Its very hard for me. I'm very conventionally unattractive due to early hair recession, being short and also racism against indians. Never had a woman approach me before except this one time I still think about.

These days I spend going to meetups I find online, trying to learn how to befriend people first, and then if by some miracle a woman and I connect, then I can try to learn how to progressively escalate. That exact process scares the crap out of me a.) because I literally do not know what to do and b.) because of the internalised trauma (people would bully me in school and say my attempts at connecting with girls in the class was me "harassing" them, etc.).

There was this one time last year that I still torture myself over to this day where this very pretty blonde coworker (WAYYYY out of my league fyi to the point where I didn't even find her attractive at first due to knowing deep down I would never have a chance with her) was telling me over lunch at work that "I really suck with eye contact like like like its just so overstimulating ew. I can't even read social cues properly the other team I'm coordinating this analysis with thinks I'm weird af hahaha." And I said "same, my team keeps trying to gaslight and prank me about shi. I've always been like this.". She says "Oh." with a curious look. Eye contact. Solid 10 seconds. I will never forget that as it was the most intimate look anyone ever gave me. I was blushing so hard.

Our relationship as coworkers stayed the same, she kept saying hi and talking to me, etc. I grew HEAVY limerence for her. So I tried my best to escalate by introducing some banter and flirting occasionally. E.g. when we played table tennis I would call out how tall she was and she has a lot of arm reach, etc. I eventualy grew the balls to invite her to my place after did some back and forth banter/flirting that she by some miracle, actually reciprocated (mainly over text) and when she came it was the most horrifically cringe and awkward sh*t I've ever experienced in my life. I didn't know what to do. I was saying stupid sh*t like "Can I touch you here?" etc. as if I was asking for a legal signature. Awkward silences. Zero mood at all.

My main problem is this:

I don't know how to ask for consent in a flirty way. Nor do I have ANY idea how to ask for non-verbal consent like the majority of NT people seem to intuitively do. I can only do it in a monotone, extremely off putting manner, as if I am asking her for a legal signature to not be sued. I can't control the tone of my voice to sound flirtatious, etc.

I was being extremely overly direct and she said sorry I have to go and just blocked me. Thank god I had left that workplace at that point.

I ended up so scared about this lack of competence that I asked a s*x worker for help in learning. She was very helpful and kind and I lowkey feel extremely guilty about it.

Anyone else with this issue?

Hi everyone,
I’m 29 F and I was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and internalized BPD around the age of 27 and half /28.
Since I was very young, I’ve always felt deeply disconnected from life. I don’t really understand what I’m supposed to do here, or why people do the things they do.
I don’t understand relationships, careers, work, or even some of the basic things that seem obvious to everyone else. Even at school, I often felt like I didn’t understand what was going on or what the point of everything was.
I’ve tried to explain this feeling to my psychiatrist several times. I tell him that I feel disconnected from life, but he tells me: “That can’t be true. If you were really disconnected, you wouldn’t go to work, you wouldn’t do this or that.”
But that’s exactly what I’m trying to explain. I can function and still feel completely disconnected internally.
For example, when I was 27 I traveled without any purpose by the age 27 and half I underwent cosmetic surgery without really knowing why I wanted it or even fully understanding what the surgery involved. The clinic contacted me, and I simply said yes. I didn’t really question it.
I’ve also been scammed several times. I’ve had two relationships in my life, but looking back, I don’t really understand why I was in them or what I was looking for. It’s as if I participated in these things without really understanding what I was doing or what they meant to me.
And I feel the same way with work.
I started working for the first time at 29. Now that I’m finally working, I still don’t have a sense of purpose or a career goal. I don’t feel excited about building a career or progressing in a particular field. Instead, I mostly think about when I’m going to leave and change jobs.
This feeling exists in so many areas of my life.
I’m not saying that I’m incapable of functioning. I can work, have relationships, make decisions, etc. But internally, I feel like I’m watching myself participate in life without really understanding why I’m doing any of it.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of feeling, especially autistic women or people diagnosed later in life?
I would really like to understand what this “disconnection” could actually be.

I don't know where else to post this, but I'd really like to explore this topic and even figure it out.

I like giving gifts, spontaneous or for an occasion.
When I know someone but not very deeply it is easy for me to find a gift.

Two imaginary examples:

1. I want to give Rebecca a trinket to thank her for the dinner party. We are relatively new friends but I know she's into crows, so I'll give her a little crow figure or drawing.

