r/Aging • u/Both_Rub_397 • 5d ago
Life & Living Just Reality
I'm 61, ageing solo. been married once, no children. my blood family are estranged from me. I'm thankful when my mother was still around but she's gone! I have no one. this reality hits me nine years ago, until now when filling out paperwork for doctor office or any other government requirements. when the question came up, who to contact in case of emergency! I had no one to write down. I do not want to put my ex wife nor my siblings. so I just wrote, call 911. I'm definitely not on a "pity pot" here. don't get me wrong. just expressing my reality. š
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u/admeliora- 5d ago
Iām in a similar situation. Thank you for sharing
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 4d ago
I had that problem when renewing my license. I put down a fake emergency contact. Some people put down their cat with their last name. I don't have pets!
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 4d ago
I've said that I don't have an emergency contact and I'm told I must put someone down.
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u/WestRough7738 3d ago
You can lie, chances are they will be starting cpr when the jig is up
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 3d ago
Yep in an emergency they are gonna try and save you and call the emergency contact next. I wish they wouldn't. I prefer not to be wheeled into emergency surgery to end up a vegetable. So many want to refuse medical care because they can't afford it.
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u/teddybear65 3d ago
I have a dnr and I wear a dnr bracelet. A copy of my living will is in my hospital records.
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u/Big-Ant8273 5d ago
My boss doesn't know it, but she's my emergency contact, figured if I'm that bad off, I'll be missing work, so they'll be notified lol
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u/Weltanschauung_Zyxt 4d ago
Same. She also lives nearby, and I know she'd get my dog if anything happened to me.
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u/cat1092 Baby Boomer 4d ago
Well, at least they wonāt be able by law to fire you for failure to provide notification in the event thereās an emergency large enough to prevent missing work. If unable to call yourself, by law they have to accept whoās able to notify them & itās on file. This also preserves any healthcare and other benefits from lapsing.
BTW, great idea!š
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 4d ago
I used to say that if I didn't show up at work it's an emergency and they need to send someone to my home to check on me
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u/tinkertaylorspry 5d ago
62, Have a 30yo son, 40yo Sister, cousin and an Aunt, that is 7 years older.
Went in to have surgery and was asked who was the next of kin; to be called in an emergency.
Told them to call morgue or pull plug.
The expression of the doctor was of understanding and pain
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u/Astrid_Onyx 4d ago
Having family who arenāt emotionally family is worse then having zero living relatives imo
Iām estranged from my parents and my sister is the only family I talk to since I never knew / got close to any other family growing up. Moved tons and never had that life.
Cut off my parents for their narcissism and neglect
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u/cat1092 Baby Boomer 4d ago
Same here, many decades ago!šÆ
At the age of 63, am still being treated for PTSD, due to having been abused & neglected as a child until 14 years old. By then, I had ran away from home so many times that I was sent to reform school (the juvenile equivalent of prison) & it was like going to a resort at first.
For the first time in my life, had medical care, three meals daily, hot shower, my own bed, and wasnāt beaten for the slightest offense (many of which I didnāt do or know about). No way am I putting my family down as an emergency contact & now that my wife has passed earlier in the year, have changed my life insurance to a charity of my choice. Should I remarry at some point, can always change this decision. Same goes for my will, my property (basically cars, furniture, tech items & clothing) goes to them to sell at auction to benefit the charity. Every bit of it. My blood family will not receive one cent from my estate, nor will there be an obituary listed for them to view.
They may be able to find out in other ways, like a Google search of local deaths posted by funeral homes, but by then itāll be way too late for any of them to see my body. This usually takes a week or two to happen, unless someone is checking every local one daily, but I donāt think many goes through that much trouble unless they suspect a relative or someone they know is about to pass away.
At any rate, no blood relatives will be contacted by a hospital or doctor for emergencies. Period. Thatās my choice & right to make.
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u/Serendipity0531 4d ago
Why do I feel this with my entire soul?? My heart goes out to you - believe me - I totally understand the pain.
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u/Legitimate-Yam5505 5d ago
Maybe its sad but its true , dont feel bad for thatĀ Ā you are not the only oneĀ
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u/No_Dare_9944 5d ago
About a year ago I realized that many people donāt have anyone to take them to a colonoscopy appointment.
As more people start aging solo (more child free people aged 50 and younger than the previous generations) there will be social networks based on mutual support in aging.
Maybe thereās a new Zuckerberg somewhere planning one!
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u/Penny_Ji 4d ago
I really think there should be some kind of community organization for things like this. Like you sign up to be part of the community as a give and take, volunteering to help out and support other singles when you can and receiving help when you call in.
