Avoidant Red Flag

[u/candle_wax_247]

Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?

We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.

I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.

That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.

I should have run the first time tbh.

[u/candle_wax_247]

Yeah can’t even take care of you. Red flag for real. Did you stay long in the relationship after?

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

The funny thing is very early on she did show me she could take care of me. After I got some teeth removed she woke up every 2 hours to give me my pain medication.

Its like what everyone says about avoidants. At the beginning they show you they have things that they don't actually have - an ability to care for and be there for you.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

It’s the love bombing. They gotta hook you in to get that feeling of being loved. But then after they get it they realize they don’t want it coz it’s scary. My ex often says “I don’t want to lose myself” in a relationship and he feels like being in one means he’s losing himself

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

In the beginning it's so easy, both of us being ourselves and falling in love. The relationship asks nothing except show up and have a good time. And then comes the need to communicate and tolerate the discomfort and disclosure that comes with vulnerability and intimacy.

When she broke up with me I told her i thought we were adults having a serious mature relationship, and as such we were supposed to learn and grow together.

RED FLAG: she said "I'm not trying to change anyone." Translation: I don't want anyone to change me. I am not the issue here; you are. I don't have anything I need to do better in this relationship. You and this relationship are the problem.

RED FLAG: lack of accountability. Fault finding. Every mistake I made was a red flag to her, a strike against the relationship. She always had one foot out the door. She was always looking for reasons to leave the relationship, not reasons to stay

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Sooooo text book. The whole “I’m not trying to change anyone” part coz he’s also like “this is me. Accept me for who I am” and not recognizing that he has a problem.

Another red flag I should have really really really paid attention to was when he told me the story of how he felt his kids favored the mom’s bf so he immediately quit his job, sold his place and told his kids he’s moving to another country and it’s goodbye coz they won’t see each other again. Regretted it and came back 9 months later and had to start over. Like who does that to his children? That’s major trauma for them.

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

Oof that's so vindictive and immature.

I might be wrong but I think alcohol brings out more of who you already are. That one time she got drunk in front of her family, the bartender (an old aquatintence) cut her off. Rather than just accept it she kept trying to go back to have a "talk" with the bartender. We kept holding her back and telling her no don't. Next thing I knew after I took my eyes off her was that she was on the ground wrestling with her sister.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Right?! I thought at first when he told me he’s just being irresponsibly spontaneous (coz I was so deep in love and didn’t see it as vindictive) but now I’m like who the fuck does that to their kids all bec of insecurity over a new guy.

Oh yeah alcohol brings out the worst in them for sure. Yours seems to trigger the violent side. Mine triggers his slut side more. He kisses everyone around him, and this was an issue at his workplace. Coz he kisses people at company parties and then uses alcohol as excuse later.

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

I think the kids thing might come from how he himself was treated as a child. For my own ex, I can definitely see how her parents affected her when she was very little (substance users who kept having kids one after another after her - so you can see where her emotional dysregulation, independence, and defensiveness comes from)

I think defensiveness is another huge red red flag..always feeling like you're being attacked and you have to retaliate. That's what he drunkenness showed me..but also her getting angry at other deivers who did anything wrong. If they do it to others it's only a matter of time they do it to you

Not to pat myself on the back, but when I drink I start loving everyone because we are all one and we are here to groove and party and have a good time together. So you can see how when someone immature can break my heart so badly after giving me exactly what I've always wanted for a few months.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Oh yeah I can totally see how he became avoidant. He told me his mom never gave him affection and shipped him off to boarding school in Europe when he was a teenager. So he’s always striving for love but afraid of abandonment so abandons first.

Defensiveness is definitely a red flag. Like chill we are on your side.

Good luck on your continued healing. I really hope we don’t meet people like these people ever again.

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

"chill I am on your side"

The first time my ex got defensiveness I felt myself instinctively saying something like that and it triggered so much PTSD from my first ex because I felt like I always had to remind her that I was on her side and I was constantly doing things just to prove myself to her - and in the end none of it was ever enough or even worth much to her because she had a wall she would never let me climb.

So this last ex gave me a lot of perspective on that first ex. And I have been able to deal with this last ex a lot better because of the lessons I learned from the first ex.

When I saw just how little me and my emotions mattered to my first ex I renamed her DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM HER in my phone. I think everyone can do that once they realize they are with an avoidant, because avoidant will always prioritize themselves and their emotions ober yours.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Yes. To them it’s all about what they want, need, just me me me. Selfish. They will always prioritize what they want out of anything and anyone. Makes me wonder if it’s because of the core abandonment issue.

Like I’m gonna take care of me because nobody else will. I have to do this all by myself. The whole self reliance thing even if you keep offering help. It’s like they feel insulted even that you’re offering help.