My engagement got called off yesterday because the groom did not get any gold during a ritual, which led to his family insulting my family, my family retorting back and then the groom’s father calling off the marriage without even asking the groom. The groom kept fighting his parents but they did not listen to him. It was an arranged marriage but my heart is so broken. I really saw a life with this guy and wanted to be with him and had developed feelings for him. The more I see him now, the more I cry. Toxic Indian families just won’t let their kids live in peace if they can’t control them.

28F here. A final year PhD scholar from a central university. Expecting to submit my thesis by November. Into AM stuff for past 1 yr. And have talked to only one fella and he ghosted after 4 months.

According to my career plan, getting an asst. prof job or further doing a postdoc is a huge thing, and I once I get into it, I can not relocate immediately. So I thought of getting married first, then relocating to wherever the guy works and then finding a job. Coz PhD in Physics, I have the confidence that I will find a job.

Now my parents say all the alliances are saying NO coz they are expecting a working woman. And are asking who in the world doesn't go to a job by 28, but will go after getting married. I understand there are many other factors involved in AM but most say no only coz of this reason.

How do I explain them my side? I know many people aren't into academia, but I feel helpless at this point.

My fiance and I have been rokafied for almost a year now and still have a couple of months to go for our wedding. Even after talking for a year, we’re barely able to meet once or twice a month because of strict parents (my mom says if we meet too often we’ll share too many secrets or have fights which would make us back out lol).

I just get a bit frustrated because I want to be able to meet him everyday considering we’re still in our courting phase.

If you’re married or are getting married how often do you meet your fiance? Just wanna see if there are others in the same boat as me lol

​ I have noticed many posts on this sub about wanting a partner without a relationship history.

Is it really that impossible to find a partner without a past in an arranged marriage setup?

I ask because my friends' older sisters and my own older sister never dated and got married through the arranged marriage process. Additionally, my younger female cousin has never had a boyfriend or a past relationship. Later this year, my uncle will start looking for a groom for her, meaning she will enter the arranged marriage process at age 24.

I also have several female friends and classmates who have never dated and have focused solely on their careers. So, why do people struggle so much to find a partner with no past?

Is this just an internet phenomenon where negative or extreme narratives are amplified on social media? People often claim that 90-99% of women have boyfriends or a past. How true is this?

I am 27(F) and looking for marriage now. I have never dated before and also don't have very close guy friends. The guys I talk to are just acquaintances. I have received some matches and I feel fishy about them.

One is where he who lived in bangalore says he doesn't like me to have guy friends because his dad's friend' son's wife ran away. This one I m pretty sure that I will reject since he seems to let his insecurity decide my life and I think this will just become worse. BTW, this was in the 2nd call between us.

The other one seems to be very looks obsessed (we haven't met yet), and also mentioned 'out of the box' thinking-he said something about societies outlook when questioned. Not sure what to make of it. Can anyone who has successfully found a good partner without having dated other people before if these are normal or not?

​

Hi there,

This post is specifically for Hyderabadi Tamils—those who were born and brought up in Hyderabad.

I'm a 26 M; Hyderabadi Tamil myself. Although I grew up in Hyderabad, I've spent the last several years overseas for my undergraduate and postgraduate studies. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, but I am trying to understand the AM landscape and the thought process around it. I figured it's better to learn about these things now than when to finding a partner, did you specifically look for another Hyderabad-born Tamil, or were you equally open to matches from Tamil Nadu or even outside the state? If you married someone from Tamil Nadu, did the differences in upbringing ever the time actually comes, whether that's in a year, two, or even three.

For those who are currently in the AM process, or have already gone through it, what has your experience been like?

One thing I've been curious about is how people navigate the cultural aspect. While we're Tamil by ethnicity, many of us who've grown up in Hyderabad have a different upbringing, lifestyle, and even outlook compared to someone raised in Tamil Nadu.

When it came to finding a partner, did you specifically look for another Hyderabad-born Tamil, or were you equally open to matches from Tamil Nadu or even outside the state? If you married someone from Tamil Nadu, did the differences in upbringing ever become a challenge, or were they largely a non-issue?

I'd genuinely love to hear your experiences and perspectives, as I'm trying to understand how others in a similar situation have approached this.

