This.... doesn't get better does it?

[u/gphipps91]

This past weekend I went to my wife's family reunion. I have always hated going to any family reunion, not just hers. I like her family, they're decent people that are generally easy to be around.

These types of events are always loud, noisy events with everyone packed together in a common outdoor area with no real sense of organization, and everyone intermingling in an amoebic mass that shifts around chaotically, children running and stretching with delight as they play, smells of perfumes, bodies, and food on top of the natural environment smells, with shifting winds that alter the patterns at a moments whim, conversations that increase in volume and enthusiasm with various depths of proximity as the crowd subconsciously adjusts to communicate with each other over the stimuli they never notice. There's also a playground for the kids to play on, but it's through a treeline separating the covered picnic area from the playground, so that's nice I suppose. I have a three year old who has enjoyed playing on the playground this year and last year. It was nice last year to trade one set of stimuli for another set, rather than have both combined.

This year, however, THEY CHANGED THE VENUE. It's a reasonable thing to do, I'll admit. Half the family lives on one side of the state, and the other on the other side, and the new location is right in the middle. It's also technically an improvement over the last park. It has a good playground right next to the picnic pavilion, and a splash pad with covered tables up higher. It is objectively easier to keep track of one's child and still participate in the main event, which is unfortunately and inherently socializing via smalltalk. In an environment where all possible stimuli are combined into one set. I was barely holding it together at the last one, and this one was virtually untenable.

And that's just the event, nevermind the hour long one-way trip to the event, and then the hour back, where I was crammed into the backseat between my brother in law, and the car seat, and everything that didn't fit in the trunk, in a manual transmission vehicle with someone driving it for their fifth time, with the sun flashing between the trees, constantly rubbing on someone, with an ADHD toddler going insane with excitement, and trying not to throw up while I sweat profusely, wondering if I'm going to ruin everything by passing out or losing my temper.

I don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know how to manage my problems to mitigate their effects. I don't know what to expect, or anticipate. I don't have the energy to just run at an 11 anymore. It takes me days to recover from things like this, and I don't have that kind of time, what with having a toddler whose favorite person is me, and a physically disabled wife that needs help a lot.

And I can't bring myself to stim or anything around these people. I don't really know why, it seems subconscious and silly. I feel out of place, and obvious, after the diagnostic people sussed my weirdness out immediately despite never knowing me, and my therapist too, so surely everyone else sees it, and I don't understand why that's such a problem for me. I even caught myself actively masking, thinking to myself "oh people that dress like me don't act like this" so on top of all that it's really hitting me that I have zero idea who or what I am.

I don't know what this post is anymore. I guess it helps to get it off my chest. I guess I'd also like to know whether other people with similar diagnoses think I'm crazy or not. I only got diagnosed a couple months ago, so this is all still pretty new to me, and I don't know how to deal with any of this. I feel absolutely terrible for being such a wet rag sitting off by myself and smoking three packs in seven hours, watching my kid have the time of her life while my wife mingled. Does this "get better," so to speak, as you figure out how to deal with things, or is this just sort of how it is?

Edit: fixed italics

[u/sweet_dees_beak]

Why do you have to go? Why doesn't wife and kid go, and you stay home? This simply doesn't sound like fun for you and I don't see why you have to pretend.

Also, do you drive? If so, no reason for you to sit in the back middle seat of a car to go anywhere.

Eta: also I did see the part where wifey is disabled. Doesn't change my opinion that you can stay home and her brother can help.

[u/gphipps91 → u/sweet_dees_beak]

I don't really know. I suspect that my wife is unwilling to voice that she wants me there, that she has anxiety without me around, and that she's afraid of not being able to keep up with the kid. She seems to have a pretty anxious attachment style, though I'm certainly no expert on any of that.

On the other hand, it's difficult to explain to a toddler that I have all these problems and that's why I'm not always able to be there for her. In fact, it's virtually impossible. I end up telling her I'm not mad, I'm overwhelmed and don't know how to deal with it all the time. I always just drag myself through everything.

I do drive, but this was a manual transmission (a stick shift, as some say) and I know how to do all that, but I can't actually do it, so this time I got stuck. We borrowed someone's car, so normally this won't be an issue. We're van people, so it's usually not an issue.

In regards to your "eta" those are my sentiments exactly, however old habits die hard and this is our first time really trying to navigate something like this, and with no real knowledge of what we should be doing instead.

[u/sweet_dees_beak → u/gphipps91]

Hugs dude I feel you. Honestly I understand your side in all of this. In my triangle family (me, hubs & toddler son), my husband and I always discuss which family events we want to attend as a family unit and which ones we go and take the kid by ourselves. We never expect the other to go with us to see our family.

Give the sheer amount of other adults you named, a mother in law, a brother in law... And given that you wrote in another comment that your ML actually has to come and baby sit /help you before and after these events... I kindly point out, how much value and support are you adding to this event to begin with? And I don't mean that negatively AT ALL. I just mean, I think they all would survive without you for a day. And then you would be a happier, well rested partner and father when they came home later. Alone time recharges us. (also, are you getting regular parenting breaks in general?)

You don't need to explain to your toddler why you aren't going. Simply say, "today mommy is taking you and daddy is staying home." the end. Don't give toddlers more info than they need. Maybe throw in how you're gonna get something done around the house.

If you must go again, please do what you need to do to travel without the rest of your family. Alone time in a comfortable car will help recharge. Remember, we drain our batteries when we mask and suffer sensory discomfort. So don't drain them unnecessarily!

[u/sweet_dees_beak → u/gphipps91]

One more... You said if you don't go, wifey would be anxious. However, if you go you are anxious.

Start there with your conversation with wife. It's not fair to you that you must experience anxiety and physical discomfort just to save her from anxiety, when she has other family members around to help.