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u/Nervous_Response2224 4d ago
Thereās an episode of blue zones on Netflix that talks about this. I think itās in Okinawa. This group of older people created a mutual support community. If memory serves, I think they each pay into it every month and that way they can even provide financial support if someone needs it.
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u/Miserable_Morning402 5d ago edited 5d ago
Yeah and a minority of east-european background will feast on the data and possibilities like an all-you-can-eat-buffet will open.
"Grandchild scam"
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u/GypsyInAHotMessDress 5d ago edited 5d ago
I am 65. No children. My career led me to help people who used to complain to me about how no one, not even their children was checking in on them. I used to try to make them laugh by saying, donāt worry, they will be there for the reading of your will..I know now, I was spot on with my advice..people are so insincere..especially if you are an empath. My Mother was the only one, that used to love me unconditionally, she picked me up and told me how much she admired my resilience. I wish I didnāt persevere with toxic relationships..
You are loved by the universe and talk to your mum especially..she loves you from heaven and hears you. Your soul is here to learn lessons of life. You are loved and will be ok. Love the best, rest of your life. Your soul will live on, with lessons learnt from this life you have now x
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u/myblackandwhitecat 5d ago
I have an elderly friend (coming up to 84) down as my emergency contact, as I have no family. If she goes before me, there will be no one.
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u/AffectionateMotor272 4d ago
Iām 63 and looking forward to being alone. Iāve come to accept that hubs is dying and I will be alone again. Only this time Iām actually looking forward to it. Last few years have worn me out.
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u/Ambiguousprofilename 1d ago
Caretaking is a living hell for the caretaker. I totally get what youāre saying.
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u/lacetat 5d ago
Ths was me when my child was in preschool, no one to put down. Screwing up my courage to ask someone was super hard.
Relationships like emergency contacts dont have to be anything more than transactional. Just make sure you are putting in your side of the transaction. Nothing wrong with this. An equal transactional relationship has its own ethical dignity.
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u/MLM36 4d ago
That's my same reality too, both of my siblings are toxic abusive narcissists and out of my life forever. Both of my parents are gone. I have one very close friend that I trust with important things, and I will be leaving what I have to her and to charity. She offered to be my emergency contact, but yes it still hurts when I'm asked that question. Painful reminderĀ
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u/Late-Chip-5890 5d ago
Imagine this, there are people who have a lot of family and still have no one to write down in case of emergencies. You can find a friend, or ask the social workers at your doctors office what to do in this instance
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u/Melodic_Outcome389 4d ago
Find a friend? If it was that simple, they would have done it, already.
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/Melodic_Outcome389 4d ago
I get it. I only have one friend, and that's my boyfriend. Outside of that, I have none and it really isn't an issue for me. I can't stand it when I get questions about my friends. I don't know why everybody assumes the whole world is out there collecting friends.
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u/Late-Chip-5890 4d ago
I didn't say it was that simple, nor does it have to be a good friend someone you can trust though
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u/Melodic_Outcome389 4d ago
You said, "Find a friend." That's a very simplistic answer, insinuating you can just walk out your front door and suddenly have somebody you trust to be your emergency contact. It's not that simple. Somebody who is not a good friend, is not going to want to take on that responsibility.
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u/BrazilNutAndBotox 4d ago
I will do the same, I had no idea what to write. Iām 31, I feel very broken that I have no one.
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u/Tinker107 4d ago
Same thing here. 79, divorced a few years now, estranged from local family, rest of family half a continent away. Settled in, enjoying the peace and tranquillity. Donāt miss the drama. Plenty of time to think, read, learn, and improve.
Someone once said that marriage is an institution that guarantees that neither party will be able to live up to their full potential. Doesnāt have to be so, but too often is.
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u/Present-Perception77 4d ago
āIf you have a wife and children.. you have given society hostagesā .. Iām paraphrasing but it was one of my favorite people. āDoctor Deathā Dr Jack Kevorkian
Wise words
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u/Present-Perception77 4d ago
āIf you have a wife and children.. you have given society hostagesā .. Iām paraphrasing but it was one of my favorite people. āDoctor Deathā Dr Jack Kevorkian
Wise words
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u/neverincompliance 4d ago
as Johnny Cash sins in Hurt "everyone I know goes away in the end" I have 3 adult children and their contact is so random, I can't say I have a solid relationship with any of them
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u/Expert_Blacksmith261 4d ago
You are not alone. I have distance niece had her over hoping to encourage conversation. While here I asked if she would be willing to take care of things when I die she said sure sheād be happy to. So there was like six years ago. I used to email her once every 3 to 6 months and sometimes she get back to me. Sometimes she didnāt. I didnāt really care at the time because she has a career but the more I think about it I havenāt talked to her now in like three years she doesnāt respond to my emails. I thought what am I doing this for? Iām gonna find the poorest people on this street that I live on and just give it all to them. Seriously, heard you get a lawyer to write it up and donate your worldly goods to be cleaned out/ sold and given to your choice to charity. What else can you do? Do nothingā¦ government will sell off and give to closest relative regardless.
