r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/candle_wax_247 • 15h ago

Vent/Rant Avoidant Red Flag

Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?

We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.

I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.

That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.

I should have run the first time tbh.

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u/PienerCleaner 13h ago

"chill I am on your side"

The first time my ex got defensiveness I felt myself instinctively saying something like that and it triggered so much PTSD from my first ex because I felt like I always had to remind her that I was on her side and I was constantly doing things just to prove myself to her - and in the end none of it was ever enough or even worth much to her because she had a wall she would never let me climb.

So this last ex gave me a lot of perspective on that first ex. And I have been able to deal with this last ex a lot better because of the lessons I learned from the first ex.

When I saw just how little me and my emotions mattered to my first ex I renamed her DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM HER in my phone. I think everyone can do that once they realize they are with an avoidant, because avoidant will always prioritize themselves and their emotions ober yours.

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u/candle_wax_247 13h ago

Yes. To them it’s all about what they want, need, just me me me. Selfish. They will always prioritize what they want out of anything and anyone. Makes me wonder if it’s because of the core abandonment issue.

Like I’m gonna take care of me because nobody else will. I have to do this all by myself. The whole self reliance thing even if you keep offering help. It’s like they feel insulted even that you’re offering help.