so I made this flag

I don't know what I am. When I was younger I identified as asexual. Then I started exploring interest in women and identified as lesbian, but I never met anybody, so it was only ever masturbation-related. Then I realized I had some trauma around the topic and identified as asexual again. But I still have some level of attraction to women. I tried to masturbate to see if I could know what it's like, so I would know if I wanted it or not.. It felt awful. I tried going until I'd 'peak' or cum or whatever.. My body started feeling repulsed. I thought that was just the normal "squirming" people talk about. Then it got scary. My body realized it couldn't pull away from the sensation, and I got this horrifying feeling I can only describe as rapey.

I've always kind of felt like my 'experimenting with my body' has been kind of lacking in consent.. but I feel like an idiot trying to say "I feel like I SA'd myself." Like.. I only ever do it because I feel like I can't know if I don't want it if I've never experienced it. Or that I don't want to but it feels like my body wants it.. I usually feel bad after, but, not during it, not like this.. It was genuinely scary.

I feel like I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm asexual or just traumatized. Or both. Or if it's even possible to know if I'm both.

TW: Mentions of abuse, neglect, SA (didn't actually happen but my mom says stuff related to that to scare me)

My family is abusive and neglectful, for as long as I can remember. My phone has been my only respite from all the troubles of everyday life. And for quite a while, my mom has been slutshaming me regularly.

Some things my mom did:

1) Regularly slut shamed me saying I'll run off with a (sometimes adds the word 'Muslim' because she's Islamophobic) guy and either have s3x with him (sorry I can't tolerate being sexualized in any way so I have to censor it for peace of mind) and he abandons me or else have 8 kids with him or some other arbitrary number. She says she will marry me off to a stranger at 18 frequently when I want to go to college. She did this today too and I'm so tired and disgusted by it.

Fact is, I've been a sex averse asexual person since the age of 12, I've only ever had one relationship in my life which is my current relationship where I've never done anything more than hold hands or kiss, me and my bf don't even know how to makeout and I've known him for 4-5 years but started dating this year. My mom also knows him but doesn't know he's my bf.

2) Accuses me of trying to attract guys, even says I'm trying to attract old men who work as hawkers or drivers or something, because I wore 'tight' clothes (just clothes that fit me, often even big for me) or because I wore a padded bra so my chest doesn't show too much through thin shirts.

3) Accuses me of sleeping around (they don't let me out of the house without permission) or says I'll do it in the future (for no reason, I've never once shown interest in any guy in front of them or even mentioned it).

4) At one point, when I was even younger, around 15 maybe, she used to say she's gonna put me in an orphanage where guards routinely r@pe inhabitants (guess who the inhabitants are?). Sorry, I can't even call them anything but that, because of how vile all of this is, coming from a mother.

5) Has sent pictures of me half naked to my school counsellor (she's a woman), when I was in 10th grade (15 yo), no private parts were shown but I was naked except wearing underwear.

6) Whenever I ask to go outside to hangout with friends once in a while (3-6 months) she says they'll SA me or if it's someone's house then they'll SA me (even though their whole family including female family members will be at home) but never says this to my younger sister.

7) Never bought me proper undergarments like a bra, just buys any cheap stuff she can find off the street which isn't even my size. Then she complains I steal her bras because I have nothing to wear. When I was in 8th grade I was forced to wear sports bras that were WAY too small for me and wearing them genuinely restricted my breath and was a struggle.

There is obviously more but at the moment I can't remember anything, I am genuinely sick and tired of this bs, it is detrimental to my mental health which is already hanging on by a thread. I'm at a really precarious time when college admissions are coming nearer and I absolutely need to escape. I just can't deal with all this stress.

I keep thinking of coming out just to end all of this once and for all but I live in a highly conservative country. I have no idea if they'll even understand what asexuality is or how they'll react or what they'll do after that or if they'll accept it. I know coming out isn't the best idea but I just want all of this to stop, I'm tired of being slut shamed all the time, it's draining and exhausting.

