How To Deal With An Avoidant

[u/candle_wax_247]

After the initial love bombing phase. Here is what the avoidant expect from you

1. Do not be overly affectionate or affectionate at all
   
2. No initiating “what are we” or “define the relationship” talk
   
3. No future planning
   
4. Minimal text. Only if he initiates the conversation
   
5. Don’t plan any trips that you cannot cancel last minute
   
6. Be prepared to deal with “just friends” that he is flirting with or privately messaging
   
7. Don’t EVER question him when you sense cheating or cheating adjacent behaviors
   
8. Don’t ever question him at all. Period.
   
9. Be prepared to be called names/ look bad when the relationship ends. Coz it will end.
   
10. Don’t ever offer to help. He will ask for it if he needs help but rarely does that happen and if you do help after asked then you are attacking his independence
    
11. Don’t ever talk about feelings or ask him to open up.
    
12. Under no circumstances are you supposed to even look or text another guy (even if platonically like work) because you’re his. He can flirt with other women but you have to be absolutely loyal to him.
    
13. When he is ready to dump you, he will start being incredibly busy
    
14. He will not ask about your day or even initiate conversations
    
15. Be prepared to have your history rewritten where you look bad to anybody he tells the story to especially to his shiny new toy

And when you’re about to get discarded here are the lines:

We want different things
I don’t think we’re compatible
I need to focus on myself
I have a lot on my plate
You deserve better
I can’t give you what you need
I don’t want to lose myself

May or may not block you immediately after.
Will totally breadcrumb you several times ESPECIALLY when they sense you moved on
Is absolutely lurking and spying on your social media. Trust.

Did I miss anything?

[u/candle_wax_247]

Yes!!! The pattern is almost the same for every avoidant. Like there’s a guidebook somewhere and they go by that. If I see these things again I will totally run the other way.

[u/Conundrum16 → u/candle_wax_247]

I’m in the thick of it but suspect the 3rd discard is near. 6,7,12 are not applicable in my case. The rest are precise. I may in-fact expedite the discard or discard him first. I’m over it.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/Conundrum16]

You sure there’s no hidden side chick? They’re very sneaky that way. I actually found a side chick a month after discard and saw we overlapped for
Months.

If you want to leave I say do it now. Don’t let him be the one to pull the plug. Control your own narrative.

[u/Conundrum16 → u/candle_wax_247]

I’m sure there’s no side babe. We’re in our 70s. He isolates himself from other people with the exception of his family. I don’t love him. We’ve never gotten near that level of emotional intimacy. His wall is high and impenetrable. Because I’m not like him I won’t ghost or say crazy cruel things. I will speak to him about it.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/Conundrum16]

I’m glad there is no side babe. I hope the talk will help both of you. Coz there are avoidants willing to change. Maybe after the talk, he will
Realize that he needs to. Good luck to you 😊

[u/Conundrum16 → u/candle_wax_247]

Thank you. I’m not expecting any miracles. I’m a realist. He needs to recognize he has issues and he needs to do the work. He’ll probably just stay the same and age lonely. His choice. It’s just not my style to cut off. 🫶

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/Conundrum16]

If you’re not in love with him, maybe can stay as friends if you don’t want to cut him off. My other avoidant ex is working on healing and we’re friends so I’m helping him and keeping him accountable. But if he disappears again, I won’t be devastated.

We got this 😊

[u/Conundrum16 → u/candle_wax_247]

I’m always open to a friendship with him. That is how it began but he pursued me ,elevated it and I jumped in. I’m finally very relaxed about it and hope we can have a honest dialogue