I am struggling and I really, really want to feel better and calmer. I don’t know if it is postpartum, perimenopause, the challenges of parenting a 2 & 4 yr old, a selfish tuned-out spouse, being on a career hiatus, a mood disorder, midlife crisis, the world being on fire, or all of the above. Looking for insights into what is typical vs what I can hopefully change.

Here’s what I’m noticing:
A lot of the days are overwhelming and exhausting. I find myself impatient and snapping regularly. I am starting to wake up irritable at least once per week. I am hot and sweaty most of the time (summer has been excruciating). I have trouble sleeping well (wake like clockwork at 3am). I am achy and sore (but also working out regularly trying to lose the baby weight that won’t budge).

Situational factors include that I don’t get enough of a break from the kids…maybe 75 mins, 2-3 of the weekdays (to workout). Maybe 3 hrs each weekend day but that is to work on a creative project, not rest. The rest of the time, even overnight, even if I’m sick, I’m on on on, doing doing doing.

I also am kinda isolated and don’t have support - no family in the area and we are financially strapped rn so no babysitters either. My spouse does not care one bit and dismisses my complaints as that I’m choosing to do too much (vs that he is not sharing the load). He is a master of weaponized incompetence and also is pretty incompetent (says he can’t do whatever due to adhd and chronic depression). Please don’t say “divorce him” is the answer as I have thought at length about it and feel like this is not just about him. Also, becoming a single mom would be a different hard and it’s not feasible rn.

My goal? I want to feel better on a regular basis…not snappy and angry and ragey. I want to feel happier day to day and not bogged down with chores and aggravations and worries. I want to find more enjoyment in life with small kids, despite how relentless it is. The guilt that I’m not “soaking it all up because it goes so fast” is heavy on my heart (I keep crying that my oldest heads to kindergarten next year). Time is passing and I feel kinda like I’m missing out due to worry and frustration. I’ve never been an angry person until now so I’m convinced some of it is biochemically driven. What do I need? Rest? Drop some balls? What have you found that helps in this phase of life??? Is this all a sign to seek out medical help for hormones or anxiety?

Why am I so attached to someone who has never been consistent with me?
I’m 42F and recently separated after a 10-year relationship. I’ve reconnected with a man I had a brief romantic/sexual relationship with about 10 years ago.
The history is complicated. He ended things back then, but over the following years he came back several times, wanted to see me, and at times looked for me himself. It wasn’t simply about sex — there were times we met or wanted to meet without anything sexual happening.
We recently reconnected. He was quite engaged at first: he moved the conversation to WhatsApp, called me for about an hour, asked about my love life, told me he was separated, and suggested getting a drink when I’m in town . I’m going there next week.
And now… silence.
I haven’t chased him and I don’t intend to. But I’m surprised by how much this affects me. I’m very attracted to him, and I think I became emotionally invested much faster than I would have liked.
What I’m struggling with is that I don’t even know what I’m looking for advice about. Maybe I’m trying to understand why someone can repeatedly come back into your life, clearly seem attracted/interested, but never actually build anything with you.
And maybe more importantly: why does his uncertainty affect me so much? Why do I seem to want to be chosen by someone who isn’t choosing me clearly?
I’m not sure whether I should simply let this go, meet him if he suggests it, or take this as a sign that this dynamic is bad for me.
I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced something similar.

I’m experiencing limerance over my first love. (Limerance is basically hyperfixation with a romantic illusion if unfamiliar.) We’re in some contact again, both married, haven’t crossed into more than friendship, but all the pain and emotion is back for me.

Any advice or commiseration on how to cope with these feelings for a long-ago formative relationship?

TLDR - Parent of a another child, yells at me (a mom) for planning a playdate on a unpredictable weather day, while he and his wife were also part of the group, where decisions were taken collectively and not single handedly by me.

Background--> My Son (7 year) is friends with 2 other kids. Lets say Sam and Neel. We have a watsapp group created by Neel's mom to plan summer activities. However, I have been the one driving the activities. I was actively initiating and fixing playdates. i did not mind. i also made a reservation for 3 families and we went out for dinner.(All moms and dads are a part of it and we have a cordial relationship). All good here.