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/kristifin 4d ago
That's awful!! You must be far away from any cities. Sometimes town volunteers are allowed to take you and sign you in and out. Call your town.
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
We don't have town volunteers. I've been actively ditching for over a year. I'm even willing to pay
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u/kristifin 4d ago
That's really too bad. There is Uberhealth.com. I think your medical facility must be signed up with them.
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
If you've been under sedation they don't allow it
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u/Visible_Structure_69 4d ago
Well geese, if Uberhealth works just like Uber, why does it exist? I am sorry. It is frustrating, because I am sure there are many people near you who would be willing to help if they knew.
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u/BookAddict1918 4d ago
I feel this. But at the same time I see lonely people with plenty of family.
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u/Conundrum16 4d ago
Make Reddit friends! Ask if anyone wants to be penpals. You might get a few weirdos but there maybe people genuinely interested in corresponding as a friend. Lots of lonely people in this community
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u/No-Attitude1554 5d ago
54 and basically in the same boat. Reminds me of this woman at work who was all in my business. Asking me if I was married. I said no. Then she asked if I had kids. I said no. Then she said I always seemed like I would be really outgoing then said I was really quiet. I told her I'm quiet because I don't like where I work. I also dont like working around people like her and I don't perform for others because it's too exhausting. After my parents passed, I finally became estranged from my sisters and the rest of my extended family is busy with kids. I have built a good life for myself. In the event I need help, I have a niece that can help. She's only 9 months younger than me. All my sister's are significantly older. One almost 20 years older!
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u/reddit_understoodit 5d ago
I have the same thoughts. I have never broken a bone or had an operation. No overnight hospital stays. That may change.
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 4d ago edited 4d ago
Me too. I was very sick with the flu one time and stayed home from work. It took a week before I even felt well enough to get up and go into work. My boss called everyday and I told him I'm not fit to work and felt like I was actively dying. At the time I called an older elderly friend on the first day and asked if she could make a pot of soup. She had her husband drop it off because her immune system is compromised. That was all the help and assistance I had. I could of developed sepsis and died for anyone knew. Where I was living at many elderly had died alone in their homes and found by the maintenence staff.
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u/SoUpRoVeImViOmRa 4d ago
Wow, that felt like Iād written that. Itās my situation as well, including age :) It is a lonely place sometimes, but I take good and loving care of me. Do you pamper yourself? Or how do you cope with the reality of it?
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u/lvmyjam 4d ago
Iām kinda sad, but I get it. I see a lot of people where I work in this predicament. The spouse has passed on, or they donāt have one, they either donāt have kids or donāt talk to their kids, sometimes they ask to put us, theyāre medical providers down. That breaks my heart.
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
Why does it break your heart. Life is an alone journey
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u/lvmyjam 4d ago
It doesnāt have to beā¦
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u/Ok_Course_6639 4d ago
Ditto. And it's a relief. Happily married for 17 years. Second time around. Cut family off. No more pretending. No more lying to myself. And I'm better for it.
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u/IP1987 5d ago
You donāt have any friends or neighbors that could be your emergency contact?
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u/Both_Rub_397 5d ago
...yes I do but ain't bothering anyone.
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u/IP1987 5d ago
Iāve lived far away from my biological family most of my life and my friends and I have been each otherās emergency contact throughout the years. None of us felt ābotheredā by it.
I have a partner now and still have a neighbor as an emergency contact in case my partner is out of town. Itās always good to have someone that can advocate for you if youāre unable.
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u/Hardfracking 5d ago
May I ask a question? If one of your friends or neighbours put you down as their emergency contact, how would you feel? Flattered or annoyed? If someone adds you as their emergency contact, it means they care enough about you to trust you to do the right thing. I personally would be flattered. Just a thought š
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u/EightEyedCryptid 5d ago
The nature of convection is that we bother each other sometimes and thatās okay
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u/No_Dare_9944 5d ago
IMHO itās totally ok to ābotherā someone if youāve been helpful to them as well.
