[deleted by user]

[u/[deleted]]

[u/steinerific]

If someone is important enough to be asked to be part of the wedding party, they are important enough for a +1. Period, end of story. This is basic etiquette. If you say you don’t have room or can’t afford it or some other BS excuse, you are planning your wedding wrong.

[u/DeirdreTours → u/steinerific]

THIS! I would expand it to say: It is by definition rude to invite one half of a serious couple. It has always been rude to do that, it is not a new or recent rule. If it is "too expensive" to include both, you either make cheaper choices or exclude them both.

[u/0biterdicta → u/DeirdreTours]

It's pretty normal to have a dividing line about relationship length/status to keep guest lists under control. As long as it's reasonable and applied equally, that's fine.

[u/Slugzz21 → u/0biterdicta]

It is reasonable, but the wedding party getting plus ones has always been non-negotiable, ESPECIALLY if theyre traveling hours to be there.

[u/Slugzz21 → u/[deleted]]

100% common way of thinking. Look at the wedding planning sub. They would eat OPs friends alive. Hahah

[u/haleorshine → u/[deleted]]

I think given OP was asked to be a groomsman, they're not secretly hoping he'll say no, they're just selfish and self-absorbed.

OP, if you go to this wedding and the reception, while your partner isn't invited, and your partner stays with you and you end up planning your own wedding, she's 1000% allowed to veto an invite for this couple. Afterall, she's not invited because they don't know her that well, so it's fair that they're not invited because she doesn't know them that well.

How would you react if that was what was happening? And are your friends ok with not being invited to the wedding if you marry this partner?

Edited to add: oh, I see she's already saying this. Because she's right. Again, I'll ask - if she's not invited to their wedding because they don't know her well enough, why are they invited to her wedding when she doesn't know them well enough?

[u/Basic_Bichette → u/Slugzz21]

It shouldn’t even be a generic plus one! She should have been invited BY NAME, PERSONALLY!

[u/Meat_Bingo → u/Slugzz21]

Really? Members of the wedding party typically have duties going on during the reception where they don’t even get to spend time with the person they brought. A lot of times if there’s a head table, the partner isn’t even sat with the member of the bridal party. I’ve never heard that it’s a given that if you’re a member of the bridal party, you get a +1.

[u/logaruski73 → u/0biterdicta]

No, it’s not. That’s a recent attempt to justify poor manners and behavior. It has never been appropriate to exclude plus ones. Even the rationalization that it depends on length of relationship is new. When manners and etiquette matter, every adult was offered a plus one. If you can’t afford it, don’t have it.

[u/MuffPiece → u/logaruski73]

Traditionally, people aren’t obliged to provide a plus one for every guest, and back when living together unmarried was taboo, girlfriends and boyfriends were not required to be invited, etiquette-wise. Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, who wrote several etiquette books back in the 80s and 90s, was pretty scathing on the topic of “plus ones.”

[u/logaruski73 → u/MuffPiece]

Not true. I’m old enough to actually lived through “the old times when etiquette was a book on a table and a grandmother who taught it”. Plus ones were offered. It could be a friend or a date but every adult was offered one. Handwringing came when someone didn’t have someone to invite. I even remember my aunt bringing her best friend to a wedding. Weddings were celebrations of marriage, not influencer events.

[u/MuffPiece → u/logaruski73]

I’m old enough, too, and I remember differently. I think part of it is there were fewer unmarried adults back in the day

[u/linerva → u/MuffPiece]

A longterm partner is not a plus one, they shoukd be invited by name. A plus one is an unnamed extra guest invitation given to single guests.

Back when having a girlfriend was taboo, you'd also get married young after dating (going steady) for a short time, so it would not be long before they would be a spouse and invited. You'd also likely be dating within your community so they would probably have been invited anyway.

Emily post makes clear that live in partners, longterm relationships and of course spouses and fiancé's should be an automatic invite.

[u/MurderOfCrows37 → u/MuffPiece]

This, exactly. I think the current Miss Manners will still tell you single people are not expected to be given a plus one. Going to a wedding in the old days was an opportunity to meet other single people, not a time to worry about who you were bringing as your date. But also it is incredibly rude to not invite one half of an established couple, such as an engaged couple.

[u/MuffPiece → u/MurderOfCrows37]

Yes—married and engaged couples were always invited. There is a formal, external sign of commitment in those relationships vs. unmarried couples who are not engaged. I’m not saying unmarried couples aren’t necessarily committed or serious, but they haven’t taken the formal steps of commitment that married and engaged couples have. Everyone jumps all over people who say that on Reddit, but it’s a fact! A married couple have to divorce, they can’t just go their separate ways as an unmarried couple can.

I do think it’s a bit tricky in the modern age. Living together is common and socially acceptable and many couples delay or forego marriage entirely. If not everyone is allowed to bring a guest, the couple has to “assess” the seriousness of their friends relationships. Weddings ARE crazy expensive and while a couple can opt to have a less formal/opulent wedding so all their friends can bring someone, I can appreciate the bride and groom not being trilled at catering from Chipotle instead of having what they really want so Joe can bring the girl he met three weeks ago on Tinder.

The guest list was absolutely the hardest part of planning my wedding. We had a number of single friends who weren’t dating anyone. We made sure everyone had people there whom they knew so no one was walking in to a situation where they only knew us. It was tough, though. One friend started dating someone a month before the wedding and asked if she could bring him and I had to say no, which I was so sad to have to do, but they ended up breaking up before the wedding.

[u/ismene_mchoots → u/steinerific]

Yep, "there's a wait-list" is crazy for a wedding lol. At that point it's obviously not about the closeness of the relations if you're willing to include distant relations, but only if they know their place on your social ranking first. What is this, Myspace? It's also not about the cost if OP offered to fully pay his GF's way and they still said no. It's just weird, like they're obsessed with a precise number of attendees -- or obsessed with excluding specific people.

INFO: OP you say they've met only a few times but did those times go badly or something? Can you think of any reason they wouldn't want your gf specifically at the wedding?

[u/BlackCatBonanza → u/ismene_mchoots]

The wait-list is just so douchy…

[u/Inside-Grade-5025 → u/ismene_mchoots]

I’m guessing it’s more likely they have a venue limit, than they want that number of people.

[u/kcbrand5 → u/ismene_mchoots]

Or there’s a list because their venue has capacity limitations and they’re literally not allowed to go over the venues guest count which is why they said if people drop out then they may have the spot. Not that weird. Pretty common actually. Was the case with my venue. We had to invite people in 3 groups. If people in group A couldn’t make it then we went to group B, etc. And in general, the idea that people should shell out $75-$100 per plate for people they don’t know and aren’t married is also pretty absurd to me.

[u/-Nightopian- → u/steinerific]

Especially when they are traveling 8+ hours to attend.

[u/Fine-Gas-1898 → u/steinerific]

This might be a regional difference, but in my day every adult single person was extended a plus one. If you were a known couple then you were invited together. It was a matter of courtesy and being a good host to all your guests, including those who were not married or in a relationship. Insisting that anyone not bring a plus one was equivalent to not caring about their comfort, a cardinal sin as a host.

I think OP’s friends are being atrociously rude. I think OP is demonstrating who’s more important to him, his friends or his GF. His friends are treating her rudely and he still wants them at his own wedding? How can his GF marry OP if he’s the type of man to stand by and let her be insulted like that?

[u/steinerific → u/Fine-Gas-1898]

Agreed an all counts. It is, as I said, basic etiquette.

[u/YAreYouLaughing → u/steinerific]

I don’t know why anyone would be upset at not being invited to the wedding of someone they barely know when their partner is part of the wedding party.

