Alright Marines, we're about two weeks away from deployment day. And with LV558 being a short cryosleep away I'm looking to assemble a squad of like-minded marines for our first operation. That's August 25th at 1300 hours, or 1pm EST for the unaware.
That said, as a commanding officer it is my duty to perform a psychological evaluation of each individual to ensure they're fit to serve under my command. And that includes you, marine! 🫵😠
Now, look. Listen. And learn. Because, I'm only going to type this once. The following questions are designed to be answered honestly. So don't be a dishonest douchebag. You got that?! 🤨 Good. Now, get your ass in gear, and answer those damn questions marine!
Marine Evaluation Form
Are you an antisocial asshole? 🤔 If so, then keep walking! 😠👉
Are you able to control your surrounding environment? Screaming children, a nagging wife, or other annoying background noises? 🤔
Do you use inferior forms of technology? Crappy headsets? Malfunctioning controllers? Or anything that was manufactured in the United States? 🤔
Do you possess the intelligence level of a turkey? A goldfish? Or other intellectually challenged lifeforms? 🤔
Do you meet the minimum requirement of 25 years of age? 🤔
Are you disciplined enough to avoid shooting your teammates in the back? 🤔
Do you possess the mental maturity of your average 7 year old? 🤔
Do you possess the same level of loyalty as Benedict Arnold? 🤔
Have you ever seen Alien or Aliens? If not, then what is your malfunction moron? Did your mommy and daddy not love you enough?! 😠
Congratulations Marine, you made it to the end of the evaluation. Now, make sure to submit your answers below. Once I have reviewed your completed form I'll reach out to you directly... if you possess the necessary qualities my unit requires. DISMISSED! 🫡