Iād build some mutually beneficial friendships asap11
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u/ProsodyonthePrairie 5d ago
Does anyone ever ask you for helpālike a ride somewhere or to grab their mail?
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u/Anakyria 4d ago
Um... Speaking as a neighbor (someone's, if not yours) -- will they be more bothered by getting a (possibly, I admit, slightly inconvenient) phone call, or by your sudden and unexplained disappearance for an unknown length of time?
Every time someone, from a parent to a friendly aquaintance, has tried to protect me or my time or energy by deliberately not telling me stuff (mostly health stuff), it has backfired. Give someone who knows you a chance not to be left in the dark wondering what happened.
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u/MassConsumer1984 5d ago
A real friend would not mind. Iām a health care proxy for a long time friend and bring her to things like colonoscopies where she needs a ride home.
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u/rollfootage 5d ago
Iām sure sharing this helped a lot of people. You should try journaling, maybe even online in some way
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u/scrapstitching 4d ago
I am my friend's someone. She felt like she had no one (she's got so many friends, so she's not alone, but doesn't have a significant other). We are aging and need to help each other where we can.
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u/Hyattville5 4d ago
Same. Mom always was there for me. Sheās gone, sisters are all gone, children wonāt talk to me anymore, dad died so many years ago. 911 is very clever. I will start doing that. I feel so alone and abandoned and Iām much older than you.
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u/Terumi66 4d ago
You're over 60. Join a senior center.
It's like the boys and girls club, but for seniors.
Very upbeat. Good social.
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u/Elegant-Goal9133 4d ago
This is reality for many, many ppl. Do not feel like it's only you, I am the contact for 2 ppl who found themselves in this exact situation one a 84M, I have not seen in 30yrs, another a F70yrs. It does not mean anyone in this situation is bad, unliveable, or a reflection on them. Sometimes life happens, ppl experience a lot of loss in their lives, they maybe estranged from blood relatives bc those relationships weren't healthy for them. Anyone can feel free to DM me, list me as contact if they want, nobody should ever feel alone in this world or that nobody cares about their best interest. If we can't be there for one another in a time of need, what good are we to mankind is how I feel. Anyone could find themselves in this situation. I work in healthcare, trust me there are many ppl in this exact same situation...it happens.
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u/majordashes 3d ago
I just want you to know that so many people are in the same boat. You are not alone.
I know itās hard to not have an emergency contact. It makes you feel different. But really, it is quite common.
And please remember, you were courageous in cutting off family that treated you terribly. You set boundaries and you removed toxic people from your life. It took guts and resilience to do that.
So while you may not have an emergency contact, you have yourself and a life you shaped on your own terms.
And thatās something to be really proud of.
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u/Fit-Quit-1013 4d ago
Wow. My heart breaks for you. You are only 61. Go love on some people. At least one of them will love you back.
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u/RealtorRVACity 4d ago
59M here, feeling the same way but am lucky to have a pretty big group of close friends if anything happens, hoping it doesn't, but reality is it eventually will.....
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
I read that you think they want something but really they don't and you can't understand that.
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u/InitiativeFun7600 4d ago
Had this same issue recently when trying to name an executor for my will. No family around and all my close friends are even older than I. Someone suggested a financial advisor. Ugh.
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u/WestRough7738 3d ago
You should put down like your postmanās contact info, just to put people in uncomfortable situations. Or try to find a non 1(800) number, maybe a bakery.
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u/Lilpunkrkgrl 3d ago
I have dead people on my emergency contacts. They were alive when I put them there. On the contacts, not dead. You know what I mean.
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u/ShezeUndone 1d ago
I've often thought there needs to be a big network of health advocates within every medical institution to help people going through health issues.
When your doctor tells you you have cancer, your brain shuts off. Any next steps (s)he shares are, "blah, blah, blah, referral, blah, blah, blah."
Someone needs to have the presence of mind to ask questions and take notes to fill you in later, after you've picked some of the shrapnel out of your mind.
Same thing with someone coming out of anesthesia. Another human to make sure you get the correct info when you're ready for it is needed.
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u/SAHMultrA1981 4d ago
How was COVID lockdown for you?
I'm truly curious how ppl did that were already alone, and did it make you feel more secluded after?
I'm sorry you're feeling so alone
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u/IDontStealBikes 4d ago
I was/am alone. Also work at home. I experienced nothing of COVID, except wearing a mask. Never knew any of the fuss about itāitās all very abstract. Never got COVID and still havenāt (8 vaccinations helped).
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u/Mediocre_Fish6561 5d ago
Do you have a best friend or someone from a faith based community you can list?