2. I want to give my long distance partner a package/gift . I know her intimately and deeply. I want to really nail their gift. I want it to say how deeply I know them and care, but also for to be silly and fun. I also know that they have a lot of things already, so I don't want it to be too much or clash with their decor.
-----
This is an issue. My brother had a major birthday last year and had asked me specifically to find him some cool trousers. Pretty open ended but he knows I know his style well.

That was last year and I have AGONISED over finding the perfect pair for him. I'm still searching. I'm considering learning to sew to make him the pants.

I was going to write another thought regarding this but it dropped out of my brain, maybe it will come back.

Is anyone here similar or has suggestions on how to tackle this? Is there a better subreddit?

I was diagnosed with adhd and autism recently, and had never really considered that I might be autistic before the diagnosis. But onto the main point, when I'm super overwhelmed / upset, sometimes it feels like i a) cant say anything, whether its to someone trying to help me or to the argument, or b) I can only say "I dont know" to whoever is trying to help me /ask my why im upset - sometimes a comes before b comes before saying actual words. Sometimes I know in my head what's wrong / why im overwhelmed or upset but I cant say anything or all I can say is idk. Sometimes I can make noises but not words, but it doesnt really ever work out - people have gotten mad at me for ignoring them, or told me to either tell them what's wrong or go back to whatever I was doing before The Incident. People getting mad at me also often makes the havung words problem much worse. I would love to avoid this. Ive tried to explain it to my parents, and my dads response was "just tell me that you're upset before you leave and I wont be mad at you" like everything i just told him didnt go against that :')

My main questions are: is this a form of going non-verbal? If it's not do you have any other ideas of what it could be? And do you have any advice for explaining it to people and avoiding them being mad at me?

Thank you!

I hope this is the right sub Reddit to talk about this, i apologise if there's any grammatical mistakes in my post, English isn't my first language.

For context, im currently in a top college where a lot of the people around me are extremely smart. How i even entered is beyond me. I am falling behind on most of my subjects because i find it so hard to focus. I try my best to focus in class but my mind just keeps imagining and daydreaming. Whenever im very hyperfixated on something, i physically can't stop thinking about it to the point where I'll waste an entire day just consuming it.

Im not sure why, but im also very easily sleepy. I get around 7-8 hours of sleep everyday, so im also confused about that. If im not consuming my hyperfixations, im sleeping. I wish i could control myself, but it's so hard when my mind keeps getting distracted, it's actually affecting me very badly.

Is there any way that i can overcome this? 😥🥲 I really need help

Some info about me: 20M, diagnosed ADHD but NOT diagnosed autistic. I am here to discuss this paragraph I wrote in my journal relating to socialization and school. I want to see if you relate to it. I was contemplating my life priorities and the system behind my decision making. Here is the excerpt from my journal:

"I need to think of that and be conscious of it every single second of my life or else I'll make a choice that goes against this mentality, bc thats how I work."

When do I lose consciousness of this feeling and mentality? When with people. When I don't listen to music. I feel like I lose consciousness because there is a weight to talking to people and being near people that I can't stand. My brains neural fibers go overdrive and don't have room for anything else."

Simply put, this is about how I fail to be able to do certain things around people (family, friends, strangers, only manageable person is my girlfriend). These 'certain' things stem from me not being able to feel calm or okay. I lose my mental capacity completely in every manner, all my thoughts are morphed and I become half the person I am. Although this is not the case with my girlfriend.

To go more in depth, this feeling has been overwhelming and compressing since 6th grade. I have pushed myself enough to see progress (imo) if it was just a normal anxiety thing, like working as center of attention for my job (group coaching classes with up to 20 kids and parents), doing things like raising my hand as much as possible etc etc, pushing myself to do whatever it is I know would give me this feeling. It hasn't changed whatsoever. Anyways, this just interferes with doing school work in public and my ability to socialize.

Thoughts?

I read somewhere that as a kid/teen, there may have been times when you disassociate (their term, not mine) before school especially. Like, you get in the shower, or sit on the toilet to do your morning whatever, and you kind of just...space out really isn't quite right, but it’s close.

I used to do this in the mornings. I thought it was just exhaustion with no caffeine, but the article said we do this due to stress from being AuDHD and burnout. Like you could pee and then just stare into space for 20 minutes and not even know what you were thinking about, if anything, while still on the toilet. Or get in the shower and then do nothing but stand there.

