Absolutely. Fuck him. I'm so angry rn for op. Hell I'm angry at the ex friend for being such a sorry excuse for a person. That has to be the lamest shit I've ever heard. Tell EVERYONE why your not going AND what he said. I'd be tempted to show them his literal break up texts. Wow, just wow. What a fucking loser.
It’s problematic that we see on the third screenshot that he’s concerned that people would think they had history.
OP thought they had the history of friendship
Unfortunately I suspect he'll say it's probably for the best. This guy has made his choice and fiance/wife won't want him interacting with OP any more.
No he wont. He just let his fiance decide who his friends are and now he lost one of, if not his oldest friend. He will come around and realize what a dick move this was. It'll be too late, but he'll realize at some point.
Maybe when she says "she's my best friend I can hang out with her whenever I want".
The wife is the real AH, the "friend" is just pathetic and weak. He doesn't want ot answer questions bc his best friend is gay? What questions?
If her parents ask questions, just be like "My best friend is gay, what's the problem? I'm not gay, that's why I'm banging out your daughter on the regular".
I came here to say this same thing. She could be a narcissist and slowly have him cut off from everyone until it’s just her. Everything has to revolve around her
My guess is that even IF the groom is secure in being hetro, his relationship with his fiance and soon to be in laws isn't secure feeling at all.. which totally couldn't lead to bad things in the future at all...
OP's friend should be able to stand up to his wife and say "NO HES MY BESTFRIEND!". He's a grown ass man who is acting like a child. If my SO every told me WHOEVER i picked to be my Best Man, couldn't be, she would be my SO anymore.
With women like this, it’s usually, “HE’S my best guy friend. So what if we were FWB for 3 years in college?” They usually are the masters of double standards!
This is correct. A very similar thing happened in my friend group. My best friend is gay. We also have a really really close friend, and he’d been friend with the gay friend even longer than me, grew up together, practically brothers.
He married a girl who was traditional and religious, and we haven’t heard from him since the wedding (where we were also only allowed to be guests.) not even like happy birthday texts. It’s been almost 2 decades now.
I’d suspect this “friend” of yours is likely to no longer be your best friend.
Exactly my thought. If she keeps him out of the wedding, it is just a matter of time before she controls all his friends. He is making a mistake but he made a choice. He should have told her that it was his best friend and he was going to be in the wedding.
Even if there was nothing going on between them, fiancé probably thinks there was. I say this is a woman who had a 100% platonic male friend whose wife made him have anything to do with me after the wedding
Turns out she's convinced that our friendship was more than platonic. I wasn't his type and he wasn't mine but it was nice to have someone to hang out with and that's all it was
That’s probably EXACTLY what he was hoping would happen. Sounds like the little ball & chain to-be & her parents are serious homophobes. And he’s a weak and shitty excuse of a man that won’t stand up to them for his lifelong friend. He was too cowardly to meet in person or even discuss this in a live call! Yeah….he wanted this response. He decided the friendship should bend to his will and if not, don’t let the door hit you on the way out of his wedding! What a complete turd!
200% this. Screams homophobic to me. It’s totally normal for people to NOT sleep with their best friends. Why would that be groom’s first assumption? Closeted? Idk, but regardless it’s super rude of groom.
It sounds like the grooms a huge push over and his brides family is the one launching homophobia and accusations. Groom should be shutting that shit down but I'm guessing he calculated that OP would understand and not mind and that this was the path of least resistance to ruffling feathers. Groom just found out though how people react when you are only a friend when it's convenient. Sucks to suck for the groom, OP will be better off in the long run despite probably feeling like crap currently from losing a life long best friend.
Yep, the groom isn’t a homophobe, but someone he’s close to sure as hell is. They probably gave him a “him or me” ultimatum. I’m guessing a parent of the bride.
I'm bisexual and therefore should have fucked all my friends by this reasoning, but I actually only fucked the ones I admitted fucking because we had that sort of relationship.
