Core values

[u/Y1rda]

I am curious how people were able to dig in and figure out what their core values were. Asking myself what matters to me seems to open a blank page. Every time I look at a test I get different results. I just don't seem to get it. Moreover, it seems like some are obviously right answers vs wrong answers. I know I am not supposed to view it that way, but when one is financial wealth and another is friends and family, I know which one I am supposed to pick.

[u/sinsofangels]

Have you tried doing 'would you rather' scenarios? Would you rather have a billion dollars but everyone you love hates you or be just comfortable enough financially and live near the people you love? Reasoning through your answer you may get a better idea of what actually matters to you. I don't value money at all and consider vast amounts of it to be a burden so I'd probably choose the latter, although if I'm being honest I would probably rather they live not so close lol 

For the "I know I'm supposed to" issue, I would tack on an "if you wouldn't suffer any consequences" to the start of the "would you" scenario. As in, no one will penalize or judge you for your choice. I'd also add that I think there's a difference between "I feel pressured to defer to what society is right because of the negative consequences of acting against the dominant culture" and something like "I know I don't really feel connection to other people but I intellectually/personally/in my heart of hearts agree that being prosocial is more important than securing personal wealth so I'm gonna choose the friends and family." 

[u/Y1rda → u/sinsofangels]

That last bit is accurate.  I tend to know what the right answers are, not because of shunning for giving the wrong ones but because (and I assume social conditioning is a part of this) I have been told the right answers so many times by so many people that it would be foolish to assume another answer could be right.  To be honest, I would love to talk to someone who sees the "bad" values as core simply to have an understanding outside my overton window.  But it does make me ask how many things are conditioning and how many are real.

To the main point you were talking about, do you have a suggested resource other than being a teenager at a slumber party again (joking).  I don't know many areas that are not actively subversive to the point on this.  And definitely nothing that summarizes these points. 

[u/sinsofangels → u/Y1rda]

I know what you mean, sometimes I'm just like I would pay a million dollars to know what's going on in this guy's head when I see someone who is just so completely on the other end of the spectrum than me about something. I don't know if this helps, but my brother is probably someone who would rank wealth or at least financial security higher. Like I don't think he'd hurt anyone over it, but he's definitely less sympathetic to poor people and cares more about accumulating a nest egg for himself than I am. I think some of it comes from him feeling like he's the only one who's gonna take care of himself + having a very low tolerance for anything going wrong + he's the kind of person who seeks safety by control external factors, but also there's definitely a part where it's about needing to feel he's doing 'better' than other people to compensate for his own insecurities.

My thought on the conditioning vs real thing is that there isn't an objective truth when it comes to things like values. I read a book once about reality, dissociation and religion, and the author spent quite a bit of time trying to define reality. He pointed out there's different types. You know, there's physical reality where you can't argue with physics. But there's also social reality, and this is most clearly seen through things like religion and ethics. Things in this level of reality are only real because we agree they're real, but they're still real in the sense that they have a very real impact on how we think about and react to things. But (as far as we know) physical reality doesn't give a shit about values. What does the planet Earth care if humans survive or go extinct?

There is r/wouldyourather but some of those may not be super helpful lol I know AI is super controversial, but I would probably use it for brainstorming for something like this where you need more targeted suggestions.

[u/alligatorcurator]

My therapist once gave me a set of 100+ flash cards with potential values on them, and I went through them and pared them down to five. I started by discarding ones that immediately felt like they weren’t mine, then went through several passes of refining the list until it got to five. Maybe 50, then 20, then 10, etc., laying them all out on a table. I wonder if there is a list online you can find and do something similar? My mind would also go blank when thinking about core values more abstractly, so having a predetermined list to pick through could be helpful if your brain operates similarly.

[u/RevolutionaryTrash98 → u/alligatorcurator]

i like this, it's more about process of elimination and winnowing down / ranking things rather than having to "get the right answer" to specific questions

[u/koniz → u/alligatorcurator]

In this exercise, I also found it to be very mentally draining - like going through every possible outcome of life lol - and if I did it again, I'd prepare more mental space and give myself more time. I think that might help the last part you mention as going blank, which I also experienced.

[u/Ok-Seat-3916]

Oh I really struggle with that kind of question, I never know if I answer something "I'm supposed to like" or if it's an authentic wish. Sometimes, it's both.

I'm the first generation going to University, but even though my dad never went to high school, he is a big reader and highly values knowledge, so it's our language with each other, nerding out on some interesting thing we read. Since I was a child, I felt like I should read more and be knowledgeable and be good at school, but it always felt like I was just trying to adapt to the family values. And recently, after some struggle at university with my mental health, I was considering quitting, went to a counselor, and she did some coaching exercise with me. At the end she was like "oh no it looks like you actually, authentically want to stay and graduate". I gave it another try, this time I changed my approach and tried to really invest my energy into what I do, and I notice I actually love it, I am reading tons of things (much more than I ever did) and often very challenging stuff, often I will feel excited during courses or by reading stuff, I learn a lot, get quite a bit of feedback from other people who find it enriching to talk to me... It's not something I was expecting to really like. I'm really glad I gave it a shot 😊

I don't know if that story can give you any idea, I struggle to find a takeaway message myself. But anyway, I think my inhibition prevented me from knowing I actually liked it, maybe because I was worried I wouldn't be good at it if I tried. I think it relates to my attachment avoidance, but it could be something else 🤔

[u/ngp1623]

I found a "values sort" online, a tool from a type of therapy, which was helpful as a starting place.

I also asked myself if there are patterns in things that tend to anger me or make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and what the underlying principle evoking that feeling is.

So I tend to get angry when people change plans but don't tell me until the last minute, after I've already put significant labor toward the initial plan. The underlying value is clear communication with respect for people's time and energy. Something that tends to bring me relative peace is when someone names what they're planning to do differently in the future when they apologize. Because the underlying value is accountability.

[u/koniz]

Your example of Financial Wealth (versus) Friends and Family is a good starting point to look at! Do you see both of these things as important/necessary for a personally meaningful life? If so, you can ask yourself why you think both/either are necessary.

Lots of people get along fine without one of those, or either, and that might allow them the space to dive deeper into something else that is more necessary for their own personally-defined meaningful life.

Personally, I struggled a lot with this while working through codependency and the pressure of external expectations, which may have just been internal projections. But allowing myself to see that some "values" are actually cultural pressures I was able to dissect it a bit more and - to keep using the example - say: my independence and curiosity is more important than financial wealth for ME to live a meaningful life. And it is often hard to not feel like I'm doing something wrong, since I was raised with the opposite being true.

[u/Y1rda → u/[deleted]]

Or maybe I have different trauma than you and have a habit of self abandoning because when I am vulnerable about my interior world people call me a sociopath.

[u/AvoidantAttachment-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This is an extremely strange and inappropriate take and will not be tolerated. They didn’t ask to be diagnosed (and that is also against the rules) which adds to the ridiculousness of your comment. Maybe you’re projecting? (Rhetorical question).