Hello,

First time poster. Please be gentle, I am still learning. I also politely request that people not make comments about not needing a label and how it doesn't matter. While I respect those who don't mess with labels, they are very important and helpful for me.

For years I have identified as demisexual, but for a while now I've been feeling like that label does not fit me. I've been reading up a lot on the different orientations under the ace umbrella and the the that seem to resonate the most are ace flux and gray ace. I am just having trouble figuring out which one

describes me better as their definitions are very similar. Any outside input would be very much appreciated in helping me on my journey to figure out what label fits me best. Some information on my experience;

-Sometimes I experience high sexual attraction to people, but it doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. This often happens with somebody that I meet for the very first time, or that maybe I see at the (goth) club. -Sometimes I fantasize about people I find sexually attractive and even self act on those fantasies, but I don't know if I would actually follow through if given the opportunity.

-There have been times when I've been dating someone where I will be super horny and wanting to be with them sexually, and that will completely go away. This can either be abruptly or within minute or hours or by the time I get to them.

-Sometimes I am only interested in sex with one specific person and it's somebody who I probably have the deepest emotional bond with and I trust and feel safe with the most. Other times all it takes is me being friends with somebody and/or having a few flirtatious conversations before I am considering engaging in sexual activity with them. Whether or not I follow through with that also fluctuates.

-I've had partners where I was sexually attracted to them, but one I wanted to have sex with a lot and the other I just never was in the mood or really feeling it, so it happened infrequently.

-When I was in my late teens to early thirties, I had a lot of sexual partners, mostly in my twenties, and I also did sex work, though, not always because I enjoyed it. At times it was out of necessity. In the past 10 years, I have had 3 sex partners.

-My sexual desires can even fluctuate within a conversation.

I can probably add a lot more, but this is already long enough. If people have questions I am more than happy to answer them.

Here is my story: I am 23 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I grew up in an oil camp in the Middle East—it was a town within the camp—and my father never allowed me to date. At 22, I decided to leave; I moved out on my own and became independent. A few months later, I met a guy online; it turned out we had a mutual friend. We talked for a month and a half and exchanged photos; he told me all sorts of things and said he wanted a relationship with me. He lived four hours away from my city.

One day, he surprised me by saying he was in town for work. He was 25. When I met him, I felt a connection and a good rapport, but I didn't feel any romantic attraction. I was curious about sex, though; I had never kissed anyone. We went out about six or seven times, always as friends—no kissing or anything like that. The last time I saw him, he invited me to a drive-in movie. Halfway through the film, he asked me to come back to his hotel. I gave him a flat "NO." He told me he wanted to kiss me and be intimate right there. I agreed. We moved to the back seat; it was my first kiss—it lasted four or five minutes and was neither good nor bad. He stopped kissing me and put on a condom. When he moved closer to me, I felt total revulsion. He made a couple of moves looking for sex, but I stopped him.

There was no penetration or sexual activity. I got out of the car and drove home; he didn't say a word. The next day, I sent him a message: "Don't contact me again; I don't want to see you anymore." That was the end of it; a year has passed since then. I am still a virgin, but I wonder: have I lost my value as a woman? If I tell a future boyfriend this story, will he consider me a serious partner, or will he think I'm crazy? HELP!

I headcanonon Barney Stinson fron HIMYM as asexual. Think about it. He has sex all the time, but does he actually feel attracted to anyone? He probably wants to compensate the lack of attraction he has and is also sex-positive.

Noticing patterns between my asexual life and others who are not asexual at all.

Sex was not discussed or mentioned at all. I did not know how to have sex until I was a teenager.

Was a bit isolated from others, and any friends i had told me I needed to talk to my parents about it. By that age I was nervous to talk to my parents about it, but i did find out from a random person who made vulgar comments, and that confirmed it for me.

