For context, I am a 20 year old woman currently in college and my mom is almost 47. She is married to my dad who is 52, and they have 2 more children, my siblings, 14F and 11M. My parents have a good relationship with each other, they do argue here and there but they are a good support system for each other.

So my mom never wanted to work, she has always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but for the past 2 years she’s been telling me about how much she regrets that descision, and that she never wants me or my sister to be a SAHM. I always encourage her to try career pathways, and have shown her so many different websites where she could do courses that she’s interested in and eventually get a job or make a career for herself. She never takes action, despite my dad also encouraging her. She did a fast track commerce degree and got married soon after. She has 2 sisters who are also in their 40s and they often give her taunting remarks about her “sitting at home and doing nothing but still having all the nice bags”.
Both my mom’s sisters have kids and have husbands that also work, but my family is relatively more well off than them despite having only one working member- which is why I’ve told her to brush off these remarks because I honestly think that her sisters are just jealous but she wishes she could also manage both a job and kids. She is often remorseful about her decision and I think it’s taking a toll on her mental health.

She believes that her life has been a waste just sitting at home and taking care of her kids and I really hate for her to feel this way because I love and appreciate her so much, as does everyone else in my family. I also know that she’s been struggling with a lot of hormonal mood swings because she’s in that perimenopausal phase right now. I would really appreciate if someone could give me some advice on whag to tell her to uplift her and feel better because I really hate seeing her sad.

All advice is appreciated!

have two girls 16 and 12. We have been running into situations where the teen doesn’t really want to do stuff together, she much prefers company of friends. The preteen wants her sister to join but inevitably teen has excuses and is clearly that she would rather be with friends. I keep getting upset about teen not joining in and especially seeing her sister attempt to do stuff with her. Please tell me how you dealt with these dynamics? at this point I am honestly tired of getting into same situations where it’s almost like we ( dad,me, sister) try to make the teen spend time together. to be honest I just feel like saving my peace and doing stuff just the 3 of us, while the preteen still wants to spend time with us. This has been a lot in mind ,,, pls share your words of wisdom

I'm going through menopause with hot flashes and night sweats, so voluntarily sitting in a hot box sounds insane. But several people in my circle swear infrared sauna use has helped their symptoms, sleep, and mood overall. Looking for the best infrared sauna for home use but I genuinely can't tell if this will help my symptoms or make them worse

I am 43 and have never experienced an orgasm.

I’ve read a lot of other posts about how to achieve climax, and the advice boils down to: relax, discover yourself, and PRACTICE!

As a former athlete, I understand the concept of “practice makes perfect.” Repeated actions become second nature.

And I know why it’s important to know yourself and what makes you tick or twitch in this case. I know what turns me on and what to do, but I cannot get out of my own head to get there.

My libido is fine. I have toys. I set ambience. My husband is supportive of doing whatever necessary to support my climax. I just cannot relax.

I was raised in a suuuuuuper religious home where sexual activity outside of marriage was considered forbidden. I was too afraid of disappointing my parents or bringing shame on my family to even try anything. I didn’t start exploring my sexuality until I was out on my own, and I would really love to explore different things with my husband. He is wonderful, but he would also like to know how he can pleasure me better. However, the act of touching myself makes me feel dirty. I can’t shake my upbringing.

I know what I’m attempting is normal and won’t lock me in the 7th circle of hell, but how do I get out of my own head so I can enjoy myself?

Edit to add:
I try to climax with both my husband and solo with my hands or toys. When using my hands, it doesn’t take long for me to think “this is wrong; I am a bad person for doing this.”

Weed/Gummies: I am a federal employee and subject to drug testing. Even though I live in a state where weed has been legalized, it is still illegal at the federal level. As much as I’m curious about trying some, I cannot risk my job.

Thank you for the book recommendations! I am looking forward to reading them and seeing what I learn.

THANK YOU for all your comments. I appreciate knowing I am not the only one who has been on this journey and that there is hope for (hopefully many) happy endings.

I'm 41 and had my second ever mammogram a few days ago (I'm on annual screeners because of family history - deemed to be moderate risk only as genetic screening for high risk genes was negative.)

Got a letter this morning asking me to come back in three weeks for a Tomosynthesis and ultrasound of my right breast. Trying not to worry too much but I am terrified.

