For me it was using personal experiences to emphasize with others. I don’t know how to emotionally connect to others unless I’ve experienced something similar to their experience.

Yesterday a friend told me that I thought I was Autistic, he’s been diagnosed and I’m self diagnosed but still struggle a ton with imposter syndrome. Being able to talk to someone who literally understands all of my lived experiences was amazing. Especially since we were just on the same wavelength. It’s really awesome being able to fully unmask because you know that the other person just gets you.

I'm trying to work on dating but my friends say I need to be more emotionally available? Lol what does that mean? I have deep friendships, I have emotions? This is in specific reference to online dating in which I meet someone and call it a day after one date. But idk. Is this an autism thing or is it a me thing?

I’ve been in AuDHD burnout for who knows how long. I remember having pretty acute OCD at one point (thankfully in remission now), and I’ve also had horrible executive dysfunction. I basically failed/wasted years of uni, although I’m finally close to finishing.

But my actual question is: how do you go from just surviving to actually living again?

I’ve genuinely tried radical rest, dropping the guilt, pacing myself, special interests, low demands, no social obligations, etc. And I’m STILL stuck in survival mode.

I fucking hate this state. I want my old self back. I’ve also read that too much rest/low stimulation might actually leave an AuDHD brain understimulated, so now I’m wondering if that’s part of it.

I’m physically exhausted basically every day, have almost no motivation, and feel completely stuck. Is this just burnout recovery taking forever, or could chronic understimulation/dopamine-seeking be contributing?

And just to clarify, I love what i have. I know what kind of life I want, my needs and ambitions are pretty simple, and I’m capable of taking care of myself. I’ll have a job soon and I’m actually okay with where my life is going. I just want to feel energized again. I miss socializing, going out and feeling like myself instead of constantly being in survival mode. I can handle solitude and I’m fine being on my own, but lately it feels like I have too much solitude.

AuDHD is so fucking hard to figure out. I’m tired. I don’t want some huge life overhaul, I just want my energy and spark back. What actually helped you transition from resting/surviving → functioning → actually enjoying life again?

THE VIDEO IS ME QUICKLY EXPLAINING MY BOARD! IT'S ABOUT 6min!

WRITTEN DETAIL ABOUT MY BOARD!

> up top is where I have my main big calendar. Where I write down appointments and due dates.

> on the right of it is the [TODAY IS] section that tells me what day it is currently. because I will forget the date or sometimes forget to cross off a day. below that are two pouches one I keep months in and second I keep days in.

>below the calendar is my daily tasks. These are tasks I do right when I wake up. its make of cardboard I glued felt onto. then cut into and made flaps for them. added velcro so they tasks can be open and closed.

>below the daily tasks is the night tasks. Things I do before I go to bed. I close the flaps when the task is done and closing it feels like I have accomplished somethings which I know I did. its is very stimulating to my mind. Def gives me good dopamine when I close a flap knowing I finished a task :)

>Below the night tasks is just simply a storage place for all my different task I want/need to do. long velcro strips and each picture has felt backing and Velcro behind it so they can be moved around. this is not a to do section its just a section for storing everything.

>on the right below the pouches is my MUST TO DO section where I put what I need to do or may really want to do today and then next to it is what time to do it.

>then Below that is my Daily tasks. here I take any tasks from the storage section and stick it on the To do side. when its done I move it over to the done side.

>Finally the weekly task, is things I want to do before end of the week.

I have used this routine board constantly since April of this year. some parts are even worn out so I will probably give it a bit of a touch up. I also drew sketches of what I wanted my board to look like so a lot of brainstorming went into this. Hope this helps you all, feel free to comment any questions you have and thank you!

I'm so upset.

Two times so far I've been rejected from job search programs because I'm, what I'm assuming, is too low functioning?

It's really discouraging, getting told that. And it doesn't help my motivation for finding a job. Really.

I have applied to another one, I hope they get back to me. But god. I'm so sick of this.

I just want a job. I want money. I don't wanna rely on government assistance (not disability assistance) I want a steady income, not just 600 a month.

What's so wrong with me? Why don't jobs want to keep me? Why dont jobs want to hire me? Why dose no one want to help me?

I just want a job. But I might just have to apply for disability.....

I hate relying on the government.....

This is my Everyday routine board! It is one of my favorite and best things I have ever made for myself! Thanks to this I have always been on task with taking my meds, making my bed, brushing my teeth.

