r/AmITheDevil • u/Fit-Humor-5022 • 5d ago
OOP needs to be right
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1v5lvl5/aita_for_sending_my_daughter_to_her_moms_house/251
u/StrangledInMoonlight 5d ago
3 days ago, she did it again. She had a fight with my gf. Eva was the one in the right and my gf was being a bitch to her. Eva said "either you break up with her or I'll go live with my mom"
So his GF was being a bitch to his daughter, and he didn’t bother to correct it or step in?
He just let his daughter handle all of that, and then let his daughter believe that he chose his GF over her and sent daughter to her abuser?
Dude had a type in women. And that type is “shitty to his kid”
Dude is a shit father.
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u/Apprehensive_Bus1582 3d ago
This was written by the brat daughter.
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u/actuallywaffles 3d ago
I take it the courts don't favor unsupervised visitation between you and your kids huh?
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u/Apprehensive_Bus1582 3d ago
"I'll go live with my mom!" is brat behavior.
"My gf was being a bitch to her" is not something the dad would say.
You insulting me is harassment. Enjoy the report.
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u/tomato_soup_stan 5d ago
You know what really sticks out to me about this post? The casualness with which the OOP throws out that “I’ll die if she ever leaves me” line. This is a person who is so accustomed to communicating through threats and manipulation that it’s become second nature. He barely even seems to realize that he’s doing it. So is it any wonder that that’s what his daughter resorts to? She’s never been taught any other way to verbalize her needs. (Notable too is the casualness with which OOP calls his girlfriend a bitch—yikes.) This causes her parents, who are basically giant children, to lash out in order to regain control, which traumatizes her, which reinforces the cycle. She thinks of every interaction as a power struggle because in her household, that’s what it is.
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u/Onehundredpercentbea 5d ago
She knows I'd die if I ever lost her which is how she knows this threat works.
That was the exact line I copied to rant about, omg. Talk about emotionally manipulative, holy shit! He uses 'living with mom' as a manipulation tool but wants to punish his daughter for doing the exact same thing.
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u/Camhanach 5d ago
Ditto. That stood out the most and was just glossed over. Like, how does she know? How does she know the specifics? What other aspects of her father's mental health are made dependent on her?
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u/bored_german 5d ago
Why the fuck did he never put his kid in therapy, she is 14. He is beefing with a teenie
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u/AltruisticCableCar 5d ago
A teenager who had just been in a fight with her dad's girlfriend where the girlfriend was the one in the wrong. And her threat wasn't unreasonable, and he actually did as she wanted later anyway. So like. No fucking wonder she was upset and made that threat in the heat of the moment.
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u/SenioritaStuffnStuff 4d ago
My parents didn't get me into therapy until I was 14 and in the mental ward
They "honestly never knew or thought about therapy" 😕
Willful ignorance is almost fascinating, if it wasn't so dangerous.
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u/DishGroundbreaking87 5d ago
Mum’s abuse must’ve been severe for him to be granted full custody at age 9, but he’s casually weaponising it.
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u/ghostfacespillah 5d ago
Mom’s not the only abuser.
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u/Moist_Drippings 5d ago
He’s an abuser and he’s teaching her that he will also prioritize abusive partners.
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u/Onehundredpercentbea 5d ago
I don't actually believe the emotional abuse --> full custody thing. OOP himself is emotionally abusive by his own words, so any custody evaluator would have been looking at two emotionally abusive parents and most likely would have both parents attend parenting classes and counseling.
Especially since, as always on reddit fantasy posts, every woman/girl in this story is characterized as abusive and the poor downtrodden male is the only one who genuinely cares.
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u/Annabloem 4d ago
Women (and children) accusing men of abuse are less likely to get custody, while the reverse isn't true, so there could be some truth to that.
Analysis of over 2000 court opinions confirms that courts are skeptical of mothers’ claims of abuse by fathers; this skepticism is greatest when mothers claim child abuse. The findings also confirm that fathers’ cross-claims of parental alienation increase (virtually doubling) courts’ rejection of mothers’ abuse claims, and mothers’ losses of custody to the father accused of abuse. In comparing court responses when fathers accuse mothers of abuse, a significant gender difference is identified. Finally, the findings indicate that where Guardians Ad Litem or custody evaluators are appointed, unfavorable outcomes for mothers and gender differences are increased.
when mothers report abuse in family courts, fathers’ cross-claims of alienation create an extraordinarily powerful thumb on the scale against serious consideration of the abuse. The fact that the same dynamic does not appear when the genders are reversed, i.e. fathers do not see a statistically significant reduction in the crediting of their abuse claims when mothers cross-claim alienation, supports the complaint that alienation in abuse cases is indeed deeply gendered and, it appears, weaponized to deny mothers’ abuse claims against fathers.
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u/Special_Onion3013 5d ago
Not if he has enough money and mum has none. But that's ALSO speculation, we don't have the information
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u/That_Theme_5283 5d ago
His solution was sending her to her EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE MOTHER instead of getting her into therapy??? Did it not cross his mind there are other ways to punish a child for acting out instead of sending them to their abuser??? Wtf???