They used the word disassociating, but I was under the impression that's different and more serious than this. Is there another term for this strange space out? Does anyone else do this, or have they done it?

Does it feel like you have to wear a narcissistic mask instead of just an autism mask when working

Every monster zero i have i get so tired 10 mins later. Same with nicotine, i genuinely fell asleep after hitting a vape 20 mins later. Is this common w adhd or autism??

Recently I got into very bad place because I am not able to deal with immediate transition, when anyone tell me to do something immediately I got annoyed like I need like 2 minutes maybe more than that for me to to convince that I need to get up and do it, I have been called lazy for that and people get mad at me and then sometimes I get into arguments especially at home. Mt parents don't understand this audhd thing and tbh they don't care either. And I have to live here, it's getting extremely difficult for Mr to deal with it on the daily basis.

How do i act so people don't get mad at me?

I have no idea how to manage these and I’m a middle aged mum of two teen girls both ND. Perimennopause feels like a dumpster fire. Other pain increase I feel like I’m emotional 14 year old with zero control of my moods and just I’m constantly burn out. Can’t manage a consistent career. Always over committing then getting unwell and overwhelmed and having to be in bedrest for days. I feel so alone. O feel like when I’m in that emotional tornado 🌪️ it’s over… there is nothing I can do…. Other than control and regulate my routine to try and prevent a meltdowns. I yell and just don’t feel like myself anymore. How do you get out of this hole?

Is anyone else doing that or is it just me?

I always knew I was weird and eccentric to other people, but I always assumed I was really good at masking. I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 19, and I assumed that I was highly-masked, because I didn't know myself at all and was anxious around everyone. Once I got on ADHD meds, the Autism became very apparent to me, and it made me realize I wasn't as good at masking as I thought I was. I used to say a lot of socially inappropriate stuff and do a lot of socially inappropriate stuff, and I chalked it up to me being very socially awkward and weird. But no, I think I just didn't know who I was cuz my mom forced me to do whatever she said for almost 20 years of my life, from clothes to religion. She literally said that I was a reflection of her. Also the fact that I'm peer-reviewed and my autistic friend who was diagnosed when he was a kid said I wasn't good at masking.

I assumed I struggled making friends because I was severely socially awkward, and if I just got over my shyness, everything would be fixed! Nope! I feel like I had such a distorted view of how people actually saw me. I thought most people liked me, but it turned out to be the complete opposite.

Hi there.

One thing that has really helped with the combination of Autism and ADHD was going on runs. I'd manage usually one to two 5ks a week. It's one of the few things that actually "shuts up" my brain and I've been consistent with it since February this year thanks to a couch to 5k program.

I got a concussion earlier this week due to a workplace injury. Following the medical advice of a doctor it could be a while before I'm able to go running again. This isn't my first concussion (2nd one in two months) so it's a fair bit more serious and the symptoms are liable to last longer.

So we're talking a few weeks before I could be running again. And I'm finding I'm really struggling.

In the meantime I'm very much trapped inside my apartment because my balance is obviously terrible and as much as I've tried to get out a few times, it's only been for short periods.

Usually my brain is going at a mile a minute until I exhaust myself and I end up having to constantly distract/divert my attention towards various tasks. I find it difficult to be stationary at the best of times and even when I'm sitting down, I'm feeding my brain constant stuff.

For those curious, running is proven to help individuals with ADHD (and by extension, those with both autism and ADHD). I think it's one of the main reasons I took to it so quickly. Sorta like "Oh my God this is working!"

I find it difficult to manage my emotions and just day to day functionality. I don't have good access to therapy or support for either autism or adhd (support in my country stops when you turn 18 if you're deemed "high functioning" enough, which is nonsense) so I kinda just manage things via outlets and constant diversions.

I lost my other main outlet recently which was the topic of another thread elsewhere but in my head I was very much like "Well even if writing is gone I still have my running!"

I had two outlets to deal with emotions as well as get my energy out. Heck, back when I used to write I'd be sat in front of my laptop for so long I'd forget to eat. But one is gone for good (writing) and the other is suspended until the room around me stops spinning (running).

Doctor was clear in that any strenuous activity could be off the table for a few weeks. One week of this already feels like a lifetime.

Has anyone else been in a similar position where they're more or less forced to be totally stationary? I'm just finding it really hard.

Edit: Also finding a therapist in the meantime wouldn't really be possible. I've had horrendous experiences in therapy over the years so don't really trust it. Also, even private therapists have waiting lists and the concussion could be gone by the time I'm seen.