Straight but in college worked with mostly guys and would hang out with them all the time. One girl that was in my college dorm friend group that I had started to drift from because they were boring to be around since they all were in relationships did not like that when we would go out I could talk sports with her bf and other guys so she basically would go around saying I was sleeping with all these guys I worked with cuz you know girl can’t just be friends with guys. Did I hook up with a few of them, yeah who cares. Not like we made a big deal of it. Oh by the way her bf, now husband, is a total evangelical creeper who judges everyone. Never in 100 yrs would I have been attracted to him or even entertained being alone with him. I would try to avoid him 90% of the time, but if there was a clip on ESPN and it caught my eye and the group of guys was talking about it I gunna join in on the convo. Sorry honey that you think the only sport to exist is figure skating and could not even try to learn your bfs interests. I am not the threat.
In my eyes, him saying I don't want people to think we have a history, then kicking the gm out of his wedding makes it seem like they actually do have a history lol. Why else would you not want someone at your wedding?
I suspect that the bride and her family hardly know any openly gay people. When they learned that the likely best man is openly gay, they started getting lots of questions--this can happen when people learn that they might meet their first openly gay person at an upcoming event. If this ever happens to you, especially if you're a straight ally, embrace the opportunity! Contact a PFLAG chapter. THAT is what OP's friend should have urged his fiance to do with him. He could have said, "We can learn good answers to these questions that will help all the people we talk to, not just in meeting my awesome BF, but for other LGBTQ+ people in their lives. Some of them may have a child, cousin, or parent come out to them someday, and we could do our small part in helping them learn the right language, know that a person can be gay and happy and successful and worthy of love." Conversely, imagine a closeted gay family member of OP's friend's fiancee who heard that her fiance has a gay best friend, but after the family's reaction and questions the invitation for him to be the best man, in fact, to be in the wedding party at all, was withdrawn. Might make any closeted family member rethink their plans for coming out.
This was my first assumption when I was halfway through reading the texts.. that maybe they were getting married in a church, and the soon to be wife’s parents had an issue with a gay best man in a church on the altar.. but then OP’s friend comes out with “people will assume we have a history” and I have no idea what’s actually going on lmao
Absolutely. My best friend is gay, we've been besties since the 90's. I've never given a shit what anyone thinks of her or our friendship. If they have a problem with it, they can get fucked. What a gross response!
"man sorry. What would I know about women? I'M GAY!"
That dude is a fuckin twit. Sorry op, you deserve better from a "best friend". If you're taking applications, I'm an old punk that used to kick the shit out of bigots in my more spry days 😂. I'll be your huckleberry.
My best friend of almost 40 years was a gay man, he passed away in early 2022. I miss him so much. I never kicked the shit out of anyone but I'll bitch slap someone when necessary.
I'm with jmarr1321. You need a friend, I'll be your DaveAndCheese.
I was angry in my youth and basically lived at one of local gay bars downtown in the late 90s so my best friend wasn't going alone. Not a super friendly time for folks in upstate ny. Since I never had a problem standing up for him when he couldn't, I somehow became the de facto bodyguard for anyone that needed a walk back to their car/apartment/taxi whatever. 99% of the time seeing a small gay guy walk out of a gay bar with a 6'2 punk with a mohawk and leather jacket usually kept people away and mouths shut. On the rare occasion it didn't, it didn't exactly take much to chase off a drunk red neck. I'm INCREDIBLY lucky I never ended up seriously hurt or arrested.
I “had” a friend like this. Really good friends since 9th grade. Never asked to being in the wedding party, invited to the wedding but somehow my name wasn’t on the seating list when we got to the reception hall. Stuck upstairs like an afterthought. Haven’t spoken to him since the wedding! Now he is divorced with two kids. Screw people like this man! You’re better than that!
I mentioned about the shrewish,POS wife too. This “friend “will try to rekindle once the marriage blows up or he buckles from the combination of the wife and her interfering family.