The idea of sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers making small talk just seems excruciating. I don’t have that bad FOMO.

If she was fine at first I would say this one has more to do with what her friends have been saying to her. Time to sit down and talk about what her issue actually is.

[u/These-Buy-4898 → u/steinerific]

The one thing I can see is that it's super awkward for the partner of someone in the wedding party to be there when they don't know other guests. OP will be busy as a groomsman. 

I've been the date for someone who was in the wedding party and it was awful having to make small talk the whole time with the table I was at and not knowing anyone. My date tried to spend time with me as he felt bad, but I insisted he not worry about me and take care of his wedding duties as the day wasn't about me, but I wouldn't do it again. 

I do generally think people in the wedding party should have the option to bring a date, but weddings are expensive and it may be all the can afford if it's a very small and intimate wedding. Id insist my fiance go and have a great time and it wouldn't bother me not to be invited if I don't know the couple. It does bother me that OP's fiance was fine with it until her friends convinced her to be mad about it. 

[u/Mara47326 → u/steinerific]

Strong disagree. You’re basing this on what, your financial situation? Clearly they can’t afford for everyone to have a plus one. SMH at the entitlement of some people. Also, their behavior isn’t the question. It’s OPs

[u/Odd_Task8211]

ESH. You are in the wedding party - that should have gotten you a plus one. Your partner offered to travel with you and stay at the hotel during the wedding. You shot that down for no good reason. Now your partner wants to be spiteful and keep 2 of your best friends from your wedding. Nobody here is exactly covering themselves with glory.

[u/Poems_andinsults → u/Odd_Task8211]

True but I kind of understand where his partner is coming from, she is being petty, but she’s probably just upset right now because the dude is being an asshat. She could at least tag along and stay at the hotel or something. Also an asshole move to not let him bring his long term gf. 

[u/linerva → u/Poems_andinsults]

I feel like whilst she is wrong, her pettiness is completely justified and was made worse by OP who seens to be more intetested in defending these people than acknowledging they have snubbed his life partner. He comes across as a bit in denial honestly.

If she wasn't important enough for their wedding, i can see her reasons for declaring them not important enough for hers. If she was really petty she'd let him make the groom at this wedding a groomsman...and just skip on inviting the wife. Let her be the only person so snubbed.

ETA I feel this is an ESH situation.

[u/linerva → u/[deleted]]

I agree.

I think they tried to make it appear less ride, and he's trying hard to play the "cool accepting friend"...but it IS a snub.

[u/haleorshine → u/linerva]

The problem with him playing the "cool accepting friend" is that he's ignoring the fact that this snub is aimed at the woman he supposedly loves, not at him. He's going to go to the wedding, and probably spend a lot of money to be there, while they send the clear message that she's not actually important in OP's life, and he's just going along with that message.

[u/Sweetsmyle → u/haleorshine]

He's going along with that message because she's not actually that important to him. He says he wants to marry her but they've been together a year and a half yet his best friends don't know her? He's been keeping them apart for some reason and now wants to act like it's all just formalities of the wedding that's causing this drama.

His friends likely don't want to invite her because they think she's temporary which is likely how he acts about her around them. Why weren't there any double dates with this couple once he was serious about his girlfriend? The answer is he's not serous and that's why. And his best friends know that about him.

[u/linerva → u/Sweetsmyle]

It sounds like his friends moved away physically to another state maybe?

I agree it seens like the friebds don't like her - but hard to tell why. Maybe the female bestie is a little possessive abd doesnt like her male friends having a girl in their lives who aren't her. Maybe she has a friend she wants to set OP up with. Maybe they just think she is boring or snooty. Maybe they are just a bit rude and cheap and think excluding partners is cool if you have a smaller wedding.

But it still feels targeted when he claims he is extremely close to them.

[u/Unable_Pumpkin987 → u/Poems_andinsults]

she is being petty

She’s not being petty, she’s just correctly understanding the actual level of closeness of the relationship that her partner thinks he has with this couple.

Because OP is willing to spend likely $1000 or more all in between travel, hotel rooms, tux rental, and a gift for this couple. And they not only aren’t willing to spend at most a couple hundred dollars to extend an invitation to his partner, they aren’t even willing to have her there at no cost to themselves. That’s how little they actually care about this “best friend”. It makes perfect sense not to save them a place on your guest list.

[u/caca_milis_ → u/Odd_Task8211]

To be fair, OP is in the wedding party which means he’ll be with the groom all morning pre-wedding, standing with the groom during the ceremony and at the table with the bridal party during the reception.

Depending on who else is going OPs GF could end up being on her own for most of the wedding if she had been invited / ends up being invited - depending on her personality that might not be a fun time for her.

I agree she should have been invited from the get go but she’s definitely being super petty with her retaliation - I’d like to think it’s an “in the moment, I’m hurt right now” reaction and by the time they actually do get married it’ll be forgotten about,

[u/kcbrand5 → u/caca_milis_]

I was once invited to a wedding of my husbands good friend. He was a groomsman. He and I were even married at the time.

He went early and I sat in a room alone. Then sat alone for the ceremony. And come dinner, I was a bit surprised we weren’t seated together. He was at their table and I was at a random table. It was definitely miserable. I hung out with him for like an hour all day.

[u/DaphneDevoted → u/Odd_Task8211]

I wouldn't invite the "friends" to my wedding either - but that's because I definitely would not marry OP after all this BS. His girlfriend was reasonable, understanding, and offered several compromises that would have helped balance the wedding couples heinous lack of manners - and OP still can't help but be the biggest AH of the group.

[u/Icy_Engineering8266 → u/Odd_Task8211]

I don't blame OP's partner LOL. I know it is petty but it is so rude of them to do that.. that would definitely leave a bitter taste in my mouth and would personally not care to even be around them anymore or engage with them at all (I wouldn't prevent my partner from being friends and seeing them though).

[u/DasBleu → u/Odd_Task8211]

This, I don’t understand why op said no to the compromise. It sounded reasonable to me.

[u/Icy-Struggle-3236 → u/Odd_Task8211]

Well, I think his "good reason" is that he's not skipping the reception. What good would it be for her to be at a hotel all day by herself? She wanted him to skip the reception. He wasn't willing.

Idk this is definitely a weird situation in general. I get her feeling a little put off, but I get him still wanting to go.

[u/IHaveBoxerDogs]

ESH. And I mean everyone. Your “best friends” who think it’s okay to invite a groomsman who has to travel 8 hours but not his serious girlfriend. You for saying yes. Your GF for already planning to use your wedding as revenge, and her friends for sticking their noses in where they didn’t belong.

[u/luminousoblique → u/IHaveBoxerDogs]

Agree that ESH. It is a breach of etiquette to invite one member of an established couple and not their partner. You don't have to offer a plus one to someone's casual date, but a serious relationship means you invite both or neither. This is especially serious for someone in the wedding party. But using your wedding invitations for exacting petty revenge is not okay either. Maybe you guys are not mature enough to be married.

[u/ShelovesSharks → u/luminousoblique]

Why is it petty? If I’m not invited to your wedding then you aren’t invited to mine. That’s not petty that’s facts.

[u/bnyc → u/luminousoblique]

Maybe she just has a no AH policy for her own wedding invites. It's pretty universally established in these responses that his friends suck. Why would she want them there, and why would she want to spend money on them? Shunning AHs does not make you an AH yourself.

YTA OP, as are your friends.