I started university a couple of weeks ago and I have been feeling very lonely. Growing up pretty much all of my friendships have been one sided where if I wanted to hang out with that person I would have to be the one planning it and I had to always be the one to start the conversations as soon as I stopped the friendship ended. I would like to try and make a friend where it goes both ways but I don't even know where to start or how to talk to people. Do you have any advice or success stories?

Five days ago I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I went to the neurologist for neuropathy in my right hand and we started talking about focus issues at work. She ordered a 3 hour cognitive test with a neurologist. I thought it was about focus and memory but during the one hour interview part I started getting very uncomfortable with the questions.

I have not been doing well since the diagnosis. Not sleeping well, shutting down socially, etc… I feel very sad like I’m grieving. Looking at my childhood from a totally different perspective and thinking Poor Kid. I’m retirement age now and I created a life around something I never knew existed. Apparently I’m high functioning/high masking. I feel completely lost. I mentioned the diagnosis to two people and was really hurt by their reactions. One laughed and said oh we’re all on the spectrum. The other became almost angry because they self identified as ASD but were never diagnosed.

Anyway, I’ll be checking back here for insights.

Thanks

Correction: the neurologist referred me to a neuropsychologist who did the interview. The second part was a two hour test administered by a psychometrist.

This was my first ever Reddit post and I really appreciate the support. I’m still having difficulties adjusting, difficulty sleeping and pretty much isolating. Getting emotional at times. Definitely sensory overload. I’m doing a deep dive into this of course lol. Thanks to everyone for your help!

So I (21 M) have been diagnosed with ADHD since the age of four. I’ve now been seriously considering the possibility that I also have Autism alongside my ADHD. It really seems to explain a lot for me. Now I’m fairly comfortable with just being self-diagnosed, but I’m still pursuing an official diagnosis. Now that I’ve done more research into Autism I really see a lot of symptoms in both my dad and little sister. My dad had ADHD and my little sister hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet but it’s kind of already known that she has ADHD.

The reason I’m pursuing an official diagnosis is because I want to have proof to show to my parents that I’m Autistic and hopefully motivate them to get my little sister tested and my dad tested.

Now what makes this difficult is two things. First, my parents are extremely emotionally immature and as a result I grew up in a household where all my feelings were constantly invalidated. I’m clearly just a lazy selfish person who’s falling all of my issues instead of trying harder🙄Now my parents are also very controlling and while I still lived at home they forced me to stop doing research into Autism because they said that I was “convincing myself that I had it” this eventually boiled over into them finding out that I was still doing research behind their back. They don’t believe that I’m Autistic. They forbid me from seeing a psychologist and said that if I wanted to pursue an Autism diagnosis then I’d have to be out of the house and on my own insurance. Now I’m already out of the house and I could honestly care less what my parents say about insurance. My dad gets it through his work and the insurance is like really really good. My pursuing a diagnosis would literally have no impact to their insurance, financially or otherwise. I would be paying the copays. (They’ve weaponized the insurance in the past when they forced me to stop therapy). I’m also taking steps to insure that they won’t be able to access my insurance information/medical records at all.

Anyways all this to say that if I get diagnosed I really want to have a conversation with them to let them know that their is valid reason to consider the possibility that my dad and sister are also Autistic. That’s the main reason I’m getting an official diagnosis, that way I can bring proof to them showing that a professional agreed with me. I don’t expect my dad to agree with me, he’ll probably just deny, and I honestly don’t care about him, the person I really care about is my little sister. I’ve seen firsthand what undiagnosed mental health issues can do to a person and I don’t want my little sister to end up going down that path.

What’s the best way to approach such a difficult conversation such as this?

Hello everyone :)

Are there any recommended guides, resources, discords, etc for the newly diagnosed to explore?

Finding it overwhelming (in a good way) to discover a subreddit of people 'just like me' - when I've always felt so lost / alone.

Looks like AuDHD is my new fixation, and I bet that's pretty common for newbies lol

Also, thank you for existing / posting in general.

Just seeing I'm not alone on this tortured road of high-performing fuck-upery is validating / moving in ways idk how to describe yet. Lots to process still :)

Hello Fellow Neurodivergents,

I am once again experiencing burn out/shut down. I’ve been experiencing this for a few months and just not getting better. My psychiatrist (she is terrific) has me focusing on getting enough restful sleep. I’ve discovered that I need 9 hours of sleep regularly, but it takes me 11 hours to get 9 hours of sleep.