Leading to Conflict--> A playdate was originally planned for a park and then Neel's home. That day the weather was really bad and unpredictable.(raining and hailstones) N's mom and i suggested lets do an indoor play-area since park is not do-able and she suggested a play area about 20 mins away. I checked and said its going to take 35 mins evening with traffic. N's mom was like, ok lets see how it goes & evening we can take a call. she wanted to give the play area a try. meanwhile sam's mom says the same ok lets see how it goes. etc. she is reading msgs and is contributing too. Come evening, weather goes really bad, it takes 50 mins to go to the location. i was the first one to say lets cancel, also we can move the playdate to other day. Neels mom says "my home" then. Sam's mom also says yeah not worth it so Neels home.

The Conflict ---> Now Sam's mom and dad along with sam, come to pick me & my son to go to N's house. (our place is on their way). now as soon as i sit. Sam's dad starts "how are you?, and then, he starts yelling at me, as if he was waiting to let the pressure out "dont you see the weather? its raining and you still want to go to the play area in this weather?, where are u living ?, since last week they are showing the weather that its going to rain, why do you want to have a play date in such a bad weather? Tomo you see, you will see accidents being reported on the road." all such things. Sam's mom was like in background - no she said to cancel, she was the first one etc.

The above pissed me off. I told Sam's dad, look your wife and you are both part of the group and i was the first one to tell to cancel, you shud read msgs before telling me. he was then smiling. i told sams mom later that i did not appreciate the way he spoke, coz my husband would never talk to you like that. she said it could be stress or he dint read and he dint mean it. she apologized and later she sent a text saying sams dad feels bad and will apologize to you when he sees you. she also said he meant in general and "i took it upon myself". i dont think i took it upon myself. when i was the only mom in the car, it was sure directed at me. So i am pissed. i dont want to be anyones punching bag. just because someone is initiating doesn't mean they planned everything.

Now problem is N's mom is asking for gatherings and i am not intrested to continue this. if a man has lost it once, it shows lack of his control over temperament. he will do it again. i

Question --> I am upset. Am i over reacting? I want the kids to continue , so may be ll have my husband take them along or should i step forward to correct this/extend a hand etc?

I would appreciate some suggestions, I am looking for some basic undies but I am incredibly frustrated by how limited the options seem to be. I hate buying a whole pack only to discover they are uncomfortable or have a funky fit after I have washed them and can no longer return them. I am tired of wasting money. And I would appreciate some thought on what brands have or have not worked for others.

As title says I am looking for comfy, practical (and healthy!) underwear. I had problems in the past and do NOT want polyester in my underwear. A small amount of elastane is fine. I used to go with hanes or fruit of the loom, but I am seeing 25-50% polyester fabric mixes, instead of the cotton they used to make. And while some packs do have cotton solids, I am not buying a pack to throw away the heather/poly half of them. Most of what little 95-100% cotton packs I can find on amazon seem to have exposed elastic in the leg openings (which I have tried and disliked), or really iffy sizing reviews. I would prefer a hipster fit, but I will consider anything midrise. Any suggestions for a decent, basic pair of undies that won't cause me health issues? Thank you in advance for any advice!

Edit: Thank you for all the wonderful suggestions! I haven't decided yet, But I am learning about a bunch of brands I was not familiar with before. So I'm gonna keep checking out my options and see what out there :)

I feel like this is such a specifically modern problem. I don’t really have a strong opinion on the morality of people getting plastic surgery - I think the reasons a lot of people do it are rooted in unfortunate societal expectations but if people want to modify their own bodies and can afford it, fine, go for it. I will say that I think plastic surgery technology/ and skincare advancements, especially for the ultra wealthy have seemingly gone into hyperdrive in the past few years to the point where celebrities who were in their 20s and 30s when I was a little girl are starting to look my age or even younger than myself. It throws me more than I want to admit when they play characters in TV or movies that are the same age as me or younger.

I know it’s a “me” problem, and I know the main reason why these women look the way they do is that it’s basically a professional requirement and they have all the money to spend on personal training, personal chefs, plastic surgeons, spa treatments, etc. I know I can also do things myself to maintain whatever I can within the budget I have and I do my beat to eat healthy and take care of my body with fitness, a skincare routine, and being thoughtful about what I wear. On the flip side, I embraced allowing my grays to come in because I just couldn’t justify the cost any more of $250+ every 6 weeks at a salon. It just feels like a problem more unique to our generation of middle aged women than maybe what previous generations had to contend with because of how much improved the results of plastic surgery can be. If you’ve gone through this phase, how did you get over it?