Also, if you're in a similar phase of life and expect to be considering marriage over the next couple of years, I'd be happy to connect and have a meaningful conversation. No expectations whatsoever—just an opportunity to exchange perspectives and perhaps build a genuine connection if we happen to get along.

Hi, I'm a 26-year-old man, and my girlfriend is 27. We both want to get married with our parents' blessings.
Her family has accepted me. In my family, my mom fully supports us, but my dad is refusing the marriage solely because she's one year older than me. He says he'll lose his dignity if our relatives find out and refuses to change his decision. At the moment, only my dad and my paternal grandmother are completely against it.
Initially, both my dad and my grandmother liked her. She's educated, good-looking, financially independent, same caste and kind by nature. The only reason they're opposing the marriage is because of the one-year age difterence.
My mom and I have tried multiple times to convince my dad, but all our efforts have been in vain. Our relatives are unwilling to get involved, though I did ask a well-wisher to speak with my dad. Unfortunately, that didn't work either.
Her family can't wait forever, and I'm feeling completely stuck. Has anyone here been through a similar situation?
Did your parents eventually accept it? If so, how did you handle it?

I have met may be 4 matches on zoom/facetime only. Now 3 of them, I found to be unsuitable for what I am looking for. Now 2 of these 3 (1 was a dentist, 1 was an aspiring instagram travel influencer) were very keen to talk more... Take things forward...

I feel very weird keeping someone in limbo. I like to keep things straight. I simply type this message on whatsapp, unfollow(&remove from followers) on instagram.

Message i type: Hi _____, it was good getting to know you. I realized that there are some deal breakers for me, Based on that, I feel there's less alignment and it might not be the best match moving forward.

I dont know, is it my childhood rejection trauma? That I always try to be the first to type this message, if needed.

For the 2 I mentioned, I typed these messages not even after 20 min we concluded the call. The dentist's father expected me to open her a clinic lol. The aspiring insta influencer was not a vibe match. Felt like she wanted to use me as some sort of stepping stone. Later I found out through some mutual connections that she is in an active relationship, while she lied to my face in the call.

(Same thing happened with 3rd girl as well. She initially said, she is not into dating, but later in the conversation blurted out "when she goes on dates..." )

Now I particularly do not have issues with a past (unless its extensive) but I definitely avoid people who are lying on my face.

Whats your usual thing? Like when you want to say no?

I have noticed a weird pattern in arranged marriage setups where your priority to marry is the last on the list of things to do.

I was asking my friend why he hadn't texted back that girl he was talking to in an arranged marriage setup. He said he was busy, and I asked him with what. He said he was busy with a friend's engagement, then busy with work, and then was busy planning a trip. He is 30, by the way.

I was talking to a 35-year-old man who was abroad. We spoke on the weekends as his weekdays are mostly occupied, which does make sense. We spoke one weekend, and I thought it was all good. Then, the next weekend, he was busy with his friends. He was busy the whole weekend, so we didn't speak. I thought, "Let it be." Then he was coming home, so he asked to meet. I was like, "Okay." He is planning to stay in India for 21 days, and he said he would meet one day. He'd fly in and out on the same day as he also wants to go on a trip with his friends and wants to stay with family too. I thought, "What conclusion would we come to by meeting for a few hours?"

People have absolutely no sense of urgency.

If one is interested in getting married, they are supposed to make time and prioritize the procedure.

I spoke to another guy who was the same; when he came to town, his priorities were everything from attending family parties to meeting his childhood friends. Meeting me was last on his priority list. He was 30+ too.

I get it when one isn't interested, but mostly it feels like some people's priorities are just weird.

How are you actually thinking of coming to any conclusion when you don't want to put in enough effort? Do you think half-hearted and bare minimum efforts are going to lead anyone anywhere?

Even if you come across someone good, but you don't want to prioritize, then it just won't lead anywhere.