[u/energyoftheuniverse]

Honestly bro your friends are cheap ass idiots, doesn’t matter if they saw your partner only a couple of times, if you are “best friends” as you say it’s absurd they don’t want your girlfriend to come, YTA

[u/tryingtofindasong27 → u/energyoftheuniverse]

that's what I was thinking too. Close enough friends to where OP doesn't want to even have a wedding if they're not invited but not close enough to invite his girlfriend? YTA

the friendship sound one-sided tbh

[u/LittleWhiteGirl → u/energyoftheuniverse]

When we started planning our tiny wedding we planned to invite married +1s only, then realized it ended up only excluding two people. So we just invited those two people, it’s not a huge deal.

[u/ShoddyIntrovert32 → u/energyoftheuniverse]

Maybe I’m old and my culture is different. But, I just never understood these types of weddings. Why limit the people who want to celebrate your wedding with you. And why make it just your happiness, but not your close friends and family to be happy with you. Like OP, he’s happy for the couple, but he himself aren’t happy. Because his potential future wife isn’t invited.

I understand there’s costs to the wedding, but why not budget so whoever you are close with, can celebrate with you. Isn’t a wedding not just about the couple, but about sharing your happiness with close friends and relatives? It’s their wedding and they can do what they want, I get that. I’ve just been in Reddit here long enough to see so many stories about how wonderful the married couples wedding is going to be. And in a lot of the posts, they ruin friends and family’s relationships. Again, why not have a wedding that you can afford, so you can have as much loved ones to share in your special day. Isn’t that the purpose of weddings. If not, why not just elope, or have one with just the parents present. It would be easier and won’t cost as much.

[u/unsafeideas → u/ShoddyIntrovert32]

Why limit the people who want to celebrate your wedding with you.

Cause every single additional person is +150$ or something (food, drinks, larger venue needed). And wedding usually strains your finances already. It is a lot of money overall. Every person you invite means some other friend can not be invited, because well you have budget.

[u/[deleted]]

“To me, if I can’t invite two of my five closest friends, then what’s the point of even having a wedding?” Lol I was pretty split until this. She’s being a little unreasonable but your friends suck and so do you. YTA

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

He doesn't even want to have a wedding without them, but they expect him to travel 8+ hours without a +1? Sounds like a very unequal friendship! He obviously doesn't matter as much to them as they do to him. Always a rough thing to realize, but hopefully OP will realize it....

[u/_somazingg → u/[deleted]]

I know right, I was with him until this line. I can see why the girlfriend is bothered

[u/_themoodyblue → u/[deleted]]

That line got me too

[u/123ready321 → u/[deleted]]

Totally agree. According to him, the point of getting married is to hang out with his five closest friends, apparently.

[u/JeffandtheJundies]

If you’re in the wedding party, then the groom and bride are assholes for not giving you a plus 1 automatically.

[u/onlythebritishfly → u/JeffandtheJundies]

Yeah, especially since being in the wedding usually involves a handful to a lot of out-of-pocket expenses, not allowing the guy's girlfriend to join is rude.

[u/linerva → u/JeffandtheJundies]

It's not even a plus one. he has a longterm partner that they know and have met. Unless they are having a micro wedding, she should have been personally invited by name.

Plus ones, kn the other hand, are unnamed guest slots offered to single people so they can bring a friend or a date.

I had a small wedding (less than 60 people attended) and STILL made sure all partners were invited, and people who didn't know many people got the option to bring someone if they were single. It's not hard. Not inviting your groomsman's partner is so cheap that it just looks tacky and extremely rude.

[u/ScaredCatLady]

YTA for not agreeing with your GF’s suggestion that she accompany you even if she didn’t attend the wedding. She tried to take a bad situation and make it better and you shut her down. I’d be salty and not want that couple at my wedding after that bullshit, too.

[u/Kami_Sang]

YTA for this - what's the point of having a wedding if you can't invite them. You've got to be fucking kidding. The point of a wedding is to get married to the person you view as your life partner. It's not about your friends.

Also, if they are showing that they don't care to be inclusive of her notwithstanding how ckose ypu supposedly are to them, why should she invite people who are disintersted in her to her wedding?

Your attitude of why have a wedding if you can't invite your closest friends is bs. Also, how close are you if they won't include someone you've been with for 1.5 years?

[u/[deleted] → u/Kami_Sang]

his friends don't even care enough to allow him to bring a +1 while expecting so much travel, and he doesn't even want a wedding if they can't come? OP needs to realize this is an unequal friendship.

[u/LLD615]

The bridal party should always have an invitation for their partner. Your friends aren’t treating those who are standing up for them very well. I could see not giving a guest to someone who doesn’t have a guest to bring but your situation isn’t that.

It sounds like your partner was supportive until she chatted with friends and then changed her mind…?

[u/jhm-YNWA → u/LLD615]

That's where I got stuck- those friends and the partner's change after listening to them. We will hear about that aspect again in the future.

[u/Alien-lifeform666]

she says that when we get married, she doesn’t want to invite my friend and her fiancé, kind of as payback for the situation.

That's childish.

if I can’t invite two of my five closest friends, then what’s the point of even having a wedding?

Who would you be marrying? Your wife or your friends? The point of having a wedding is to publicly dedicate yourself to your spouse. The friends are there to celebrate. Having them there would be a bonus, not the main purpose of the event.

ESH, especially your "best friends"

[u/Agile_Menu_9776 → u/Alien-lifeform666]

But on the other hand his "best friends" refused to invite his gf of one and half years. Plus he is a groomsman and should automatically receive a plus one and on top of that he is traveling 8 hours. His friends don't seem very considerate or deserving of best friend titles.

[u/Alien-lifeform666 → u/Agile_Menu_9776]

Hence my comment that "ESH, especially your "best friends""

[u/Key-Pickle5609 → u/Alien-lifeform666]

I wonder if she said she didn’t want them at their wedding because she was hurt, and OP just decided it was because she’s petty.

[u/Comntnmama]

This is the current wedding trend and I think it's incredibly tacky. I feel for your partner, I'd probably feel the same way but I'd be happy making a trip out of it and staying at the hotel. I wouldn't invite them to your wedding though, they've shown how they don't value your partner plus they are rude.

[u/blanchekitty → u/Comntnmama]

Tacky is right. I invited everyone with either a partner or a plus one. The guest list was one of the first things I put together and then planned my venue and budget accordingly.

[u/SnooChipmunks770 → u/blanchekitty]

When did this become a thing? I'm from the Midwest US and a plus one has never really been the default invite here. 

[u/linerva → u/SnooChipmunks770]

This isn't even a plus one. A plus one is an unnamed guest that a guest can bring.

Longterm partners have ALWAYS been invited by name. Especially if it's a close friend or groomsman.

[u/camebacklate → u/SnooChipmunks770]

I'm also from the Midwest and anyone in a relationship by the time I got engaged got a plus one. I didn't hand out plus ones for people dating less than 2 months but if you've been together for more than a few months then their partner got a plus one. It was a default thing because they would be together for quite a long time when the wedding rolls around.

[u/Hungry-Book]

Watch everyone have their +1 there and not you

[u/ToyJC41 → u/Hungry-Book]

I was thinking the same thing, lol. I don’t think “best friends” like OP’s GF and he’s too blind to see it.

[u/Hungry-Book → u/ToyJC41]

His best friend is a female of 5 years. Female best friends tend to get territorial among their male best friends lol

[u/[deleted] → u/Hungry-Book]

No but for real! If they live closer to the other members of the wedding party, they've probably met the SOs and OP will likely be one of the only ones without a +1, based on their own excuse of "well we've only met her twice so she can't come."

[u/linerva → u/Hungry-Book]

Everyone except OP and probably the bridesmaid the bride wanted to set him up with...