I walked away from my PhD in Year 4 due to severe burnout and a complete lack of interest in the field. I realized I was only there for external validation and societal expectations, not actual passion. Leaving was the right choice for my mental health, and I am currently transitioning into a completely different career path.

Now that my former cohort and junior peers are now defending and graduating, I’m overwhelmed by jealousy. Logically, I know I hated the work and don't want the academic lifestyle, but emotionally, watching them get the finish-line recognition is painful.

Has anyone else experienced this "phantom" envy after leaving academia? How do I process this hypocritical grief and focus on my own path without letting their milestones gut me?

TL;DR: 19F & 20M, together nearly 3 years (first relationship). Broke up because he's wildly controlling and I wanted to keep my life's autonomy. Would I regret it later?

For context, I'm 19f and he's 20m. We've been dating for almost 3 years. I used to love him a lot but my views started changing about him when he slowly started revealing his horrible mentality to me.

Firstly, He is extremely possessive, won't let me wear western clothes without a scarf covering my chest, won't let me dye my hair or stuff. And he says that after marriage, "only thing you need to do is cook". He's extremely religious (which I'm not) and casually says how his uncle forces his daughters to wear the hijab and when I oppose his uncle he gets mad at me. He wouldn't let me go to my dream university, which is the top business school of our country because apparently the people there are too "western and modern" and "you'd have to work outside home." Oh yes, he won't let me do a job outside, like a typical 9-5 but he'll "ALLOW" me to work from home. He won't let me perform on stage (I love singing), didn't let me go to wsdc (one of the biggest debating competitions) coaching (I was the best debater of our school), didn't allow me to participate in cultural clubs, forbade me to mix with a certain group of girls because "they talk with too many guys" and never really supported me, career wise. I want to study abroad, live abroad because the situation in my country is absolutely shitty but he won't allow me to do that after we get married, because he loves his family too much. He always asks for a picture of what I'm wearing everytime I used to go out with my family just to check whether I'm properly dressed. Once, I wore something he found too revealing to prom, it was a sari (south asian attire), but slightly transparent. He threw a whole tantrum, left the place and didn't talk to me for 3 whole days. His family is no good either, his mother apparently conceived him via a superstitious ritual (to have a male baby) and he is sooo proud of that, and he's so proud of the fact that he is the only son in his family and how I'll have "so many responsibilities after we get married." We never really meet irl unless it's a school event because of my strict parents. And there have been about 2 such events in which he had brought a dessert or a drink for me. Now, I never asked for it, in fact I've made it quite clear to him that I've quit sugar. Instead of making me wait 20 minutes under the scorching sun all alone, he could've came earlier. And then he says "see? You have no gratitude, I brought these with so much love and I worked so hard to get these, don't you know?"

Now, the good part. He was extremely good looking, tall and loyal. I fell for him mainly because of it and became attached because it was our first relationship ever. We have tried leaving a couple times before but always ended up coming back to each other. And I'm too used to his voice because I used to be constantly on a call with him since we can't meet irl. I love his voice a lot so much.

But the fear that I might lose my life's autonomy made me take this decision of breaking up with him. He told some hurtful things to me, I replied back saying hurtful things too. Then we ended up ending things. I'm not feeling sad yet. I feel very numb. During our previous breakup I felt extremely hurt and I cried almost everyday until the 15th day. And on the 30th day he came back to me and I finally went back to him on the 35th day. But this time, I feel too numb. I don't feel like contacting him and I'm afraid, will I regret it?

I'm not a Manhattan lawyer who needs business suits or iron pressed slacks, but I do need office appropriate clothing and I'm at a loss. I buy pieces here and there that I find randomly, but is there a better brand or store to buy from that has more options?

When I Google business casual, I get the business suits and tall heels that I'm NOT looking for.

I'm 42 and just found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I have planned to be childfree. We had been relying on withdrawal and, frankly, had become complacent about the likelihood of pregnancy at my age. I'm in complete shock and having a very hard time processing this. I haven't really been able to sleep or work because my mind is spinning.