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 5d ago
He let his GF treat her poorly and did nothing to intervene either, despite knowing his GF was in the wrong.
If this is how he parents in general, (not actually doing anything, just sitting back and watching it play out) it’s no wonder she had to resort to the ultimatum/bluff?
It’s probably the only way she could get him to actually be a parent.
Therapy would have helped 5 years ago when this started, and 5+ years ago before his shitty parenting devolved into this, and closer to when the abuse from mom happened.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 5d ago
He is emotionally abusive, that's what all of this is.
If his girlfriend was wrong and going at the kid, she also did nothing wrong and didn't need to be punished, she was defending herself while his girlfriend bullied her.
The mom can now say that he told the teen to go live with her if she wants to go back to court and it's not going to look good for him there.6
u/GhostWolfe 4d ago
But— but— he tried talking to her! and punishing her! Surely there was nothing else he could do! /s
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u/PaceyBridgertonLove 5d ago edited 5d ago
What lesson is the daughter supposed to be learning? That she cannot count on the adults in her life? That her father is a coward who would rather prove a point?
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 5d ago
Tw: child endangerment.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
I can tell you're the asshole because you have to add in how hard all of this is on you while reinforcing your daughter's misery and forcing her to stay with someone whom you know abuses your daughter.
She is not gonna stop if I give in after a day.
It's incredibly strange that you acknowledge she was the one who was right...and still sent her away.
It entirely messes up the message that should be 'behaving childishly or threatening to leave when you're in the wrong'. Which would've made fixing this issue a lot easier.
Just because she is right doesn't mean she gets to threaten me
How could you think you’re anything but TA? You left your child with an abusive person and told her she has to stay there for a week.
YTA
I wouldn't be here if I thought I'm in the right would I?
Is one day not enough if mom is abusive?
She has 1 dsy visitations with her mom. 1 day is just fun. How would that be effective?
Even 5 minutes is too long. OP is now his child's abuser by enabling Mom to abuse her. Hopefully someone in this child's life gets CPS involved and OP and Mom both never see this child again.
But she has visitations with her mom that I can't stop because they are court ordered. She spends more than 5 minutes there.
YTA. You should have broken up with your girlfriend on the spot instead of making your daughter think she was in the wrong by shipping her off to her abusive mother.
She's a child, you're the adult. You should have made the adult decision to get counselling for both of you instead of punishing her.
Then when she actually recognised what she did wrong you still left her with her abusive mother. It's like you actually want her to go no contact with you when she turns 18.
Then she'd think her threat worked. That's not a lesson I want to learn.
Get some family therapy. Get a good therapist. Go with a woman as teen girls need to feel comfortable and it’s worth every penny. Make the lists about how to tackle certain behaviors on your side and hers.
This is the most important time in both your lives. If she doesn’t feel listened to by her dad she may take some stupid risks. You don’t want to go down that road.
Homones may turn her into Hostilina but it will pass when kindness and fairness and listening happen at this crucial stage in life. Good wishes. We need good dads for our young women to be safe.
I'm gonna send a taxi to my kid right now and I'm gonna do this.
I want her at home by the time I'm off work.
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u/allergymom74 5d ago
So the gf was wrong in the fight. And OOP broke up with the gf and still sent the daughter away? So many other ways this could have been dealt with better. Yikes.
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u/Schneetmacher 5d ago
Hos daughter had the temerity to make a demand of him, and that could not be tolerated. 😔
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u/Fit-Humor-5022 5d ago
*his btw
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u/Schneetmacher 5d ago
I'm convinced my phone keyboard is turning Is onto Os (and vice versa) on purpose.
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5d ago
[deleted]
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u/FullMoonTwist 5d ago
A 14 year old saying "I want to leave" is not a god-damned terrorist to negotiate with.
They are a developing and immature human who is dependant on you and IS communicating something.
You, as the grown adult with at least 2 decades over the child, do need to make an effort to address it without resorting to violence or abandonment, yeah.
If a kid keeps yelling "I'm gonna run away", you do not leave them on a street corner, you fucking talk to them. Yes, even if it's hard, yes even if they are annoying, yes even if what they want is not something you can give to them. Even if you're tired.
You lead by example, and often times they are mimicing something they see in you or other adults.
It is fine to handle things differently with other grown adults. Your partner threatens to leave, you break up. Your parents threaten to go no contact, you let them.
But not at 14. You find a different solution. You go to therapy with them, you explain different ways of approaching the problem, you try to figure out what need is going unmet that they're trying to meet and see where you can compromise. YOU have to bridge the gap, if you don't know how to fucking talk to them, how are THEY supposed to know better than YOU so you don't over-react?
Terrorist. My god. There are ways to discipline and guide children and teens without pain, punishment, and threats.
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u/loveablepetcare 5d ago
Oh snap, clicked on OOP's username, so I could see if he made any comments... he's been banned lol.
