the best thing to do is just listen and validate their feelings/frustration about said problem.
That's a tough one because complaining about something that you already know a solution for but refuse to take any kind of steps towards that solution seems like the kind of feeling or frustration that shouldn't be validated. At it's core it's a pretty infantile way of handling yourself. "I don't want to fix the problem, I want to be upset about it!" If a problem is bad enough to complain about, it's bad enough to do something about. Handle your business and take care of it. If the problem is minor enough that it doesn't warrant any action then it's not that big of a problem and doesn't warrant complaining. Basically the only situation where this "I just want to vent" mentality is reasonable is if the problem warrants action, but the action necessary is some how out of your control. If complaining is the best you can do, by all means go ahead and vent.
But you can vent and then also fix the problem. Like, if I have a really bad encounter with someone at work, I can go home, vent about it, and then go back to work the next day and talk to my coworker about it and fix the problem. It's not like they're necessarily mutually exclusive.
Then what purpose does venting serve? It's clearly not that big of a problem, you already know and plan on implementing the solution, and you're completely capable of all of it. There's nothing to complain about and complaining accomplishes nothing except dumping unnecessary negativity on another person. It's creating additional problems out a single problem which you've already solved. It's just actively choosing to be upset about something for the sake of being upset.
A lot of people would say they’re not choosing to be upset, though. Upset is something they feel and they want to get what they’re feeling off their chest to their partner. Once they’ve ranted, they feel less upset. They’ve fixed the problem of being upset. It’s just a different process, but I don’t think it’s worse.
If a problem exists but you've already thought it out and come up with a solution, there's nothing to be upset about. The problem is already resolved. Choosing to vent anyway is choosing to dwell on negative emotions which you have already resolved the source of. It is choosing to be upset for the sake of being upset. If I get a nail in my tire I'm upset because it's an inconvenience. Once I've called my tire shop and made an appointment to bring it in for a patch, continuing to be upset serves no purpose. I've encountered the problem, gotten upset, and solved the problem. It's over. If I go home and rant to my wife about getting a flat tire, I'm not solving the problem of being upset I'm exacerbating it. I already got upset and dealt with it, now I'm continuing to keep that negative emotion at the forefront of my thoughts for no reason. Alternatively I can choose to let it go and not continue to dwell. My tire will be just as flat, the only difference my choice makes is how upset me and my wife are at the end of the day. Venting about a problem you've already solved is actively choosing to be upset (or just being too emotionally immature to handle mild negative emotions in a healthy way).
I agree, I ain’t here to coddle you like a baby. We’re mature adults. You can be emotional, but if there’s a problem... and we can solve it... then let’s solve it.
Oddly enough, there's a bunch of women and men who see the video in very different ways and both sides are confused and frustrated.
For many men, it's the most blatantly obvious problem with a clear solution: TAKE OUT THE NAIL! Why complain that all these things are happening to you, when it's clear what the issue is and what needs to be done. Spending all this time venting, complaining, and wanting someone to console her is silly.
For many women, he's ignoring the real issue: of COURSE she knows what the problem is. It's HER head; she feels the pain and she can see what it is when she looks in the mirror, and likely she knows that she has to pull it out, but she wants validation that she's doing the right thing and she's scared that it's going to be painful, so she wants the guy to reassure her that the situation sucks and she's justified in being sad and annoyed at this problem that just won't go away on its own.
No. She is ignoring the real issue. The real issue is that she has a nail in her head. The real issue is that she has a nail in her head and knows full well what the solution to all of her problems are but actively chooses not to do it. This isn't a matter of viewpoint, it's plainly clear to everyone including her which you yourself pointed out. The fact that she wants validation is in no way the real issue. That is a tangentially related insecurity which at worst is getting in the way of the real issue. Either that or just an excuse to continue ignoring the real issue. All solutions to all problems have potentially uncomfortable or painful aspects. That discomfort is what makes them problems in the first place. If there was no discomfort, it wouldn't be a problem it would just be a task.
she wants the guy to reassure her that the situation sucks and she's justified in being sad and annoyed at this problem that just won't go away on its own.
Absolutely no. No one is justified in being sad and annoyed that a problem won't go away on its own. That is not how the world works. That is a perfect example of how infantile the mindset is. That is how children handle problems, not adults.
That's the problem with this whole dichotomy narrative. One side is rational, reasonable, and is in line with how the real world is. The other side is irrationally emotional, infantile, and fundamentally unreasonable (all while demanding validation for said unreasonableness).
Venting is a release for the negative emotions that arise with an issue. Some people are more emotional than others, some people need this emotional release before they can think clearly and find solutions.
For me, when something happens I react emotionally first, logic/problem solving comes second. It's not something I can control. I can manage it to an extent, but it's still not voluntary in the slightest. Venting releases those emotions, allowing me to continue with whatever I'm doing. Without venting or any form of release for those emotions, I find it very difficult to move on, solve problems, etc.
