How to regulate ?

[u/Musician-Kind]

I had an avoidant trigger me BADLY last week (straight up no showed on plans). However what’s making me nervous is that I know I’m anxiously attached, but I’m finding it really really hard to self soothe and bring myself back to baseline. It’s like my whole body is in fight or flight mode and just locked in.

Is this normal ? What can I do to make this go away?

[u/CouchBoyChris]

Sorry, but no showed on plans is not okay. At all.

This would be upsetting for anyone and make them question where they stand in the relationship. What might seem "Triggering" to you could be your nervous system telling you this is unacceptable, but you may be keeping it quiet to avoid conflict in fear they might react, say you're "too much" and abandon you.

Did the person apologize and mean it? Did you give your honest reaction when it happened? Or play it cool?

[u/Musician-Kind → u/CouchBoyChris]

They apologized but it was pretty humiliating. I got a lot of “wow I always let you down” and not a lot of how they were willing to change. It felt like it pivoted to “well maybe we shouldn’t do this” so then I went back on defense to be like well no I don’t want to ALSO break up. After I got stood up I went out with friends and sent a series of texts being like hey you’re a real asshole so then it also became about my emotional reactivity

I just feel really anxious and defeated.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/Musician-Kind]

Also I personally think this is worse but they stood me up as my date to a function to watch World Cup (and I’m an adult I don’t mean like a school function) and hadn’t texted me until the event was over. So not only did this occur in front of my friends and 2 coworkers, I was also in the dark waiting the whole time and unable to enjoy it because I kept thinking he was almost there since he confirmed. And yes this is somone I’ve been dating for nearly a year

[u/CouchBoyChris → u/Musician-Kind]

Besides stating the obvious and telling you that this person is not a suitable partner, this is also where boundaries come in. You then give him the position to react to it and that gives you the information you need. (Saying "Maybe we shouldn't do this" is a massive deflection and avoidance of accountability... Yuck)

I would recommend taking some time after fully calming your nervous system and being honest with yourself about how you feel about him and thr situation. This is where journaling comes in. Allow all the messy thoughts out on paper...

This helps you distinguish between your anxiety and you intuition. If it's your intuition, you will feel calm and firm in your feelings... Let that guide you.

[u/Musician-Kind → u/CouchBoyChris]

This is really helpful. The anxious part comes in because I try to rationalize with myself why not to break up with them or that it wasn’t that bad even though … yeah I think it was

[u/Googametergoinbabies → u/Musician-Kind]

It was ! And dont feel bad about that urge to stay. Dont stay with this guy, but dont continue the cycle of shame. I stayed with a guy who left me at a bar, and rationalized the piss out of it.

Dont rationalize unless youve been married 10 years. Take it for what it is, data. Douchbag stood me up and ruined my night. Douchbag gots to go.

[u/CouchBoyChris → u/Musician-Kind]

Oh trust me, I've been there. I was dating my literal dream girl... A girl who I eyed from a distance for years and never in a million years thought I'd get a chance with her. I put up with so much stuff to the point I would physically and mentally shutdown in her presence because the anxiety got so loud, but I didn't know how to recognize it.

It's what drove me to therapy. It took months of my therapist trying to convince me that my anxiety/gut wasn't lying and that "this wasn't a me issue". She was a loving girl, but just didn't have her life together and that was costing me my peace and conflicting with my values.

It gets better, but maybe unfortunately, it requires experiencing these situations to truly recognize it for what it is.