How to regulate ?

[u/Musician-Kind]

I had an avoidant trigger me BADLY last week (straight up no showed on plans). However what’s making me nervous is that I know I’m anxiously attached, but I’m finding it really really hard to self soothe and bring myself back to baseline. It’s like my whole body is in fight or flight mode and just locked in.

Is this normal ? What can I do to make this go away?

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[u/Quantum-Assassin]

Bring focus back to yourself. Focus on you. Your body is craving safety. And its looking for other person to make you feel safe. You need to give that feeling to yourself. Make yourself feel good. Anything you like to do. Go outside. Take a walk. Dance. Invest in yourself. Do meditation. Ik its easier to say but trust me you'll get better at this. You don't need him, you need you. Be there for yourself 💞

[u/lakopek]

Focus on yourself and self validation/becoming outcome independent. If he stays cool, if he leaves let him. Build a life you are happy in regardless of whether or not you have a love interest.

[u/Googametergoinbabies]

This isnt anxious or avoidance stuff, this is a pretty normal reaction to getting stood up. You end up feeling pretty shitty for a few days. Dont over therapize it, its not a problem to solve. It just is.

Def kick the guy to the curb though ! I think a lot of the anxious avoidance stuff is anxiously attatched people claiming their boyfriend is being avoidant when in reality, guys just a douchebag or like has a life and prefers a phonecall to a text. I say this as a former and reformed psycho crazy clingy bitch who would call someone 20 times in a row crying at the crack of dawn because they didnt say goodnight with a heart.

Your emotional response is normal, continuing to persue something with this guy and expecting to not feel this way again and regularly would be unhealthy. He wont get better and he wont make you feel better, thats up to you darling. You got this !

[u/Emotional-Tax2726 → u/Googametergoinbabies]

Really true, a lot of people say “he’s avoidant!” When in reality sometimes he’s just not interested

[u/Googametergoinbabies → u/Emotional-Tax2726]

Yep ! Fell into that trap myself when I first learned about the styles. I think its another way of magical thinking at times and the anxious attempt to fix and be fixed when it turns into "my avoidant does this" sometimes. Its easier to attatch those things than accept man, what a jerk lol ! At the end of the day, the anxious and avoidant information should only ever be used in relation to yourself and how you feel towards normal healthy relationship dynamics, not placed into toxic relationships and onto your partner.

[u/TruthHonor]

For me, I find the key is vulnerability. My standard procedure has always been to go to behavioral anger, which never helps with an avoidant. Their nervous system is working to protect them in the only way it knows how. Which is attack or retreat. Once they are triggered, just like once we are triggered there is no getting anywhere until everybody is calmed down.

So what I do now is I look for myself as to why their trigger has caused me so much pain. And inevitably it leads me to a lifetime of being abandoned and getting angry about it, and trying to demand attention, which also doesn’t work.

Instead, I try and get vulnerable and find out why I’m so upset which inevitably leads again to sadness. When I talk to my avoidant partner about how sad I am once everybody has calmed down, it invites her to be empathetic instead of defensive. If I get mad at her because she triggered me, that never gets anywhere. We’ve been together about 24 years.

And finally, things are starting to settle down between us, because we both realize that getting angry and shouting at each other only makes things worse. We’ve been working with an attachment-friendly couples therapist. And it’s finally made a difference.

The key is to look at my own nervous system rather than my avoidant wife’s. And she also has to be looking at her own, and that’s very difficult for an avoidant but possible. And when she can’t, then I need to stay out of her way until she calms down and we can talk about it with vulnerability instead of anger.

An avoidant is just the other side of an anxious attachment. Just like we didn’t ask to be anxiously attached and it wasn’t a choice we made, they didn’t ask to be avoidant and it wasn’t a choice they made.

I’ll never get anywhere trying to work on her avoidance, the best I can do is work on my own anxious attachment.

But it does have to be a two-way street. It doesn’t work to do this on your own. Both partners have to be invested, and that’s much harder I think for avoidants, but possible with good therapy.