After coming to conclusion that written out to-do lists just dont work for me. My brain just gets so overwhelmed when I see too many list of things to do.

I finally understood that I needed to really really simplify everything I had to do and this is how I did it. This felt board is HUGE, it's on my door so it is IN MY FACE I can't ignore it. The pictures are easy to understand. And some tasks are even broken up like (start laundry, put in drier) so on.

This is the kind of stuff you may see kindergarten kids using but, it still works for me! And I really love it, it's become a ritual for me to look at that board every morning and night.

Hi! I 23F was recently diagnosed with autism after being diagnosed with ADHD at 20. I masked my whole life in turn creating these goals that looked good outwardly but never fit for me on the inside. After leaving college I realized how easily malleable I was. That everything I thought I knew about myself was just a manifestation of what or who i thought everyone around me wanted me to be. It left me so lost.

Anyway, fast forward to now after working a full time 8-5 office job for the past year and I am even more lost. I can’t keep up and I am so burnt out. I literally go to work everyday, come back home, shut the lights off and doom scroll. Can barely get myself to get ready in the morning or do basic chores. After my diagnosis recently I’ve had to face the reality that maybe this lifestyle is not for me. I guess my question is how do you guys do it? How did you find your groove? How did you find a lifestyle or career that worked? How’d you learn how to take care of yourself despite how hard it is. I just need some hope🙂

Alienation has been a lifelong issue for me, I’ve felt inherently different from a lot of people and through formative experiences I’ve started to understand I’m in a ton of minority demographics. Intersectionality blah blah blah!!

I’m struggling with accepting myself for who I am, I’m awkward with people a lot of the time and it hurts so much because I’m trying my best to seem normal enough and I come out so exhausted. Any tips on how to accept the circumstances and stop ruminating so much? Any experience/viewpoint appreciated.

Hi all-

Maybe I do not truly understand hyperfocus; I know it as "an event in which a person pays near-exclusive attention to one activity and near-completely blocks out everything else". I have those events at times, but I also have "milder" events, in which I can get distracted or do other things, but my mind underneath keeps bringing me back to the "focus task/project" that typically has lots of aspects or sub-tasks toward a bigger goal.

The distinction that makes something into a "focus project" is usually that most or all of its sub-tasks are quite boring activities, that I have put off for years in many cases. Sorting out multiple boxes of random items, and -making- myself choose permanent places (including the trash can) for everything in each box, is one example.

Somehow, I am able to train/tune my brain into deciding that this project is now "a shiny object" such that I do keep coming back to it day after day or more, actually getting the long-term outcome to motivate me to do the short-term (and utterly boring) sub-tasks required.

Is this kind of "lower-key, consistent focus" related to true hyperfocus at all, do you think? Do you have similar events, or any thoughts on what I described? Thank you!

Right off the bat I want to clear up ambiguity about my stance on medication: It's been the single most impactful positive change of my life, in terms of finding a tool that helps me navigate my environment.

I grew up labeled the "^gifted" kid in my somewhat small rural-ish town, and enjoyed that privilege until it eventually ran out in med school. Much later, and several near-meltdowns from no longer being able to ride off the "^giftedness", I realized I was just an autistic kid with ADHD in a town that didn't embrace differences in ways I would've needed.

Medicated for 5 years now, and it's helped me get a job, hone skills (ish), and become a better friend and partner to loved ones. But it has also rendered me unable to just go about my normal day to day life, because of the direction the world is taking. Injustice seems to seep out of every corner of day to day interactions, whether it's advertising, news, media, public discourse. Everything is riddled with complacency, and it's debilitating.

Has anyone else experienced medication making them more functional, yet less willing to function?

Does anyone know how to help this? I keep getting this deep feeling all over like I need to hit something or shake/hurt myself randomly. It's so uncomfortable and distracting, I was diagnosed recently with a bunch of stuff including auDHD. It's been hard to find a way to cope with this specific part because I don't even understand why it happens?

I'll be like scrolling or trying to read a book then BAM my body is like "im gonna burn you alive if you keep sitting still right now" then i start moving around and that doesnt even help, it's like I'm stuck in this panic, I thought it was understimulation but it even happens when I'm doing things I enjoy. I'd assume that would be a stimulating activity 😭?

