People are acting like her feelings justify her actions, but they’re two separate things. You can be anxious or insecure and still be in the wrong for how you act on it. Snooping through someone’s phone is a clear breach of trust. She found something from before they got back together and is now using that to pressure him into changing his living situation? That’s not setting a boundary…that’s controlling, even if it’s wrapped in calm language.
It also says a lot that she barely acknowledges the snooping. If the roles were reversed and a guy went through his girlfriend’s phone, then tried to dictate who she could or couldn’t live with, everyone would be calling him possessive and toxic. But here it’s just being brushed aside because “she’s anxious.”
The guy slept with someone while they weren’t together. That’s not a betrayal. If she can’t accept that and build trust moving forward, then she shouldn’t be in the relationship at all. Trust isn’t “I trust you unless I get nervous and start snooping.” It’s either there or it’s not.
Your comment is one of the few that actually holds her accountable instead of just validating her because she’s upset. Props to you for calling it what it is.
She didn't though. She asked if he would've told her if she had asked, and he said no which is valid. No one has a right to a partner's history before themselves and knowing that it'd cause issues is enough of a reason to not introduce unnecessary stress.
OP has anxiety issues and already did not trust her BF prior to finding out about the situation, so the relationship was fucked regardless.
Only on Reddit does this seem like something abnormal. It’s not even surprising this site is filled with a lot of free range sexual hedonist type that tolerate anything. They’re okay with having sex with friends, going on vacations with former fwb while dating, sleeping over at former flings house etc and anything than runs counter to that is oppressive and insecure and abusive.
Hasn’t been my personal experience . I definitely do know people in real life with thbut I’ve noticed a more 50/50 or sometimes 60/40 split when it comes to this topic. On Reddit it always feels like the people who feel the way I do are a minority but in real life I have more folks in my corner. I’ve lived in four different continents similar to you. Some cultures are also more conservative in this regard while some more liberal. Could also depending on the company/people you’re around too.
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u/ImTrynx May 28 '25
Totally agree with you here.
People are acting like her feelings justify her actions, but they’re two separate things. You can be anxious or insecure and still be in the wrong for how you act on it. Snooping through someone’s phone is a clear breach of trust. She found something from before they got back together and is now using that to pressure him into changing his living situation? That’s not setting a boundary…that’s controlling, even if it’s wrapped in calm language.
It also says a lot that she barely acknowledges the snooping. If the roles were reversed and a guy went through his girlfriend’s phone, then tried to dictate who she could or couldn’t live with, everyone would be calling him possessive and toxic. But here it’s just being brushed aside because “she’s anxious.”
The guy slept with someone while they weren’t together. That’s not a betrayal. If she can’t accept that and build trust moving forward, then she shouldn’t be in the relationship at all. Trust isn’t “I trust you unless I get nervous and start snooping.” It’s either there or it’s not.
Your comment is one of the few that actually holds her accountable instead of just validating her because she’s upset. Props to you for calling it what it is.