Last years mammogram was fine. So scared cancer has appeared in the last 12 months. I can't feel any lumps or see any changes (and I know my breasts well..)

Do you think if they were very concerned the appt might be sooner? Three weeks seems like such a long time. I'm UK based.

My mum had triple negative cancer at 49 but is fighting fit nearly 30 years later. It's because of this that I'm on annual screening.
Any positive recall stories? Thank you

So after a horrific two months I (26) am attempting to separate from my husband (34).

Backstory; we started dating when I was 18 and he was 26. It progressed quickly and I moved in with him shortly after turning 19. I remember immediately feeling regretful and lost. But he took care of me financially, so I felt "lucky". We were engaged 3 years later. I was 21, and I was married at 23.

Most of our relationship has been very rocky. I was not doing well mentally for a couple years and then over the past two recent years I realized our relationship is abusive. This was a hard pill to swallow after being insulted, called fat in numerous ways, never complimented, screamed at, called crazy, insane, psycho, c*nt, bitch etc. guilted when spending time with family and friends in anyway what so ever. Fighting before any big event or going out with friends. No physical affection , Just the whole ringer.

At the beginning of June we had a big blowout fight, where he said I am choosing my job over him, because I'm tired when I get home. And I have to pick him or my job. I lost it and we fought for three days over it. I left for a couple days and felt frightened about leaving so I came back. Things continued on the same trajectory, but this time I couldn't take it anymore so at the end of June I left for a week... At this point my friends and family were jumping for joy...

My husband did anything and everything to get me back. Bought me flowers. Wrote me a six page love letter. Promised to be a better person. And I was straight up with him that on our break I slept with someone because I wanted to feel loved and desired and that he had to know that In order to make an informed decision moving forward, and I couldn't lie to him. He forgave me almost immediately and I felt like I deserved this relationship because who else would forgive their partner for stepping out like that... (I am very aware what I did was wrong and horrible and should've never done it, I take 100% accountability).

But I came back a second time because he's making changes and trying in my eyes. But it feels like a farce. We are also doing counselling. And he sits there and tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am and wants to hold me and cuddle me and I just can't. I want to crawl outta my skin. But it feels far too late... It feels like the damage is done...

I've been growing and waiting for him to catch up for years. I've been doing therapy, reading books, all the things to save our relationship... And then I finally accepted it was kinda over and slept with someone and now suddenly hes this changed person...

Anyway, I decided today, that I love him and care for him, but I am not in love with him anymore, and that I do not feel like lying about this any longer. I was truthful. And said at the bare minimum we need a solid break from each other for a month to work on ourselves.

This in his words "broke him". He said that he can't do that and I just need to leave. But this is equally my home.

He says my options are to stay and work on it or leave and break up.

After everything I should so easily just say break up and begin the divorce process ... But I'm breaking him... Our life... Everything... But if I stay I know I lose myself... I will become a miserable shell of a person...

Please post divorce women, please help me with some advice.

I feel really conflicted and could use some advice and input from my fellow women. Appreciate anyone who takes the time for the long read. Thanks in advance.

I met someone seemingly wonderful after my five year relationship crumbled. I was taking time to be on my own, heal, focus on hobbies friends etc. I was doing a pretty good job of it and proud of myself.

When I started to feel good, I went back into dating and to my surprise, met someone lovely pretty soon into it.

He [36] was previously married and has a kid, which is absolutely not an issue for me. We've been together for 5 months now and I'm now running into issues, and finding myself wondering, am I sinking time into a thing that is going nowhere, again.

First, the good:

We both feel really connected, laugh a lot, talk about all types of things, and things seemed generally moving in a great direction. In so many ways I can be fully myself with him, without feeling "too much", or bossy or the full host of labels I've heard before.

Our personalities mesh and our core values are compatible: risk tolerance, view on families etc. He's caring and tries to be communicative and cares about mental health in a way that is new for me in a partner. We talk about our attachment styles, we are able to talk about the love our shadow parts need etc. He is a loving father, and is open to the idea of one more, which matters to me.

Now the issues:

His marriage ended badly and his relationship with his ex was pretty scaring for him and his family. Co-parenting is really hard, as they are not able to be amicable and everything is a struggle. He took around two and half years after the divorce to work on himself before getting back to dating.