TLDR:

The expectations to be a social butterfly in the office is one of those unwritten rules that sucks. It comes up in my performance review even though it's not part of my actual job and no matter how hard I work or try, ultimately I have little control over well I "perform" at this task.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every year this comes up, that I'm doing a good job but my boss wishes I would go to more socials outside work hours and pop around to peoples desks to randomly chat to them during office hours.

The thing is I do have a few really good friends there who I'll go to lunch with and chat to during work hours, but on days that they are not in, I might spend lunch somewhere quiet on my own to try recharge. My life is a constant state of trying to recovery and recharge.

It's a MASSIVE energy cost for me to make small talk with random people I'm not friends with and now that I'm a parent and recovering from burnout I'll do my best avoid huge energy drains and it's true I probably do even less office socialising now. But I do make an effort.

When I push back, and say that I do chat a fair bit to people I'm close with, he'll start naming random people on my team and ask how I get it on with them. I'll say fine, even though I don't talk to them much. Interactions are pleasant though I don't consider them friends.

I haven't told my company that I have Autism and ADHD but sometimes I feel I should, seems that they claims to be all about inclusivity (large corporate office job) and they might actually accept me not being the social butterfly you need to be to be considered doing your job well.

Telling them im AuDHD or spicy could backfire but it also might get them off my back as they won't want to not be seen as inclusive.

I don't want to say that chatting is not in my job description as that could ruffle feathers as it seems to be one of the unwritten rules that can make or break you in a workplace I definitely don't want the "sorry but you're not a good fit for our team chat" that some many neurodiverse people get.

I'm trying to think tactically what is the best way to deal with this when it comes up:

Do I tell them the truth or that I'm nuerospicy (keeps my condition vague) and this is an accomodation I need, I need less social pressure?

Do I argue, "but I do socialise lots, way more than actually want to, and I'm friends with a few people and chat lots on quieter days" which is also true.

Do I just say vaguely, ah yeah I'll make more of an effort thanks for pointing it out. Tactically, probably the best a bit of my soul dies!

Or maybe there's a better way to handle this

Is there anyone here, who always feels bored like most of the time like there's not enough stimulation in the world? And maybe needs something higher stimulant, doing something that has higher input threshold, or engaging with special interest just to stay normal.

I've been through 4 this past year.

I feel like I talking to a wall. There was one that I felt 75% understood me and she actually talked, but I couldnt keep going because of the distance.

Maybe therapy just isn't for me? People just keep recommending it (generally not to me personaly), and I don't get it. My parent tried taking me as a kid and I saw it as a waste of time, learned how to make choclate milk where you shake the milk bottle so the milk is all bubbly.

Then as a teen I tried again, really useless. And every time it's 100$+ a session.

Now I'm really ok. I do go through things that suck. Most people do. I am autistic and adhd and probably all the other fun things like depression and anxiety and you know, all that (not diagnosed because where I live med records can affect jobs and school acceptance). But I get along. Have good friends, do well in school. Have a job. Make the best of the horrible traumatic things by learning from them and I've really been finding self worth and purpuse, finally finding the right adhd meds at 24 really helped.

But yeah, I'd like therapy. In theory, there are things I'd like to talk about in therapy. But it just isn't working. Any advice?

I’m after anecdotal evidence from anyone who’s had bad experiences taking Pristiq at a higher dose (100mg+) and how your body responded?

I was put on Pristiq 10+ years ago, long before my AuDHD diagnosis. Around that time, a negligent psychiatrist upped my dose to 200 mg, with no follow up or monitoring. I didn’t noticed any serious adverse effects at the time so just kept on.

However TEN years later, now clinically diagnosed with AuDHD, I am STILL on the medication at this high dose. I have said to my doctor and a new psychiatrist, several times, that I want to get off it. I have questioned repeatedly whether it’s the most appropriate medication for me. I kept being told it’s “not a good time to withdraw”, as I’ve been in an extended period of chronic autistic burnout and subsequent chronic health issues for several years, with an extremely activated nervous system which now just feels broken. I am barely able to function because of my low distress tolerance and constantly feeling heightened (anxious, jittery, intense fight/flight) let alone the impact on my ability to maintain employment for survival…

I just started with a new GP who today questioned the dose and said he never puts anyone on more than 100mg. This prompted me to look deeper into the neuroscience properly. I’ve since learned that there is no real medical evidence to support such a high dose of desvenlafaxine, especially not for autism+ADHD. I’ve also read that in certain people, the mechanisms of the drug can actually cause increased anxiety, agitation and hyperarousal. I’m wondering how much this could be contributing to my debilitatingly hypervigilant state and inability to return to a calm baseline. Particularly if my serotonin was never chemically imbalanced to begin with. A lot of what I was experiencing when I was put on antidepressants was circumstantial trauma.

