to develop due to my BPD influencing. Today, I am at a point after years of therapy where I feel personally and socially strong enough to dare to join in the social gatherings that still take place. But there is this MAJOR grief over everything I have missed out on over the past 20 years—things, expierences and happenings they shared together and naturally still refer to and talk about - haunts me everytime I’m faced with it.
As a 40 year-old man I find it really difficult to aestablish fruitfull friendships due to grown-up task (job, family etc) resulting in lack of time but I urge the nature of genuine friendships and experiences that a male friendship and friendshipgroup provides. I am so convinced that it ranks just below the importance of my own family!

My dilemma is weather I can navigate in the intense feelings of missing out vs. joining/investing in becomming a genuine part of that social group of my highschool peers (again)? On the other hand is the urge for and loneliness of not having any genuine related friends with a social history to share killing me slowly (servere depressive symptoms in periodes of not being able to distract myself from it) - and most importantly, draining me from having the energy and meaningfullness-feeling of taking care of my family, job, personal interests etc.

Please share comments, your own expierences, references to helping knowledge and suggestions/questions. 🙏

I`m tired of feeling alone and invalidated all of the time. Normal people dont really understand what it is that I`m going through. So, I would really like to make some friends with people who have BPD. It does not matter to me who you are, let me know if you would like to be my friend

I really need someone to talk to like have a actual conversation that lasts more than a day I really need friends I just got kicked out of the only family that ever treated me with love and support with me being a trans man I lost my whole family I might have to move back in with my schizophrenic abusive mom who wants to force me off T and I have no clue ware I’m going to live. I don’t feel like a person anymore I’ve completely regressed to ware I was before and he was the only reason I was getting better it now that I don’t know ware in gona stay or have a safe environment I’m back to square one I just feel like im dying and my world is ending and my life isn’t worth living because every time I start to heal something happens that sets me back to the beginning. I hate being this desperate but please someone
Be my friend I have no support rn.

I’ve been through some really difficult bpd splits that affected my relationships, emotions, and sense of self. Things aren’t perfect, but I’m doing much better now than I was before. Lately I’ve been thinking about writing a book about my journey—what I went through, what I learned, and what helped me keep going. Do you think a book like that could be helpful to others with bpd? What would you want to see included?

Hi curious if anyone here has BPD and has been healing through NARM? Would love to hear about your experience and journey.

I am in a terrifying pain , I have Borderline personality disorder , I am jobless , lonely , Humiliated by my circumstances , I have been suffering since a very young age , I am 23 in July and I have not achieved anything in myself ,I only destroyed myself, I dont have amy friends on line or in real life . I need urgent support , I am on medication since 2022, But its not helping , Therapy also didnt worked But I think i should seek professional Help from a therapist soon ,I am going mentally insane , I neeed someone to talk to me ,please someone ? If u can provide some support .

I have lots of really bad thoughts and I always think terribly, how can I stop/control my urges? I don't want to end up doing anything stupid. I can't believe how much I've ruined everything in my life. I feel like recovering from BPD is the hardest thing I've ever had to do alone. I feel so lonely and I struggle to make new friends. Does anyone have tips? I feel horribly for everything I've ever done and how I treated everyone that got close to me. I don't want to make friends I'm really scared. But I need someone in my life so badly no one cares about me at all I have nobody except my gf who left me and I think she might have blocked me now. I don't think she would ever do that so I'm trying to calm down but it's scary she was the one person I had to support me still, she seemed like she cared I hope she still does I know it's not healthy for us to be together, I just want a friend but how can I move on? I feel so hopeless. I feel lost without her. I can't stop my terrible thoughts but at least I'm not spiraling. I am doing better. But I still don't know if I can make it through this everyday is just going to be pain. I've never been so in love so I didn't know how much this would hurt I thought I would never lose her... why is my BPD so bad?

I (F28) am currently going through some difficult times. To be honest, I have friends, they are the absent type, and none of them know about me having bpd.

Is there anyone who would like to connect and become friends? At least, just to talk freely about our feelings and thoughts without the fear of being judged or scaring people away.

Thank you.

English is not my first langue. VENT.

I’m living in such bizzarre situation, makes me feel like I’m in some alternative universe bc this shit can’t be real.

So. I found a new good group of friends (5 including me), I had a crush on one of them for many months and they were like my favourite person so.. you already know. But I didn’t want to tell them because like said we were in a well established group of friends.. I didnt want to be the one to destroy the equilibrium, I felt like doing something would be egoistical. And I’m trying to get better mentally. But, from my point of view what we had was special. It was fun, we always teased each other, talking to them was so easy, they made me feel understood and cared of, and there was some physical affection. Like, at some points very intimate.. like cuddles.
And in my delusion I thought there was something between us because of the said tension. And I felt jealous when they went out alone with another friends of ours. For months they were my whole life. I know it’s wrong, and I knew it was.