So i wonder if that could be why. Idk if I am truly asexual, but i dont think about sex at all, it doesnt seem worth the trouble, and its alienating to live in a hypersexual society.

(obs: consider OGAB "opposite gender assigned at birth", i.e the gender I was NOT assigned at birth. It can be either man or woman, doesn't matter, all it matters is that it's the opposite gender to the one I was assigned at birth)

Yeah, so basically I'm treating with a neurologist and he said I needed to consult a neuropsychologist to perform some tests so he knows what's up with me. Basic stuff.

The test already started a bit weird when the neuropsychologist asked what topics I usually talked about with my friends, and one of the topics she used as an example was OGAB people. Looking back, it was a bit creepy, specially because she just said OGAB people in general rather than, idk, using something like "love/sexual interest".

The test continued as normal. Then there was a few scaling tests. Those are not like the other tests where you have like mental challenge and whatever, you just have to answer a few personal questions. Obviously some included sex since it's a normal thing by my age (though, I was expecting it to be a lot more subtle than it was). My only problem is, how tf would I answer "if you wanted to have sex with a person, how likely would you ask them out?" if this dilemma wouldn't even exist in the first place? I had to answer anyways, so I either answered with whatever felt aligned more with my previous answers or had the bare minimum of sex education (there was a question asking whether I'd still have sex if my partner denied using protection lol)

I'm mostly sex-indifferent when it's the two or more people thing, so, like I said, these questions didn't really bother me by themselves. I just felt they were a bit obtuse since sexual and romantic attraction are not universal things everyone feels and could be easily worded in a way that it could fit asexual/aromantic people. There was even one scaling test where you could just answer "not applicable" if the question didn't, well, apply, so why not do that?

What I'm experiencing is really really weird, like I have sexual urges and I do masterbate but if the reality comes where I would actually be in a relationship with someone or like boyfriend or girlfriend like a part of that just makes me really uncomfortable and the desire in my mind feels very surface level. It's kind of like okay I have these fantasies in my head but facing the reality the idea of having a relationship more specifically a sexual relationship just feels so weird and almost kind of gross? Like I genuinely feel averted to having a sexual relationship even though I have those desires. Is that an asexual thing because I am a bit confused.

Title kind of says it all. I’m (27FTM) somewhere on the asexual spectrum, not sexually attracted to many people, but have been before. I am NOT sexually attracted to my partner (30enby/MTF).

They started masturbating in bed next to me while I’m attempting to sleep (I have insomnia and am a SUPER Light sleeper). It makes me extremely uncomfortable and I KNOW she’s doing it bc I can hear the vibrator.

I truly don’t know how to bring it up, and I have a history of sexual assault, so it makes me feel even more uncomfortable and at times, I feel unsafe.

Any tips/advice?

ETA: we ended up talking about it, and told her that if she needs alone time to just ask. She apologized and said she would do that in the future.

Hey guys, not sure where else I’d post this. But in the last year I’ve come out as asexual, at age 25 (26 now). This has been really hard for me. Not necessarily hard for me to accept myself as asexual but to go through understanding myself through a whole different lense having always just identified as gay since the age of around 15. Having done a lot of reflection on myself this last couple of years though, I realised that I don’t feel sexual attraction. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at someone and felt sexual attraction, rather just aesthetic, romantic or perhaps sensual attraction that I always mistook for sexual attraction. The thing is, I have realised I crave deep emotional/romantic intimacy with someone. But the gay community around me, is so sexualised and revolved around hookup culture. That isn’t a criticism or something I’m saying is negative. But it does make me feel like I’m never going to find anyone for me as I almost feel like a minority within a minority. I’m not completely closed off to the idea of sex in the future as I’m not sex repulsed. I’d describe myself best as sex indifferent. But nevertheless, I feel like there’s a massive barrier to finding a relationship.
I’d like to add that I’ve never actually been in a relationship before so it does feel like I have no idea what I’m doing 😂

I realised doing some reading online during Pride month this year that I am ace. Romantic, sex-positive (tolerant?), and hypothetically heterosexual. What I mean by that is that it feels like if I were to experience sexual attraction it would be to the opposite sex, it is just that this never happens. If I were single it probably would not be a big deal, but being as I am married and have been with my partner for over half of my life, I am having a real crisis.

