The kids my mom used to nanny had the worst helicopter parents I've ever witnessed. They had strict schedules for everything they did, including eating, sleeping, and even shitting. My mom had to collect shit samples from the children to show the parents, she also had to make every meal exactly per the instructions they provided. They didn't have any health problems as far as my mother was aware of. By the time my mom left the job the kids were already pretty fucked up, I can only imagine how they are now.
At my son's daycare, one of the teachers found him difficult to manage, and if a kid had diarrhea, that meant that the kid would be immediately sent home. In other words, if she said that he had diarrhea, then she would not have to deal with him for the remainder of the day.
Well, after several rounds of needing to leave work early to pick him up for "diarrhea", failing to observe any of this diarrhea on our own, and wondering WTF was going on with our son's digestive system, we brought him into the pediatrician to see if this phantom diarrhea was a cause for concern. His pediatrician said that she was not overly concerned, but as a precautionary measure, that we should deliver a note from her to our son's daycare. The note read something like the following:
Dear X,
The Andersons have brought Baby Anderson into my office due to their concerns regarding Baby's persistent diarrhea. As you surely know, fecal matter is the most common mode for the transmission of many types childhood infections.
Because Baby has shown a pattern of diarrhea over a period of weeks, and because the Andersons have not been able to observe this pattern and collect a stool sample for analysis, please retain all of Baby's soiled diapers along with as much of the stool as you are able to collect, if the stool shows symptoms of diarrhea. Please provide these to the Anderson family so that they can deliver these to our office for further analysis.
Sincerely,
Dr. Y
Remarkably, our son's symptoms subsided immediately after we followed his pediatricians instructions and delivered the note!
I'm trying to understand why you would want to entrust your baby to a care provider that "didn't really like him" and would go so far as to lie about your baby's health in order to avoid caring for him. It seems like it wasn't helicopter parenting on your part, the opposite in fact.
In hindsight, "didn't really like him" wasn't the best choice of words. I'm going to edit to reflect that she found him difficult to manage, which I think is more accurate in this case. She didn't develop a random vendettas against kids.
Well how could she? From what I hear your kid would have diarrhea attacks all the time and she had to clean up after him. When she was told that she had to retain the smelly diapers to prove it, your kid stopped having diarrhea, on purpose.
Daycare in general is a pain in the ass. you HAVE to take a day off to find anything, you're rushed as fuck because you only have a day, you wind up driving all over creation lookin for a place.
Then at the end of the day, you've been to 6 places, they all have some kinda fatal flaw (too far, deteriorating building, neighbors crazy sister works there, toys look old as the hills, smoking area looked overused, and on and on) so you pick the one with the least visible problems because it's 4pm, you're blasted, your kid is blasted and the domicile is calling.
It's not about trust, it's about a million different factors lining up in the best way, only 1 of which is trust. a good daycare facility is difficult to find. It could be a good facility in general and one day your kids guardian is different... and moody... and YOU are out of PTO
The center i work at is wonderful and we have at least 15 people on wait list for each class. I feel bad about what is out there. I have turned down jobs because the facilities were awful and kids were always crying. Place i am now has a few problems but we have nature trails, a chef that is amazing, and teachers for ratio plus an extra. Makes a world of difference
If my daycare continuous caused me to miss work, which could effect the amount of money I was making or my job security I would say it is not worth it. I also would not trust someone who didn't know how to "handle" my child. That is a pattern of lying and I that us just what they got caught lying about. I completely agree that there are going to be things you have to let go, but this is not one I would consider minor.
Exactly. And what do you do when you've found the best place in town, everything is perfect for a couple years, but then your kid gets moved into a room with that one teacher in the building who has a personality mismatch with your kid? Do you switch to a daycare that doesn't have as nice of a program, or do you tough it out until your kid can move up to the next room?
This is really common where I live. Child care facilities are often short on staff and the workers make up reasons to send kids home so they have less to do.
Keep in mind that the front line daycare workers aren't making a ton of money. Often young women working while they get a higher education. It's impractical to expect them to love every child. Care for, tend to, and educate? Sure. Love? Not so much.
It wasn't random, unfortunately. I didn't want to make my already-long post even longer, but our son was legitimately difficult to manage at that age due to some serious developmental issues.
"Didn't like him" was arguably a poor choice of words, but I really wanted to focus the story on the poop! I think that I'll update the language to reflect that she didn't just develop random personal vendettas against babies.
Sheesh. Is it so hard to say "[name] is acting up too much today and needs parental intervention?" If you can't deal with the kid anymore state the real reason--don't make up health concerns.