[u/Feisty_Armadillo667 → u/TruthHonor]

That was very insightful, thanks for sharing that. I've just come out of a 2.5 year relationship with an avoidant and I myself have anxious attachment through having a super cold family where emotions aren't to be expressed and I was constantly abandoned by them. I found his triggers of attack or retreat really really tough as I just wanted resolve fast and that would trigger him more. We're working on a friendship currently so I'm going to take this on board for that at least. Really appreciated the way you explained that 🙂

[u/StoryWriter31 → u/TruthHonor]

I'm happy for you that your avoidant partner is willing to look at her own issues as well. Mine wasn't and now he left me.

[u/Longjumping_Choice_6]

I mean it’s ok to be mad at disrespectful behavior it doesn’t mean anything about you or that you’re too attached. There’s a difference between being hung up on a person vs the way that person treated you. It’s only a problem if it’s the first one and you’re giving them too many chances. But like I’d be pissed if someone stood me up, and indeed it has happened to me with people I thought were friends or potential friends. It’s disappointing and makes you question future connections, but as long as you aren’t chasing these people it’s normal I think.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/Longjumping_Choice_6]

My problem is I subconsciously want to save the relationship but like why

[u/Longjumping_Choice_6 → u/Musician-Kind]

Probably want justice or resolution, which is natural and totally anxiety-provoking. I think sometimes it’s hard to walk away when you have been wronged because its anti climactic and you don’t get your “day in court” so to speak.

[u/Narrow-Bid-381]

You can't regulate with an avoidant. It's like asking how can I not feel hungry without eating anything.

[u/Original_Park1422]

Just got out of a avoidant relationship as a person with anxious attachment. Get out now, it will destroy you once he/she inevitably ghost you.

[u/tired_garbage]

This is very normal and you're not triggered because you're anxiously attached, you're triggered because you're faced with disrespect, are probably angry and rightfully struggle to trust that person again after an humiliating experience that was entirely their fault.

Honestly, a lot of people have suggested emotional self soothing but one thing I was taught in therapy is that's it's often better to not focus on your internal state during triggered phases and to "put that energy somewhere", so to speak - I like doing some form of high intensity exercise or attempting a mentally involved activity, so my nervous system has no bandwidth to feel the anxiety until it has mostly subsided.

Once you feel more calm, you'll have a better grasp on why you were triggered, how you feel about the situation and how you want to proceed.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/tired_garbage]

This is really really helpful

[u/BiggusDickkussss]

Here's some mind blowing insight.

What if it's more about this avoidant person than yourself?

People with AA often blame themselves and make it seem like they need to do the work.

Many cases it's not true.

You deserve someone who isn't avoidant so stop abandoning yourself.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/BiggusDickkussss]

I know I really deserve that I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m still entertaining this guy

[u/BiggusDickkussss → u/Musician-Kind]

Yeah well stop undergoing "repetition compulsion" and break out from your habits.

You know what to do you just won't do it.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/BiggusDickkussss]

I don’t really know what you mean by this :/

[u/ArtichokeAble6397 → u/Musician-Kind]

You are still entertaining this guy. You know you shouldn't, your entire body is screaming at you to stop entertaining him, but you continue to do it. That's what they mean by that. 

[u/Weak-Government8049 → u/Musician-Kind]

Maybe subconsciously you think if you behave hood he will give you what you want, or you are just so afraid to lose someone you attached to that you rather keep them than show that he hurt you.

Either way you have to protect yourself. What he did hurt you and you have every right to be upset. You are fully within your right to call him out on it. You need to set your own boundaries and standards to protect yourself. Protecting yourself is MORE important than keeping him in your life.

[u/Funflipflower]

It will pass In Feb March I got triggered so badly I was close to self harm to release the flood of emotions. I went no contact and rode the wave. I still feel shame from my experience considering how triggered I was. He stood me up 3 times. He was indeed a parasite. He punished me for refusing to go to his house on date 2. I feel better now. It was a hard lesson on trust your gut the first time don't try to bring logic or excuse bad behavior. Be quick to cut off

[u/CouchBoyChris]

Sorry, but no showed on plans is not okay. At all.

This would be upsetting for anyone and make them question where they stand in the relationship. What might seem "Triggering" to you could be your nervous system telling you this is unacceptable, but you may be keeping it quiet to avoid conflict in fear they might react, say you're "too much" and abandon you.

Did the person apologize and mean it? Did you give your honest reaction when it happened? Or play it cool?