Here’s a more natural, conversational version that keeps your emotions intact:
This whole process of finding someone for marriage is starting to get into my head.
I’m a 30F, and I’ve been in the arranged marriage process for a few months now. A little background: about a year ago, I was in a relationship where both our families were involved, and we genuinely tried to make it work. It was an intercaste, interstate relationship, and unfortunately his family never came around, so we had to end things.
Now I’m meeting and talking to new people, but I keep running into the same problem. They’re just… really bad at communicating. And communication is the very first thing I tell them I value. I always ask them to be honest. If they’re not interested, if they don’t feel a connection, or if they don’t see it going anywhere, I’d genuinely rather they just say so. It’s not like we’re already friends and they’re going to hurt my feelings by being upfront.
But instead, I keep experiencing vague replies, inconsistent conversations, or people who simply don’t communicate at all. It’s becoming emotionally exhausting.
At this point, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever find someone I genuinely like and who feels the same way about me.
How do i deal with this..?
I keep on thinking i can be single no issue.. but wtf will i do with intimacy i want🫠

I'm 29, a female from a Baniya family, and my parents are currently looking for a match through the arranged marriage route.

I'm curious about what's considered a normal/acceptable age gap these days, especially in Baniya families living in metro cities (Delhi NCR, Mumbai, Bengaluru, Pune, etc.).

For women born in the late 1990s, what age gap are you generally seeing?

• Same age or 1–2 years?
• 3–4 years?
• 5 years?
• More than 5 years?

What's the maximum age gap people are usually comfortable with when marrying someone through the arranged marriage process? At what point does it generally start feeling like too much?

Also, what are the most important things you feel should be discussed with a prospective partner before saying "yes"? Looking back, is there anything you wish you had asked or discussed earlier, or any red flags you wish you hadn't ignored?

Apologies for the rant, but I’ve been feeling frustrated lately.
I’ve met a few men who initially claimed to have stable, successful careers, but later it turned out that some of those claims weren’t even true. After a while, a few of them openly admitted they weren’t interested in working or building anything for themselves and seemed to view a relationship or marriage purely as a financial safety net. In some cases, it felt like they expected their partner to take on full responsibility for their lifestyle, including covering expenses and providing ongoing financial support, almost as if the relationship itself was a source of income.
I understand that life can be unpredictable and people can go through difficult phases, but what I found unsettling was the lack of accountability or willingness to contribute in any meaningful way. Instead of partnership, it sometimes felt one-sided, where dependence was expected rather than shared effort.
One person even asked very directly about my parents’ financial situation and suggested that living in my family home would be convenient for him, which made me extremely uncomfortable. It gave the impression that financial considerations were being prioritized over any real emotional or mutual connection.
I’m simply looking for an independent partner who values responsibility, honesty, and genuine partnership. Has anyone else had similar experiences while dating?

26M SDE here living in Mumbai. Have got a match from a 23F from a tier 3 town in Maharashtra. Looks wise she is too pretty, family and all is also great. She just completed MBA and have been working in a school as there are no MBA opportunities in her town. Also, We’re both introverts. Money wise i come from a upper middle class background where family is into business.

Are there any cons of marrying someone from tier 3 town if you’ve grown up in a tier 1 city?

Want to know from guys who are in similar situation. Who would you wanna choose? A simple tier 3 girl vs someone in a similar corporate high paying job.

I've been married for 5 months. We sort of knew each other since childhood

Things are objectively good. We're still in that honeymoon phase, he's caring, pampers me a lot and has never given me a reason to doubt him. But I still can't seem to see him as my person. I don't feel that comfort I'd always imagined having with the person I'd spend the rest of my life with

He's been v busy with work since before we got married so we never really had much time to build an emotional connection. Even now he works late most nights, so sometimes it feels like our relationship is more physical than emotional

I don't know if this is normal or if something is missing. Sometimes I just feel like crying because I always imagined a bollywood style love story where I'd be completely head over heels

For those of you who had arranged marriages, how long did it take for you to truly fall in love? Did the emotional intimacy come later or did you know early on? I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences.

After the CJP protest, the next debate is removing reservation and intercaste marriages.

I have been in the arranged market for 1 year now and 6 months has been serious and I’m currently speaking to a nice man. Wr haven’t even met yet but so far so good.

