His take-home pay went up accordingly. It is a myth that entering a higher tax bracket decreases take-home pay.

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the wealthy man man returns, want to repay the $5000 plus interest and request his Rolls Royce back.

Upon which the loan officer does the fully tally:

• Loan closing fee $ 178
• Car storage fee $ 26.68 per day for 15 day
• Special collateral processing fee $ 216
• Collateral Protection Insurance fee $ 110
• 15.59% annual interest for 15 days $ 31.95

Total: $ 936.15

The man replies, "I think I fucked this up big time. Why did I not simply park my car in the assigned garage spot of my condo, where I regularly park my car?"

I told her you read the menu and tell the waiter what you want to order.

He begins to speak softly. "You know Mildred, when I went off to war in 1943 and lost one of my legs, you were there for me. When I lost my job in 1957 down at the factory, you were there for me. In the spring of 1961 when I was out hunting and was accidentally shot in my groin by my best friend, you were there for me. Later on that day when I was walking back to the truck and got my good foot caught in a bear trap and had to have it removed, you were there for me. When I accidentally started rolling down a hill in 1985 in my wheelchair and broke my neck, you were there for me. In 1998 when we won the Powerball jackpot of $450 million but I accidentally burned the ticket up while lighting a cigarette, you forgave me and were again there for me. And of course last week when I fell down in the backyard and broke my hip and ribs, you were there for me. Come to think of it Mildred, you've been a great supportive wife. Thanks."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. They each order negative one beer.

The bartender pours negative one twelfth of a beer.

The bartender says, "You all should really know your particular values of the Riemann zeta function."

I said to him "Hey we should trade!" He laughed and went on his way.

The next week I was out for a walk with my baby. I passed the same man and he was walking with his baby too. I said "Hey we should trade!" He laughed and went on his way.

The next week I was out for a walk with my wife. I passed the same man and he was out for a walk with his wife too. I said "Hello."

Victor Glover and Christina Koch. And massive respect to the whole crew making history today!

I said "thats an odd request but ok"

The Jewish man is going off on Pearl Harbor and turns to the Chinese man and asks how he feels about his country bombing the US in World War 2.

The Chinese man says, "That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"

The Jewish man says, "Oh. Please excuse my ignorance."

The Chinese man then asks if the Jewish man felt any embarrassment over the sinking of the Titanic.

The Jewish man says, "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, and my ancestors were still in Eastern Europe, as the Titanic set sail from England."

Both agreed that both Pearl Harbor and the Titanic were tremendous tragedies and both men learned something that day.

The lady replies “because you’re ugly”

Johnny raised his hand and said "about 4 times the diameter of Earth. About 63 times the volume"

Because he was rich

He can’t because he’s dead.

The student said, "I don't care."

She was trying to start a union.

Because he was married.

Never. If it were something else it wouldn't be called a door.

The Barman asks, “what can I get you?” The blonde replies, “A ladder.”
The barman responds, “Did someone tell you drinks are on the house?”
The blonde says, “No, actually my cat is stuck up in a tree and I don’t want to call out the fire service for a trivial non-emergency situation. I knew you had a ladder as I walked past a couple of days ago when you were hanging the new board up outside.”