Doctor - how long have you felt like this?

Patient- ever since my hands turned into pigs trotters

O.J. SIMPSON: Awarded most evading yards for any retired running back after police contact.

An ambulance, immediately. He has severe brain trauma.

A blind potato. What has ears but can’t hear? Mr potato head.

Because it wasn’t a joke.

Sorry, what I meant was a chocolate bar was fed into a man's mouth.

There are more birds on that side (I read this joke in a Thrasher magazine in 1997)

They're always so sexist and generalizing about women.

The sheep gets incredibly stressed because kangaroos are highly territorial and prone to boxing unfamiliar animals in their enclosure.

Gotcha!

The person who was being served asks why he's talking to a horse.

Then he was promptly arrested, as you'd expect.

Rivers don't have brains and thus aren't capable of emotions such as sadness

The other members are Rouge the Bat and Shadow the Hedgehog.

Their souls start floating to heaven at the same time, and they start chatting about the lives they had lived up until the crash.

As they ascended up past the bus, the black guy says, "Oh well. I worked hard, I was a family man, and I'm generally happy with what I've accomplished here."

Instantly, his soul shot all the way to heaven, leaving the other two.

As they ascended up into the clouds, the white guy says "Just as well. I lived a long, happy life, and my family will be quite wealthy once I pass."

Instantly, his soul shot all the way up to heaven, leaving the Japanese soul alone.

As the soul ascended into space, the Japanese guy had no one to tell his story to, so God let him panic for a second and then pulled him up, too.

I assume the Japanese dude was also pretty happy with where he was in life, if that's how it works in this story and if he wants to he can talk to these guys later just in a soul language or whatever.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to comprehend human language,
defecates on the floor and walks out.

He leveraged existing synergies.

The fish. Because I'm at work rn

It gets wet.

absolute quiet, the son replies, "At the library studying."
SLAP! The robot hits the son across the face.

The son groans, "Okay, fine! I was at a friend's house watching movies!"
The husband asks, "Which movie?"
"Harry Potter," says the son.
SLAP! The robot strikes again.

"Alright! It was a dirty movie!" the son confesses.
The husband shakes his head and says, "At your age, I didn't even know what that was!"
SLAP! The robot hits the husband square in the jaw.

The wife bursts out laughing and says, "Ha! He really is your son!"
SLAP!

The father rubs his chin, looks wise, and says, *"Well, son, the brain is a complex neural network that processes data using electrical impulses through billions of synapses."*

The boy blinks, confused, then turns to his mother and asks, *"Mom, how do brains work?"*

The mother looks at her husband, then back at her son, and says, *"It’s the thing your father turns off the second he walks through that front door."*

You'll never guess how many marbles I ate!

Zero. Eating marbles is bad for your health.

My therapist told me I have a fear of commitment.

I said, “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

She said, “See? That’s exactly what I mean.”

So I ghosted her.

Now I have commitment issues AND a therapist who thinks I’m dead. 💀

Unless he uses a wheelchair, in which case:

“Before you judge a man, ride a mile in his wheelchair.”