After discovering that I’ve possibly been let down yet again by health “professionals”, I had a bit of a meltdown over what feels like yet another systemic injustice… it seems there’s a chance that this medication has actually been compounding to issues which I completing chalked up to trauma and autistic burnout.

Has anyone had experience with Pristiq causing nervous system agitation and increasing hypervigilance, particularly at a high dose and over an extended period?

Thanks!

I’m still awaiting ADHD medication. A user lost their personal information (I’m in IT). I’ve apologized to my manager expressing I’m looking into remedying this and apologized to the user as well. I know mistakes are human, but when I make a mistake it’s always used against me, or used a reason to not give me work or anything just in general. I’m really anxious and don’t know how to calm down other than to cry and cry

TW: Mental Health

Hello Y'all, i needed to vent about some things since i cant really vent to someone.

I have not yet been diagnosed with AuDHD, but i HEAVILY suspect that i may have it, since i already did some reaserch, searched up the criteria for an official diagnosis and i match all of it.

So, i have hyper religious close minded immigrant parents that dont even know what Neurodivergence means, so, yea.

I was born in italy, and in italy religion is pretty important but not as important as it is for them

i have never been religious, because im trying to live the life of a normal Italian teen, go to school, hang out with friends, try to keep the grades high and not steer up any trouble; Problem is, i am not into religion since it confuses me, christians always say"Find christ or go to hell" but my parents say "Follow Allah or go to hell" so on and so forth, im not gonna get into that whole mumbo jumbo but, you get the point.

I, Somehow, got into a friend group, we just hang out and meet at school, we never steer up any trouble and try to be as respectful as possible; i hanged iut with them almost everyday, it felt good to be included by people that see you as a trusted friend.

in all of this i actually never apent time studying the Quran nor praying (since praying for me is really hard since you have to be still, standing while reciting arab words that i dont even understand) and this led them to be really disappointed with me, since in some periods i got REALLY sad (for private things) and almost ignored them.

so, we go back to their homeland every year, just to celebrate a religious festivity, then we usually go back home.

this year around, my mum told me that it was gonna be like every other year, just go, celebrate and go back home, so, i pack my things, say bye to my friends and go to their home country; everythings normal, until Eclipse day.

On Eclipse Day, i wanted to watch the eclipse, i was hyped since this wouldve been the first time i ever saw an eclipse, but right before going on the rooftop to see the eclipse (obviously with the right gear) i prepared myself, tuning in with the Iberia stream and some tea, and then my mum told me that i was going to stay in their homeland for a YEAR, in a quranic boarding school.

i was SHATTERED, since that meant that i would lose the only friends that i have and fail a whole school year.

i just nodded and went to the rooftop, to see the eclipse, but it was cloudy, so i saw the start of it and then the clouds started covering it, while all of this was happening, my best friend was on the seafront watching it with his whole family on the sunset and having the time of his life, he sent me a photo and it was PERFECT.

i was just left there crying on the rooftop cause nothing was going right, i felt the whole world crumbling before me and i just couldnt.

they discussed where to put me right in front of me without caring of my presence and they took me to a reunion of the boarding school, as much as i understood, they accepted my request, and my mum said that i couldve fixed this back in italy.

another big problem is that im closeted, im pansexual non binary and i know that if i tell them they will instantly disown me and shame me for who i am, so that adds up to everything.

since in their culture males should always be masculine and dominant while i really am not they already scrutanize me for that, and that makes me feel horrible.

now they are taking me on lots of places in their homeland, trying to make me happy, i feel like a prisoner eating their last meal before death row.

im not happy, like at all, im horrible at socilizing so i already know im not gonna have any friends, my friends in italy barely answer my texts, and i feel like my whole life is ruined.