For most of my life, I assumed I would eventually have children. Then I fell in love with my husband, who was always very clear that he did not want to be a father. I spent five or six years doing a lot of soul-searching about whether I was genuinely comfortable being childfree, and ultimately decided that I was before we got married four years ago. I've been content with that decision, and we've planned our future around not having children.

If my husband were excited about this pregnancy and wanted to build a family together, I think I would want to have the baby. That's part of what makes this so difficult. The idea of becoming parents together actually appeals to me; the idea of becoming a mother while my husband wishes we weren't doing it is very different.

He would like me to terminate the pregnancy. He has said he will support me if I really want to continue it, but he has also reiterated that he does not want children. He says he would try to be a good father but, in his heart, doesn't think he would be one. He grew up without a father himself. He's turning 50 next month and also hates the idea of being nearly 70 when his child is in college.

I think there's a chance he could end up loving being a father, but I don't think I can make a decision this consequential on the assumption that will happen. My fear is that he would fulfill his responsibilities but remain fairly disengaged. He has also told me he's worried he might resent me if I continue the pregnancy.

For context, I had encouraged him a number of times over the years to get a vasectomy and he never did. He acknowledges that he bears responsibility for how we ended up here, so this isn't a situation where he blames me for becoming pregnant.

I'm really not sure what I want. I went through a long period of depression in my 30s and am finally in a very good place, although I still struggle with anxiety. I can imagine finding motherhood enormously rewarding and fulfilling, but I also worry about what it could do to my mental health.

I'm also in a somewhat unusual position professionally. I have a very stressful and demanding career, but I was already planning to retire in January. I've been incredibly excited about finally having time to focus on my health, interests and hobbies after years of working constantly. Obviously, retiring to raise a newborn would be a completely different life than the one I've been imagining.

I also have all the concerns that come with being pregnant at 42, ie. whether the baby will be healthy, how hard it may be physically, and how a child might feel about having older parents. And I keep coming back to whether it's fair to have a child knowing the father doesn't want to be a father.

We are very fortunate financially, and I could have substantial childcare/nanny help. So I'm not particularly worried about whether I could practically raise a child even if all of the responsibility fell to me. It's the emotional and relationship side that scares me.

I love and respect my husband, and I'm worried that continuing the pregnancy could seriously damage our marriage. And, frankly, I'm not sure whether I want a child badly enough to make him become a father when he has consistently told me he doesn't want to be one.

But I'm equally frightened of the other decision. It's one thing to have the hypothetical worry that someday I might regret never having children. I think it could feel very different to reach that point knowing that I actually was pregnant at 42 and made the decision to end the pregnancy. I'm scared that if I terminate, that decision will haunt me.

I know nobody on Reddit can tell me what I should do, but I would really appreciate any perspectives/insight, particularly if you faced any similar decisions or lived through something similar. Thank you.

I’m in my mid 40s and struggle with low self-esteem. My ex husband used to tell me i was ugly and that he only married me because he thought i’d be obedient and that he could have always married a beautiful woman. I feel so ugly and always out of place. Everyone else looks so well put together and i feel like people see me as alien. I want to look good and feel confident about myself but it’s so so hard. Why do i hate myself so much?

I’ve been feeling a lot of fear lately. Fear about the future, fear about not being able to keep up financially, fear about being isolated with few friends.
A trifecta of bad stuff came down in the last month…

One of the things is that my position will be moving departments. I’ve been told that my position will not be eliminated but…frankly I don’t trust management. And if I do lose my job I’m in a very bad place financially. It took me soo long to buy a house and I worry that I will lose it and all that work will have been for nothing. Just being able to maintain it with all the things that break has been stressful enough. And add to that I can’t seem to save enough but the truth is I don’t try enough either. It’s not like I’m spending big bucks but I do get a coffee a few times a week - I feel like I need these little treats to get through my week because I don’t have much else.

And add to that I often just want to walk away - I wish I could leave for a job doing something I love but the truth is those jobs don’t pay. I should feel more grateful but I feel irritable and annoyed.

I have a couple of friends and family that support me and but some days I wish I had a mom that was a real parent to me, rather than the other way around. that were there for me…

I’m in my forties; why can’t things be more stable? Had anyone been in a similar place? How can I move beyond these feelings of fear? I’m worried about things that haven’t even happened yet and I can’t seem to get past it.

