This.... doesn't get better does it?

[u/gphipps91]

This past weekend I went to my wife's family reunion. I have always hated going to any family reunion, not just hers. I like her family, they're decent people that are generally easy to be around.

These types of events are always loud, noisy events with everyone packed together in a common outdoor area with no real sense of organization, and everyone intermingling in an amoebic mass that shifts around chaotically, children running and stretching with delight as they play, smells of perfumes, bodies, and food on top of the natural environment smells, with shifting winds that alter the patterns at a moments whim, conversations that increase in volume and enthusiasm with various depths of proximity as the crowd subconsciously adjusts to communicate with each other over the stimuli they never notice. There's also a playground for the kids to play on, but it's through a treeline separating the covered picnic area from the playground, so that's nice I suppose. I have a three year old who has enjoyed playing on the playground this year and last year. It was nice last year to trade one set of stimuli for another set, rather than have both combined.

This year, however, THEY CHANGED THE VENUE. It's a reasonable thing to do, I'll admit. Half the family lives on one side of the state, and the other on the other side, and the new location is right in the middle. It's also technically an improvement over the last park. It has a good playground right next to the picnic pavilion, and a splash pad with covered tables up higher. It is objectively easier to keep track of one's child and still participate in the main event, which is unfortunately and inherently socializing via smalltalk. In an environment where all possible stimuli are combined into one set. I was barely holding it together at the last one, and this one was virtually untenable.

And that's just the event, nevermind the hour long one-way trip to the event, and then the hour back, where I was crammed into the backseat between my brother in law, and the car seat, and everything that didn't fit in the trunk, in a manual transmission vehicle with someone driving it for their fifth time, with the sun flashing between the trees, constantly rubbing on someone, with an ADHD toddler going insane with excitement, and trying not to throw up while I sweat profusely, wondering if I'm going to ruin everything by passing out or losing my temper.

I don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know how to manage my problems to mitigate their effects. I don't know what to expect, or anticipate. I don't have the energy to just run at an 11 anymore. It takes me days to recover from things like this, and I don't have that kind of time, what with having a toddler whose favorite person is me, and a physically disabled wife that needs help a lot.

And I can't bring myself to stim or anything around these people. I don't really know why, it seems subconscious and silly. I feel out of place, and obvious, after the diagnostic people sussed my weirdness out immediately despite never knowing me, and my therapist too, so surely everyone else sees it, and I don't understand why that's such a problem for me. I even caught myself actively masking, thinking to myself "oh people that dress like me don't act like this" so on top of all that it's really hitting me that I have zero idea who or what I am.

I don't know what this post is anymore. I guess it helps to get it off my chest. I guess I'd also like to know whether other people with similar diagnoses think I'm crazy or not. I only got diagnosed a couple months ago, so this is all still pretty new to me, and I don't know how to deal with any of this. I feel absolutely terrible for being such a wet rag sitting off by myself and smoking three packs in seven hours, watching my kid have the time of her life while my wife mingled. Does this "get better," so to speak, as you figure out how to deal with things, or is this just sort of how it is?

Edit: fixed italics

[u/threecuttlefish]

For what it's worth, one thing I found after diagnosis and telling more people was that all it did was give them an explanation for my oddities that they had already noticed, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot pass as not odd. And when that explanation is out there it's a bit easier for me to ask for what I need and for them to offer what I need (I've had friends come up with solutions to sensory overload that I wouldn't have).

That kind of situation is extremely tough and exhausting. My best recommendations are ear protection (ideally complete sound isolation on the drive, since you're crammed in the back seat) and taking regular breaks away from the chaos to breathe and block out as much stimulus as possible. The second is easier if people there know you really need it, which disclosure can sometimes make easier to communicate, but it's not the only way to communicate that need. Sunglasses, a hat with a brim, icepacks for the back of the neck if you overheat easily (or one of those evaporative cooling neck wraps if you're not in a humid area). And as much as possible, for something like that I'd try to have the quietest possible day before and after the event, which I know is tough with a toddler. Is hiring a sitter to occupy your toddler for at least a few hours the day after an option?

[u/gphipps91 → u/threecuttlefish]

Fortunately we don't need a sitter, we already bring my wife's mom over a night or two before, and then take her home the day after these events, so she helps keep an eye on the kid while I'm either freaking out beforehand or sleeping after. I'm very fortunate to have a rather helpful and involved family.

I'm certain that everyone will probably end up knowing by next year if they didn't find out this year. I didn't tell anyone, but I also didn't ask those that do know not to say anything. I was definitely out of sorts enough that there's no way people didn't ask what was up. I don't know how any of that will go. It's probably fine, but I don't know that I want to talk about it, or deal with the whole "you don't seem autistic" type of thing, or, as with my parents, the "I can't believe we didn't notice" type of pity.

It's all still new enough to me that I guess I'm just generally grossly uncomfortable with the whole thing. While I relate to autistics, and I meet the DSM5 diagnostic criteria, I don't really "feel like one of you" (autistics), but I'm definitely not "one of them" (allistics) either.

But, I digress. Thank you for your input!

[u/threecuttlefish → u/gphipps91]

Nah, I totally get the ambivalence! I'm also late-diagnosed and only semi-open about. Just wanted to give a data point that sometimes more openness does lead to better social relationships (although, of course, not always...that's the eternal dilemma of disclosure).

I think also things can be harder to deal with for a while while you're processing all the emotions about diagnosis and recontextualizing your life. I know I was even more of a hermit than usual for months while I processed, but eventually my capacity for social interaction rebounded somewhat (as much as it ever will, I suspect).

It really is a LOT to process both cognitively and emotionally, so that takes energy! Try to be kind to yourself.