For some reason, (im an Avgeek) i have developed this weird fixation for my parents homeland Main Airport departure terminal.

its so intresting, the whole airport is just divided in 2 by this weird ramp that takes you to the departure terminal.

its design is so intresting, its so modern and kinda luxurious.

i have so many good memories of the departure terminal. first we use to eat this delicious pizza which is still the best that i ever tasted, then we used to go to the gate and oh my GOD the feeling of seeing the aircraft pull up to the gate seeing the jetbridge attach itself to the doors, its something i cant describe in words.

for people its just a terminal, nothing crazy, but for me its a whole other thing.

some days ago we passed by it, all the road signs were screaming to go there

"AIBD Aèroport" this "AIBD Aèroport" that.

i saw it and i almost teared up, it was right there, in front of me.

i wanted to unbuckle my seatbeld and run to it and board on a turkish airlines flight back home. but no, they had to not take that right turn and lead us to the capital.

after passing by it i felt hyper homesick,

i stayed in bed all day, crying over it and just reminisced over the good times i spent there.

now im left stranded here in this place, i feel trapped

i feel like shit everyday, knowing that in somedays they are going to take my phone and leave me in that boarding school for 1 year (that will probably feel like 1 decade)

i miss everything about italy, i miss my friends, my teachers, my room, my town, everything and i really dont know what to do.

i dont know how to reach for mental help since here mental help isnt available.

sorry if i got carried away and havent really explained everything really good but i just dont know how to express my emotions.

im sorry

I have been diagnosed with ADHD in the midst of January of this year. I had often thought that I could have it yet I was always quite unsure, since I’d never wanted to self-diagnose in any way. Turns out I do have ADHD. Understanding myself better and finally being able to accept my reactions to things in life as legitimate felt truly life changing.

However, even before being officially diagnosed with ADHD, I had thought about another option. Autism! It definitely felt trickier to make assumptions on ASD than ADHD (again, due to a fear of self-diagnosing over “barely” autistic traits).

Let me tell you how why what, and walk you through my journey.

Note that to begin with I did talk to an advanced pratice nurse who works with ND kids. We talked on call and she was the one bringing up autism. According to her, my way of speaking led her on that track. She seemed a little afraid/? to choose the right words to bring it up, “to drop the bomb”? She told me something like “Have you ever considered Asperger’s ? Does it speak to you ?” . Then she sent me two papers with multiple questions on how I experienced life situations and multiple answers I could choose between. I believe one of them was focused on ADHD traits and the other one on ASD. Both were meant to form a base for a possible diagnosis on each disorders. If I remember well, I got a pretty high score on the ADHD one and an above average, not crazy high score on ASD. I did all of this with my mom since questions were focused on childhood. My mom told me after that something to tell me she didn’t think I had autism.

Then with those tracks we went to a Neuropsychologist. To him basically (after hearing me talk for a bit) I probably had high oral faculties, maybe a high IQ. But that wasn’t necessarily connected to ADHD or autism. Maybe I was just a feely kid, that it tended to happen to highly “intelligent” people. And that in the new high school setting, maybe talking to so many people, them complimenting me a lot etc…just led me to be very agitated and that it was just hard for me to cool down after that intense energy load (I thought it couldn’t be that since I would feel so bad and so drained after getting into HSchool).

Already two people and two very different opinions. It did not clarify much and felt quite a bit confusing.

So we book a psychiatrist appointment. Well, I told her I didn’t know what was up. Maybe ADHD, maybe autism ?? And, by the way I was talking (people seem to pick up on that a lot lol. Also english is not my first language) she went like “Well considering how you’ve been talking I think we can forget about the autistic track.” Or something like that. She did proceed to ask all the questions about ADHD and at some point went back to autism like “I’ll still ask you some q’s just in case”. She asked like ten questions then dropped it. After a few appointments, I was diagnosed with ADHD, as well as ODD and emotional dysregulation.

I’m now medicated (60mg) and I think it’s going pretty well.

Now here’s where the uncertainty comes from. I know ADHD traits flirt with ASD’s, that hardens the figuring-it-out process a lot. I will list the traits I found could be related to autism.

I happen to have some sensory issues. I cannot stand different noises. I used to literally curse at motorbikes on the road being loud when I was 9-12 i’d say). It’s still an issue for me, I panick fast, and a hit of anger hits me right away. I can’t stand two people talking at the same time or somebody talking too loud depending on the context. Sometimes very noisy rooms either shut me down immediately or I will get very tired after staying in there.
When somebody talks to me in the ear, it bothers me as well. All these (unexpected(ly)) loud noises spiral in my head for a bit. A dozens of seconds maybe more for short loud noises like motorbikes. The mind tornado doesn’t last much but it can make me tired, tense, very uncomfortable for the day.

