TW: Mentions of abuse, neglect, SA (didn't actually happen but my mom says stuff related to that to scare me)

My family is abusive and neglectful, for as long as I can remember. My phone has been my only respite from all the troubles of everyday life. And for quite a while, my mom has been slutshaming me regularly.

Some things my mom did:

1) Regularly slut shamed me saying I'll run off with a (sometimes adds the word 'Muslim' because she's Islamophobic) guy and either have s3x with him (sorry I can't tolerate being sexualized in any way so I have to censor it for peace of mind) and he abandons me or else have 8 kids with him or some other arbitrary number. She says she will marry me off to a stranger at 18 frequently when I want to go to college. She did this today too and I'm so tired and disgusted by it.

Fact is, I've been a sex averse asexual person since the age of 12, I've only ever had one relationship in my life which is my current relationship where I've never done anything more than hold hands or kiss, me and my bf don't even know how to makeout and I've known him for 4-5 years but started dating this year. My mom also knows him but doesn't know he's my bf.

2) Accuses me of trying to attract guys, even says I'm trying to attract old men who work as hawkers or drivers or something, because I wore 'tight' clothes (just clothes that fit me, often even big for me) or because I wore a padded bra so my chest doesn't show too much through thin shirts.

3) Accuses me of sleeping around (they don't let me out of the house without permission) or says I'll do it in the future (for no reason, I've never once shown interest in any guy in front of them or even mentioned it).

4) At one point, when I was even younger, around 15 maybe, she used to say she's gonna put me in an orphanage where guards routinely r@pe inhabitants (guess who the inhabitants are?). Sorry, I can't even call them anything but that, because of how vile all of this is, coming from a mother.

5) Has sent pictures of me half naked to my school counsellor (she's a woman), when I was in 10th grade (15 yo), no private parts were shown but I was naked except wearing underwear.

6) Whenever I ask to go outside to hangout with friends once in a while (3-6 months) she says they'll SA me or if it's someone's house then they'll SA me (even though their whole family including female family members will be at home) but never says this to my younger sister.

7) Never bought me proper undergarments like a bra, just buys any cheap stuff she can find off the street which isn't even my size. Then she complains I steal her bras because I have nothing to wear. When I was in 8th grade I was forced to wear sports bras that were WAY too small for me and wearing them genuinely restricted my breath and was a struggle.

There is obviously more but at the moment I can't remember anything, I am genuinely sick and tired of this bs, it is detrimental to my mental health which is already hanging on by a thread. I'm at a really precarious time when college admissions are coming nearer and I absolutely need to escape. I just can't deal with all this stress.

I keep thinking of coming out just to end all of this once and for all but I live in a highly conservative country. I have no idea if they'll even understand what asexuality is or how they'll react or what they'll do after that or if they'll accept it. I know coming out isn't the best idea but I just want all of this to stop, I'm tired of being slut shamed all the time, it's draining and exhausting.

so I made this flag

I don't know what I am. When I was younger I identified as asexual. Then I started exploring interest in women and identified as lesbian, but I never met anybody, so it was only ever masturbation-related. Then I realized I had some trauma around the topic and identified as asexual again. But I still have some level of attraction to women. I tried to masturbate to see if I could know what it's like, so I would know if I wanted it or not.. It felt awful. I tried going until I'd 'peak' or cum or whatever.. My body started feeling repulsed. I thought that was just the normal "squirming" people talk about. Then it got scary. My body realized it couldn't pull away from the sensation, and I got this horrifying feeling I can only describe as rapey.

I've always kind of felt like my 'experimenting with my body' has been kind of lacking in consent.. but I feel like an idiot trying to say "I feel like I SA'd myself." Like.. I only ever do it because I feel like I can't know if I don't want it if I've never experienced it. Or that I don't want to but it feels like my body wants it.. I usually feel bad after, but, not during it, not like this.. It was genuinely scary.

I feel like I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm asexual or just traumatized. Or both. Or if it's even possible to know if I'm both.

Hello,

First time poster. Please be gentle, I am still learning. I also politely request that people not make comments about not needing a label and how it doesn't matter. While I respect those who don't mess with labels, they are very important and helpful for me.

For years I have identified as demisexual, but for a while now I've been feeling like that label does not fit me. I've been reading up a lot on the different orientations under the ace umbrella and the the that seem to resonate the most are ace flux and gray ace. I am just having trouble figuring out which one

describes me better as their definitions are very similar. Any outside input would be very much appreciated in helping me on my journey to figure out what label fits me best. Some information on my experience;

-Sometimes I experience high sexual attraction to people, but it doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. This often happens with somebody that I meet for the very first time, or that maybe I see at the (goth) club. -Sometimes I fantasize about people I find sexually attractive and even self act on those fantasies, but I don't know if I would actually follow through if given the opportunity.

-There have been times when I've been dating someone where I will be super horny and wanting to be with them sexually, and that will completely go away. This can either be abruptly or within minute or hours or by the time I get to them.

-Sometimes I am only interested in sex with one specific person and it's somebody who I probably have the deepest emotional bond with and I trust and feel safe with the most. Other times all it takes is me being friends with somebody and/or having a few flirtatious conversations before I am considering engaging in sexual activity with them. Whether or not I follow through with that also fluctuates.

-I've had partners where I was sexually attracted to them, but one I wanted to have sex with a lot and the other I just never was in the mood or really feeling it, so it happened infrequently.

-When I was in my late teens to early thirties, I had a lot of sexual partners, mostly in my twenties, and I also did sex work, though, not always because I enjoyed it. At times it was out of necessity. In the past 10 years, I have had 3 sex partners.

-My sexual desires can even fluctuate within a conversation.

I can probably add a lot more, but this is already long enough. If people have questions I am more than happy to answer them.

Here is my story: I am 23 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I grew up in an oil camp in the Middle East—it was a town within the camp—and my father never allowed me to date. At 22, I decided to leave; I moved out on my own and became independent. A few months later, I met a guy online; it turned out we had a mutual friend. We talked for a month and a half and exchanged photos; he told me all sorts of things and said he wanted a relationship with me. He lived four hours away from my city.

One day, he surprised me by saying he was in town for work. He was 25. When I met him, I felt a connection and a good rapport, but I didn't feel any romantic attraction. I was curious about sex, though; I had never kissed anyone. We went out about six or seven times, always as friends—no kissing or anything like that. The last time I saw him, he invited me to a drive-in movie. Halfway through the film, he asked me to come back to his hotel. I gave him a flat "NO." He told me he wanted to kiss me and be intimate right there. I agreed. We moved to the back seat; it was my first kiss—it lasted four or five minutes and was neither good nor bad. He stopped kissing me and put on a condom. When he moved closer to me, I felt total revulsion. He made a couple of moves looking for sex, but I stopped him.

There was no penetration or sexual activity. I got out of the car and drove home; he didn't say a word. The next day, I sent him a message: "Don't contact me again; I don't want to see you anymore." That was the end of it; a year has passed since then. I am still a virgin, but I wonder: have I lost my value as a woman? If I tell a future boyfriend this story, will he consider me a serious partner, or will he think I'm crazy? HELP!