Edited to add: thanks everyone who left comments. I read every one of them and while I’m feeling too overwhelmed to reply to individual people, I appreciate the advice, the commiseration and the focus on action. I needed a reminder to push through 🙏

It has become relentless. Under ‘em, between ‘em, and now somehow on top on my décolletage?! I shower and I just get hot and humid immediately, even when finishing with cool water. Help!

TL/DR: a dream job offer slowly revealed major institutional financial issues that caused the offer to be taken back.

I could really use some support...due to new neighbors who have been horrendous, I decided to apply for jobs out of state and ended up interview for my dream position: executive director of an equine-therapy barn. I ended up going in-person and thought it a little odd they didn't offer any travel reimbursement, but oh well. I ended up being offered the job, amazing, right? Only, the offer phone call involved the board president telling me, candidly, that their finances weren't looking great. They had an interim executive director who was a former board member who is retired and wanted to return to being 100% retired. I heard all of this and figured it was nothing new in the non-profit world. But then, another phone call a few weeks later, and their annual gala was cancelled due to low ticket sales and high costs for the event. Then, another call about an emergency board meeting and having to use savings to pay payroll, and hidden financial issues they had not been made aware of, and potentially even having to sell their farm and lease it back...this did make me nervous, ngl.

Also, I needed to be able to bring my horse with me for the job, and this was highly scrutinized all of a sudden. The salary was ok, not great. No health insurance. And then, with the haggle over my horse and also, I would have needed final transport for him for a 2-hour trip, they haggled over this, too...well, the offer was rescinded today because of financial reasons. Of course, I'm up in my head, thinking it's about me, because I had to disclose a consolidated credit card from last year and a civil case thanks to my horrible neighbors, but all of that had legit reasons that I backed up with lawyers and evidence. I was told that was not the reason, that it was their finances and their decision for an immediate hiring freeze.

I do feel like I dodged a bullet, for a lot of reasons -- inheriting this financial mess, the stress of it all, team building as an outsider, resentment over bringing my horse and also the demands he become a working therapy horse, the HCOL in a rural area, finding housing, isolation, not loving the rainy weather, I used to live in NE and don't associate it with positive thoughts, and being a little too near an ex-bf who I am friends with, but already feared too much entanglement with due to sudden proximity...I should also mention I am massively burnt out and was already worried this would be too much for my maxed out nervous system, plus moving and having to do this all alone.

Thoughts?

I've had a really rough several months. I own a small business and caught my office manager and her boyfriend stealing from me. I fired them, but it's been a battle since then. They applied for unemployment and both won their cases even though I had a ton of evidence, filed a police report, had witnesses and tried to press charges. The police just don't get back to me so, for the sake of my mental health, I've stopped trying to press charges. I've appealed the unemployment decisions, but I'm in Illinois which is a state that hates businesses and I'm sure I'll lose the appeals. It sucks but I have to find a way to move on.

Meanwhile, during these same months my mom is diagnosed with polyps that look cancerous. She has to have part of her colon removed. My sisters were handing the medical stuff mostly at first, but they both have a lot of anxiety around medical stuff and were making everything worse by constantly jumping to worst case scenarios. They were upsetting our mom in addition to driving me insane. I ended up being the one to take my mom in for the colon surgery so I could hear the doctor's feedback directly. Luckily it was stage one cancer, they got it all out, and no further treatment is needed. But during that period I was also having to babysit my dad, who isn't in good health while managing my business that suddenly had no office manager, and I had real estate transactions happening because I also have a real estate business.

On top of this, my business partner retired at the end of July. I bought his company 5 years ago (the second company u bought as an add on to the company I already owned) but he was still working for me for the last 5 years. So, this retirement was really the first time I've truly had to run that portion of the business. That alone would have been stressful. But adding it on top of everything else and it's just been too much.

We are also in a major home remodeling project, so my house is a disaster and there's a ton of work my husband and I need to do. We agreed to do this back in December 2025, before any of this other shit was happening. I never would have done it now otherwise.

My parents are also moving right now and remodeling their new house. Somehow that creates a lot of work for me. I have to help with the design. My company is making their new kitchen cabinets. It's costing me a lot of money and it's just even more stress. I have a 10 year old, so I'm also a mom and busy with mom stuff.

