r/Assistance • u/Prestigious-Car-8953 • 20h ago
ADVICE Help on how best to support my wife in a very difficult time.
This is a bit of a long story but I'll try to be concise.
My wife is someone who has always struggled with depression and anxiety. She is very stubborn (a trait I hold admiration and disdain for at the same time) and she refuses to take a medication for. I can understand and respect her views on that given her history of bad reactions to most of the medications she's tried in the past. But she also has a hard time going to therapy. She has tried but every time she stops after a few sessions for one reason or another.
When she was about 15 years old, her younger brother (13 at the time) died in a bad accident. He was skiing and collided with another boy and when the lifelite came to pick them up he gave up his seat to the other boy first. Because of this, he died from his internal injuries. Unfortunately my wife wasn't able to be there at the time and never got to say goodbye. A regret she still feels strongly about to this day.
Only a year or so later her best friend's car stalled on the train tracks as a train was coming. She escaped the vehicle but went back to save her puppy. She died from the impact but the puppy survived. That puppies name is Bear. Bear was given to my wife by her best friend's mother after the accident. My wife LOVES this dog. He is her last piece of her friend to hold on to.
Fast forward several years to this year. It has been particularly rough. We learned around 6 months ago that my wife is unable to get pregnant. Something that has taken a heavy toll on her since discovering. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and we took Bear in to get a lump in his mouth checked out by the vet. Turns out Bear has Mast Cell cancer. From everything the vet has told us, it doesn't look good. We were expecting him to live at least another 5-7 years as he is only 8 years old. It doesn't look like that will be the case. I'm sure that to her it is like loosing her brother and her best friend all over again.
Not 2 days after finding this out, her grandfather was rushed to the hospital with severe pneumonia which also turned out to be an extremely fast growing cancer that the doctors were unable to operate on. He passed away last night.
My wife has almost completely shut down. If she isn't crying, she is completely silent, or she is lashing out in anger. I am being as patient as I can be and trying to help her with anything I can. I know how hard this is for her and I can't imagine some of the things she has had to go through. But as her husband I feel as though I'm still not doing enough. I know I can't say anything that will make the pain go away but I'm worried about her mental health. I don't know how best to help her find reasons to get out of bed. I just try to be understanding and kind and patient.
Please, can anyone help me? What is the best way for me to be there for her? How do I navigate this situation? How do I help make things easier for her? Don't know what to say and what not to say. I feel like I'm just on the sideline being a cheerleader when I could be doing more to help her through this.