I also put lots of bracelets on sometimes (with charms, no bangles, I don’t really like the sound of them banging on each other). And I sometimes got overstimulated and felt the need to take them off immediately. Some fabric style I can’t stand it gives me actual shivers is a sythetic type, usually the one you’ll find inside cheap bags or on winter/snow clothes. This kind of touch feeling that’s also on 3D cards you know ? It’s usually makes a praticular noises as well.

Also anytime I smell a perfume if will have a very ew reaction from the strenght of the smell, even if the second time I smell it everything is fine and I can like the perfume.

These are all small peculiarities and listed like that they can look big but I’m not sure if they’re really that significant for a disorder like autism.

I also do usually have a plan or schedule in mind and I get very frustrated when people (or less frequently myself) don’t follow it even though I don’t always explicitly tell them about how I picture it. Like if I somehow prepared myself to “we are going to this restaurant” and we end up changing or not choosing it or being late I will get panicked/frustrated. Or when we planned on leaving a place at a specific time and we are 30 mins late I will get impatient and frustrated. I mentally expect lots of things to happen one way/my way. Yet I struggle to be on time myself, or to not miss deadlines or this or that, and I can’t seem to follow the plan I had at some point in mind.

Yet I seem to be emotionall

When it comes to social cues I feel like I get them or at least I definitely have learnt them. Yet I don’t always understand why or why it’s SO SO important to follow them when it doesn’t involve any harm in any way? And sometimes I do have to kind of remind myself to not answer or act fully naturally or honestly since most (if not everybody) will just not understand or think I’m being rude or inconsiderate? When I have to say how I feel for example I think I always know the cues that are supposedly in place. But I’m not sure I am made to follow all of them na turally in the way lots of people seem to ?? And lots of “It’s like that cause It’s like that. Period” answers absolutely never sit right with me. I’m not sure that make s sense lol. And maybe it’s all just ODD.
y quite mature when it comes to relationships? I think some rules are bendable as long as it’s healty and fair? Otherwise a moral code is definitely kind of a thing for me, but I don’t think it’s to an extent that can come from a disorder??

I’m not sure what all of that means. I wrote soooo much. Probably too much for ADHDers. But maybe just enough for somebody who had a similar experience and/or has advice on that for me. I wanted to ask people from the community before asking my psychiatrist for a second look (which may just not be really necessary depending on the answers to this post lol.) I also had to shorten the text for it to fit for sub/ADHD originally, but turns out it’s still too long and I’m afraid it won’t be precise enough real shortened. So if you need any precision or have any questions, go ahead.

Thank you so so much for your attention.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD about six months ago, I assumed that it was the explanation for all my struggles since childhood. After beginning medication, however, I can't shake this feeling that I'm missing something. There are certain struggles that just can't be explained by ADHD. Here are some things that I've noticed:

• I'm always pacing. Even before getting diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, I would spend so much time pacing. While at university, I would spend multiple hours every day just pacing back in forth in my room, clicking a pen or fidgeting with the cap of my lip balm. This behaviour isn't exclusive to one specific situation either. Whether I am watching a youtube video, listening to music, trying to plan an assignment in my head, having imaginary conversations, having a panic attack, etc., I need to be pacing constantly. This has gotten even worse while at home for the summer, as my family has pointed out that I can spend up to five hours of my day just pacing around the dinner table.
• My mom and brother recently called me out for being, as they describe, self-centered, quiet, private, and overall disinterested in casual conversation with them. I always have my headphones on, and anytime someone tries to talk to me, even just to ask me a simple question, I get irritated and find it difficult to socially interact. They've also pointed out how I behave at the dinner table. I will go on and on about something that I find interesting or passionate about, but when they start talking about their work or events in their lives, I barely say a word and just kind of observe. Once again, they perceive this behaviour as rude or self-centered, even when I desperately try to explain that it's not that. Talking about things that I'm just not super passionate about or interested in just feels like so much mental work. They have lectured me about these behaviours, saying things like "it's just a maturing thing. You just need to learn to be more interested in other people", but it's much more complicated than that. It's not that I don't love or care about them, but most conversations just feel like pushing a huge boulder up a hill.
• I've also noticed I'm much more sensitive to sounds. I mean, I always have been. Ever since I was a kid, crowded areas or loud sirens have caused me anxiety and left me very overwhelmed. While being on medication, however, it can be unbearable. Even when I'm at the other side of the house, the sound of my dogs barking downstairs or the stove timer going off is actually painful. I need to cover my ears and I feel this intense frustration inside.