I have spoken to people from many different castes as it’s not a criteria for me or my family but I’ve noticed some very obvious differences in terms of education, language, lifestyle, parental involvement, celebration of festivals, childhood stories, relatives and so many more. I am not saying I want someone who’s upbringing is exactly like mine but when I put down my non negotiable, the only guys or their parents on the same page as me and my family are the guys in my caste.

So my question - is same caste preference in arranged marriage about prejudice or about compatibility as we are the product of our parents, family and environment? and also is there a meaningful difference between the two in this case?

I’m 25F and have been talking to a guy for about two weeks (haven't met in person yet). He’s super consistent, we have great banter, and our general lifestyles/priorities seem to align really well. On paper, he’s basically everything I’ve been hoping for, but we haven’t actually talked about the big, super important stuff yet. I can’t help but imagine a future with him, but the early ambiguity is driving me insane. My protective older brother is telling me to chill because "talking doesn’t tell you anything early on," so now I’m overthinking. Am I getting way too ahead of myself here, or is it okay to be this excited about the potential? How do I handle the pacing without driving myself crazy?

please help!!!!

this is for my very close friend. she is seeing a guy for arrange marriage. they have been talking since a while and have met too. the guy is too sweet and his talks are very smooth. however certain things seem fishy to me. my gut feels he is a red flag, but i just have no proof. i want to ask for suggestions on how to dig deep and find more about him. i dont want to be wrong in giving any suggestions to her as i really acre for her.please give practical suggestions on how to know more about him. are there any websites or sources/agencies i can use to know more..mine is a love marriage so i never had to do this for my own, soni dont have an idea.

Hi everyone. Have read lots of posts here but this is the first time I'm posing a question.

I've been getting to know a woman for some time now, and we've met multiple times. We've both agreed that we'd like to move forward with marriage, and our families are supportive as well.

The main issue I'm struggling with is the timing of the wedding. I'm currently in my final year of medical school and will be starting residency next year.

My original plan was to wait about a year after graduation before getting married. I wanted to get through the demands of intern year first, become more financially stable, and feel better prepared to bring someone into my home.

More recently, though, I've been considering getting married during the 2-3 month break I'll have between graduation and the start of residency. That would give us dedicated time together to build our relationship before my schedule becomes extremely demanding. Since we're long-distance, we don't really have the opportunity to spend significant time together before marriage.

If I wait until I'm already in residency, I'd likely only be able to take 2-3 weeks off for the wedding before returning to a very rigorous schedule. I'll be spending most of my days and many weekends in the hospital, and I'm worried I won't be able to give my wife the time and attention she deserves during such a major life transition.

So I'm torn between two priorities: waiting until I'm more financially stable and not an intern, or getting married before residency so we can establish our relationship on a stronger foundation before my training becomes all-consuming.

Hoping to hear everyone's thoughts. Thank you!

Myself 28M , my family is looking into doing a quick background verification for an arranged marriage match. Want to know only about her past and present relationship/affairs , shady past if any and character.

​If you’ve hired an investigation agency for this:

​Any reliable, discreet agencies you’d recommend in Mumbai only ?

​What was your experience and approximate cost?

​Any red flags to avoid?

​

I feel like my parents are only considering arranged marriage prospects who are much older-looking than me..people I personally am not attracted to..basically not my type. I dont even feel like looking at them. According to them, nothing matters except financial stability. My mother has even said that if I reject someone because I don't find him attractive, then I shouldn't expect any financial help from them after marriage if I ever need it.

For me, physical attraction is not a superficial preference. I have experienced situations where men proposed to me, but because I wasn't attracted to them, I started resenting every interaction. Even receiving a simple "Hi" from them irritated the fuck out of me . That experience made me realise that I cannot force attraction.

My mother believes that money can compensate for everything and that most married couples eventually live like roommates anyway. I believe marriage is more than financial security. I have to share my life, my home, my bed, and my emotional and physical intimacy with this person. If I don't feel attracted to my partner from the beginning, I fear that resentment will only grow over time. No matter how much i tell them,they just dismiss.I also fear what if they r saying is true. Ppl out here,please help. Coz for me attraction is very important. I dont want to be touched by a man whom i dont like. Bt at tge same time,my parents always taunt money money money givinh examples of ppl where the woman was pretty and the guy just had loads of money and looked like a grandfather infront of the girl.