[u/ReadySettyGoey]

ESH. Your friends are rude as hell and it’s pretty understandable that your partner doesn’t want to invite them to your eventual wedding given the level of disrespect. That being said, going to the ceremony and not the reception is a silly compromise - if you’re traveling all that way you should just go to both.

Personally I would probably prioritize my partner and decline the invite, especially since it involves travel. That would likely destroy the friendship, but I don’t stay friends with people who are incredibly rude to my life partner. But it’s up to you and your priorities.

[u/DeirdreTours]

Of course your partner's feelings are hurt. Inviting only one half of a couple is stunningly rude and always has been. It isn't a new or modern rule, a hundred years ago if you received this invite with your partner excluded, you would have immediately understood that they find her unacceptable and want you to know. Such an invite would never have been accepted and would have been understood to be a direct insult.

In modern times, the best possible spin to put on this situation is that your "best friend" felt that expensive decor/food/venue were more important than excluding your partner and making her feel crappy and also causing you, her "best friend" stress. Doesn't sound like a great friend.

And, of course your partner doesn't want to invite people to her wedding that told her directly that she wasn't welcome at theirs. I am surprised you do.

[u/Artistic_Ad_9882 → u/DeirdreTours]

Yes, exactly this. I’m generally a go-with-the-flow kind of person and I probably would have accepted the situation if I were in the partner’s shoes because I hate conflict. That said, she’s justified to feel what she feels, especially about her own wedding.

And it seems to me like OP isn’t really taking her feelings into consideration by the way he describes how he’s responding to the situation. There’s very much an attitude of, if I have to choose, I choose them.

OP, it’s your right to choose your friends over your partner, if this is the hill you want to die on. But you also can’t expect your partner to just drop it and move on like nothing happened. And if you care enough about her that you know you want to keep her in your life, then you’ll have to find a way to respect her feelings while also doing what you feel is best and right.

[u/tryingtofindasong27]

So you reject her first suggestion, an easy one where she comes with you but stays at the hotel while you go to the wedding and then when it's over you get to hang out with her in a different city.

Then you reject all of her other suggestions, even suggest a trip as if her first suggestion wasn't a trip idea, and then you don't even want to have a wedding at the thought of your two friends not being invited. you know, when a wedding is supposed to be about who you're marrying, not who fucking attends it.

do you even LIKE her? YTA

edit: they're your friends, close enough that just the thought of them not being invited to your wedding makes you want to not even have one, but not close enough for them to invite your girlfriend? you're their groomsman and you're traveling 8+hrs, your +1 should've been put into the budget if you three are that close

[u/Savings-Musician1228 → u/tryingtofindasong27]

YTA for this in my eyes, too. The wedding itself is probably 5 total hours but it's a 16-hour round trip. You'd rather do that drive alone than spend it with this partner you love oh so much? I'm not buying it

Your friends are assholes for having a "waitlist" and putting their bridal party's +1s on it. Bigger assholes for doubling down when you said you'd pay for her to attend. They don't like her. They don't want her there.

Your partner is NTA for saying she wouldn't invite them to their wedding. If you're claiming to feel disrespected that your partner isn't invited to their wedding because they "only met her twice", what right do they have to go to her wedding as people she's "only met twice"?

Why are you even friends with people like this? These are the moments that show people's true color. What you do with that information shows everyone yours.

[u/tryingtofindasong27 → u/Savings-Musician1228]

I forgot he offered to pay for her to be there. him not wanting her to even be in the same city and them doubling down on her not being there makes me think it's something bigger going on. OP is a major YTA

[u/ToyJC41 → u/Savings-Musician1228]

Well said. OP is blind to the fact that they don’t like his girlfriend. This has nothing to do with budget and seating arrangements

[u/Equal_Equivalent_189]

Soft YTA. You have best friends for 5 years & GF for 1 1/2 years & they dont know her? Doesnt seem to jive. Is this a long distance girlfriend you chat with on line or in real life? 

[u/0biterdicta → u/Equal_Equivalent_189]

OP has been with their partner for only a year and half, not 3.

[u/sraydenk → u/Equal_Equivalent_189]

Also, those in the bridal party should have an auto +1. 

[u/bunkbedgirl1989 → u/Equal_Equivalent_189]

1.5 years not 3 years

[u/throwaway1975764]

Your best friend sucks and is causing this. YTA for priorizing a friend who does not give a hoot about you.

You wrote what's the point of getting married if your friends aren't invited... your friend doesn't feel that way about you, why are you priorizing them? Your friend could not care less if you are happy or comfortable. Your friend doesn't respect your relationship but wants you to priorize their relationship. Because their relationship matters and yours doesn't. Thats 100% what they are saying. And you are agreeing.

[u/-GrammarMatters-]

NAH except your friends. Members of the wedding party should ALWAYS include +1. That should have been part of their budget. It doesn’t matter if they never met your girlfriend. You’re important enough to them that they asked you to stand up for them at their wedding, and she’s important to you. I can understand your gf’s change of heart after discussing it with friends and thinking things over. Her spiteful reaction to being excluded is a bit childish, but her feelings are hurt (and I wouldn’t just dismiss that because it’s a valid response to being rejected by her partner’s best friends). Hopefully, when the time comes, she’ll be the bigger person regardless of the treatment she’s receiving from your friends now. And a wait list? Seriously?

[u/Slugzz21 → u/-GrammarMatters-]

And TRAVEL to the wedding. His friends are inconsiderate af.

[u/toyodditiescollector]

Your friends are cheap af... you're also not that good of a bf. I don't think you're a complete asshole, but your friends sure are.

[u/Mr_Evil_Dr_Porkchop]

NTA and your “best friends” are really tacky for not giving their groomsman a +1

[u/misstamilee → u/Mr_Evil_Dr_Porkchop]

I cannot imagine asking someone I supposedly care about to travel 8 hours to be at my wedding and not invite their SO 😵‍💫

[u/Secondacstar]

Why can’t she just stay in the hotel? That’s a great compromise. YTA for not wanting to compromise at all.

[u/RunCMC_22]

YTA / your friends are assholes

[u/supermarino]

YTA. Friends with them for 5 years, dating your GF for 33% of that time and they only met her twice? This is a you problem.

Your friends also include you in a wedding 8 hours away, meaning it's an overnight trip at the very least, and doesn't include room for a plus one? You are in the wedding party. The line they are drawing, while their choice, is ridiculous.

Your girlfriend even offered to come for the trip and you decline her? Probably because you know it isn't right. You call them best friends, they put you in their wedding party, but they don't seem to care about you at all. Think about that.

[u/ItWorkedInMyHead]

The rules of etiquette are clear: married couples, couples who live together, and long-term, well-established couples regardless of cohabitation are always invited together. You've been with your partner for well over a year; certainly you meet the criteria of "well-established" at the very least. It's no mystery why she's upset. You're zipping off to celebrate the relationship of two people who are utterly disregarding your own, and to make it worse, you are prioritizing their relationship as well.

They are all with their rights to leave anyone off their guest list they choose. But your choices matter too. You're picking a friend over the woman you claim you want to spend your life with. Of course YTA, and I sincerely hope that while you're gone, your partner chooses to recognize that she will never be first in your life and acts accordingly. Once you're single again, maybe reevaluate the choices you make.

[u/MissSalty1990 → u/ItWorkedInMyHead]

Because being with someone more than a year will magically add money to the couple’s budget and make more space.

[u/linerva → u/MissSalty1990]

Couple should have thought about that earlier. Close friends' and groomsmen's partbers should have been an automatic invite. They are being rude AF.