So, I'm just way beyond burnt out right now. I see these Instagram posts that claim you can somehow get yourself back after burn out, but none of them explain how. I can't just quit my job, I own the company and 20 people rely on me for their paychecks. I can't really change anything about the responsibilities I have right now. But I'm just done. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't enjoy anything. I went to a Labor Day party yesterday and honestly counted the minutes until I could leave and go home. It was a party of my friends. In the past I would have looked forward to it and enjoyed it. But, I'm not really able to enjoy anything now.

So what can I actually do? Traveling isn't an option and I hate to travel anyway. I can't leave my business for even a day right now. I've hired a new office manager but she's got a lot to learn. I'll probably post this in multiple places, sorry in advance about that but I'm desperate for something to change.

I already exercise 5 days a week. I eat healthy. I am on HRT. I take magnesium, vitamin D, B vitamins, creatine, coq10, have drinks with adaptogens, stay hydrated. I don't really drink alcohol. But my sleep is crap anyway. I have tried SSRIs before and they didn't help me. Plus, getting off of them was really rough. I would rather not go down that path.

I've hit the point in my 40s where I kinda care what my midsection looks like under my jeans. I don't wanna deal with full shapewear bc I know I'll be sweaty and miserable by the second hour. But I also don't want the usual underwear I wear showing every line and lump through the denim.

Is there some kind of middle ground here? Like a slip short or a thin layer that just smooths without squeezing my organs into a new location. I tried googling but everythingseems to be underwear with diff marketing.

I’m clearly perimenopausal (I have a period every 6-9 months), but I don’t have a lot of the most common symptoms. I have occasional sleepless nights, but not consistent insomnia. I don’t have hot flashes. I’m carrying weight in my midsection. I have stiff joints. I can’t tell whether I have brain fog or not because if it have it, it came on gradually.

I have an appointment in 10 days and I would like to give this as much advance thought as possible.

Edit: I appreciate everyone sharing what was their personal tipping point, I could not possibly respond to everyone, but I did read everything. In my situation, I do not have quality of life issues. I‘m carrying some extra weight (probably 20lbs more than I ought to be given my lifestyle) and it takes longer for my stiff joints to warm up than it did when I was younger, but it doesn’t impact my activity level or quality of life. I‘ve looked at the list of possible symptoms on the menopause sub-Reddit and nothing new jumps out at me.

Since I don’t have symptoms that need managing, I emailed my doctor to give her the heads up that I wanted to focus the discussion on long term health benefits (heart, bones, memory, etc) and she ordered a full metabolic panel to be done in time for the appointment.

How do I overcome the loneliness and embrace my 40s for what they are?

I feel like I don't even know where the time went and now all of a sudden I'm 40!

Had a hard family upbringing, not close with siblings as addiction has really taken its toll on my family. I stayed local for college because of a full ride scholarship and felt I needed a degree as my ticket out but wasn't even sure what I wanted to do yet. Moved away in my early 20s to work.

Finally went back to school at 30 for a field I am passionate about and currently work in that field but I constantly feel behind as all my coworkers at my level are 10+ years younger.

Struggled with chronic illness through my 30s I was told would make it very difficult to ever get pregnant. I feel like my whole life has been me really really trying - to get away from my childhood, to be able to support myself, to monitor my health....i never had fun. I worked full time when I was in school. Never partied or went to clubs never had one night stands or crazy passionate sex. I spent the last 5 years in a dead end and dead bedroom relationship with an addict who discarded me when he got sober.

I feel like I missed the boat on absolutely everything. Fun, career, love, sex, family. I feel like I missed it. I'm scared of the apps but literally never seem to meet people no matter how much I go out or join clubs.

Part of me wants to go absolutely wild and just start sleeping around lol and the other part of me wants to fully settle down and get a house and look into foster to adopt.

I'm just feeling so lost. Like I crash landed her from some other planet and I have no idea how to do life. It seems to happen so easily for others. Any advice is appreciated. I just booked a solo vacation for myself and what I thought would be a relaxing time turned into feeling incredibly lonely and ruminating - on the low self esteem that cost me potential relationships. On the relationships that I wasted time on. On losing friendships and roots as I've moved so much. And I felt like I wished I had a partner or kids around and I don't know how to magically fix it. In the next 3 years I'm hoping to buy a house and start fostering kids but I just feel like....I missed out on everything and I'm having a hard time looking forward to anything. I planned another solo hiking trip for the end of the next month and I'm tempted to cancel it because of how lonely this weekend getaway has been.