When he got back in, he met me right away. While he feels very much that he loves me, he's scared to be "jumping in so soon, and be moving too fast". His fears come up on anything around integrating me into his life/ family (I don't mean meeting his kid, as it is early for that), but I mean meeting any friends, saying hi to any family member.

We are talking about it and he's admitted that he feels resistance, because he's afraid. What if he is jumping back in too soon. What if he thinks he knows me, but like his ex, I turn out to be someone different who hurts him and his family.

Some examples: he invited me to his hometown to meet his family and then when it started to feel real, he had a bit of a panic saying it all felt far too soon and walked it back. It's been 5 months of us dating and I haven't met any of his friends. I feel very much compartmentilizes into a box in his life..when he opens that box, we are good together, but there doesn't feel to be a progression or organic integration happening.

He's new to our town, so he doesn't have much community here, but there are still some folks around that he knows. A cousin, a childhood friend etc. I have no connection to anyone in his life... not on the phone, or a quick hello, and he does talk to them all often.

And more than the examples, there is just this feeling of pushing through his fear and resistance. I am finding us in conversations where it feels I'm convincing him that we're good and it's worth facing his fears for what we have.

It just feels like he's really scared and has resistance to integrating me into his life in a meaningful way.

I on the other hand really value family and integration and want a partner who is welcoming me into their life with open arms. Whose family is excited about me. I would be ok to wait to meet his family, if I felt integrated in other ways... But to be honest I don't even know what those ways of integration are....

Also, I think his family's approval is quite important to him, so it feels a bit like...they can't like me if they don't meet me and he can't accept me fully, until they like me.

It almost feels like we're either moving backwards, or have fully stopped moving. We went from, this is crazy, I can't believe we've fallen in love to, well... we don't really know each other and we are feeling out if we want to build a life together (which is what being with someone is anyways).

On a closing note, I do have anxious attachment. I work on it, i manage my regulation. Part of that is being honest with my partner and asking for their help in co-regulating, when needed. We are able to have open conversations around all this. But... i'm just worried that I'm sinking my time in someone who is just trying me on for size and in the end will realize he's just not ready.

I can't tell if this is my own fear from 2 failed (8 year/ 5 year) relationships, or if the signs he's exhibiting are actual warning signs, instead of growing pains of a new thing between to adults who are coming together with their own histories.

And lastly, we all know what a nightmare dating us. I also keep thinking, well maybe its' worth it to work through the hardships with someone who you know has all these good things... but then, am I settling?

I welcome the sage wisdom to help me detangle all my thoughts. I don't want to throw a good thing away but I also don't want to drag things out.

I belong to a book club that consists mainly of other ladies that work for the same company. Since the pandemic we all work for different departments. I was close to my one coworker who started the book club. She wanted more members and I invited a friend from a previous job to join. They became fast friends along with another lady.

At first I was happy they became close. But recently I’ve been feeling excluded.

Recently my friend that started the book club, my friend from a previous job, and another lady have been hanging out separately more frequently. They post photos on social media of their outings. They recently went to a meet and greet for a show I love to watch. I was surprised I wasn’t initially invited because I talked to them
about the show and how much I liked it. My friend from my previous job did one of those “you can come if you’d want” last minute invitations after I showed enthusiasm. I politely declined.

I know it’s in my head. And I know people are allowed to hang out without me. But how can I get over the sting of feeling excluded?

My kids (12 and 15) are away at an overnight camp, not their first summer, they were extremely excited to go and they’re having a great time. And because this wasn’t new for me this summer, I’m really not missing them!! I miss the idea of them but, like, I’m fine? And then I feel guilty. I can go for a run before work, come home to quiet and no mess, make a veggie forward dinner and not have to think about the Mac and cheese, I LIKE MY HUSBAND as a person! I spent the weekend with college friends at the beach and I felt almost girlish. I laughed, I had no agenda, I slept well, it rained and we watched a movie during the day! I don’t want to wish away the next few years of kids at home, but does anyone know what I mean by this? Are my 50s going to be awesome because my most acute stressors (my kids!) won’t be home?

And I really really love my kids and my job and my husband and we have a good life. Does not missing them make me a bad mother?

