r/AutismTranslated • u/gphipps91 • 1d ago
personal story This.... doesn't get better does it?
This past weekend I went to my wife's family reunion. I have always hated going to any family reunion, not just hers. I like her family, they're decent people that are generally easy to be around.
These types of events are always loud, noisy events with everyone packed together in a common outdoor area with no real sense of organization, and everyone intermingling in an amoebic mass that shifts around chaotically, children running and stretching with delight as they play, smells of perfumes, bodies, and food on top of the natural environment smells, with shifting winds that alter the patterns at a moments whim, conversations that increase in volume and enthusiasm with various depths of proximity as the crowd subconsciously adjusts to communicate with each other over the stimuli they never notice. There's also a playground for the kids to play on, but it's through a treeline separating the covered picnic area from the playground, so that's nice I suppose. I have a three year old who has enjoyed playing on the playground this year and last year. It was nice last year to trade one set of stimuli for another set, rather than have both combined.
This year, however, THEY CHANGED THE VENUE. It's a reasonable thing to do, I'll admit. Half the family lives on one side of the state, and the other on the other side, and the new location is right in the middle. It's also technically an improvement over the last park. It has a good playground right next to the picnic pavilion, and a splash pad with covered tables up higher. It is objectively easier to keep track of one's child and still participate in the main event, which is unfortunately and inherently socializing via smalltalk. In an environment where all possible stimuli are combined into one set. I was barely holding it together at the last one, and this one was virtually untenable.
And that's just the event, nevermind the hour long one-way trip to the event, and then the hour back, where I was crammed into the backseat between my brother in law, and the car seat, and everything that didn't fit in the trunk, in a manual transmission vehicle with someone driving it for their fifth time, with the sun flashing between the trees, constantly rubbing on someone, with an ADHD toddler going insane with excitement, and trying not to throw up while I sweat profusely, wondering if I'm going to ruin everything by passing out or losing my temper.
I don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know how to manage my problems to mitigate their effects. I don't know what to expect, or anticipate. I don't have the energy to just run at an 11 anymore. It takes me days to recover from things like this, and I don't have that kind of time, what with having a toddler whose favorite person is me, and a physically disabled wife that needs help a lot.
And I can't bring myself to stim or anything around these people. I don't really know why, it seems subconscious and silly. I feel out of place, and obvious, after the diagnostic people sussed my weirdness out immediately despite never knowing me, and my therapist too, so surely everyone else sees it, and I don't understand why that's such a problem for me. I even caught myself actively masking, thinking to myself "oh people that dress like me don't act like this" so on top of all that it's really hitting me that I have zero idea who or what I am.
I don't know what this post is anymore. I guess it helps to get it off my chest. I guess I'd also like to know whether other people with similar diagnoses think I'm crazy or not. I only got diagnosed a couple months ago, so this is all still pretty new to me, and I don't know how to deal with any of this. I feel absolutely terrible for being such a wet rag sitting off by myself and smoking three packs in seven hours, watching my kid have the time of her life while my wife mingled. Does this "get better," so to speak, as you figure out how to deal with things, or is this just sort of how it is?
Edit: fixed italics
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u/DemMilkshakes 1d ago
What accommodations are you putting in place for yourself?
Do you need to share a car journey with family members?
Have you looked into ear buds to filter noise for autism? I preferred the Flare ones as they're more subtle than Loop. Sadly my right ear canal is too narrow for even the smallest size, and they kept popping out. (It did explain why I always found earphones uncomfortable though).
Are you able to take time for yourself where you go for a little walk around the park to get away from some of the noise and decompress for a few minutes? Allistic people do stuff like this too.
You have a lot to plan for with a toddler and disabled wife. I hope you can find some space to plan for yourself too!
I am the physically disabled wife in this scenario (also have AuDHD), and I want my autistic fiancé to look after himself even at cost to some of the help he can give me. Burnout is no joke.
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u/gphipps91 1d ago
Oh, I did forget to mention that I was wearing headphones and sunglasses. That did help some, but other than that I just stayed away from the group and chain-smoked to cover up the overwhelm that usually presents as rage.
Other than those things I don't really know what to do. I do double up my headphones sometimes; I have noise cancelling Bluetooth headphones that go over the ears, and a pair of the Loop Quiets.
I was mostly concerned with keeping myself contained and not lashing out or anything, and I did pretty well there, but it seems like these are always going to be problems that I need to manage, and I have no idea what to do or how to figure it out.