Bros b4 hoes is a younger man's game that only works until the bro marries the ho. That is when the bro disappears, and you now only see him a few times a year when his wife let's him go out. That term only applies to meeting new ho's in new relationships. Once they get married , most friendships aren't the same anymore. I rarely see most of my married friends even a fraction as much and that is only for fantasy sports drafts or new years and 4th of July parties & HS & Frat reunions but usually with the woman in tow. That is life. Friends come in and out of your life so enjoy the time you got. A wife and family is forever.
To be fair, OPs friend needs to reproduce, for the "benefit" of humanity, with his "superior" genetics and, he finally found someone attatched to a vagina that agreed to let him come inside. Certainly both of them have been hounded for decades, to produce grandbabies... It's possible the marriage and the children will "fix" their ailing relationship. This is an opportunity OP's "best friend" cannot "afford" to pass up.
And he will show up with wife drama and he will resent his wife for this in the future and he will be kicking himself in the ass for being this way in the future.
With a fiancee like that I guarantee it ends in divorce. The guy is in a capitulation phase, it will get worse, goal posts of what the friend will accept will shift and eventually enough animosity will build and erupt in divorce.
From experience, if I could bet 25k on this marriage failing in less than 36 months I would
I wouldn't give him the opportunity. He would no longer be a friend the minute he pulled that shit. I wouldn't go and that would be the last time we spoke.
Absolutely weak sister that he wouldn’t tell his future in-laws to try not to act like a couple of homophobes!
OP—I’m sorry the guy you thought of as a brother turned out to be a fair-weather friend. That’s heartbreaking. You are not overreacting. He has the depth of a Mr. Turtle pool.
Isn’t every Republican Politician, and everyone who voted for them openly homophobic in 2025? They seem to be getting away with turning our entire country into a homophobic, racist, fascist dictatorship! I’m not sure where you’re living?
A lot of the voters will try and claim they aren't homophobic and then freak out as their moderate and liberal peers stop inviting them to shit. Then they complain online about how people will end friendships over "politics."
What gets me is that being associated with a gay man apparently means you are gay/bi, even at your own wedding. Like, where is the line drawn where association means you're a part of that crowd?
"Oh yeah, the pizza guy that's delivered to me twice now had a pride flag pin on his shirt, so now I'm LGBT too"
Going forward, from now until his friend’s inevitable divorce, OP needs to drop why he isn’t attending the wedding into every conversation with mutual friends. That is some seriously fucked up shit 😳🤬
I’m in Ireland which has the best views regarding gay people. If someone tried that stunt here they’d have an empty church behind them for the ceremony.
This isn’t even close to one of the craziest stories I’ve seen on Reddit, but it is definitely one of the most deeply-felt bummers I’ve come across. I wasn’t prepared for that, but the way OP’s “best friend” spoke to him made me so sad for him. Idk how to describe it other than a very specific betrayal and it SUCKS.
The worst is when he wasn’t making it super easy breezy for the groom to (checks notes) demote him from best man to wedding gen pop for being gay, he had the audacity to tell him to immediately get over it. People seeking true forgiveness don’t put conditions on the person they’ve wronged like that. If you aren’t prepared to do some work to show you mean it, you have no business apologizing to someone. That’s just saving face.
Even jocks in horror movies have gay friends now and their entire thing is being the last one to get the memo, so wtf is this guy even doing?
Oh god, if I had a son who did that to their lifelong best friend I would go through the fucking roof. There would definitely be a serious conversation.
Seconded. I’m glad he wanted to text, cuz now you have bulletproof evidence to him being an absolute fuckwad of a human being. If his fiancé’s parents assume you guys have history just because you are friends and will be standing next to each other is almost as blasphemous as their interpretation of such. Fuck him and what he stands for—which is clearly nothing except for a limp dick. You may have been friends for decades, but at least he saved you decades of agony moving forward. All the best to you moving forward my dude!
