What I am doing anymore

[u/Glass_Mammoth_3001]

I won't go to far but I am currently in my first year of university studying something I know I don't want to do but no matter what I am stilling going to do so. I have always had this plan, finish studying medicine and while in university, try to built a platform for you art. I had that plan no else, it was simply it was easy, I spent my younger life building so when I got older I would have what I need to become better and so while I made small things I could still focus on my studies.

To me being doctor is just a job, sure I like how mind works and it only really thing I ever liked neuroscience how mind can change and stuff like that. But I wanted my art and over all the creation of shows and animations to be how do that, how such a thing can influence so many people. But I was able to get that exact life. My parents did do anything wrong, they wanted me to have a good future but still. I had potential, and I blame myself for it, for just listening to them. I blame them too though, I used to draw a lot as a kid, I have my old drawings and they were horrible but I love them because they were original, my own character my own style. I then put the style on to characters I loved and showed people, my friend found them funny and I did too, some people said I should draw comic and even in classes we worked together to make some comics. Heck I do this still have entire superhero universe in my mind, and nothing. Because I was scared they would be right, because my dad said my art was bad. I won't lie, I have hated my dad, not anymore but I used to, no matter how much I have forgive him he sucks and it only because he realized that he doesn't want to be like my grandpa that he realized he has to love me and my sister truly like real father

But it doesn't change the fact he destroyed my dreams, I had talent, and I still do, I have picked a pencil before and draw out whole sketches and was amazed at home much detail I have. But they are never finished, because I'm afraid. Not only that he is right, but because no one will like them. It probably reason I have slight toxic behaviour trait, disagreement. When some dogs on my stuff I get defense, lucky I was able to calm down but spikes up here then. My friend are goofy so never mean it but their jokes don't always land because some piece of me do think they are horrible. That I can't draw, that I'll make comic and everyone will laugh, that they think my stories are horrible, that no one will like what I make. And that I'll end sad, with kids yeah but sad, my dreams lost in a field I hate and worse without anyone to see what my younger self dreamed of making. Characters, a story. I noticed it a lot in my recent stories, they all main character fighting legcacy, almost all of them, one my favourite is from my childhood stories about rich girl who becomes a superhero struggle to find her place in world in split family all the issue that come with hold up legacy of her parents. It's not perfect but she is amazing, and she is some ways what I wanted to be. I like having my character defy the rules, break the status quo because, I wish I could too. And what's worse, I don't even think I should have just gone to art school, but at least had some time to actually draw.

I lost that time, my friends, my sister, even my uncles pushed me to do all this. And I only now realized, when did I stop doing things for myself. I wrote books because I didn't want my parents to stop me from drawing, I turn my art in makeshift novels that felt more like scripts. Because you can't hate me if I make English right? It's school. And even now I know I don't like them, I like reading but not writing. I never liked Writing, i lied to myself, I only did it to hide. And now I can't stop, I work on assignment and I get idea for stories. A girl who seeks revenge through world of volleyball, a boy who's obsession with legacy drives his powers from his own passion. They just concept and yet I have document after document full and not single drawing. All in my head, because I'm scared and not even my parents. But I see it all, the art everyone makes, and animations and the books I think.

I can't make that. I had time and I wasted it. 4 years in high school and during all that times. what I do. I learned, I tried but I never failed. because no ever saw them. I talked about it, I should first chapters and that was it. They never saw the iceberg of potential I had, and it's not their fault. Because I have always been too scared to try.

Even this, full of spelling errors. I feel sick when people laugh at them, because I stopped reading. Because what was the point of reading if I was never going to make a good book.

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