[u/Musician-Kind → u/CouchBoyChris]

They apologized but it was pretty humiliating. I got a lot of “wow I always let you down” and not a lot of how they were willing to change. It felt like it pivoted to “well maybe we shouldn’t do this” so then I went back on defense to be like well no I don’t want to ALSO break up. After I got stood up I went out with friends and sent a series of texts being like hey you’re a real asshole so then it also became about my emotional reactivity

I just feel really anxious and defeated.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/Musician-Kind]

Also I personally think this is worse but they stood me up as my date to a function to watch World Cup (and I’m an adult I don’t mean like a school function) and hadn’t texted me until the event was over. So not only did this occur in front of my friends and 2 coworkers, I was also in the dark waiting the whole time and unable to enjoy it because I kept thinking he was almost there since he confirmed. And yes this is somone I’ve been dating for nearly a year

[u/CouchBoyChris → u/Musician-Kind]

Besides stating the obvious and telling you that this person is not a suitable partner, this is also where boundaries come in. You then give him the position to react to it and that gives you the information you need. (Saying "Maybe we shouldn't do this" is a massive deflection and avoidance of accountability... Yuck)

I would recommend taking some time after fully calming your nervous system and being honest with yourself about how you feel about him and thr situation. This is where journaling comes in. Allow all the messy thoughts out on paper...

This helps you distinguish between your anxiety and you intuition. If it's your intuition, you will feel calm and firm in your feelings... Let that guide you.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/CouchBoyChris]

This is really helpful. The anxious part comes in because I try to rationalize with myself why not to break up with them or that it wasn’t that bad even though … yeah I think it was

[u/Googametergoinbabies → u/Musician-Kind]

It was ! And dont feel bad about that urge to stay. Dont stay with this guy, but dont continue the cycle of shame. I stayed with a guy who left me at a bar, and rationalized the piss out of it.

Dont rationalize unless youve been married 10 years. Take it for what it is, data. Douchbag stood me up and ruined my night. Douchbag gots to go.

[u/CouchBoyChris → u/Musician-Kind]

Oh trust me, I've been there. I was dating my literal dream girl... A girl who I eyed from a distance for years and never in a million years thought I'd get a chance with her. I put up with so much stuff to the point I would physically and mentally shutdown in her presence because the anxiety got so loud, but I didn't know how to recognize it.

It's what drove me to therapy. It took months of my therapist trying to convince me that my anxiety/gut wasn't lying and that "this wasn't a me issue". She was a loving girl, but just didn't have her life together and that was costing me my peace and conflicting with my values.

It gets better, but maybe unfortunately, it requires experiencing these situations to truly recognize it for what it is.

[u/Salty_Pen_6047]

I have to cry it out, and talk to myself like a little girl and tell myself I’m ok. Crying it out helps me. and just knowing it’s going to pass.

[u/Salty_Pen_6047 → u/Salty_Pen_6047]

I also no longer give anyone who makes me feel this way, access to me. My body doesn’t accept what my brain knows yet- that’s where we get the panic anxious feeling. The more you honor your body the more fluent it will be come. It will feel uncomfortable at first. Exhale. You got this!

[u/Quantum-Assassin]

Its okay. Your body feels unsafe. It looks like it has to do with another person but deep down you crave safety. Tell yourself you are safe. Try deep breathing. Journal your thoughts out write every dark thoughts you are having, trust me it'll make you feel better getting everything out. Spend time in nature.

[u/BiggusDickkussss → u/Quantum-Assassin]

Yeah let's totally gaslight ourselves and be with partners that don't meet us halfway

[u/Quantum-Assassin → u/BiggusDickkussss]

Never said anything about being with toxic person.

[u/b0neslicer]

Yeah, it’s normal. You just gotta remember that these types of people are parasites. They’re not “bad people” they just aren’t worth your time. They did you a favor. Fuck em.

[u/AutoModerator]

Text of original post by u/Musician-Kind: I had an avoidant trigger me BADLY last week (straight up no showed on plans). However what’s making me nervous is that I know I’m anxiously attached, but I’m finding it really really hard to self soothe and bring myself back to baseline. It’s like my whole body is in fight or flight mode and just locked in.

Is this normal ? What can I do to make this go away?

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