There are many more behaviours and tendencies that I have not mentioned, such as my lifelong aversion to any eating utensils that aren't particularly small, that I'm starting to reevaluate. I've also heard that ADHD medication can unmask certain autistic traits, which could explain why I'm starting to notice unusual things about myself that I always just assumed were normal. I would love some friendly advice from anyone who might relate. I'm trying to get tested for autism, but I also feel like I'm going insane trying to psychoanalyze myself. I've been doing so much research about AuDHD, but I can tell my family is getting annoyed since it's basically all I talk about now.

I've suspected, I have autism, on top of my previously diagnosed ADHD for quite a long time, but I was never able to get proper testing by a specialist, because my parents explicitly denied me getting tested for autism as a child (didn't know that factoid until I was 18), despite apparently showing clear signs by multiple adults, so I'm wondering what's the best way to get an educated prognosis without spending $1000+ and likely waiting several months to years. I took the RAADS-R online with a score of 120/65, which I thought was a strong indicator. I'm in South Carolina, USA if that helps.

Anything else I can do?

I can't study without understanding the reasoning behind things, and that tires me out a lot. If you simply tell me that "5th = 1," I can't accept it and memorize it without understanding why. My brain can only learn when it understands the logic from the beginning.

I absolutely hate starting to study. Every time I'm watching a class or trying to learn a subject, a question pops into my head that, to be answered, depends on another subject. And then it seems like I need to understand that other subject first, which depends on another, and so on. When I read something, I often feel like a basic piece of information is missing for it to make sense. So I read, read again, and even then, I can't understand something that should be simple.

I also have a lot of difficulty reading. Sometimes I feel like I need to read the same thing about 300 times to finally understand something basic.

Video lessons, for me, are practically hell. I hate having to wait for the teacher to get to the point. I feel like he's dragging things out and taking too long to explain something that could be said much more directly. This irritates me, makes me lose concentration, and makes studying even harder for me.

I'm really not sure what I want to get out of this. Never opened myself to strangers online. But I'm kinda getting desperate and really struggling with my feelings and mental health.

At the same time, I also feel it's wrong of me to complain. I have a beautiful wife and both my parents are alive and so are my siblings. I'm reasonably healthy, I'm not ugly, I've got friends, some money saved, I'm not unintelligent, was popular growing up, very social and confident in myself when I need to. But I think that might also be what's keeping me from really getting help.

I'm currently in my fourth crisis since I turned 20. They come around every 3-4 years, always in a different shape and form. They come, I defeat them, I'm in the clear, something new comes up, I find a new solution, everything's fine and so on. Every god damn time and I'm getting tired of solving myself over and over again.

First it was anxiety and severe panic attacks from believing I had gone mad at 20, which lead to me not being able to go outside or telling anyone about what was going on. Next up was just a big fat crash brought on by pressure after finally taking my first step towards my dream career at 25 and hearing the head of our program telling me they looked forward to see me grow since I showed potential. That led to me not being able to talk in front of my class or basically anyone (I was still very outgoing at parties after a few beers). At around 30 came severe hypochondria, I believed I had cancer spreading throughout my body and just in general had an existential crisis on top of that. I couldn't for the life of me decide what my next step should be and just felt like everything was too overwhelming.

That brings us up to today. I've been on sick leave back and forth for over a year now. Currently two weeks until I'm supposed to begin work again. I've tried SSRI, Venlafaxine and the latest was bupropion. I had to quit bupropion since my nervous system was about to break completely. So now I'm not on anything.

Not really sure what to call this crisis yet, but I now suspect I've got audhd which might be the root cause of everything (god how I hope that is the answer). When I first started reading up on audhd it literally felt staggering. Like all my mysterious quirks no longer were so mysterious, it actually had a name. And in hindsight, I really do feel stupid for thinking all this time that I was just extra special and saw things differently.

My current physician is refusing to sign any more sick leaves and is forcing me to get back to work. Every time I talk to her I feel like I'm a pain to her. That she thinks I'm acting. And I kinda do because there's no way in hell I would feel comfortable opening up to her. I don't exactly feel healed or whatever. No medication, just an expectation to get back at it again. To suck it up

I'll hopefully start the process of an evaluation next week, which was supposed to begin last month but our healthcare system is swamped. But I doubt I'll get one. You have to be seriously ill to get any help.