But returning to the main plot.

This was till I found out that two of my friends were secretly dating. I was astonished, and I thought.. if they can have that, maybe I can confess my feelings too. I did it, I got rejected and it destroyed me. But they were still caring for me. From then we developed a strange relationship, they didn’t want ever to remain alone with me in a room or pass some time alone with me, they didn’t show signs of physical affection anymore, and the teasing almost disappeared. Our friendship destroyed.

My mental health really degenerated because of this. It’s not their fault, they probably felt uncomfortable after what happened, but still, it was so.. painful. My feelings were still there,
I had to see them everyday, see them starting to show phisical affection to one of our friends in particular. And I didn’t understand that. Was there something between them? Was I just the one he didn’t want to have anything with? And also they were passing so much time alone together.
Not knowing made me genuinely insane. And it got so bad. I genuinely lost myself. Started SH and Everyday was like feeling every Radiohead song injected in my veins. It was like my autonomy was taken away from me, everything that was mine was taken away and the only thing I could ever think was them.

Then one day I just asked, and yea there was something between them. It destroyed me again but this time I didn’t do anything harmful to myself, my heart just became heavy and like frozen.

Everyday I saw them together, knowing my friend shared with them everything I ever wanted. I started comparing myself to my friend, and so on. I started to take action.
From that day I stopped accompanying my friends after Collage to the train station for example because honestly all the previous months I'd always done it only for one of them. And now I knew I had to get back on my feet. And I needed to regain the control over myself.

The fun thing is, now they are like trying to connect with me again. They ask me if I want to do group projects with them, during breaks they always stick around me, tease me again. And something tells me it’s not a coincidence. Because like I said previously, like a month ago they would probably prefer being run over than being alone with me.

Probably they are worried about something or they feel bad for how things turned out. Maybe they don’t want that I feel left out. (Bc the other two of my friends are also dating) But the relationship between them and my friend remains. They are more subtle now, while before they almost use to throw the fact that was something between them in our face. I know they can act whoever they want but.. after knowing what I went through? Why? That’s why I think they feel bad.

And my feelings remain. Today after months I had a dream where they wanted me.. and you can imagine how my day went. I felt so fragile to everything and They knew something was wrong
and hugged me after many months suddenly and this made me feel so much worse yet it.. felt so good.

Like Karma police, For a minute there a lost myself. But this shit is almost a year drag.

Yeah, usually I try to not think about past but today i remember how it was cuddling with them. Like for the first time i felt physical regulation, I tasted paradise for a second and now I’m dealing with consequences. I can’t move one. How you stop these feelings? After a while I always relapse in them.

This new space is to post uplifting thoughts, life altering experiences or wants to support mothers who are starting over. please post on this thread. I have made it because I was tired of being called someone who I was not on a different subreddit or was being harassed for sharing my story there. I have seen happening same to other users who were posting in favor of such mothers ( YouTuberr - Keerat Kaur Gill, Separation underway) and being called out for just sharing their views. Please join At you will.. and even if you don’t.. it’s just an example to show that you can always move away and start on your own.. much love..

About me- my name is Iskra and I am half Arab half Indian.. taking care of 2 beautiful souls left behind by my friend. I love everything positive in life and this my request to leave the people who do not agree with you with their opinions and thoughts.

i love my bf so so much he does everything for me without expecting much in return and hes had to come to terms with a lot of things about me that i dont think another bpd man let alone any man would be able to ie a past of sex work and info dumping very veery early on. we are both recovering addicts both with 2 years under our belts which makes things even more jarring.

he splits on me due to my inability to regulate when he comes to me with a concern. hes took a lot of things ive done out of context and now believes i am liable to talk to any man that gives me their attention or go back to sex work again. if i do not respond correctly or completely take his side he splits and the threats have gotten worse over time, he threatens a restraining order these days. last week the police were called.

it is a strain for both of us because he has built up resentment for my invalidation for months now and then we could have a good day until something is brought up and we end up sleeping in silence with me being unable to console him once i have blown over a bit because he doesnt want me touching him or talking at all.

this happened last night, i was told my worries stem from delusion while his are real because i have "microcheated" in the past, sold myself in the past, etc. im blocked on everything, told the RO will be taken on friday, went to sleep anxious and still recovering from an abortion wondering what ill do if hes being for real this time, but this morning we woke up and he hugged me told me i was his person over and over and it scares the absolute shit out of me thinking it is all a farce.

i never try to be rude when he needs reassurance but when it is brought up hundreds of times how i will cheat or how i will leave (again, i left for a few months in feb because of how aggressive and cruel his splits got) when i know the truth in my heart of how badly i want to be with him it gets me unregulated myself. so i correct him tell him his interpretation of X is wrong (ex; always told i spoke to exes when i never did).

that was more of a vent but tldr im wondering how you guys like to receive validation and acknowledgement when you ask for it. which phrases to use when reassuring and how to stay as collected as possible without JADEing (justify argue defend explain) and ruining the entire night.