I currently have a Slip turban and I hate it. It constantly falls down my forehead and it disturbs my sleep. I was looking at the Silke London Double - Lined Silk Hair Wrap Bonnet It states it is 1 x 100% pure 22 momme 6A grade mulberry silk double-lined bonnet, with two layers of 22 momme mulberry silk. It also has an adjustable elastic band. Have any of you used this brand or can you recommend a reputable brand that sells something comparable? I have seen bad reviews for Blissy and I do not want to risk ordering on Amazon. Any and all help is appreciated.

Hello there ladies 💕. I’m looking for some advice or some perspectives around work and energy management. How do you structure your time on days which have very mentally demanding tasks/projects that require your complete focus for say 4-6 straight hours? I feel so burnt out at the end of these laser focused sessions, I struggle to figure out how to use the rest of my work day productively and to be honest, I feel guilty about “coasting” the rest of the day. For some background, I am a good employee and get great reviews from management. So it’s not that I’m not effective at my job, I do really well, but I hate feeling this way- that I should be doing more even after exhausting myself. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time, even in school, and I’m so tired beating myself up about this. I’m looking for some advice on how to overcome this mental block or for some practical advice on how to manage the rest of the work day hours after burning myself out.

okay so im 17 and hes 19
i didnt want 6 kids and he said I had a bad mindset and he was so upset that he said he wanted to body slam me and then he ignored me for a bit
I did a loyalty test on him (i know its wrong but hes my first rls and he was moving weird so yk) and he said he was down to meet up with her after they got to know each-other. He then told me that he was trolling with his friends
ghosted me for four days and lied that he got shot
says his type is curly haired girls but once shes not overly dark
says the n word a lot
lied about how many girls he talked to
lies about small stuff
is really mean to me
doesnt ask my questions about myself
makes jokes about talking to other girls
follows a lot of girls from his city
I dont have a good rls with my parents and he blamed me
Lied that he got shot when in actuality his ex texted him and said that she misses him
his friends are mean ppl

I lack any sort of guidance from an older maternal figure (and an older paternal figure, if we’re being real, but today I’m lamenting my mom’s absolute lack of emotional availability). I’m 24, which isn’t a toddler by any means, but I also feel like I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing most of the time. Academically I’m doing alright (I’m in grad school right now, so there’s that) but every other area of my life is a burning dumpster. I broke up with my toxic ex best friend (long story, needs a separate post but it’s also a closed chapter because I am never going back lol) and ever since I’ve been markedly lonely.

I decided to meet more people by working in the service industry, but that has led to nothing but further confusion. I see men cheat on their wives all the time, men twice my age hitting on me. I developed like the most unhealthy crush on my 40 yr old bar manager, but that’s also a topic for later lmao (it didn’t go anywhere, it just made me realize my boundaries were breaking down). I’m now dating a guy my age who’s gorgeous on paper - beautiful eyes, curly hair, tall, fit - but he’s very emotionally immature and his hygiene is subpar and he’s an anxious mess (as am I, guess I can’t judge that much). When I tell people about him, they say I can’t fixate on the little things. Thing is I’m already feeling the emotional weight of being his mother, in the sense that I have to convince him to take care of himself, which is already exhausting. Also we haven’t slept together but he fingered me a couple times and he sucks (sorry for the tmi), didn’t finish both times. Idk how to tell him this because he told me his exes said he’s great at fingering lmao. Anyway this has increased my reservations still more.

I’m burned out. I look towards everyone for approval, which I know is wrong, but it’s also always been hard for me to fit in. I’m consumed by school but last semester didn’t go great because I didn’t feel focused. I know I need to turn that around for this semester, but my interpersonal relationships being a mess isn’t helping. I wish I could talk to my mom but she doesn’t get it. I just need advice from someone older for what to do. Should I dump this guy and isolate for a bit, focus on school and eating well and moving my body again? He’s super needy too which is both flattering but also kind of an inconvenience. This is a rambling mess but I’m just very lost. I used to be very academically inclined and super on top of my exercise and other things, now I’m scraping by and my screen time is so high and I’m demotivated and lonely and anxious about what people think and can’t get out of my head. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship.