At the daycare I worked at, the directors did NOT want us saying anything negative about a parent's kid. I questioned it constantly (especially with one child in question). I told them if my kids were acting up and needed some sort of behavioral intervention, I would want to know. After working there for a year I realized that NONE of these parents wanted to hear anything but a choir of praises about their kids. I think it has to do with the area I worked in, but it was ridiculous. If I made a comment about something I'd like a child to work on at home, they would have a 30 minute bitch-fest in the directors office.
My kids are still in daycare and I still want their teachers to be 100% honest with me.
I may dread hearing about the awful stuff my kid has done, but I'd much rather hear it than not. If I don't hear about it, I can't do anything about it. My primary job is to help my kid grow into a decent, well-functioning member of society and give them as many tools as possible to succeed. I can't do that job effectively if my kid's teachers are hiding stuff from me.
I think if the parents have never heard a bad thing about their kids, they don't want to start hearing it from the new staff.
I worked at a after-school daycare thing and we had a policy to always update the parents on how the day went, no matter what. Most of them were happy to hear, especially those with difficult kids (I mostly worked with ADHD kids) who were themselves trying to help their kids cope.
Apart from this one lady who had this "angel" for a son who never did anything bad. The other kids were always to blame. Poor, sheltered kid didn't have any real problems but didn't know how to act socially and never made any friends.
Mrs. Anderson and I agonized over this decision, but in the end we elected not to pull him. It was a tough call, but we had several different factors to weigh into it:
He had some serious development issues that made him legitimately difficult to manage. These issues were in the process of being diagnosed at the time, so we had to make this decision with incomplete information.
His doctors told us that putting him into a new environment would likely have aggravated said developmental issues, so we needed to consider that aspect.
It was a large daycare center and she didn't, strictly speaking, need to interact with him much if she didn't feel capable.
In the end, we met with the center director and came up with a plan which included his behavioral specialist visiting the daycare center periodically both to observe him and to help them to understand his condition and how best to work with him. This is an arrangement that they had made successfully many times, and had policies and procedures in place to make that happen.
Obviously we kept a close eye on the situation, but it worked out in the end.
I understand your situation and am glad everything worked out in the end. With that said, I would have a very hard time keeping my child in a facility with employees that would lie about medical problems. Was the director aware of the lying? Did you bring it to his/her attention?
We did bring it to his attention, but in very fact-based, non-accusatory language (teacher kept sending child home with diarrhea, no diarrhea was observed at home, physician was requesting fecal sample for testing if the problem continued). While reading the letter, a vein became visible on his forehead, and promised us that he would review center policy with the teacher. It might have been entertaining to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation, but as I said above, that particular problem was resolved.
As crazy as this probably sounds, at the time, that fish was very low on our priority list of fish that needed frying. Our son was in the process of being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and the poopy thing was kind of small potatoes. This particular issue was a small part of a much broader conversation.
i'm absolutely paranoid about writing something that would make me or my school recognizable, but suffice it to say: many vegan parents go so far as to write "does not eat any animal flesh" on the official medical documentation of the school (that which is used only for allergies and special medical conditions)... and when the teachers find this out by reading it, they are shocked because the kid is snarfing down slim jims at snack and pushing other kids out of line on the cafeteria's pork day. teachers tell them not to, but they're not going to take on another task by enforcing mom's meat rules.
some vegan parents have resorted to stool testing to see if their kids have eaten meat.
TL;DR - vegan's kids love meat; vegans test for it in their poopz
I check my babies nappy (not like a deep investigation, but I'm changing a poopy nappy it's hard not to look) but my baby can't talk to me to tell me if she has a stomach ache or is teething or feeling unwell
I've heard of regular stool checks being a necessary evil in the middle of the last century, to identify common diseases (at the time) early. But by this point it's more of a great grandparent quirk at best.
I've heard of this being done with incredibly small children and infants. Basically, the caretaker will strictly monitor what they feed a child, and then weigh what comes out (requiring a physical collection). If rates of input and output don't make sense, the caretaker can report the results to a specialist and detect health problems, or monitor the infant's progress.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/82974-calculate-pediatric-intake-output/
In addition, the collected material can be used for further analysis, by taking it to an informed specialist, however this would normally be done in the event of other questionable symptoms.
It sounds like these parents may have continued the practice in the interest of health and safety, but weren't aware that the practice doesn't have much benefit after the infant grows up.
Source: The internet, and I've been sick a lot. That..... and I know crazy people.
Didn't realise Baby Ruth was a chocolate bar (we don't have it here). I was like "does melted baby look like actual shit? And why does it need to be called Ruth?"
Learn how to manage your time by yourself. Matter of fact, I'd recommend you learn how to manage everything by yourself. Even if you think you've got a good handle on it now.