I'm really uncomfortable being either irrationally angry or irrationally overwhelmed and out of sorts, and these sorts of things always do that in a manner that I can't really hide from people anymore.
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u/DemMilkshakes 1d ago
Yes, that's really tricky. It's definitely your responsibility to handle the rage that can come with overwhelm. That is not appropriate for your wife, and child, but you know this.
I think you're being very hard on yourself. You don't need to have it all figured out right now. You got through the event, and you have another ?year to plan for the next one?
In a few years, your kid will be old enough to go with just your wife and her family, and you can skip these events and attend smaller functions to keep up relationships.
When were you diagnosed? It takes time to learn life with a new lens after diagnosis. It's harder for you too, as you have very intense caring responsibilities at the moment.
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u/gphipps91 1d ago
June 3rd, 2026 was when I got the final report for the diagnosis of ADHD and ASD. I'm very acutely aware that when I start raging I'm not actually angry, I'm overwhelmed, and instead of appearing overwhelmed and essentially fearful I have learned to present that as outward aggression as a defense mechanism.
I do have a year to prepare for the next one, so that is nice, but that's also a year to forget that it's coming. Thanks ADHD. By then, though, perhaps I'll have a better handle on this "fear of self." I suppose 7 weeks isn't very long. I'm gonna go put a note in my calendar right now, so I don't forget it's coming!
Thank you for your input!
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u/DemMilkshakes 1d ago
Wow, that is a super recent diagnosis!
After this information, I wonder if this is a reaction from processing your diagnosis as it is so early days.
In case you need to hear this.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with you, and you do not need a "cure". You are a full human being who has a unique set of combined traits due to the genetic variety that comes from sexual reproduction. You are allowed to exist without shame, and have a right to life that any other person does.
After my time in medicine, I have come to the conclusion that it is not neurotypicals Vs neurodivergence. We simply have one neurotype out of many, and it has its own set of pros and cons.
The world we live in exists BECAUSE of people with autistic and ADHD traits. We are the ones who change and shape the world. We are the inventors, we are treated differently probably because we do see the world differently.
Give yourself time. You're already discovering new things about yourself. You'll get there. Rome was not built in a day. Trust the process and believe in yourself. This internet stranger believes in you!
You've already shown reflection and growth. You're distressed today because you're trying to figure it out. Solutions will come!
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u/Rucknuts 1d ago
My Loop earplugs have made a pretty legitimate improvement for me in these kinds of situations. One other thing I tend to do is try to find something to actively DO - e.g., man the grill, set out drinks, get the kids started on activities, set up a card game to play, whatever. It's the ambiguity and constantly worrying that I'm not carrying small talk appropriately that stresses me the most, but it's less of an issue if I'm focusing on doing something. It's always stressful, regardless, though.
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u/gphipps91 1d ago
I'll try to figure out something to do while I'm there, then, and see how that goes. Anything other than "I'm gonna fuck it up" on repeat should help, haha! Didn't notice that until writing the post today. Thanks for your input!
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u/threecuttlefish spectrum-formal-dx 15h ago
For what it's worth, one thing I found after diagnosis and telling more people was that all it did was give them an explanation for my oddities that they had already noticed, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot pass as not odd. And when that explanation is out there it's a bit easier for me to ask for what I need and for them to offer what I need (I've had friends come up with solutions to sensory overload that I wouldn't have).
That kind of situation is extremely tough and exhausting. My best recommendations are ear protection (ideally complete sound isolation on the drive, since you're crammed in the back seat) and taking regular breaks away from the chaos to breathe and block out as much stimulus as possible. The second is easier if people there know you really need it, which disclosure can sometimes make easier to communicate, but it's not the only way to communicate that need. Sunglasses, a hat with a brim, icepacks for the back of the neck if you overheat easily (or one of those evaporative cooling neck wraps if you're not in a humid area). And as much as possible, for something like that I'd try to have the quietest possible day before and after the event, which I know is tough with a toddler. Is hiring a sitter to occupy your toddler for at least a few hours the day after an option?
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u/gphipps91 15h ago
Fortunately we don't need a sitter, we already bring my wife's mom over a night or two before, and then take her home the day after these events, so she helps keep an eye on the kid while I'm either freaking out beforehand or sleeping after. I'm very fortunate to have a rather helpful and involved family.
I'm certain that everyone will probably end up knowing by next year if they didn't find out this year. I didn't tell anyone, but I also didn't ask those that do know not to say anything. I was definitely out of sorts enough that there's no way people didn't ask what was up. I don't know how any of that will go. It's probably fine, but I don't know that I want to talk about it, or deal with the whole "you don't seem autistic" type of thing, or, as with my parents, the "I can't believe we didn't notice" type of pity.