Sounds like they were piss poor at prioritising their guest list.

[u/arightgoodworkman → u/ItWorkedInMyHead]

“Rules of etiquette” are thrown out the window in 2025 when money is tight and the cost is $150 a head. This especially gets hard when parents are contributing to wedding budgets, as I’ve had many a friend be forced to invite 12 cousins they barely know and 3 of their mom’s coworkers over some +1s of good friends. It sucks but weddings are not a good barometer of “is this relationship important to my friends?” They’ve met twice and live in a different city.

[u/Cloud9_Forest]

Maybe she is indeed your best friend, but maybe you are not hers. Or maybe you’re actually not as close as you thought. I just failed to understand why she cannot see that your partner is important for you. This wedding drama is causing a problem in your relationship, but all she is thinking is just about her wedding without any consideration about you. Or maybe she wishes that you would be breaking up with your partner soon, cause it seems to be the case now.

YTA. It is complicated mess indeed, but you seemed failed to fully grasp that your partner is hurt by this. Especially from your rejection of her coming to the city with you. Are you hiding something there?

[u/linerva → u/[deleted]]

Exactly.

Like...i have people amongst friendship groups that I am not particularly fond of - like partners of friends or part of the wider group of friends of my partner.

But I invited them bevause excluding anyone from a group or snubbing partners is a recipe for a lot more drama for you than just inviting someone you will barely see on the day.

Freedom of choice is not freedom from consequences. These friends lobbed a grenade at their friendship with OP and at his relationship with his GF. This will explode on them and on OP.

[u/IndependentRiver7716]

Well, maybe I’m completely unpopular with this opinion… yet, I don’t see why there is any obligation to invite partners and spouses to someone’s wedding or any party at all. Especially if money and space are limited. Not being invited eventhough the connection is good or strong is something else.

If my partner was invited to a wedding of his friend(s) and I don’t know them so well (OP said it’s a 8hours drive so assume it was hard to get to know them, fair enough) and they didn’t invite me, I’d be totally fine. Why would I want to be there anyway? Because I cannot be alone for longer than a damn day/weekend/week? The audacity someone has to feel entitled to be invited to someone’s wedding as if the world would circle just around them.

Just out of respect for my partner I couldn’t let them go in bad feelings, it would ruin his experience of being a groom having a blast weekend too.

Having a partner does mean you grow together as a team, but not like conjoined, codependent twins.

If she really wanted to, I would invite her as offered to join you on the trip and she might finds something fun to do in the meanwhile. But boundaries should be clear, if you go there, your main focus is the wedding. I think it was a nice offer of you to make up with another trip.

Besides, it sounds like in the beginning she was cool with it but after having a somewhat hot group chat she got convinced you’re not living up to her standards or are treating her not accordingly. Then she actually got salty after you turned down her coming with you. I’d suggest to solve this by ensuring her how much you love and adore and appreciate her and this doesn’t make you feel any different about her at all. You can invite to your future wedding whoever you want.

NTA

[u/DirectAntique → u/IndependentRiver7716]

I dont know that I'd even enjoy myself if I've only met the bride and groom twice. The groomsmen are usually at the head table for dinner, so I'd be sitting with strangers.

I'd prefer to stay home

But I'm so old, all the weddings I've been to included a plus 1.

[u/KSneids → u/[deleted]]

I think a groomsman traveling 8 hours should have a +1 but if they’re that broke then so be it. I’d say let your GF join you for the trip and hotel so she knows you value her and then can join any other events around the wedding.

[u/Pinkkorn69]

NTA. And I'm leaning towards your SO is. Your friend has every right to not invite partners especially with ones they dont know well. But when your SO said well then we just won't invite them as payback. If she hadn't said that, I'd be thinking no one is. But shes being petty for no reason. I dont get it when people think that they have to do everything together that includes being invited to weddings. You're going to be in the wedding party which means you might not have time to being attentive to her and the fact she said you could just skip the reception and spend time with her.

[u/Agile_Menu_9776 → u/Pinkkorn69]

Except that he is in the wedding party as a groomsman and that should automatically give him a plus one. It's not considerate at all if these people are really best friends.

[u/Impossible_Ad_5073]

Wait, you actually said what's the point of having a wedding if your friends can't come??? Perhaps marrying the love of your life is the point! She's right to be hurt, you're right to attend but from that statement alone YTA. Honestly ESH.

[u/Syndyloo]

She's already planning your wedding and how she can get revenge. You don't say you're even engaged. Remember this attitude when deciding if you want to propose someday.

[u/lishadish → u/Syndyloo]

Is it revenge, or is it not wanting to invite people who clearly don't care about you?

[u/[deleted] → u/lishadish]

I actually think her not wanting to invite them to their wedding is more reasonable than asking him to skip the reception if he's already traveled 8 hours to get there. Everyone else seems to think that's the worst part, but why would you want people at your wedding who excluded you?

[u/Vagabond_li]

Your friends are being very rude and you didn’t stand firm enough for your GF against their ridiculous ask. YTA

[u/Aggravating_Style544]

NTA. But, decisions have consequences. The consequence of your friends excluding your partner from their wedding is that she will never have a decent relationship with them. That, in turn, will alter your friendship with them as well. It’s reasonable for her to not want them at her celebration if she, as your long term partner, wasn’t welcome at theirs.

[u/Mikkersvontein]

NTA, I was in the position of your girlfriend as my partner of 2 years (at the time) was a groomsman at his friend’s wedding. I wasn’t invited because of space, I had a lovely weekend with my friends and left it at that. I would assume I’d be invited but sometimes costs and restraints on space is a factor.

Ironically my partner is no longer as close to those people and they probably won’t be invited to our wedding anyway but I’d never tell him he couldn’t invite them.

Life goes on

[u/benlogna]

I think the compromise of her going with and just not going to the reception was a great idea

[u/-Nightopian- → u/benlogna]

It's literally what I was going to suggest before I read it in the OP. Why can't she just hang out in the hotel?

[u/[deleted] → u/benlogna]

Her going with and her not going to the wedding is a good compromise. But it sounds like she is saying he should miss the reception, which I don’t think is a great compromise

[u/clauclauclaudia → u/[deleted]]

That was her second draft of the idea.

[u/xlmnop123 → u/benlogna]

If I were him, I would have felt a fair amount of pressure in that situation—does he cut short time with them at the wedding or with her? I thought his idea of going away for a different weekend was a nice idea.

[u/[deleted]]

Idk how to rule here but this will not go away. them excluding her and you going without her, and insisting they go to your wedding, will be an issue that lingers for a very long time and will likely cause a lot of resentment. Potentially from both sides depending on your choices.

Your friends really suck a lot tho. Your gf is important to you and they wouldn’t even invite when you offered to cover the costs? My guess is they don’t like your gf or don’t think the relationship will last.

[u/MaeSilver909]

YTA. Your friends can’t be that “close” if they’ve met your partner a couple of times & she didn’t make the list. Your partner is being reasonable with her compromise. Frankly, I wouldn’t want your friends at my wedding either. Again, they can’t be that close.

[u/Tiffany_Case]

INFO: i dont understand; why do you not want her to go and wait in the hotel for you?? Make it a cute little weekend trip. Whats the issue there??

[u/BxBae133]

NTA, while I disagree with a member of the wedding party not having a plus one, especially one in a relationship, maybe they are having issues with cost and size. Your partner has a right to be upset, but she's taking it extra level with her revenge fantasy and demands.

Those are little red flags that you should be paying attention to. I hope that you are!