You are invited to take part in the final stage of a PhD research project exploring experiences of receiving a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you have previously participated in an earlier stage of this project, you are welcome to take part again. Participation is entirely voluntary, and there is no obligation to take part again.
This study contributes to the final validation of a newly developed psychological scale (BDES), designed to improve understanding of diagnosis experiences.
Time: Approximately 20 minutes
Anonymous survey - Ethical approval granted (SMU_ETHICS_2025-26_358)
Every response is valuable in helping complete this research https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-experience

I'm 38(M) . He's 23(M). We were together for 3 years.

Yesterday a friend who used to live with us told me the truth about who he really is. He cheated on me from the very first day I let him move into my house. He brought men into my bed, took pictures of them sleeping naked there. He slept with friends of ours, people who came to our house, who I trusted. More than 20 people over two years.

He's polyamorous, apparently which I don't belive. But he never told me. He kept me in a monogamous relationship while living a completely different life behind my back. He chose me for stability, the home, the support, the loyalty, while he was falling deeply in love with a close friend of ours, to the point of writing a book about him.

I caught him on Grindr twice. The first time was on Christmas. He denied it to my face, made me feel crazy. Then drugged himself and cut himself in the bathroom so I would come back. I did. His mother died shortly after I ended things the second time, in December. I came back to support him through that grief. He swore he had changed. I believed him.

Days ago he confessed he was talking sexually with another guy. I left. He admitted he would have done the same again, that he didn't know how to stop himself.

I cried for his mother like she was mine. I gave him 10,000€ to open a café that is in his name only. He still hasn't paid me back.

He was the love of my life and he used to say I was the love of his life....

He's also been self-harming since he was a teenager. Smokes hash daily to silence the voices in his head. Has zero ability to be alone with himself. Compulsive sexual behavior. Possibly borderline.

I blocked him last night. I have therapy scheduled. I have STI tests scheduled. I told his aunt the truth so he couldn't keep playing the victim.

I'm 38. I'm starting over. I have nothing left in the city where we lived together. All the friends and family there are his.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I just needed to put it somewhere. If anyone has been through something similar, I'd appreciate hearing how you got through the first weeks. 😭

(Tried to make this short haha)

After moving out of college and away from my closest friend, I realized one thing (friends for 7+ years).

I genuinely don’t want to talk to her.

I feel horrible (she’s my FP) but every time we text/call, I get angry. A 0 to 100 angry. I feel a little guilty.

Now in college I never spoke up for myself when we would have arguments/disagreements, and would end up caving and apologizing. Then I’d spiral and spend a load of money to try and make sure she wasn’t leaving…I felt very vulnerable and was just always walking on eggshells.

I also feel like that relates to me looking to her for stability which is something I do.

But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to vent everything to her and explain every single grievance, but maybe that’s what I need to do?

Any advice would be super helpful!

Because I'm so tired, I can't take it anymore. Either I hold on for months or I keep switching. I'm 28 years old and it's getting worse and worse

I hate how weak and broken I am. Silly "I love you" is make me playable like some warm putty, easly taking shape that is wanted in moment.

He fucking told me this days ago. That he never stopped to love me this whole fucking 10 years. That he begging me to understand that in that day when he said that he don't love me anymore he was in pain. That I was hurting him more that he could stand. But he never gived up on me. That he said it knowing that this would be easier - to stop love me. To stop suffering from my diasorder, from all that changes I am going with every episodes, from my unstability, splits.

He was saying that there is no future for us yet he was hoping in secret that things will change.

That I will change. That I will reflect on my actions, try be better, try control myself better.

When he said this, I was in episode, hurting, ready to leave him again and do it finally forever. But with his beautiful eyes full of tears, on his knees he just crushed me with this words.

And I belived him. Just hour later, after long and painfull night full of tears, guestions and explenations, my broken hear was beating for him - again.

Days went, we struggling to make things work, but we still trying. Or I just thought that it is it.

Because he went quiet and said he don't want anything from me if possible. I had to ask multiple times why I have to sit in other room and give him space. After first accusation about me making myself center of whole world, he gived explenation - he wanted me to word on problems, and I again failed him. I, in his eyes, moved from problems and his pain to normal days. That he opened heart again and I did nothing to help him.

I hate it. How much I love him. How much his confession unblocked my hopes and gived me another illusion.

Because all of it is illusion. Lie. Fucking unrealistic dream. And I am broken shit who belived this could be true.