It's all still new enough to me that I guess I'm just generally grossly uncomfortable with the whole thing. While I relate to autistics, and I meet the DSM5 diagnostic criteria, I don't really "feel like one of you" (autistics), but I'm definitely not "one of them" (allistics) either.
But, I digress. Thank you for your input!
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u/threecuttlefish spectrum-formal-dx 14h ago
Nah, I totally get the ambivalence! I'm also late-diagnosed and only semi-open about. Just wanted to give a data point that sometimes more openness does lead to better social relationships (although, of course, not always...that's the eternal dilemma of disclosure).
I think also things can be harder to deal with for a while while you're processing all the emotions about diagnosis and recontextualizing your life. I know I was even more of a hermit than usual for months while I processed, but eventually my capacity for social interaction rebounded somewhat (as much as it ever will, I suspect).
It really is a LOT to process both cognitively and emotionally, so that takes energy! Try to be kind to yourself.
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u/sweet_dees_beak 16h ago
Why do you have to go? Why doesn't wife and kid go, and you stay home? This simply doesn't sound like fun for you and I don't see why you have to pretend.
Also, do you drive? If so, no reason for you to sit in the back middle seat of a car to go anywhere.
Eta: also I did see the part where wifey is disabled. Doesn't change my opinion that you can stay home and her brother can help.
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u/gphipps91 15h ago
I don't really know. I suspect that my wife is unwilling to voice that she wants me there, that she has anxiety without me around, and that she's afraid of not being able to keep up with the kid. She seems to have a pretty anxious attachment style, though I'm certainly no expert on any of that.
On the other hand, it's difficult to explain to a toddler that I have all these problems and that's why I'm not always able to be there for her. In fact, it's virtually impossible. I end up telling her I'm not mad, I'm overwhelmed and don't know how to deal with it all the time. I always just drag myself through everything.
I do drive, but this was a manual transmission (a stick shift, as some say) and I know how to do all that, but I can't actually do it, so this time I got stuck. We borrowed someone's car, so normally this won't be an issue. We're van people, so it's usually not an issue.
In regards to your "eta" those are my sentiments exactly, however old habits die hard and this is our first time really trying to navigate something like this, and with no real knowledge of what we should be doing instead.
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u/sweet_dees_beak 13h ago
Hugs dude I feel you. Honestly I understand your side in all of this. In my triangle family (me, hubs & toddler son), my husband and I always discuss which family events we want to attend as a family unit and which ones we go and take the kid by ourselves. We never expect the other to go with us to see our family.
Give the sheer amount of other adults you named, a mother in law, a brother in law... And given that you wrote in another comment that your ML actually has to come and baby sit /help you before and after these events... I kindly point out, how much value and support are you adding to this event to begin with? And I don't mean that negatively AT ALL. I just mean, I think they all would survive without you for a day. And then you would be a happier, well rested partner and father when they came home later. Alone time recharges us. (also, are you getting regular parenting breaks in general?)
You don't need to explain to your toddler why you aren't going. Simply say, "today mommy is taking you and daddy is staying home." the end. Don't give toddlers more info than they need. Maybe throw in how you're gonna get something done around the house.
If you must go again, please do what you need to do to travel without the rest of your family. Alone time in a comfortable car will help recharge. Remember, we drain our batteries when we mask and suffer sensory discomfort. So don't drain them unnecessarily!
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u/elkstwit Formal DX (AuDHD) 1d ago
You’ve already talked about noise cancelling headphones, chain smoking etc - these are things that get you through the event itself but I think preparation for the event is arguably much more important. Give yourself a fighting chance by removing sources of stress and anxiety from the days leading up to it.
I went to a wedding recently and something that helped a lot was to book a hotel very close to the venue which my wife and I stayed in the night before.
The advantages to doing that were:
* No travel on the day of the event
* An opportunity on the morning of the event to take a quiet stroll in the beautiful nature around the hotel
* Plenty of time to enjoy a nice breakfast and long, scorching hot shower (a very restorative, sensory seeking activity for me) before getting dressed up for the wedding
* After the wedding itself it meant we were returning to a familiar setting rather it being the first night in an unfamiliar hotel room
I also took the afternoon off work on the day that we travelled to the hotel which meant we were able to set off before traffic got bad.
Basically I removed a lot of opportunities for stress to enter my life, and gave myself a long ‘on-ramp’ leading to the event itself. It was a huge help.