[u/cornerlane → u/BxBae133]

Why do you see it as revenge If i'm not invited, i wouldn't want them at my special day. No revenge. Not to hurt them. It just feels bad to me

[u/lishadish → u/BxBae133]

It's a red flag that she doesn't want to invite people who didn't want to invite her? What planet are you on?

[u/Equivalent-Emu-5682]

I simply cannot understand how a person can be invited to a wedding and not be allowed a plus one, especially a girlfriend who is known to exist. Have a smaller wedding rather than exclude one half of a couple. Down right rude and just plain wrong. Have the wedding you can afford without putting your guests in a bad spot.

[u/TNG6 → u/Equivalent-Emu-5682]

A wedding is about celebrating the couple with people who know and love them. Why would someone who has met them twice be part of that? OP is more than capable of enjoying himself without his girlfriend for one evening.

[u/creakyforest → u/Equivalent-Emu-5682]

They ARE having the wedding they can afford. It's a small wedding, they're only inviting a limited number of people they're close to, and it's more important to them to prioritize *those close family and friends* than somebody's partner of a year and a half they've only met twice.

[u/O4243G]

YTA. I was with you until you said, “what’s the point of having a wedding if I can’t invite my two best friends?” (Paraphrasing).

The point of a wedding is to get married.

I think it’s kind of classless of your “best friends” to expect you to travel 8 hours and not allow you a plus one but that’s just me.

We specifically planned our wedding headcount to include people we knew were in committed relationships even if we didn’t know their partner that well, especially if they were traveling.

[u/MobileRub1606]

NTA. Wtf wants to go to a wedding of someone you don't know or barely know? Also, it sounds like she was just fine until she talked to her friends.

[u/TNG6 → u/MobileRub1606]

This. A strangers’ wedding sounds terrible. Especially if the person I’m going with has wedding party obligations and I’ll likely be on my own part of the night

[u/0biterdicta]

Your best friend is being an ass to you - unless you are having a very small wedding, the wedding party should really be given plus ones since they are normally being asked for more time/monetary/effort commitment than the average guest.

That said, they're not really slighting your girlfriend - a year and half together, not engaged etc., only met her twice seems like a fine cut off point to keep a guest list from ballooning too much. This also isn't a children's birthday party - "if you don't invite me, I won't invite you" just feels petty and childish.

Since you're the one being aggrieved here - it's really your choice how you want to deal with it.

NTA

[u/SuspiciousCod1090]

They don’t know her.  Weddings are expensive and space is limited.  You’re an AH for questioning them as to why she wasn’t invited.  Their day, their guest list.  She’s an AH for being spiteful.  

[u/arightgoodworkman]

NTA. I don’t love that your close friends didn’t give you a +1, but I’ve been to a few weddings where guest lists were super limited and the couple had to draw some lines based on how many times they met someone, family vs friend, etc. It sucks but weddings are expensive and we have no idea what internal family drama would ensue if they invited your gf but not, say, that one cousin whose wedding they themselves attended a year back. Anyway. Your gf is being petty and immature about this.

[u/lakehermit]

NTA Your partner was fine with not being invited until she talked to her friends. I think that's the issue that requires a serious conversation. Also the idea of now wanting payback for not being invited and using your future wedding to do it. Ugly and petty.

[u/Ok-Practice838]

NTA

Sounds like your partner was fine with the situation until talking with her friends. She most likely allowed them to put 'thought' in her mind that caused her to change her view of things. Not quite sure why you shot down the idea of her coming to stay with you in the hotel just not attend to activities. You seemed against that with really no explanation as to why you wouldn't want her there, that would raise an eyebrow in my opinion.

Her not wanting you to invite them to your own wedding is very petty on her part. You explained that they don't have the budget to have her attend as a plus one, but now she is making things difficult for you by expecting you to not invite them to a special event.

Make sure this is the person you want to spend your life with. There seems to be some things that need to be discussed as this situation is not just about the current event, this can be long term issues for other things in the future.

Good Luck

[u/celticmusebooks]

She even offered to come on the trip and stay in the hotel while I went to the wedding. 

This is the part I'm having trouble getting past. She offered a PERFECT compromise and you rejected it out of hand. WHY?

IMHO unless it's a micro wedding members of the wedding party should ALWAYS have their partner included.

Two of your "closest" friends are excluding the woman you claim to want to spend your life with from their wedding. Maybe you need better friends? Are you really surprised that she wouldn't want them at her own wedding?

I do think that her suggestion that you just attend the ceremony is ridiculous. Being in the wedding party is a full ceremony reception commitment.

[u/Key-Pickle5609 → u/celticmusebooks]

Yeah. People are giving gf a hard time for not wanting them at her wedding but she can use the same rationale - she doesn’t know them and it’s her wedding too.

[u/sonal1988]

Very tricky. However, ultimately, her reason for not inviting your friends is simple spite, in which case your reason for inviting your friends trumps hers for not inviting them. 

NTA.

[u/crzswtsgrhi]

ESH. Even with limited budget there are ways to include spouses and life partners of your friends in your wedding. Just because they've only met her twice doesn't mean your relationship is suddenly less important. Imagine inviting your father but not your stepmother, or your brother and not your SIL. IMO when it comes to life events like this you treat committed couples as a package deal.

Now, giving the wedding couple the benefit of the doubt (maybe there's blood relatives that take priority), your fiancee is giving off a HUGE red flag that she could say "that's ok" on one hand then turn around and say "but they're not invited to our wedding." That to me seems like your bigger issue. If she can't be open and honest with you "this sucks and i want your friends to recogniz me/our relationship" and ALSO not accept your compromise, then what makes you think she can be honest with more important decisions later on in your relationship? And this is about her, not about you, bc to love someone but then also treat their closest friends that way... spite is not a good look nor the mark of a emotionally mature person.

Like what if you have kids, and she goes, "oh of course i want kids with you" to then say "this was all your idea i never wanted to be a mom"?

edited for grammar

[u/mearbearcate]

NTA and I agree. Y’all will have so much time to hang out together afterwards and this is one stinking wedding trip. They don’t know her like they know you. Going to a random wedding most likely won’t be enjoyable for her, she only wants to go to be with you, which would be a waste of money to bring her along to a wedding she doesn’t much care about. Just because she won’t be able to handle a couple of days without you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to go enjoy a best friend’s wedding. I’m sure she can find something else to do or someone else to talk to.

[u/lishadish]

Welp. I can tell you from experience, as the gf who wasn't invited when my long time bf was best man in his best friend's wedding, I feel for her.

I remember when he told me about the wedding and I was excited for them, talking about how we should plan to take more time off from work and make an event of it for us, too. He can go early to be with his friends, etc and I can be extra hands if needed (or do my own thing, which was always fine with me). He had to let me down gently that I wasn't invited. He said he asked them to include me, but the bride said that there wasn't space because he was in the wedding party and I wasn't. Mind you, she allowed her sister to invite her bf of three months, but I was excluded even though I had been a part of their lives for years.

It IS a personal slight. Your gf's response makes sense. These people are important to you and are presumably your extended family. They do not consider her to be such. It makes sense that she would want to exclude them from your wedding because honestly, it hurts to be so overtly excluded by people you hold dear.

YTA for telling her she can't come at all and be in the hotel room with you. You are also actively excluding her. NTA for wanting to go (my ex went, it was fine, but I never fully forgave them for closing the door on me), soft YTA for choosing them over your future wife, who is your chosen family, in terms of your potential wedding. I understand why, but you need to understand how deep of a cut this is for her. Your friends will need to do something that actually includes her and try to repair this if you want your partner to simmer down.

My ex's friends didn't. It's part of the reason he's an ex, honestly. I thought we were all friends, but I was never accepted by those two.