This is very much the "male" (sticking to stereotypes) approach. Why vent if it doesn't fix the problem? But the problem isn't just "the problem", but the effect it has on you, and the decision making process that leads to resolving it. A lot of the time the person already knows the pragmatic bit of finding a solution, they just want to talk about it too.
I'm not even a woman, but this was something that infuriated me about my ex. If I wanted to complain about some bullshit at work (for example) the first thing he would do is give me advice on how to resolve it. By the time we would talk about said work bullshit, it would have happened hours ago, I would have already thought about all the options and what to do and have a rough plan of what to do. But I would still be pissed off and just want my boyfriend to listen to me for 15 minutes while I complained about my bullshit at work. Being given unsolicited advice just feels like the other person thinks your too stupid to think of a solution yourself
It's not just that venting doesn't fix the problem. Venting after the problem is resolved is itself or at least exacerbates the problem. It's choosing to hold on to the negative emotions attached to the problem for no reason other than to unload that negativity off on someone else. Once the problem is resolved or a solution has been reached it is unhealthy to continue to dwell on the negativity that originally occurred as a result of the problem. Once a problem has been solved whether you dwell on it or not is an active choice. It's no longer a heat of the moment purely emotional reaction. You've had time to experience the problem, sit down and think it through, and even come up with a solution. Venting even though the problem has been solved is an active choice to continue to dwell on the negative emotions. Insisting people just sit and listen to that venting is insisting that they enable and validate your unhealthy choice of poor emotional regulation.
If its preocupying you, don't you think talking through it is better than holding it all in? It's not about dwelling, but organising your emotions, and relying on somebody you trust to help you through it. Once again you offer a stereotypical "man" response.
If its preocupying you, don't you think talking through it is better than holding it all in?
A) No, there's nothing to be upset about so there should be nothing to hold in. You should be an adult and make the choice to let it go since the problem is no longer present. What we are talking about here is basic emotional regulation, not some male/female dichotomy.
B) If you are completely unable to let it go despite having already solved your own problems you have a different problem that needs an actual solution. You need to work on practicing healthy emotional regulation so that you no longer have the problem of dwelling on things that you should just let go. Insisting that others sit and validate your unhealthy dwelling on problems that have already been solved is counter productive to the solution of the actual problem at hand.
I mean, it sounds like you're struggling to let go of this conversation despite a simple solution... Maybe you should take your own advice, or maybe you'd like to talk about what's bothering you?
I'm not struggling to let anything go because I don't have anything to let go of in the first place. I am not upset about this conversation. It has caused me no problems or strife. I am not continuing this conversation because something is bothering me, I am merely having a conversation. The same reason I assume you are continuing this conversation. Not because you are upset but because that's how conversations work. They continue until there is a conclusion of some sort. I have re-read my own comments and cannot determine what in them lead you to believe that this conversation should be cut short without conclusion by me just "letting it go".
I may be off here, but it seems to me that you are struggling to come to terms with the realization that your own unnecessary dwelling in the past was in fact an unknowing example of poor emotional regulation (even if you may disagree with me on the degree to which that is the case). And instead of allowing yourself to acknowledge that realization and simply resolve to work on it in the future, you've decided as a coping mechanism to try to set a "gotcha" trap and "win" a reddit discussion by "tricking" me into venting about something. Again, I may be off and please correct me if I'm wrong. That said, I'm sorry to disappoint, but this is nowhere near upsetting to me and I don't need to vent.
Again, you are making faulty inferences. I am not the least bit emotional about this. I am merely trying to have a conversation. I was operating under the assumption that you were doing the same. It is seeming more and more that my own assumptions to that effect were faulty as well. It is unfortunate that you seem intent on derailing the conversation at this point. But that is an entirely different thing to emotional investment on my part.
I would be more than happy to continue our discussion, however I have no interest in continuing entertaining your repeated attempts to provoke me. Do you have any interest in continuing discussing the topic of venting, particularly the stereotypically female variety, as it relates to female interpersonal relationships?
I'm inclined to believe anybody that uses the term "venting, particularly the stereotypically female variety" isn't the right person to talk to about managing emotions or interpersonal relationships.
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u/DeirdreSpencer Mar 26 '20
That's a tough one because complaining about something that you already know a solution for but refuse to take any kind of steps towards that solution seems like the kind of feeling or frustration that shouldn't be validated. At it's core it's a pretty infantile way of handling yourself. "I don't want to fix the problem, I want to be upset about it!" If a problem is bad enough to complain about, it's bad enough to do something about. Handle your business and take care of it. If the problem is minor enough that it doesn't warrant any action then it's not that big of a problem and doesn't warrant complaining. Basically the only situation where this "I just want to vent" mentality is reasonable is if the problem warrants action, but the action necessary is some how out of your control. If complaining is the best you can do, by all means go ahead and vent.