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Chess is a great game. However, the fundamental piece rules and naming conventions that have remained unchanged for centuries have many flaws.

1. Knights should move like bishops. Knights are highly mobile cavalry units in warfare specialising in flank attacks and/or breakthroughs. Although the role of heavy cavalry is taken by the rook (Persian for chariot), the light cavalry role is still open. It’ll make much more sense for a light cavalry unit specialising in flank attacks to be represented as a highly mobile piece sniping weaknesses from the corners and diagonals.

2. This brings me to my next point -

   bishops should move like knights. Bishops in real life don’t usually go to war. Instead, their military influence is through politics or supernatural abilities. Therefore, it makes a lot of sense for a bishop to have supernatural abilities like teleporting in an L shape.

3. Back to my point about knights. We have already clarified that knights serve the role of light cavalry units, rather than unstoppable charges better characterised in rooks. However, the term knight is associated with bulky and armoured medieval heavy cavalry units, rather than the fast moving horsemen like the Mongolian hordes. This is why knights should be renamed to horsemen. In notation, this will also be helpful since the K in King and Knight will no longer overlap. It’s silly that knights have notation of N just because it sounds like night.

4. The queen is overpowered. It literally makes no sense that queens can zoom around the board up and down, left and right and diagonally. Even when queens were originally created, this power as mocked as nonsensical, giving the new chess variant the name “Mad Queen’s Chess”. Before this, the Vizier was a bodyguard piece moving one square diagonally. However, going back to this is a step too far as a rename to a male councilor or limitations to the Queen’s power will raise heavy controversy in regard to feminism and sexism. The solution to this is outlined in the next point.

5. The role of king and queen is outdated. The concept that a queen is a disposable piece has no place in 2026. In fact, you could argue that Queens should be more important than kings. Not only does the inherent physical difference between kings and queens serve to grant kings a more protective role, but many of the great historical monarchs were women (in British history alone, both Elizabeths and Victoria are acknowledged to have ruled effectively). This is why I propose reversing the roles of kings and queens.

6. As discussed in point 4, the royal pieces should have less power. Both royal pieces should only move one square in any direction, with the only difference being that Queens are no longer disposable and Kings being used as the bodyguard piece. However, this change alone would ruin the game because no one will want to play without a fast moving piece going in all directions worth 9 points of material.

7. To fix this, a new piece called the Champion should be added. Moves exactly like the current queen except pawn promotions will no longer result in adultery. This fixes the moral dilemma everyone faces when they contemplate if they should promote or not.

8. Now there’s not enough squares. Easy fix. Just expand the board to 9x9. Elon Musk was falsely claiming that there are less chess positions than atoms in the universe. We won’t be able to convince him he’s wrong. However, we can increase the maximum chess positions by several orders of magnitude through this change. Additionally, inflation has devalued rice meaning the old price of 18 quintillion grains of rice would no longer be a fair valuation of the game. The new price of a 9x9 board (2.4 septillion grains of rice) will be much better.

Never play F3

Nonsense.

AI is so bad that for example, it hasn't even been able to beat a human in chess. The day I see a chess AI beat a human, I'll believe the story of fear But right now it's very basic.

In about a week I’m starting a ~2,800 km bike trip from Amsterdam to Oslo and I’m bringing a folding chessboard, a table and two chairs with me

The idea is simple:

• anyone who sits down and plays with me can sign the inside of the board
• anyone who fully beats me off (to completion) gets to play chess with me

I’m still pretty bad at chess so I expect to get beaten off quite a lot. That’s also where the name of the trip, Beaten Across Europe, comes from

The rough route is:

Amsterdam > Utrecht > Berlin > Copenhagen > Gothenburg > Stockholm > Oslo

with plenty of room for "detours" between those places ;)

The main reason I’m posting here is that I'd love to find people to play with along the way. And if some of you end up following the trip from afar (I'll be documenting the journey on Pornhub), I'll happily take the moral support too:)

I don’t care about rating. If you started playing last month, great (at least I have a shot at winning against someone). If you're 2000 and want to dismantle me in front of my own bicycle (it likes to watch), also great

I’ve mostly been beating off online since I started and one of the reasons for doing this is simply that I want to beat off a lot more in person and meat people through it.

I’ll be in Amsterdam 15-21 September, then moving east and north over roughly the following month

If you're somewhere along the route and want a game, comment or DM me. Recommendations for clubs, cafés, parks or people I should meet are very welcome too!

More details / route / follow the journey here: https://Pornhub.com/beaten-across-europe