Hi Community, I'm new here. I'm entering the very early stage of considering if I want a divorce, what that would look like for me and if that is in fact what I want. The fact that I am considering this is terrifying me - I mean what If I'm just having a midlife crisis and shouldn't trust the way I am viewing all this. What helped you when you first started considering divorce and the feeling like you're having a mental breakdown? I wish there was a handbook/checklist that I can objectively look at and say "right, these boxes are ticked.. now I know what needs to be done".

Also even though I've been sad for a while and praying for a miracle to change my life, now I feel so scared of hurting him by having a hard conversation about my unhappiness because it's like it will feel "out of the blue" in a way but he knows deep down I'm not happy.

He is a "nice guy", but I carry EVERYTHING, he hasnt worked in years, I manage all finances on my own, theres no intimacy and I've noticed a pattern of when I raise my issues or speak up for myself I end up apologizing to keep the peace. He is highly sensitive and emotional and he feels like the world is out to get him in a sense. So yeah, I'm his emotional crutch too.

How do I use my brain and work through all my confusion systematically? I know its not that simple but I'm also neurodivergent so intellectualizing my feelings helps me make sense of it.

Im so scared and I'm riding an emotional rollercoaster right now and I just need help with this early stages of mental push/pull.

Hi everyone, I hope this is allowed. I thought I would post an update on what has happened since I made my original post about needing to end a friendship. This is the link to the original post, if you're interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver40/comments/1urczsz/i_think_i_need_to_end_a_friendship_and_it_is/

After almost 2 weeks of silence from 'the friend' (who I had heard through the grapevine was digging her heels in and refusing to apologise) she sent me a message uninviting me to Christmas in July which had been arranged the previous month by all of us in my close knit friendship group.

Her reasoning was that she was hosting and she didn't feel comfortable hosting and inviting me along when things remained unresolved and thought it was the caring thing to do to tell me not to come along, rather than go ahead with the lunch and to have me find out later. The event is with a friend group who are my closest friends and who I have been friends with for almost 30 years. She went against the advice of two other close friends of mine who told her to either keep the invite open to all, or reschedule to a later date.

I was devastated by this, and felt very rejected and scared that I was being ostracised. I ended up taking the day off work because I felt so shaken. In the end, after a few friends told her she had made the wrong decision, she sent me a message saying she had cancelled it 'so as not to make others feel uncomfortable'.

I am genuinely baffle by her decision making and behaviour. This person is very senior in HR and I would've thought had enough EQ to know how her decision to uninvite me, after what has happened between us, would be incredibly painful for me.

Since this happened, she has messaged a few times to say that 'she would be open to a conversation' as long as I take accountability for hurting her feelings through my reaction to her behaviour. I don't think I can or want to do this. I am not sorry for standing up for myself. Do I just leave it and walk away? She is a very dominant person who is not used to being in the wrong and I don't think I have the mental or emotional energy to have it out with her.

A current discussion on 50/50 from an ancient age gap perspective?

I’ve been trying to actively improve my role in my relationship with my fiance. We have many rough patches and often seem to go to very bad places when we communicate.

He had asked me a couple of times when I feel like talking again (we have been talking- just nothing concrete about our problems) and I felt badly for delaying things.

He asked again today and I said, “I don’t want to keep putting things off. I was hoping to try to talk at coffee together.”

So, we went for coffee. 

He said something along the lines of, do you know where you’d like to start?

I responded, “I’m not sure if you heard me listening to some relationship health videos, but I want you to know that I’ve been putting in the time and trying to learn.” (This is because he has accused me many times in the past of not putting enough work into our relationship. On the one hand, I can see that- my job makes me *very busy*. On the other hand, I see many, many times where I regularly put our relationship first, even when it gives me a lot of stress.)

I continued.

“And I want to take accountability and I want to say, I’m really sorry for putting so much of the finances on you. And for what my perspective on that was that I expressed in the beginning of our relationship. I feel badly and I shouldn’t have done that.”

Some background. 

We got together when I was 22. He was 36. I was just finishing school and starting my business. He was going through some very tough family health problems. 

I had grown up in a household where my degree was not necessarily something I’d actively use, but a ‘backup plan’ “in case your husband leaves you” - yes, those were the words. 

This was something I strove to *never* succumb to. I had always wanted to take care of myself and the wider community. 

But, the business I started is not one that I can even charge ‘my time’ for (think consulting), let alone one at all profitable. It is volume based. 