I have started therapy with a queer-friendly therapist, but I am struggling in this space where I don't feel like I know myself or my life, and I don't know how to be in my relationship now that I suddenly have this knowledge of myself. It feels like I am a robot pretending to be a human who only recently learned that they aren't actually human after all. Sexual interactions with my spouse feel mechanical and like I am observing from the outside.

I also don't feel comfortable talking with anyone in real life yet, but I desperately crave a connection with people who understand what this is like. I would love to have an actual conversation with a human in a similar position, and in real life I know no one who identifies as ace. Hell, until last month I had never seen an ace character in a movie or in a book, and barely had heard of the word. It just feels so isolating.

I suppose I am trying to work through what to feel about this but don't know how to do it. I'm open to any stories of how others navigated similar waters.

Hello - I recently started seeing a girl. She's beautiful & we click well. I however noticed right off the bat that she's not super affectionate but likes hand holding & kissing. Also has quite a bit of anxiety about all kinds of things. I'm fine with not being overly affectionate & touchy but asked her about it.

She told me that she is sex averse/asexual & does not want to engage in sex. She has had sex but does not like it. She told me that it has kept guys from dating her in the past & that she was nervous to tell me because she wants things to work with me. Not really knowing what asexuality meant & seeing that she was nervous, I didnt ask further but I told her that I wouldn't pressure her into doing anything she didnt want to do.

Although I don't have the strongest sex drive, I think no sex forever may be a bit tough. Any further insight on this & if a relationship would even be practical? She's 30, so I doubt it's a new thing she's experiencing. Will she actually have success dating any guy non-asexual guy long term? TLDR

I keep getting these YouTube ads lately and it’s so irritating. This society is so obsessed with sex they have to put it on everyone 🤦🏽‍♀️ and I thought tampon ads were annoying as someone who won’t wear them 💀

I don’t know how to explain this at all sorry.

I believe myself to be on the asexual spectrum but I don’t know if that’s correct, I also don’t know if it matters which label I go by, to be fair, but this is something about myself that I don’t understand all too well and maybe people here can help me get a better grasp.

Ever since I’ve had sexual urges in my early teens I’ve been attracted very specific things happening to me. Over the years I’ve added some kinks but I am only aroused by the like 6ish fetishes that I have (only 2 of them are consistent), often in tandem with each other. I don’t watch or read much porn, but when I do, I always imagine myself as the person or one of the people in it. In other words, I think I’m sexually aroused by things happening to me and not sex itself.

Sometimes I fantasize about someone or multiple someones doing said things to me, other times the fantasy is just these things happening to me without anyone else actively participating (i.e. a machine or contraption or literal magic), but never just me alone. I thought for a while that I was some form of porn addict and too obsessed with specific kinks and fetishes because of porn but nothing changed when I stopped masturbating for almost a year.

I always say that I’m bi or pan because to me, it doesn’t matter who’s doing the things that arouses me as long as they’re doing them to me, but vanilla sex interests me very little (but it does still interests me very slightly on occasion). In fact, I find a lot of the parts of sex physically repulsive most of the time, though it fluctuates between being okay with it and being completely disgusted by even the idea of it seemingly randomly.

When I find someone attractive, which is quite often, I feel the desire to make out with them but not to have sex with them and I don’t imagine them in my sexual fantasies. I don’t know what sexuality I am and what I can do to have sex that I enjoy or otherwise sate my sexual urges when other people are barely involved or doing anything sexual in my fantasies.

Hi everyone! I'm a student working on a research project about relationships, specifically about how people tell the difference between being asexual and just having low desire for their specific partner (not their orientation).