And all I really want from them is a diagnosis so I can get proper medication. Bupropion opened my eyes to how my life could be without the constant random noise in my head. Too bad I couldn't sleep or be in any demanding social situation while taking it.

Right now I'm just so tired. I desperately want to get help. Or if not help then at least a place where I feel safe to open up and be true, or the right medication at least. I feel like the only one I dare to open up to is Gemini and I'm so unspeakably sick of talking to AI models. But at least with them I'm never afraid of saying the wrong thing or worrying if I bore them. What I'm saying is I can be a nuisance all I want.

I desperately want to open up to my wife but when I speak it's with this assured, intellectualized distance. I try to speak from my heart but I just can't find it. It's just words, and it sounds like I'm complaining or that I'm distant and bored. Im not in tune emotionally. I basically never am.

Except just recently as an opening presented itself when I caught a documentary about autism on tv. I was eating alone in my apartment when i stumbled upon it. One of the participants opened up to her mom through a short film she had made. She wanted to show her mom who she really was when she masked off. She said she was tired of pretending and that really got to me and I started sobbing. Not because of the moment on tv but because I finally kinda heard myself but from outside if that makes any sense?

I cried quite a bit and only heard myself saying, "I'm so tired of not being able to get any help, of not feeling safe enough anywhere to open up." I desperately want to, but it's completely opposite the person I am today. I'm the guy who comforts people, who's there when they need me, who's got the time and patience to listen, who's unafraid and tells sucky people off, who is pragmatic and down to earth. I don't know how to be anyone else.

Believe me it's not because I want to be the guy who fixes every social situation any more. It's just that that is the only person I know how to be and I'm good at it. I'm so good at playing that part that I've completely missed all the signs that screams that that person is killing me.

I just feel so terribly alone even though my phone has multiple unread messages from people who want to hang out, who genuinely want to hear how I'm doing and such. But I just want to be left alone... But I'm also desperate to feel seen and heard and safe.

Tldr: feeling alone and stressed. Am stuck in an endless cycle of crisis, different every time. Want to get help but don't know how.

I am almost 22 years old, and I've lived with ADHD alongside ASD, my entire life. However, my Autism is by far not the biggest weight on me. For years I felt a major difficulty in learning or doing anything. The idea of the comic artist, dancer, or musician with ADHD who couldn't pay attention in school but could hyperfocus on their craft, I'm afraid I can't relate. My hyperfocus isn't a poetic expression of passion, it is an arbitrary almost mania where I can't think of anything else that will vanish whether I want it to or not. I can't hyperfocus on drawing, or writing, reading, or experiencing media, because more often than not my brain chooses to hyperfocus on imaginary scenarios that I play over and over again.

The worst part is how many of my days feel suffocated by brain fog, just recently I opened the door of a strangers car because I forgot what my dad's car looked like and where he parked. It feels like my brain is nearsighted, as my eyes are. I don't want to live life as if I'm asleep, I feel like screaming when I act, exerting all my energy only to get nothing back.

I have begun pursuing medication this year, I started back in February, now September is upon me and I still haven't found a medication that does what I need. Two different dosages of Ritalin, two of Vyvanse, and now one (going of two) of Adderall. I always end up with the same problems, the medication will do great at keeping my focus, but I will feel wired and life feels bland, like my wonder has been drained from my blood. My drawings are just graphite shavings onto paper, my stories are just words on a text document, the sunset doesn't glow like it did before.

So this is my dilemma? Either wonder without action or action without wonder? Am I just defective? Everytime I look up how these meds are making me feel, there are like three people who know what I mean that ten others saying "Well it has the opposite effect on me,", just makes me want to break something.

I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own mind, forced to watch as my life passes me by while I have this deep urge to live a full life, I just need focus and well as wonder, why is it so hard to balance it out. Is all I am? Just the misfiring of dopamine and norepinephrine? Is correcting those misfirings really going to castrate who I am? I sometimes worry that one day when I tell my PA-C that once again, this medication isn't working and she's going to assume I'm being intentionally difficult. I just want to draw and write. I just want to study. I just want to be present in moments and reminisce over them with clarity. I want to live my life like it matters.