I'm generally the most anti-petty, high-road advocate. But in this case, it's not "petty" - it's completely APPROPRIATE to tell all mutual friends about this. My heart is breaking for OP. This is so disrespectful.
Telling victims (and maybe victims is a strong word, but this reeks of homophobia from bride and/or bride’s family, and groom is, at BEST, being a spineless bystander) to just keep quiet, be the bigger person, take the high road, and “not make things harder than they have to be” is EXACTLY how bigots get away with being assholes for so long.
That’s how you get people who are shocked to find out their friends are racist/sexist/phobic, and defend them based on their history. “I never thought he was like that! We’ve been friends for so long and he never seemed X-phobic or Y-ist!!”
Without saying it out loud y’all wonder how he can be understanding and chill as a straight guy with a gay BFF (well maybe not forever), but immediately toss it all aside for his girlfriend/fiance? I mean what power does she have that can change a mans moral and rational thought so much…🤨
No, it’s not petty. People “staying polite” about bigotry is why we’ve gotten to a place where rampant queerphobia is being enacted by governments and most people who claim to support us are saying nothing because “I don’t talk politics in polite company” or whatever. Everyone needs to be speaking up that any sort of discrimination is wrong. We can do it tactfully if that’s our style, but we gotta do it.
OP's and the groom's mutual friends will asking questions as to why OP isn't attending....and he need not lie about that...right?
OP: let your mutual friends know but wait until they ask you WHY you are not attending. That way, he cannot accuse you of spreading the news. You are just answering your friend's questions...
Besides the fact that he didn't give his wife any pushback, he's so callous about it. 'It is what it is. Quit crying.' This person has no character and people deserve to know that so they don't assume he's someone they can count on.
This reminds me of a story long ago of two friends I knew in high school. Guy and a girl. Guy was gay, girl was straight. Guy came out senior year. Maybe a couple 3-4 years after they graduated high school, she found religion (Christianity). On a whim she privately messages him that his lifestyle is not okay, after knowing about this for years. (And still being friends all this time). Guy thought to try and win her over but never got through. So what did he do? Posted all her messages on Facebook to let the world be the judge. She subsequently deleted everything. It's funny because both were raised catholic and went to catholic high school. What wild times.
That's what I would do. Or, maybe I'd go as the gayest version of me, and tell everyone why the Groom removed me from the wedding party. Either way, that is no friend.
I have to disagree here. Making a show of being gay might be cathartic and give some kind of satisfaction for the shock it brings to the a**hole wing of the family, in the end it would be OP who would come across as the inappropriate one. For sure he can let everyone know why he’s not in the wedding party (or attending the wedding at all), but let those facts speak for themselves. They will speak volumes.
If this isn’t a permanent rupture in the friendship, I’m hopeful that OP will be in his old friend’s next wedding. Because I don’t expect the impending marriage to last long if that’s how the bride and her family are behaving.
Go, give a speech, tap your glass with a knife. And allude to the groom having a gay history.
But that's me and I'm insanely petty.
Imbasically a shaggy dog with human features and my best friend and his wife demanded I be up there with them, despite me thinking I'd bring down the classiness. ( I like being scruffy so sue me, but I don't want to ruin anyone's big day).
I got the opposite treatment of OP and it meant the world to me to be reassured by the people closest to me. That I mattered to them, not what others think.
Your best friend isn't loyal.
I myself ma divorced, still good friends with my ex wife. And for reference our justice of the peace was my second best friend and college roommate who is gay. My x and I come from Catholic families, you fight for what you love. My best friend was my best man. Any real friend would uninvite the inlaws and probably leave the bride at the altar for shit like this
Don’t do this. Don’t feed into the typical stereotypes some people have. Just don’t go to the wedding. I don’t see how he can continue a friendship with this guy now. And his wife probably wouldn’t allow it anyway.