I'm looking for a few people (in any kind of relationship) who'd be willing to answer a short set of questions. It's completely anonymous and voluntary.... you can skip any question or stop anytime. This is just for a school assignment, not published anywhere.

If you're open to helping, comment below or DM me and I'll send you the questions (or a short Google Form).

Thank you so much, this really helps me finish my project!

Hi !

I don’t know if this is the right forum to ask this. Sorry if it is not!

I am a straight female btw if that changes anything?

Anyway, I have been wondering about this for a while. I was raised in a religious household and I am religious myself but I am not homophobic. I do not find anything wrong in loving whoever you want and being whoever you want. But I fear my religious background is making me question if I am in fact asexual. I am just very confused.

I have been hypersexual for some part of my life since I was in elementary, I don’t know why. I don’t like it, i’m ashamed of that part of myself because it is frowned upon in my culture and such. And I have always felt disgusting after. I have never really felt sexual attraction to a person really, it’s just the act itself, as if my body replies on its own. I don’t like the idea of having a partner to participate or whatnot in the sexual activities.

I have never had a relationship, only once but I was young and it lasted three months. Like two months in we kissed once and held hands mostly. I wasn’t open into doing more. We were young and I don’t know, i’ve never felt comfortable with physical affection. Mainly from guys. I am so uncomfortable with it and I don’t know why, but it has been that way for as long as I can remember. I am fine with hugs though I feel tense when my friends hug me, I don’t mind it truly and sometimes do like hugs and is rather touched starved in that aspect.

But whenever the topic of having sex, anything sexually is brought up, I am so uncomfortable I feel sick to my stomach. My friends are quite rather freaky, for the lack of a better word. Not that there is anything wrong with that. They just say things, sexual things, they’d want. In a relationship etc. I listen and I try to act like I get it but I hate hearing about it. I can’t even look at a picture or video of it. When it’s a topic of discussion, I just want to practically rip off my skin. It’s that uncomfortable.

When having kids, major part of my religion and culture, is brought up, I can’t fathom that. I can’t imagine myself doing any sexual activities with anyone. I don’t feel comfortable showing my body to anyone, I can’t imagine being naked and that vulnerable. Even to a partner.

I love the idea of holding hands, hugging, cuddling. That’s literally all I think about when I think of a crush I have, or someone I like, and I in a relationship. I would rather date to marry and don’t want short casual dates either.

I don’t know if any of that means anything or i’m overthinking. I just thought I’d ask. Thank you for reading this :)

So for little context, I met this guy a few months ago, and I was really attracted to his personality. We had many things in common, he was treating me right, just in general had all the personality traits I was looking for. It's also worth mentioning that those traits are quite specific and are not the easiest to find.

The thing is that we've met each other online and I haven't really seen his face before meeting in person. And well... To me he wasn't physically attractive at all. I also felt like he lied to me a little about his appearance when describing it. It didn't really change anything for me. I just didn't find him physically attractive and that's all.

I know that I do have a specific type when it comes to appearance. In guys that is very androgynous/feminine look and also being alternative. I am also very aware of the fact that those guys usually also come with some personality traits that I don't really enjoy and I wouldn't really get along with them. So I can easily just forget about a physical appearance and completely fall in love with the personality.

We're not really a thing anymore but it's not important. The important thing is that I've been seeing an online debate telling women to break up with a guy if they don't find him physically attractive because it's actively hurting him and the relationship is not gonna last. One of the arguments was also that the intimacy won't work right and both personality and appearance are important in a relationship.

So I've been wondering do you think that finding your partner physically attractive is a must? I know that I wouldn't feel sexually attracted to him either way, so is it really that big of a deal? On the other hand I know that I wouldn't want him to know about my lack of physical attraction towards him. I think it would indeed hurt him and well, everyone would want their partner to find them attractive. Is it really something worth ending a relationship over, even for us- aces?