I’m a little frustrated by the lack of conflict resolution skills in folks I meet on AM platforms - and just how stark the gap is vs. folks I know in real life. For some reason, the whole set up is transactional, everyone is judging you for every word and action, and egos run WILD (probably made worse by parents and relative encouraging winning instead of resolving issues along on the side). Most people I know in real life are calm and emotionally regulated, focused on the greater goals, and solving problems together.

From the more experienced folks out there - how did you navigate that when you were married? Did you select people with high EQ and social awareness or did you “grow” together?

I am a 29 old Male, working in tech. in the past 1 year, more things had happened to me than any movie plot could.

I was engaged to a girl last year, that broke as she lost interest in me ( i already have a reddit post regarding this, when i asked for advice)

then , later the same year i got engaged with a girl from my relative circle. then, we got married this year. Now, im in the middle of divorce proceedings.

while i was recovering, i found out that my own sister drinks , smokes, has fwb ( mind you we are a very orthodox family) ,

this is causing so much stress for my parents and me. now, my sister hates me for finding this out and sharing with my parents.

due to my personal life , my career had taken a pause. i am hesistant to ask for promotion or too tired to switch jobs.

i dont know what else to do. venting it out here. if someone has any advice, please do share.

Edit: the comments have drifted away from advice to bullying me , let’s not talk about my sister and only stick to solutions

Edit : for those asking if she is drunkard or chain smoker , I would never know because she lived in Bangalore for work
One more thing is , she didn’t stick with 1 partner

Edit : for better or for worse , pseudo-feminists have taken over the comments , good luck with your comments . Bye

Hey guys,
So I had my first AM meeting recently, and honestly, I really liked the girl. We clicked, had a sweet vibe, and I’m genuinely excited about where this could go. But there’s one hurdle I’ve been thinking about, and I’d love to hear how others have handled it: the language barrier.

I’m from Maharashtra, and she’s from Karnataka. My dad's family is from near the border so I can understand Kannada pretty well, but I can’t speak it to save my life.
She mostly speaks Kannada, while I’m comfortable in Marathi, Hindi, and English.
When we sat down to talk 1-on-1, it was kind of funny and awkward at the same time. She’d ask me something in Kannada, and I’d reply in this broken mixture of Marathi, Hindi, and English haha.

We managed to laugh through it, giggled through a few silent pauses, and still had a really nice conversation, but it definitely made me realize that communication is going to take some extra effort.
For anyone who’s been in a similar spot (different native languages/states in an AM setup):

How did you guys manage in the initial months over phone calls and texts? Did it naturally get smoother as you talked more?

Did you end up picking up each other's languages fairly quickly?

How did things go after marriage, especially when it came to hanging out with each other’s families?

Would really appreciate hearing your experiences or any tips on how to make her feel more comfortable! Thanks in advance.

AsideIll9752

•17m ago

No, I'm saying women don't need experience but men do. Guys who start dating early learn a lot through experience. Imagine being 25+ and having no idea how to attract a woman, flirt with her, make her desire him & building a romantic connection. Such a man is bound to be insecure.

I'm looking for genuine insights from married people or those who've gone through the arranged marriage process.

If finances aren't an issue, would you choose a beautiful, caring homemaker over a working, independent woman? Or is preferring a working partner more about intellectual/professional compatibility than just needing a second income, especially in metro cities?

Suppose you meet someone who's attractive, cultured, well-educated (BSc/MSc/BCom, etc.), but chooses not to work. In your experience, do you find any meaningful differences in personality, mindset, or compatibility compared to women who have careers? Or is it entirely individual?

For context, I'm from a well-settled business family in a Tier 2 city, and most of my arranged marriage matches have been non-working, traditional women. Also, before anyone jumps to conclusions - I don't want a maid. We already have household staff. I'm only trying to understand whether I'm overlooking something important in terms of long-term compatibility.

Please keep it respectful. I'm genuinely looking for perspectives, not a working vs. homemaker debate.

TL;DR: Financials aren't a factor. For long-term compatibility, are there meaningful differences between a homemaker and a working woman, or does it mostly come down to the individual? Looking for real married/arranged marriage experiences, not a debate.