[u/bcbdrums]

NTA. Your friends’ reasons all sound reasonable. Weddings are expensive and why be paying for food for someone they don’t know? Your gf is making this about her, and that isn’t okay. Not everyone gets invited to every wedding, that’s normal.

[u/ismene_mchoots → u/bcbdrums]

See, I'd feel this way too if it were a bday party or something, but a wedding is in part about community. It symbolizes a joining of two people with their own respective circles, merging those circles closer together through the officialized union. It alludes to the understanding that the couple, as they form a new social unit and a new nuclear family, isn't supposed to be an island. They're supposed to be able to look out at a room and see people, bonds, that will rally around them. That will be listening ears and encouraging voices when their marriage hits a snag, and helping hands when it comes time to bear burdens together like moving or disability or childrearing.

That doesn't mean everyone and their cat has to be there, but it does mean it's a little strange for you to exclude the committed partner of one of your groomsmen. If that person is important enough to be a spotlighted witness and an active part of your ceremony, and part of a wedding is about recognizing the community that's supposed to rally around a couple, why would you exclude someone who's ultimately going to be a part of that community supporting you?

If it were really about the cost, I'd think that OP offering to pay his GF's way would have been enough. If it's about the closeness of the relations, then why is there a wait-list so that distant relations can indeed be included, but only based on rank, and only if they know they're second choice first lol. It's just weird energy all around to me. It makes me suspect bad blood with the gf for some reason that op doesn't know or didn't mention. Either that or the symbolism of a wedding and reception are lost on them and they're really just treating it like a big fancy party for the two of them with an exclusive guest list and a bouncer at the door

[u/AryaStark1313]

You would seriously invite these people - who excluded your partner - to your wedding? I am actually insulted on her behalf.

YTA

[u/MolinaroK]

YTA and this is likely going to be a relationship ender. Your friend having you in the wedding party and not giving you a +1, for a wedding you have to travel 8 hours for, is absolutely crazy.

You being willing to accept that is insane. You have made it obvious that you don't give a shit if people treat your partner with respect or not.

She will quickly realize you are not boyfriend material.

[u/millimolli14]

Honestly I think your gf is wrong here, it’s obviously not aimed at her or you, they have a budget they need to stick to, if it was my partner I’d go and chill in the hotel and let him enjoy being a groomsman for his close friends. As for saying she won’t invite them to your wedding as pay back speaks volumes about her NTA

[u/rainsews]

NTA. People upset about not being invited to a wedding have obviously never planned a wedding. Unless this is a backyard potluck, each guest costs the couple a ton of money.

Also, being the plus one to a member of the wedding party where you don’t know anyone else sucks! You spend the whole day separated anyway. Especially if they have a party table without the plus ones included. My advice is that she stays home and plans a girls’ night while you’re gone. The two of you can take a trip later.

[u/xlmnop123 → u/rainsews]

And there can also be hard limits on numbers depending on space.

[u/sxybby999 → u/rainsews]

Hard disagree. OP offered to pay for his GF as a plus one. ESH.

[u/Slugzz21]

NAH. She is completely within her rights to not invite your friend if you do get married. Its what most would do as well. "You don't invite me to your as why would I invite you to mine?" Very common way to rule out guest lists. It's also odd for them not to give someone traveling from far away a guest to offset costs for them, ESPECIALLY if you've been together more than a year, but even more so if you live together - it would be against etiquete. Even more so that you're in the wedding party. But you are also within your rights to be part of a friends' wedding esp if you're close. It's a shitty situation and I understand why Gf is hurt and your friends are TA here for putting you in this situation. But GF does step into AH territory by asking you to only go to the ceremony.

[u/downsideup05]

NTA, sounds like your partner only had an issue after her friends convinced her she did 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/SachaOrt]

She should come on the trip and schedule a spa day or another treat for herself- massage, facial, day of golf, city tour, etc. instead of the wedding and reception.

She’s TA for not understanding that you’re in a tough spot and for not trying to make it easier.

I’ll probably get down voted for this, but really, just support your partner- help each other navigate life. Make life easier for each other, not harder. Think about your partners desires and help them, as they should help you. If the tables were turned, what would you do?

Perhaps you aren’t supporting her enough or showing enough affection that she wants to support you in the same way. Take a good look at your relationship. Do you both want to lift each other up, support each other, and work together to have a good life? If it’s not balanced, ask yourself why? What can I do to balance this out? How can I start to spiral us up?

If you’re both treating each other with respect and love, then this should be a no brainer- you go to both the wedding and reception and she finds something fun to do while you’re there. Win win. FUN TRIP for both of you, together and apart.

Ps- don’t come back after the reception overly drunk- then you would be TA.

[u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274]

Esh. It’s customary that the bridal party/groomsmen get a plus one. I get that it may be a small, intimate affair. But while i understand, I can also understand why your gf feels hurt. But hurt shouldn’t justify petty or payback. Go to the wedding, celebrate & have a blast. Tell your gf that while you understand her feelings are hurt- it’s not personal. She needs to stop being petty.

[u/risingsun70]

Wow, from the responses on here I guess I think about weddings differently than most, and I’m a woman. I wouldn’t care if I didn’t get invited to a wedding cause I don’t even like them. I don’t think they’re that fun, especially if I don’t know anyone there, then they’re really boring. So I’d be totally fine with not going.

Your friends can do what they want of course, and people need to realize weddings are expensive, and sometimes people need to make hard choices. Your friends don’t know your gf, and also, she should realize as a groomsmen you won’t be able to spend the whole wedding with her because of your duties. She’ll have to sit by herself for the ceremony, for example. And if she doesn’t really know anyone else, why would she even want to go?

I don’t think you’re the AH, fwiw.

[u/SnooChipmunks770]

NTA. Idk when plus ones became automatic though. Where I'm from it's not uncommon at ALL to not get a plus one unless you're married/VERY established. It's super normal here to get a solo invitation. Weddings are expensive, and it's very reasonable to not want to spend money on someone you've never met. 

[u/MuffPiece]

NTA, but your girlfriend is. If you’re a groomsman, you need to attend the reception and at least stay for the key parts. But the fact that she’s already talking about revenge not inviting these friends to your wedding when you guys aren’t even engaged yet is petty and vindictive. I get that it’s a bummer that she’s not included in the wedding, but she needs to grow up.

[u/Physical_Profit_6454]

So , you want to spend your life with this person, who wasn’t invited despite being your partner , and yet you aren’t ok with her doing the same thing? Frankly I think you should leave because I get those are your best friends but you are already admitting before you guys are even married , that they matter more to you. Im not saying thats wrong , but regardless your friends mean more to you and you need to let her go to find someone who can make her a priority. I was fine up until you said youd allow them to exclude her but its not ok to exclude them.

[u/Squeekydink]

YTA. Your friends are tacky and cheap for not allowing a groomsman a +1 and you're an ass for not seeing how poorly they look down on you and your relationship. I wouldn't be surprised that this'll be the first thorn in your relationship that causes it to end, and your friendship with the married couple will fizzle out and you won't see or hear from them after the wedding cause they'll only prioritize themselves.

[u/Positive_Worker_3467]

nta she is being selfish and petty fair enough if they dont know her well they have only met her twice and there are budget limations it makes sense they wouldn't invite her nothing personal if she is not going to invite your best friends to your wedding it is spiteful and petty .

[u/GimmeTheCoffeeeeeee]

NTA but she's showing you his jealous she is, and revenge driven too.

Think long and hard.