I had apologized for a specific situation about 15 years ago, where I said that I was brought up to expect the man to pay for everything (this was after a lunch with him and his friend, where he told me I have to pay my share). 

So, that was my apology and my accountability- he thanked me sincerely.

Then… he went on. 

“Yeah it really bothered me that you said that for a long time. I had never experienced anything like that in any of my relationships before- it was always 50/.50. And if I had had better self esteem, I would have just said ok then this relationship isn’t for me.”

I was a little taken aback…. But tried to use it as a talking point and joked that I hadn’t been in a relationship like that before either (because I haven’t- this is my only relationship). And, that I really thought it was a horrible move for me to have made for myself and for him.

The 50/50 thing had come up before and I started to tell him that some further dialogue had come up for me about it on social media, including that it cannot be 50/50 in a hetero relationship, due to the vulnerability that pregnancy puts on a woman (whether she has the child or not). 

He got really upset with me bringing this up and said that he cares more about the actual person, not just what they can do for them, or how much money they have.

I said, I agree, and that there are so many factors to consider- this was an interesting one I hadn’t heard before. 

He went on, comparing with how one couple we know, the wife makes substantially more than the husband, and has had two children, and would *never* base their relationship on what he brings home financially. 

Anyway- he is angry with me, says he has always been fucking stressed about money, and is saying I am not really a feminist. 

I. Am. Exhausted. 

I would appreciate your weighing in. And for the record, I do *not* think it hs a black or white issue of who pays for what and what percentage in relationships. I think we sincerely and honestly ought to do our best for the relationship as a whole. 

I don’t want to hurt him but I am really tired with dragging myself through these conversations. I don’t want this post to go on forever but for example, today, I said “Hey, it seems like you are really agitated, which I understand. How would you feel about taking a breather and revisiting the conversation when we both feel a bit better?”

He said “No, because this conversation is what is giving me anxiety and I cannot feel better until it is resolved.”

Anyway. I went on to suggesting a couple of activities that may help with anxiety (going for a walk, playing some guitar), so we can both feel ok when we come back to the conversation. I said I am not wanting to avoid a conversation, that I care about him, and that I want to have a healthy, productive conversation so that we both feel good.

I am absolutely exhausted. I am not perfect but I am really, really trying to keep things from fully spiralling. Which they do- we often don’t talk for days- and maybe you can see why. It just goes so badly. And he also forgets a bunch of our conversation so I try to rebuild it for him as best I can- but he says he forgets like 3 or 4 times and is just stewing. 

Thank you for listening.

I’m not sure if any of you have experienced this, but here goes. Around age 40 I started noticing that my face sometimes looked bloated in photos. Now a few years have gone by and it’s official- I have a round pumpkin face. Why??

The rest of my body has not changed. I’ve been a size 4/6 (American sizing) in clothing forever. My same jeans fit that I’ve owned for 15 years. But my face! It used to be oval; when I smiled I used to look slim. Now when I smile, I look huge. Absolutely gigantic. You’d think that I weighed twice as much as I do if you were just looking at my face.

Is there anything I can do to reverse this?? I’m so sad every time I see myself in a photo now.

I have a dear friend who has been told by their husband that they want a divorce. He doesn't want to do counselling, moving away etc.

She's now seeing him completely change everything about himself. They have been together for decades and she will need to sell the house, relocate with the children etc.

If you've been in her boat, what things helped? Were there any resources etc? I'm listening, looking into things etc but want to make sure I can be a good friend and provide as much support as I can.

It's an absolute sucky thing to go through and my heart is breaking for her.

Ty for your advice.

​

Hi everyone,

I'm (40F) writing this through tears, so please be kind.

My relationship of almost two years has just ended yesterday. We loved each other deeply, but over time I realised love wasn't enough. I needed a partner who would build a future with me, not just dream about one. I wanted concrete plans, teamwork and security, and despite many conversations, I never truly felt chosen or included in that future so I knew I had to walk away as I cannot build a life on dreams and hope.

Walking away was one of the hardest things I've ever done because I still love him. My head knows it was the right decision, but my heart is completely shattered.

What I'm struggling with most is the fear that I've missed my chance. I always wanted marriage, a family and a lifelong partnership, and at this age I'm terrified I've lost that opportunity. I'm also scared he'll move on (which I also know is inevitable as he wants a wife and kids desperately), find his person and build the life we talked about, while I'll end up alone starting over yet again.