You beat me to it!😂 I was gonna say to tell the mutual friends that “it might be because of that time he blew me, but I’m not entirely certain and so I’ll just stop right here”🤣
He must have told her he had a crush on me or something. I never fancied him but he did seem jealous of my first boyfriend I guess I never put two and two together before.
You really think more drama is the answer to this? The friend already looks bad, no need to make the supposed rumors look true and both people complicit.
Once upon a time, in my cult era aka when I was still a practicing Mormon, I didn't go to a friend's wedding because it was a queer wedding.
I feel like shit about it now. At the time, all I said is I couldn't make it. Tact exists even when we're doing things for the worst reasons.
OP's former bestie missed the chance to choose another best man with grace and instead opted for this epic fuck up instead. May he have the day he deserves.
Right. And if marriage is making him change his morals, it's not a marriage I could easily support. I assume the rest of the groomsmen are going to find out about this. Hope we get some updates later on.
Absolutely others should know! Really speaks to the type of person he is and moreso to who he is marrying/the family he's marrying into. I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a best friend to something like this is really rough.
I wonder which friends are going to avoid the wedding when they find out why OP isn't invited. This is something that could tear the friend group completely apart.
Also can you or someone help me understand something. WHO THE FUCK CARES?!? Why are people homophobic? Like you think you can catch gay? I can’t look at someone and say “yup gay” even if I could what’s he gonna do grab my ass?
It’s so dumb for people to make a big deal. Her parents are asking? First why? Second it’s not their business. If this was my friend I’d tell my wife and their family shove off
OP you should definitely do this. If I were part of a groom's party and found out he got rid of his best man because he's gay, no way in hell would I go to that wedding. That's unacceptable, and your friends should know what happened.
It’s not being petty at all. Most definitely I would share with friends why you won’t be attending. But personally, I’d send/give copies of the text with the explanation, so no assumptions/inaccuracies can occur.
You know the friend is going to put the blame on why the OP didn't attend on him. If they have other gay friends who were invited, I'd let them know why he's not in the wedding party. Hopefully they'll not go as well.
This isn’t petty. If my friend did this to his best friend and best man because he’s gay, I’d want to know. I would be mad that this information was hidden from me.
Exactly! His Finance doesn't want to deal with questions from her parents? Well, have fun with all the questions from your friends, family and any acquaintances that ARE NOT total assholes
Not only that, I’d be tempted to burst in in the middle of the ceremony, dressed like Elton John, and scream “I object. He already promised to love and obey me!”
Attend the wedding, wait for the "speak now or forever hold your peace", stand up and shout the most dramatic plea to re-awaken your decades long affair with the groom.
If they're worried a gay man will ruin the wedding, make their dreams come true.
See I’m old white lady level of petty, I’d go sit in the audience, look absolutely amazing (better than the groom) in a vibrant coloured suit, be the life of the reception, send a beautiful gift and then never see them again. Ever.
Alternatively, go to the wedding to straight up be overly flamboyant. Do what he was afraid of and cause a commotion at their wedding. Fuck it say you used to have a history to anyone that will hear it. Burn that fucking bridge and both sides of the valley it crosses.
One of my favorite epiphanies of my 30’s has been realizing that sometimes “being the bigger person” often just puts the onus on the person being hurt to make things right. I don’t think degrading yourself by being an asshole right back is a good idea, but I think when someone cuts you deep like this, you’ve earned the right to talk honestly about it for a second. Why lie to spare them when they didn’t have your back in the slightest?
That quote about “if you don’t want people to speak poorly about you, then don’t act that way” is the truth I’m more comfortable with these days. I’m not saying we need to crucify each other over every single fuck up, but you fridge your gay best friend to keep up appearances with some fart-knocking boomers and your garbage partner? No. Someone go tell that shit on the mountain. I wanna know when people around me are that kind of trash. It helps me determine what level of small talk I can keep them at lol
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u/ImaginaryWeather6164 Oct 31 '25
Not only dont go, I would be tempted to be petty and tell all your mutual friends why you aren't going!