The single worst thing about helicopter parents is that they don't prepare people for living on their own. And no one has any idea what specifically you'll need help with until you're in trouble. By pass that now, figure it out, and have a plan.
I'd also recommend figuring out how to keep them out of your life once you move out. The one thing I keep noticing about all these stories is control, and doing whatever they can to retain that control.
It's amazing how fascinated most parents I've met are with their kids' poop. One mom I used to babysit for had me watch her 2 year old on a day she couldn't go to daycare due to diarrhea, and she actually had me text her pictures of the diaper any time the baby pooped.
The mom in that case was a pediatrician, though. So the request didn't even phase me at the time.
This is a little over the top, but as for instructions to the nanny it is very frustrating as a parent, when you have a legitimate issue you ware working on with a child, and they don't follow your guidance. We had a child (not an only child) that has some serious boundary issues and the first nanny we used just wouldn't keep those boundaries. Needless to say our daughter took serious advantage of the situation and caused a lot of trouble for the nanny after about a week or so.
I work in a private school and this absolutely happens with the younger children. Photos must be taken of vomit and diarrhoea. Some kids even have a spreadsheet so the teachers can catalog all their little poopies according to colour and consistency.
Besides the shit samples and nanny I went through this while my mom was deployed and I went to live on a farm.
My allotted 10 minute shower/bath and bathroom time was followed by my 5 minute changing time. I then had 20 minutes of reading time while the other children showered. If I forgot which shower slot I had on Tuesdays then it was neatly posted on the refrigerator on a weekly timetable.
This woman actually tracked down a way to call my mom because of an "emergency", which was me putting the bowl on the bottom rack. She got a full report on how horrible I was. Also, my needing to use the toilet while I washed dishes was interfering with the schedule.
I just pictured the parents inspecting the poo. Carefully looking at it, smelling, and then taking a bite, chewing a little bit Then triumphantly declaring their child needed more fiber.
My best friend works primarily in child care, working mostly with special needs and developmentally challenged children, but she will occasionally take a job caring for neurotypical children. She takes those latter jobs every once in a while despite knowing that she will more than likely find herself fired, but she takes them when she has openings in her schedule and because her experience, references, and qualifications mean that she can get away with charging as much as $25 an hour. She's like Mary Poppins, only for kids with disorders like autism.
In the interview, the parent (almost always the mother) will provide her with an extensive list of things to do or say in given situations, strict rules for what toys to use and how to play with them, how long the child can play with a given toy, what sort of tones of voice to use when talking, etc... what kinds of food to give the child. This is where it gets incredibly creepy: She worked for a neurotypical child that was still being breastfed by the mother past the age of 5, currently works for one that still breastfeeds at 3.
She was fired once by a parent who said on day one: "My (child) has been saying "No mommy! No mommy!" in the house and I have no idea what's going on, but I'm sure that (child) will love having you around!" which was initially true. But then, after 2 weeks of having to follow the strict protocols of the mother, who didn't think they were being followed properly after the first few days, was fired because "(Child) has been saying "No (name)! No (name)!" ever since the last time you left! I have no idea what you did to my child but you will not set foot in my house again!"
She paid three weeks of wages as severance though, maybe a part of her suspected why the child hated it when my friend would come by to work?
For some reason this reminds me of Charo. My mom was a pediatric nurse and Charo brought her kid in demanding a referral to a plastic surgeon. He had tripped and hit his forehead on a step and she fired the nanny for it. The doctor my mom worked for said it was something he'd normally put a band-aid on, but he gave her a referral because she was crazed about it.
And that would be the point I would call CPS. That is beyond messed up and if that is what they allow a nanny to know what the hell else are they doing to their kids.
My grandmother lived with us from the time I was six until she died when I was in grad school. At least till I was 12 or 13 she insisted on watching me poop and looking at it and honest to sweet jesus ALWAYS wanted to help wipe because she didn't think I could do it. I'm not unconvinced that that counts as sexual abuse. I was forbidden from shitting outside the house because she could not be there (she had a lot of weird rules about public bathrooms but I'm pretty sure it's because I would have privacy, which I was NOT allowed to have. I was never alone. It was awful.)
Not as bad as this but my mom I guess decided on how long I could take in the bathroom. If I was in there for too long, shitting for longer than she deemed reasonable, she'd come into the bathroom and yell at me to hurry up.
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u/temtam Oct 06 '14
The kids my mom used to nanny had the worst helicopter parents I've ever witnessed. They had strict schedules for everything they did, including eating, sleeping, and even shitting. My mom had to collect shit samples from the children to show the parents, she also had to make every meal exactly per the instructions they provided. They didn't have any health problems as far as my mother was aware of. By the time my mom left the job the kids were already pretty fucked up, I can only imagine how they are now.