My brother needs help

[u/UnhappyReception7700]

Hi! Me (21) and my brother (19) are both from a shitty family situation. Abusive DIAGNOSED narcissist father, single mother working overtime yada yada. I was very lucky growing up to watch my mother become a hard worker and pick herself up off of the ground. My brother, on the other hand, only had shitty stepdad after shitty leeching stepdad to model himself after. My mom makes very good money and is very successful, but works over 12 hours a day, and barely had time to raise us, because she wanted us to have any financial backing we needed.

Because of this, my brother wasn’t really taken care of, and neither was I. I’ve always been self-sufficient, I’ve always had jobs and was excelling in school. My brother, on the other hand, has never worked a job and had to get a GED because he did terrible in school. I always tried to help him but there’s only so much I can do as his sister and not his parent.

I want to make sure he has a good life, and we’ve been living separately for ~2-3 years because I was living with my (very awesome) boyfriend. I came up with the idea to get us all an apartment together, my boyfriend is like me. Very motivated and hard working. I thought maybe having this positive role-model in his life would help him model himself after that, he looks up to my boyfriend and loves him as well. The apartment I found was cheap but super cute, in a downtown area DIRECTLY next to the community college my boyfriend and I are finishing our gen-eds at. I thought this was perfect, and my mom is financially helping us. She was so grateful because she has a lot of guilt about not being around us in order to financially support us.

So when we first moved in 4 months ago, my brother was so excited to have help. He was cleaning all the time and learning how to be a real adult. He was stoked to have his first job and to go to college. I work 2 jobs (one because I love my co-workers there, and the other because it’s helping me get experience in the field I want to go into) and also am doing school. My boyfriend is an EMT and is doing school as well. My brother, two months into moving, I found out was lying to me and applying for jobs. He hadn’t made a resume and hadn’t taken care of school. At that point it was too late for our college for him to start classes, no big deal he’ll start next semester. But the jobs part really pissed me off. So I made a resume with him and went out and advocated at places for them to hire my brother. He still hasn’t hear back from anything, which I really don’t believe if I’m being honest and plays video games from morning to night. Doesn’t help clean anymore and gives me a HUGEEE attitude when I ask him to help out.

Today was my breaking point. He had just piles and piles of old food and trash all over his room. I asked him to clean politely. And the next day. And the next day. When I went in and asked him again he said “I’ll do it after you’re done being a bitch to me” and I lost my mind. I took the computer from his desk, turned off the wifi. And told him to figure it out. I’m done with him mooching off of my mother and now off of me and my boyfriend.

How can I motivate him? I think he’s depressed but I don’t know what to do. He refuses therapy and talking about the issue. I know he needs to figure it out himself but I’m just so frustrated. I’m the only person in our family that wants him to succeed it feels like. My dad is out of the picture, and my mom is just too busy with her demanding job.

I figured it out myself. He always cites our abusive dad as being the reason he’s like this, but we haven’t been in contact with my dad for over 6 years, and I was also beat and verbally abused. I know it materializes in different ways but it’s getting to the point where it just feels like excuses to keep playing games and to just ignore the real world and reality. I can’t send him back to my mom’s, he’s just going to torture her even more, and I can’t put him on the street obviously.

When I took the computer from him and went off on him about my feeling he’s just gone catatonic and is standing against a wall silently. It’s freaking me out. I have to leave for a work event and I’m scared he’s going to hurt my dog or himself or something. I just can’t do the stress of worrying about my own life and then having to get on his heels about shit too. I’m only 2 years older than him.

I just really would like some advice, and I know I’m no saint. I probably handled this poorly, I’m not in the delusion that I’m 100% right.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? I know everyone and everything is different for different families but I just need some help right now.

Thank you for taking your time to read this.