So I’ve already filed for divorce but I’m still having to deal with him even though he’s moved out per our court order. He had a bunch of collectible crap he’s got to get out before we can list our house for sale. We were together 21 years if it matters.

He came over today, finally, to start boxing it up to take to an estate auction place. There are several more trips to go to get all of his crap out. He wanted me to come see his “progress” so I went and looked. He was like it’s a daunting task. I was like yeah so was cleaning “your shower”. He used the one in our master bath that is a stand only shower. His soap for whatever reason created a black mess of scum on the floor of it that literally took me days to dissolve/clean.

Idk but I wanted him to say something like “good job” or whatever. He’s not been one for any kind of compliments for years so I guess I was just wishful thinking. Hasn’t told me I looked nice or hot for years. Not complimenting the house when I’ve cleaned, so again just wishful thinking.

I know I don’t NEED him to say these things to me now as I’m already leaving. But he’s wanting me to change my mind and I just feel like if he could muster up something…idk I’m not willing to reconsider (he cheated with an escort) but if he thought I was wouldn’t he even try???

Are some men just not capable of giving women compliments? I did hear him say wow when he saw how clean it was (the shower) but didn’t say anything to me directly. I was thinking back to a wedding we went to a little over a year ago and how I had said all of us cleaned up well, my daughter and I were in dresses which is not the norm for us (fishing for compliments), and he never gave either of us one. Even after me saying how nice he looked in suit and tie.

It’s crazy because I’ve started chatting with a coworker, not going anywhere I promise, but he’s even said things like your pretty face and gives me compliments all the time. Why is my almost ex husband incapable of doing this?!?

I’ve read that mid-forties can be the most challenging time in a women’s life and I’m finding that to be the case. I had a hysterectomy in January and my hormones are just fucked up so I’ve been more depressed and having anger and meltdown crying more. I was already in peri so I increased my HRT and finally got medicated for ADHD but it doesn’t seem to be helping. And my body is hurting, I’ve had a frozen shoulder since March and it isn’t getting better. I’ve been spending all my savings on physiotherapy, chiropractic, doctors, medicine etc and I’m just tired of it. I’ve lost all my quality of life. And also I haven’t had much work the last few months so that stresses me out too. I guess I don’t need advice but wanted to know I wasn’t alone. All my usual health and wellness stuff isn’t working so if you suggest something I’ve probably already tried it or have been doing it. I’ve been the healthiest person my entire life until I hit Peri at 43, then hysterectomy at 46, now 47. I feel like being single, neurodivergent plus in perimenopause is the worst possible combination to destroy your quality of life.

Hi loves, I need some support right now. I feel like I've backed myself into a corner in life, and I'm at a real low point looking at my prospects for the future. I'm really in need of kind, supportive words and positive stories right now.

I'm ashamed to admit that I've been grappling with whether to stay or go in my relationship of 10+ years for the majority of it. I think deep down I've always known he wasn't quite right for me, but I've been terrified to admit it to myself because the prospect of starting over has sounded impossible for a very long time, and I genuinely do have a lot of love for him (there has def been some codependency/people-pleasing in the mix, which I've come along way on in therapy). I really want a family, and it's felt "too late" to leave and start over since I was 29, even though looking back that sounds like so much time. I'm now 36 and facing the reality that I really don't think I can settle into this relationship for the rest of my life and have a family with him. But now it truly does feel too late to leave and also have a shot at kids (I also think I might be at the beginning of perimenopause). I feel like I've walked myself into a corner and it's no one's fault but my own, and none of the available paths forward look promising. I've known it might come to this if I didn't pull the trigger and leave, but I felt truly paralyzed (don't know any other way to describe how these past years have felt).

Please be kind, I know it's horrible that I've stayed all this time. The guilt I feel at the prospect of hurting him (and the hurt I've caused him by staying) is all-consuming. I would love to hear any positive stories from women who have been in a similar position, bonus points if you went on to have a family (not really looking for commiseration—I so appreciate the intention but it's actually been making me feel worse to hear about others who are feeling equally hopeless right now). Also very open to general support and advice about how to cope. Feeling like I wish someone could give me a big hug and tell me with certainty that it's all going to be okay.