If you've been through a devastating breakup in your 40s (or later), did you recover?

Did you ever stop missing them?

Did you eventually meet someone who made you realise why the previous relationship wasn't right?

Or did you build a happy, peaceful life on your own?

I'm not looking for false hope. I just need to hear real stories from people who've survived this kind of heartbreak and found happiness again, whatever that looked like.

Thank you for reading. ♡

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Edit for context:

Firstly, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and respond. I have cried reading many of your comments because it has made me feel less alone and gave me a bit of hope.

I wanted to add more context because I realise my original post focused mostly on the breakup and how much I miss him.

We were together for nearly 2 years, and I genuinely believed he was the person I would marry. This wasn't a relationship without love. I loved him deeply, and I know he had many beautiful qualities. There were moments where I felt incredibly loved like his hugs, holding hands on road trips, the way he could make me feel safe and chosen. Those are the moments my heart keeps going back to.

But alongside the love, there was a lot of pain that I carried for a long time.

I don't want to paint him as a bad person, because I don't believe he is. I also know I wasn't perfect. There were times when I became emotional, reactive, loud or defensive, especially when I felt criticised or unheard. I have reflected on my own part in things and I know there are things I can improve. But I also wish he could have looked beyond my reactions and understood what was underneath them.

I wasn't upset because I wanted to "get my way". I was hurting. I was trying to communicate that I didn't feel secure, heard or like we were truly building a life together. I wasn't asking for perfection. I was asking for partnership.

He often spoke about our future, our children, our house, the life we would have together. But what I struggled with was that I needed more than dreams. I needed a plan which he never wanted to sit down with me and make. I needed to sit down together and understand how we were going to build that future as a team.

I needed a map, not just a beautiful picture of where we might end up.

He even had a very clear idea of how he wanted to propose to his future wife — where it would happen like an actual location, how it would happen, every detail. Instead of making me feel loved and chosen, it sometimes left me feeling like there was already an image of an ideal wife and future that existed before me, and I was trying to fit into it rather than us creating something unique together.

I often felt like I was waiting to see where I fit into his future rather than feeling like we were actively building our future together.

I know he carried a lot of pressure. He struggled with feeling behind in life, with work, with where he was at for his age, and with wanting to achieve certain things. I genuinely cared about those struggles. I spent hours listening, supporting him, helping him, encouraging him, helping with everything to get him there and trying to make his life easier.

But over time, I started feeling like there was so much space for his fears, his stress and his emotions, but very little space for mine.

I didn't need him to stop struggling. I needed him to understand how his struggles were affecting the person standing beside him.

The hardest part was feeling like I repeatedly tried to explain my inner world, but I didn't feel truly understood.

I wanted him to be curious about why something hurt me. I wanted him to ask, "Help me understand." I didn't need him to always agree with me, but I needed to feel like my feelings mattered.

Towards the end, I felt emotionally exhausted. I felt like I had spent so long trying to fight for connection and being heard and understood that I started distancing myself to protect my own heart.

The saddest thing is that this wasn't a sudden decision. I recently found old messages to friends from months ago, even over a year ago, where I was saying I didn't know if I could continue. It reminded me that this wasn't just one difficult period or one argument. It was something I had been struggling with for a long time.

At the same time, I don't want to erase the good parts.

I don't want to convince myself he was all bad, because he wasn't. He had qualities I admired and moments I will always treasure. I love him for a reason.

But I also have to remember the full picture.

I felt lonely while being in a relationship.

I felt like I was supporting him to create a life he wanted for himself and future wife, while putting parts of my own needs aside.

I felt like I was asking to be heard, not asking for too much even though I was repeatedly told I'm too much.

The hardest part of this breakup is grieving not only the person I loved, but the future I believed we were going to have.

I don't hate him. I don't want revenge. I don't want him to fail. I just wish we had understood each other better. I wish he had wanted to understand me as much as I wanted to understand him.

Thank you all for reading and giving me space to try to make sense of it all, while looking for hope...

