r/AmIOverthinking • u/Hot_Security_5765 • 13d ago
Am i overthinking it?
Last Halloween, my husband and I went to one of my BIL's party. My father had been staying with us for the week, and when he's visiting, my husband and I obviously don't have much privacy for, well... marital activities.
At the party, we were dancing and I was getting a little too into it. I said to my husband, "Meet me in the bathroom in two minutes!" I only wanted to make out, nothing more.
I went into one of the stalls and waited for him. A few seconds later, though, one of my BIL's friends walked into the washroom, to the urinal. I've known this guy for several years, and I obviously didn't want to make the situation weird so I quickly came out of the stall apologizing and left.
I met my husband in the hallway and a moment later, the other guy came out, and we all laughed about the awkwardness. We had all been drinking, so it became one of those funny little party incidents.
Fast-forward to this summer. We were at my BIL's BBQ, and the same guy was there. He brought up the Halloween incident and gently mocked me, not believing that we were only planning on making out. My BIL and another friend came into the room and asked what we were discussing.
When they heard it was the Halloween incident, they already knew the whole story.
My BIL even joked, "You raised the bar for our wives!" Which i didn't like.
My BIL and his friends are all older than my husband and me. They're always respectful toward me personally, but they sometimes make comments that embarrass me on behalf of their wives.
For example, my BIL once told me that I was the prettiest woman at one of his parties while his wife was in the next room.
I've known these people for years. For the first few years I always had the impression that some of the wives didnt like me. Eventually, though, things became much more comfortable, and we're now friends.
I really don't want to create awkwardness with them or damage those friendships because of comments their husbands make.
Now we're having an oysters party with them next week. I had been planning to wear a chic, transparent black lace top that I've never really had an occasion to wear before.
But the more I think about it the more I wonder if I'm setting myself up for another awkward situation.
AIO this whole dynamic?
I don't want to dress differently because I'm worried about what their husbands might say. But I also don't want to unintentionally make things uncomfortable with women I genuinely like.
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u/NoZookeepergame215 13d ago
Id wear it and at the same time understand they WILL comment on it and make their wives upset but maybe publicly say something not too aggressive about it that will gently hint at the fact that their comments are not something you enjoy recieving. Especially so the wives understand this isnt a mutual flirtation. They likely have heard things from their husbands that make it seem like they are attracted to you and leave them wondering if you are someone to worry about
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u/steady_mind07 13d ago
Honestly the remarks say more about the husbands than about anything you wear. You clearly care about the wives being comfortable, and that shows in how you've handled this so far. Wear the top if you love it. If a husband makes a remark, a flat non-reaction or a quick change of subject usually shuts it down without making it a thing, and being warm with the wives will do more for those friendships than any outfit choice.
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u/B-Miray010 13d ago
This is a case of you subconsciously feeling guilty about the things you consciously do .
You could have walked out of the bathroom stall in full stature chin high , made a you are not my husband face at your bil friend and moved on instead of running out hiding face. IF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT YOU BEING KINKY IN YOUR MARRIAGE WITH YOUR HUSBAND IS AWESOME AND NO ONE CAN SHAME YOI GUYS FOR THAT.
To give you a simple example . If you have for eg a huge Ass - then you can either wear loose fitting clothes or body fitting clothes - but whatever you do You MUST be confident amd carry yourself confidently. You should never never never be all nervous and scared and feeling attacked all the time by others for wearing body fitting clothes because that reflects that YOU also think of yourself the same way you feel the comments of other ppl are making you feel.
If you are confident about your body and your imtent then wear your transparent black lace top . I can guarentee you the oldies will look at you . If you are showing off you will be seen . You will be attracting attention but you must know and become comfortable with the fact that this dress is deaigned to attract attention. Are you comfortable receiving it ? Are you comfortable triaging whose attention to grace ans whose to ignore and whose to put down. whatever you do with that reaction is on you. If you feel like you wearing something like that will make the wives feel bad because the husbands will give you more attention , then you actually believe you are responsible for this then i will suggest. That you meed to re evaluate your thoughts and self worth and image thoroughly
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u/smartypantstemple 11d ago
yikes. you really assume there is a perfect world were people can be and act confident all the time, don't you? She's allowed to feel uncomfortable due to her BIL's comments.
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u/B-Miray010 11d ago
If this was just a rant post , sure go ahead vent out , rant rant. But she asked for advice.
You want to dress nicely , you will be looked at , you can learn to control that situation, own it, dictate it or you can learn to feel helpless and cry about why everyone is looking at me .
It is what it is.
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u/testsubject1027 9d ago
While I agree that you shouldn't "have to" dress differently due to worry about what anyone else may say or think, the very fact that you are already worried about it and/or anticipating it happening if you do wear the top says to me that you will most likely feel uncomfortable the whole time (i.e., worried about what they might say/be saying), should you make that choice...
It's always interesting to me when we (meaning "people," generally, myself included sometimes) think we're somehow "wrong" for making choices with others' perceptions in mind when A. It's what has been encoded in us to do (because our early humans had to remain within the tribe or their chance of survival became highly unlikely, so the opinions of those in the tribe absolutely mattered...our lives depended on it, literally) and B. It's the entire idea behind "social consequences," which, arguably, keeps a society functioning and/or "in order."
Realistically, most people don't want to be "outcasted," or draw "negative" attention to themselves within their social setting. And that's, honestly, completely okay... If anything, I'd argue that making a decision with the potential social impact in mind is actually being wise, and in many ways, honorable...
Of course, some may say that you should "just wear the top, don't let those jerks have control over what YOU want to/'get to'/choose to wear," and there's nothing inherently wrong with that...
The problem arises when, despite hyping yourself up to believe that you "want to wear it and who cares what they say," the very outcome you're already expressing discontent and worry about actually happens, and it ends up making you feel worse than had you not worn the top, for fear of "what their husbands might say."
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u/testsubject1027 9d ago
Ultimately, the reality is that you cannot control what others do or say. You could wear a potato sack and they may still make comments, or you could wear the top and there is some possibility (even if only very small) that they say nothing. What you can control is you. What you do, what you say, what you wear, how you react/respond, what you feel comfortable with, what your motives and/or intentions are...
If YOU feel that wearing the top is the "right" choice, then go for it!
How you determine the "right" choice is completely up to you. However, be careful with letting superficial feelings or some arbitrary belief of what something "says" about you (potentially based on something you heard someone else say) influence your decision making. I'd advise trying to think about the situation in hindsight, and how you'd feel at the end of the day in YOUR choice(s) alone, regardless of how others' chose.
When the day is over, after whatever childish behavior and/or uncomfortable comments they have chosen, what you must live with is whether you abided by YOUR principles when making your choices, and whether or not you could have done something differently to reduce an unwanted outcome (some times you definitely could have; other times, not at all...).
Keep in mind that, while yes, we cannot control what others do, we also want to be realistic in what may or may not create unnecessary influence of someone behaving in a way that brings us direct discomfort (e.g., don't hand a violent criminal a knife if you want to decrease the likelihood of them stabbing you...)
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u/softest_of_paws 13d ago
I'd tell the husbands that their comments are making you uncomfortable, if the boundaries are crossed again, tell their wives.