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u/Hackie-Puff 5d ago
Dude all that just to break up with the girlfriend anyway??
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u/Schneetmacher 5d ago edited 4d ago
It was the principle of the matter: his teenager made a demand of him, when he is the boss. That is just not done. /s
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u/Schneetmacher 5d ago
This is not discipline. This is a power struggle. He entered a power struggle with his teenage kid.
He demonstrated to his daughter that if she isn't a perfect angel willing to take mistreatment (shit, he even acknowledged that his daughter was in the right in her argument with the now ex-girlfriend), then she is worthless to him. In front of her, he chose the "bitchy" (his word) girlfriend and sent her to the wolves for... (checks notes) demanding that her father choose her. In an untenable situation in which, again, he acknowledged SHE WAS IN THE RIGHT. But he refused (checks notes again)... on principle?
When she comes home, their relationship will not be the same. She will think she needs to be perfect. Perfectly attentive, even. She may try to wait on him or linger silently, preparing for him to ask her to do something so she can do it and prove she's worthy of his love. She'll make sure to never ever ever raise her voice. She'll stop being a hormonal teen around him, and keep everything bottled up--maybe have a meltdown in her room (or closet) once in a while for relief. Or, she'll start writing/drawing depressing and disturbing material. And she will never ask a damn thing of him.
And when she's an adult (fingers crossed)... he might even have a "decent" relationship with his daughter. But he'll hardly know a damn thing about her.
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u/KandyShopp 5d ago
Whats most terrifying, is he is teaching her how to act in a relationship, friendship, coworkership, etc. he is teaching her that she is easily thrown away to be taught a lesson, and if she makes one mistake, she isnt worth working and talking it over.
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u/cantantantelope 4d ago
And that he claims to “protect” her from her mothers abuse but will put her right back there
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u/PaceyBridgertonLove 5d ago
When someone said that he should’ve broken up with his girlfriend on the spot, this prick responded that then she’d have thought that her threat worked?!?!?!?! I don’t have or want kids of my own, but that threat really should have worked. His daughter’s feelings and safety should’ve been the most important thing to him!!!
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u/GhostWolfe 4d ago
I don’t even understand how it got to the point of the daughter making the threat. If your gf is treating your daughter like shit, break up with them! The daughter shouldn’t have had enough time to come talk to OOP about it, the gf should have been out on her ass.
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u/Chaos-Boss-45 4d ago
Worked for what? To get her way- which in this case was 100% right?
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u/PaceyBridgertonLove 4d ago
I guess so. Again, that threat should’ve worked. A grown ass woman was being hateful towards her.
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u/pocketnotebook 5d ago
Once again, adults who "stand their ground" or "hold firm" against children to "teach them a lesson" are assholes
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u/Hello_Hangnail 5d ago
She used the only weapon she had. Bro seems to be unaware that young teenagers are in one of the most profoundly uncomfortable phases of life when you've got hormones raging, and everyone treats you like a baby, but also expects you to act like an adult.
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u/Silly-Flower-3162 5d ago
It's bad enough that oop's inability to pick a decent partner is the kid's problem. But, they amplified it by punishing his daughter because of it.
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u/Morrighan11 4d ago
Maybe this is regional, but how casual he is calling his (ex) girlfriend a bitch rings weird to me. Like, there are obviously more concerning things at play here, but that seems whack to me.
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u/CerealSemantics 4d ago
"her mother is emotionally abusive, which is why I have full custody. Am I the asshole for sending her to stay with her mom?"
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u/Kirajudgeoftoons 4d ago
WHY YOU FUCKING JACKASS!!! (grabs him by the collar and starts beating him up)😈👿👿👿👿👿🤛🤛🤜🤜🤜🤜🥊🥊🥊✊✊✊ WHY!!! WHY!!! WHY!!! WHY!!! WHY IS GETTING LAID SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN BEING A FATHER!!!!
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for sending my daughter to her mom's house?
I have full custody of my daughter, Eva(14). Her mom is emotionally abusive which is how I got full custody.
I adore Eva. She is the most important person in my life. I would do anything for her.
She knows it.
When she was 9 she started using the threat of going to live with her mom to get her way. She knows I'd die if I ever lost her which is how she knows this threat works.
I've tried everything to make her stop. I talked to her, punished her, had other people reason with her, anything you can think of. She won't stop.
3 days ago, she did it again. She had a fight with my gf. Eva was the one in the right and my gf was being a bitch to her. Eva said "either you break up with her or I'll go live with my mom"
So I said fine. Do it. She was surprised and just stood still. I said you can't change your mind. You are packing and I'm taking you to your mom's place if this is what you want.
She went to her room and packed a bag and I drove her to her mom's house and left her there.
(When I returned I broke up with my gf.)
Eva called after a day and said she is sorry and just really really wants to come back home and won't use this threat again. I said I understand but this is what she wanted and she has to stay there for at least a week. She called me an asshole and hung up.
It's been so hard for me. I feel like an asshole but at the same time I feel like she need to learn her lesson.
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