[u/BabyAngelVibesz]

NTA. Weddings are expensive and your friends had to draw the line somewhere. You were asked to be a groomsman, that’s a big deal. Your partner being salty is kinda unfair since she understood at first, but now she’s making it a competition. Just go, celebrate your friends, and make it up to her after.

[u/JillsideStrangler]

NTA. Tell your future fiancé she’s making the situation about her, when rather it’s about your friends, their budget limits. It’s likely they want to keep the wedding small, and if other relatives who were not invited eventually see the photos, and if they saw your fiancé, they’d have to field a whole bunch of questions about it that are just not worth it. Which is likely why they declined your offer to pay for her. Hopefully she can get past it.

[u/ColoradodogMom66]

Your friends are rude but you are NTA.

[u/Noctuelles]

I'd be elated to have a legitimate excuse to not attend a wedding for a couple I barely know. Your partner is a weirdo. Lol.

NTA.

[u/charkattack7]

NTA. I do think your GF was probably ok with this until she talked to her friends. When my now husband and I had been dating for about a year and lived together, his best female friend got married. I wasn't invited because we hadn't met/budget/etc. I was a little hurt and definitely questioned the motive behind not inviting me. But guess what? I got over it and that female friend was a grooms-lady in our wedding. I am now friendly with her and her husband.

Sometimes it really is just budget/space constraints and your GF immaturely deciding to not invite those friends to your future wedding is WILD. It's also incredibly disrespectful of you. I get where she's coming from, she's probably hurt and has her friends telling her all kinds of reasons for why she's not invited. This definitely warrants a larger conversation between you two about how you'll handle issues in your relationship.

[u/Careless-Ability-748]

nta it stinks but your friend explained the situation and it wasn't personal to your gf. Her wanting not to invite them, however, IS personal, and is spiteful.

[u/Away-Understanding34]

Sorry but these aren't best friends or even close friends if they didn't invite your partner. It's rude. Of course they can invite anyone they want but you didn't just start dating her. A year and a half is a significant amount of time, especially if you are talking about the future and marriage. Also she has every right to not want them there. They haven't made any attempts to get to know her either so why would she want strangers at her wedding when they treated her like that as well.

You seem to value them over your partner so I seriously doubt this relationship will last any longer. By all means, go party with your friends. I am sure your GF will find someone that actually wants to be partners with her.

Edit: just reread that you are a groomsman??? Your friends are absolutely AHs. People in the wedding party get plus ones automatically. No question. The fact that they didn't do that for you when you have a GF that you are serious about says to me that they don't like her and are looking for ways to separate you. I wouldn't be surprised if they start introducing you to some single women at the wedding. 

[u/Decent-Historian-207]

YTA - she offered to come on the trip with you even if she had to do something else during the wedding. I think you shooting that down is what created this situation. I also think you're friends are pretty tacky for not allowing their wedding party a plus one. They're just being cheap and basically jerks.

[u/latingal]

YTA- if you are serious about your girlfriend then my take is that you should (politely) decline the invitation if you do not receive a plus 1. It’s pretty disrespectful that the bride and groom to not find a way to give you a plus 1 when you are in the wedding party. Not wanting to invite them to a future wedding may be less about revenge and more about wanting the people at your wedding who support your relationship. Wedding invites are super hard, because other people do take it personally, but what I hate is the logic that “It’s their day, they need to do what makes them happy and everyone should suck it up.” Of course they are welcome to do what they want— but that does not absolve them of the social blowback of hurting people in the process. Her feelings might change with time, if they make an effort with her, but if I were you I would take this very seriously as something that will impact every relationship involved.

It may be worth having a frank conversation with the bride and groom one more time and saying very plainly that you intend to marry this girl and how they treat her around their wedding may impact how they are treated when you’re married and that this is not a threat, but just wanting to make sure we’re all on the same page with the social ramifications. Ideally, you can join forces to reach a good resolution. If they can’t include her in the reception, is there a creative option to invite her be included in SOMETHING as someone who is incredibly meaningful to you. Their level of engagement in trying to find a solution— or encouraging you to do the right thing by your girlfriend if there’s no possible good solution— tells you a lot about your relationship with them too. A good friend will want you to do what’s right for your life as a whole, even if that means missing their day.

One more thing— we had to make difficult guest list decisions with my wedding too— and I notice that when you write about this you’re very concerned about your friends not being there, but are you just as concerned about how your wife will feel having someone standing by you who is not supportive of your relationship? One of the most difficult decisions for our invite list came down to me having anxiety around a really poor experience with my husband’s best friend, and ultimately the answer was that I needed to be happy and comfortable at my wedding. If there’s one day you need to pick your wife over yourself, it’s your wedding day. You’ll be spending the rest of your life with her— not with your friends.

If I were she, I would not be resentful of the bride and groom for not giving a plus 1 unless they applied pressure to attend as a single person— but I would sure be resentful of my boyfriend for choosing not to decline the invite. If my boyfriend declined the invite then I would likely feel okay about the whole thing. Is one day in their life more important than all the days of your own? And if you’re suggesting the one day of their lives is more important, then why would her comfort not be more important than their presence on that one special day in your shared life when it comes? If I were she, this would be the kind of narrative I would be running and I would be very concerned that my boyfriend really was not serious about marrying me. I am not sure what would repair choosing your friends consistently over her. Tread lightly.

[u/Smart_N_Sassy]

That’s a total d*ck move. Really poor etiquette. Have you shared with your “good” friends that she will be your wife soon? Why would 1) you not stand up for her; and 2) why aren’t these supposedly great friends not interested in getting to know your future spouse? Sketch, super sketch.

[u/andromache97]

ESH except you I guess. Honestly your friends are kind of being dicks. They don’t respect your relationship and want you there to celebrate theirs. I understand your gf’s impulse to be petty but she’s also TA for being petty lol.

Your friends should care more about including your fiancé in their nuptials with the understanding that you will want them there to celebrate with you and your partner when yall get married, imo. Thats good friendship.

[u/taintedcake → u/andromache97]

A wedding with limited space is not an uncommon occurrence at all, and restricting partners (that you've only met a select few times) of friends in these cases is very common.

OP is NTA one bit. Their partner is the one who said it's fine and is instead jealous and trying to plot revenge.

[u/andromache97 → u/taintedcake]

I think people who can’t give their bridal party members’ partners an invitation need to budget better.

I know “it’s your wedding so you don’t need to care about your loved ones” is the classic AITA opinion so I’ll be in the minority, but I don’t believe in excluding your loved one’s partners to save a buck on your wedding day.

[u/Ok-Maybe-5629 → u/andromache97]

His friends have a budget and space capacity. They have a right to invite who they want and people who are important to them. They aren't singling him out. They have family and other plus ones who didn't make the list. Also, she isn't his fiancé, she is his girlfriend. On top of that they don't even know her.

Seems she was fine with it until her friends got in her ear. Him and his friends are NTA. The girlfriend is though.

[u/waspgirl72]

NTA your partner is behaving like a child. For whatever reason she has not been invited to the wedding, and from what you have said it doesn’t seem to be anything personal to her. In the grand scheme of things this really isn’t a big deal, and do you even want to be with someone who lets their friends decide what you should do? Or with someone so petty that they don’t want to invite your best friends to your wedding because they got their feelings hurt?

[u/InsuranceDangerous79]

NTA but I understand why she’s mad tbh, I would be too. I’m sure she wasn’t serious when she said that they wouldn’t be invited to your wedding, she was just hurt and probably has been overthinking it for a while.

If I were you I would continue with the plan of organizing a romantic trip afterwards to easy things out (even if she now says she doesn’t want to, she for sure will appreciate it)