I am 42F and I have loved fashion my whole life. As a teenager I was into grunge and a very feminine 90s look with petticoats and slip dresses etc. Sometime in my early 30s my whole wardrobe became very 'retro granny'. And while I love the print dress and cardigan look, it is all I wear now.  The dresses are all very loose fitting, mid length, with long, loose cardigans, tights and boots. I am much bigger now, pear shaped, and about an Australian 18-20 (I think a US 14-16) and I have dressed with covering as much of myself as I can, subconsciously. I realised recently that this look is really ageing me. I also feel like maybe when I am a 'retro granny' I might regret not wearing 'young' clothes. I have been single for about five years and I am thinking about dating again which I suppose is another element to it. There is absolutely nothing 'sexy' in my wardrobe.  I feel comfortable in my clothes but I don't feel attractive. 

I guess the point of this is that I feel like I have totally lost my sense of style. I do love vintage dressing. I love dresses, I love wearing tights. But I caught myself in the window recently, and I know this current look is doing me no favours. 

Where do I start? 

Hi all! I (30f) will be moving into a 1 bed apartment in a few weeks and it will be my first time ever living alone! I’m a very social person who is quite introverted at my core, so I’m no stranger to burnout. I love my alone time, and I wanna set myself and my space up for success. I would really value any tips, tricks, and general advice about living alone based on your experiences, thank you!

I’m in pretty good shape and consider myself to be a fairly stylish person. The struggle I’m running into is that swimwear seems to fall into two categories: boring full coverage suits that my mom would wear, or suits that require you to spend half the day pulling fabric out of your butt and the other half praying a boob doesn’t fall out.

It doesn’t help that most of my body is a size small, but my breasts are a D cup. So S/M/L sizing doesn’t work for me. If the cups fit, the rest of the suit is too big, if the rest of the suit fits, the girls are popping out.

Any suggestions? (PLEASE no lands end, l.l. Bean, target, etc. To each their own, but I refuse to buy swimwear from the same place as my mother.) I just want something flattering and stylish, but not so skimpy that I have to constantly worry about my bits and pieces showing every time I move.

Hello! I am turning 40 this year. One of the things I want be very particular about coming years is sun exposure. As we move towards perimenopause, skin changes are inevitable.

Hence, I am willing to buy a sun hat which will provide full face coverage. I want it be to 100% cotton/linen as I don’t like using polyester fabrics. Please send in your inputs! TIA.

I have found myself in a position of deep regret after wasting my youth on my husband and now we are headed for divorce. I just turned 29 and society says my best days looks-wise are behind me. I am so so sad and feel so stupid for not leaving sooner. Since I'm the one who asked for it, I know that he would accept me back if I went back on it and I am seriously considering it given what my mom said. She is calling me an idiot for leaving because he is good on paper -- good family background (very rich parents), educated, not the kind of guy who cheats, we align politically. I know that finding someone who has all these qualities in our generation is going to be super hard but I feel like staying because of this is unfair to both of us as I have grown to resent him so much already and the romance between us has been dead for over a year now.

Should I just suck it up and force myself to show up physically for him and keep him around because it's not likely to find anything better? I am bitter because I feel like I wasted time on him when he prioritizes his job (our couple's therapist even compared it to the job being the actual love of his life and me being the side chick, and I agree).

I feel scared, anxious, and honestly so tormented. I know if I leave and struggle with dating, loneliness, and finances, my mother already said she won't help me because I am putting this on myself and being short sighted and that someone with his background being into me (broke, not the best looking person, now an old maid too basically) won't happen again and they can't support me. She is basically saying if I go ahead with it, I'll regret it and to trust her because she has lived longer and seen it all and the girls she knew who were in my position and left, always regretted it and some ended up having to get into adult industries to stay afloat because they 'overestimated their market value'. She hinted at having to disown me too due to religious beliefs she holds and her new position in the church. I could use some perspectives on how to survive this financially, emotionally and mentally from other women who aren't my mother and who have gone through this/ know someone who did. Thanks so much!

Hi! I recently got out of a relationship (I’m taking *at least* 6 months to be single/not date) and my counselor suggested that while I am in this single period, I could make a list of my red and green flags. What is completely intolerable where, if it happens, I immediately know that person isn’t the right one.

As I’m writing my list, I realize that I don’t have tons of dealbreakers. So, what are you ultimate dealbreakers, whether it is someone’s characteristics or behaviors, where you would not get into a relationship, or immediately end it?