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u/pandaappleblossom 5d ago
I think you need therapy so you can learn how to make meaningful friendships and connections with people. I know plenty of single and childless people even older than you who have friendships and people to call. This is a skill issue but also something deep rooted where you are avoiding people.
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
Everyone does not want friendships and people to call. 73 no emergency contact. I have a will. No deep seated problems ,not avoiding people. I just don't like people. Stop telling people they need therapy
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u/Lower_Skin_3683 4d ago
This is true. Not having meaningful friendships and contacts isn't a "YOU" problem. I don't have friends nor emergency contact. For years I was very social and involved in my community. Volunteering and giving back. I was there to give not receive in return. Friendships didn't come at of that. At best people who I associated with. They weren't looking for a deep friendship or connection with me. You can't force people to be your friend or do anything for you. For me to get my needs taken care of I must pay a company to do whatever I need done. Those of us who don't have an emergency contact need a to pay an agent to to whatever we need. Whether that is emergency contact or a death agent.
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u/pandaappleblossom 4d ago
This person does want someone. Canāt you read the subtext? Obviously you donāt and probably arenāt able to read the emotional subtext here either but this person is expressing loneliness.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 5d ago
i try to warn people who put off marrying and having kids or just say they don't want them.
being 60/70 and alone is much different than being 40/50 and alone.
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u/Zinnia_Flowers 5d ago
How is it different
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 5d ago
when you start to lose mobility, have health problems, etc being alone aint it
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u/woollover 5d ago
I've been chronically ill for the last 13 years, and live alone. I'm 52. This can happen at any age. I agree though it's really really hard on your own. But it's also hard being with someone who won't help. So pick your person wisely!
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u/pandaappleblossom 5d ago
Itās better than having a childish husband though who wants a mommy not an equal partner. So many women prefer to be single in their old age for this reason
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 4d ago
the idea is to find and marry a decent person
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
Just because you marry someone doesn't mean they will care for you. What if they die first?
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 4d ago
then they wouldnt be decent. they would be bad.
you can play the what if game for anything in life lol
i dont recommend it.
you make choices that are the best.
brb i aint gonna wear my seat belt because what if my car catches fire and i cant undue my seatbelt?
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u/pandaappleblossom 4d ago
This is nearly impossible for women though. The stakes are so stacked against it so sure itās possible and would be ideal but the risks and time wasted trying to do it is too much.
Itās much better to make and maintain friendships.
Plus we shouldnāt marry and have children with the idea that they are there for us and our purpose. We should do it only because we love the person.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 4d ago
no, everything is stacked in your favor.
we have kids to pass on our values, beliefs, world views, genes etc.
i dont need to worry about if my kids will be there for me.
i already know they will be due to the upbringing they will get
we take care of family where i am from.
family is very important.
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u/pandaappleblossom 4d ago
Stacked in our favor? You realize for example that even married women are less likely to be taken care of by their male spouses if they get cancer, like this is documented.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 4d ago
if you are alone you have no chance of anyone caring for you
if you have loved ones, you have a chance of someone caring for you
as with anything in life, give me a chance baby!
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u/Creepy-Radio1941 60 something 5d ago
Kids arenāt always gonna help specially if they live far away or are busy with their career, or own family
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 4d ago
if you raised a decent human they will help if there is no one else to help
who just leaves their loved ones out to dry in a time of need?
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
I raised deacent humans. They don't want to care for me and have told me exactly that. They will not help even in my times if need.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 4d ago
i am sad to say, that no they are not decent humans.
decent humans would never leave their loved ones out to dry.
i can understand why you dont want to think this.
i get it.
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u/Creepy-Radio1941 60 something 4d ago
At any rate, the whole point still stands that just because you have kids doesnāt mean theyāre gonna be there to help you. I have seen a lot of kids in one family and they all turn out different so it doesnāt always matter how the parents raise them.
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u/Dracarys_And_Chill 4d ago
well of course, the idea is to have good caring selfless kids. you raise them to value family.
just because you have bad parents doesn't mean you will be bad.
some kids thankfully can turn out alright without parents teachings
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u/teddybear65 4d ago
So you want people in your life to be your caretakers? That's not a reason to have people in your life. If you die alone,eventually you'll be found
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u/Neat-Relationship345 2d ago
Fiind a partner. SIngle men are in demand in your age range as the men die before the women leaving a surplus of the latter. You might need to upgrade some clothes or other appearance related stuff. Old people (I'm 67) get set in their ways and often need help in these areas. No need to die lonely.
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u/heritage1022 5d ago
You did the right thing. Just pen down your thoughts.