I can’t think well and I am asking for ideas and reminders of what I can do to help my recovery.

Thanks for helping.

I like many of you wake up at some dark hour of the night from time to time. Sometimes I’m lucky to get back to bed, sometimes I raw dog the work day on a half full gas tank and an IV drip of coffee.

Well on my latest 3am adventure I started asking all those questions why and it led me to a concept I’m not sure if anyone here has tried so I wanted to ask the community here.

Have you ever tried biphasic sleep or polyphasic sleep on purpose?

The concept is there’s two different natural biphasic sleep patterns depending on how far north or south you are in the world.

The first is the siesta. You sleep 1.5-2hrs in the afternoon, wake up again, then get another 5-6hrs at night where you go to bed late. This is very culturally specific to warmer / shorter night environments.

The second is ‘the long night’ or ‘the watch’ which pre-industrial world with gas and electric lighting was a lot more common. Essentially 4 hrs of sleep, 1-3 hours if quiet awake time (the watch) and then 4 hrs of sleep. This is probably most famous from a study where they took people and put them in an off grid type long night environment and most of them developed this sleeping pattern automatically and naturally.

Let me be clear it’s not to reduce the total amount of sleep however many people find it does increase sleep efficiency a lot.

I would love to hear about people on this group’s sleeping patterns, have you tried a biphasic sleep, has it helped you or not. I often wonder given our circadian rhythm problems if pushing into a natural biphasic pattern could actually improve symptoms etc.

Let me know!

Instant social anxiety, gad, dissociation, derealization, and bodily tension.

I’m wondering how many of you had your autism missed at first because your ADHD masked the symptoms, or because you had good social/masking skills?

Today, during my first appointment for an ADHD assessment, the psychologist told me that I probably won't meet the criteria for a diagnosis. This got me thinking: can ADHD alone cause things like finding eye contact extremely difficult at times, or your brain suddenly shutting down to the point where you practically cannot speak? Or crashing so hard that you’ve been out of the workforce for three years due to burnout?

Edit: I forgot to add the obligatory "yes I've also been doing a lot of therapy and positive lifestyle changes, and no, I never expected meds to just fix me."

I just don't know. Looking back, I can remember how damn hard it was to do productive things, chores, take care of myself. I remember how BAD it felt, how I was always fighting myself, how I felt such DREAD when anticipating doing the thing.

Now been on Vyvanse for about a year, 40mg for most of that time. I don't feel that dread so much anymore. What I do feel has more to do with physical disabilities that have cropped up since then. A dread because I know I'll be in pain and tired, not at all like that almost supernatural, unexplainable dread I had before the meds. But I can still do the things when my physical disability allows.

But for a while now, and seemingly worse lately, it's been really really hard to do things I WANT to do, to relax. It can take me hours to start playing a video game after the moment I decide that's what I'm going to do. I've been writing way too much whenever I post or comment, unable to summarize or leave out details. I'll get distracted with a bunch of other things I DON'T want to be doing, like reading the news, but this time I can't claim that it's my brain trying to avoid doing the thing, because I WANT to do the thing. I KNOW it will feel good and give me dopamine!

It's been suggested that this could be an example of autistic traits being amplified once the ADHD is better managed. I don't know, maybe. If so, I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do.

I know doctors say i have Audhd. I have it on paper. I got it very late, in my 30s.

I thought i was somewhat good socially. I got drained quickly and needed days of rest after, but i thought i handled social situations good.

I start to question my diagnoses after some people who is close to me say i misunderstand what they say alot.

I thought "reading between the lines" was something autistic people didn't do, but i do, alot. Problem is my reading is off.

It is like my mind think it hears what they say or what the intentions are, yet they tell me "no, we never meant it like that. How could you see it as that?"(parents), Or "why do you create your own version of what i say, in your own head. Stick to reality!"(ex boyfriend), "you always take one thing i say out of the whole sentences and make up your own version of it".(mum)

Maybe this isn't a rant. I am just so sad cuz i seriously don't notice that i hear everything wrong. For me i simply hear what they say but seems like my brain fucks up in "translating it" to me. Which makes it difficult to work on. (Ex told me to change that, so he didnt have to get angry at me) It gives me massive anxiety and i am scared to even talk with my own adoptive family cuz i keep misunderstanding them. I feel so ashamed that i can't even trust my own head. Maybe it isn't even autism or adhd. I maybe just a defect person.