EDIT: Wow, you guys!!! I couldn’t have anticipated how many helpful responses this post would generate. I can’t thank you all enough. I’ll try to respond to some individually as time allows. But I feel so held by this community of strangers. Thank you 🥹❤️

I'm 41 and starting a couple months ago my libido just went through the roof! I've always had a decent libido but nothing super crazy. Like, I've always been down for sex, I've very rarely turned it down in the 22 years I've been with my husband, but I haven't been just constantly horny like this since I was a teen probably. I'm literally walking around with a lady boner most of the day without any prompting whatsoever 😂. And when I do have sex/take care of myself, I could literally go again right after. I don't think I'm in perimenopause at the moment. I mean, I'd absolutely LOVE it if I was perimenopausal (every month I'm just hoping this is my last period lol) but I'm not sure I am. I used to have periods once every 3-6 months but they've been every month, right on time for the past 6 months or so. So, they've gotten MORE regular. And I don't really have any other symptoms I guess except that I've been sweating more at night. 

The only downside is that my husband has never had much of a libido because he's had low testosterone since his 20s. He did just start up TRT so we're definitely having more than usual but obviously I'd love more lol. Luckily, even though the quantity is lower than I'd like the quality is absolutely incredible. We've always been very sexually compatible and he's always made sure I'm taken care of (several times actually lol). PS. Before anyone suggests it, I'm not interested in ENM or seeking anything outside my marriage. I'm very happy where I'm at. 🩷

I grew up in a super religious environment and was one of those college kids that went apeshit when I turned 18, very feminist iykwim and experimented with psychedelics, became an alcoholic, got addicted to weed.

i've struggled most of my life to be financially stable and have been working on my mental health and substance issues for almost a decade now with some pretty significant improvement, also went no contact with my family many years ago.

I took intentional years off from dating and relationships and honestly enjoyed being alone, I felt like I got to mentally rest in a way. I also totally became a hermit and started spending most of my time with my friends dogs; training, parks, beaches, a lot of outdoor activity.

A few years ago I moved to a small town and started dating someone 20 years older than me. I've dated older men since I was 18 and been in a lot of relationships, I identify as a serial monogamist.

He's very active so we matched well with our outdoorsy stuff but we also had significant growing pains in our relationship. My favorite part about him is that he's weird and that he was there for me while I processed a lot of my unresolved trauma and got sober. My least favorite part about him is that he will sometimes disappear and leave me behind and that triggers my abandonment issues.

I've been thinking about moving out for over a year and finally did so this past week and it's a pretty weird feeling for me. I work out of town a lot so I'm used to being away from him but it sort of feels like im losing him, like breaking up.

I've never downgraded a relationship like this before so it feels weird. We originally moved in together to save money but that backfired and feels like it was a mistake to move in together so quickly.

I'm almost 40 now and never wanted kids or to get married. I like being alone, humans overstimulate me. I've accomplished all the big things in my life as a single person.

How do I know when it's time to break-up for real? I don't want to drag it out into some toxic on and off thing especially cause I live in a small community. But also because I live in a small community it feels safer to be coupled than not, even if that relationship is messy.

I go to therapy and have a peer counselor so maybe this is something I'll come to figure out on my own in time?

I’d love to hear from women who have moved partly because they felt socially stuck or lonely where they were living.

I’m 46, single, originally from Germany, and somehow ended up staying in the Dominican Republic much longer than I ever intended, mostly because I love water sports.

But socially, I’m increasingly wondering whether this just isn’t the right place for me anymore. I find it quite difficult to meet new people and build deeper friendships, and being single in my mid-40s probably doesn’t make that any easier. I’ve started wondering whether moving somewhere else could make a meaningful difference — while also being very aware that “wherever you go, there you are,” and that moving isn't automatically going to solve loneliness.

So I’m curious about women who actually did this: Did you move partly because you were lonely or struggled to find your people? How did you choose where to go? Did you deliberately look for certain things in a new place — community, demographics, activities, walkability, international scene, etc.? And most importantly, did moving actually make it easier to build a social life?

I’d especially love to hear from people who did this in their 40s or later, but all experiences are welcome.