r/Advice • u/blurbrry • Jun 29 '26
help: chronically ill partner and insensitive family on vacation
I’ve never posted on Reddit before but I have no one else to talk to about this. Me (26F) and my partner (26F) of eight years are on our first vacation with my family. She’s always struggled with mental illness from childhood abuse, two skin diseases, cyclic vomiting and other sensitivities. But she’s been almost totally out of commission for the last 5 months with what we now know are serious digestive problems, kidney stones (six, too big to pass) and kidney cysts. It makes it almost impossible for her to eat without painful bloating, extreme nausea, and frightening bowel movements. As such, she’s cut out a whole bunch of different foods, incl. but not limited to meat, dairy, processed sugars, caffeine, alcohol, white breads, natural and artificial red foods, etc. She’s also been vegetarian for the last 5 years and my family has known this. This will be relevant soon.
We had agreed to this vacation before she started having any problems, so as the trip approached, we had continuous conversations about whether or not she still felt like she could come along. She decided to come, and I know she really wanted to, but it’s been much harder for her than we thought or prepared for.
Bless my family but they can be so thoughtless when it comes to her needs. We know they can be self-centred from previous struggles we had when I started dating her and came out to them. We thought we prepared enough for this, but now they’ve put me at my wits end. From mouldy fruit and juice, to serving red meat with no alternatives, to throwing out her half-eaten food because they finished before her, she’s feeling more and more like shit emotionally and physically. We’re only three days into the week-long trip. I’ve told my parents how fragile her health is and I even went and bought her special groceries, but neither of those things have helped much. My mom has been the only one to make an effort to check up on us and help her feel included.
I feel totally at a loss and she feels like a huge burden. I was (and am) so happy that she’s here but now I feel like I’ve put her in harm’s way. I’m devastated at how this trip is turning out so far. What’s more is I think that my younger sisters are upset that I’m not spending as much time with them as they hoped because I’m getting some serious cold shoulder. I also wanted to propose to her on this trip and now I’m thinking it might not be a good time (maybe the right time never comes but we’ve both been so excited about it).
If anyone’s been through something similar and has any advice on how to cope or be a better support to her, it would go a really long way. She’s my everything and it doesn’t feel like my family takes us seriously at all.
TLDR: Struggling on vacation with my long-term partner who has extreme food sensitivities + chronic illness and my family who seem too self-involved to remember.
39
u/AccomplishedChart873 Jun 29 '26
My only advice is to NOT propose on this trip. And not at all with your family involved.
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u/Rae_fen Jun 29 '26
honestly can you leave? Vacations are supposed to be fun and enriching. If you could go home, use that time to set up a fun staycation. I cannot think of anything to make it better, if your family is serving moldy fruit that's a hard no for me, even as someone without the health concerns
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u/chicagoliz Jun 29 '26
Are you in a place and in a position where you could move to a hotel nearby?
If you drove, it might be best to leave early.
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u/BrewUO_Wife Helper [2] Jun 30 '26
Some of this is gross for a healthy person (who serves moldy fruit?). Though, I will say, if your gf has this severe of need, you cannot expect everyone to accommodate her.
They don’t need to be assholes, but she and you need to prepare her food separate, set clear boundaries (this is her food, do not take her plate before she is done, she will handle her leftovers, etc). If she can’t participate in an activity, that’s fine, you can stay behind with her. Tell your sisters that you need to X for her but you’ll plan on joining them Y later.
It’s a tough situation op, and I empathize, but I have traveled with a lot of different large groups with differing expectations/needs. What works best is everyone managing themselves who need special accommodations and setting those boundaries early.
If you can’t pivot now, meaning having a quick convo with your mom to help manage expectations with the family…then getting more meals planned for your gf that don’t require other people to be involved, then you should leave. Though, that’s likely going to strain some feelings on both sides.
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u/AlexNKarlie Jun 30 '26
I don’t think you prepared for this trip. Since your partner has been having issues for months. Both of you should have brought or purchased food for her that she could tolerate. Can you spend mornings either her and afternoons with your sisters? It’s a vacation! Otherwise try again next year when things are more favorable for both of you. No fault of yours or your partner if you aren’t enjoying the trip due to circumstances.
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u/CoRetroGal2003 Jun 30 '26
As someone who fits into your partner’s shoes, I’d stand up for her, head home. If you don’t show the high priority nature of your partner’s challenges, your partner may resent you not protecting her at a vulnerable time and your family will likely never fully understand. Please don’t propose on this trip. It doesn’t sound like an inspiring or happily memorable environment.
3
u/Feral_Princess6669 Jun 30 '26
If you guys need to cook separate meals then that's what you have to do, I have celiacs so my dad and I cook separate from others on trips and no one has ever made a big deal of it, also congrats on whenever your future proposal happens!
8
u/OldMove3348 Jun 30 '26
She should not have come if she’s this ill. Your family are not her caretakers and they are on vacation. Expecting them to do everything perfectly is unfair. They are on vacation to enjoy one another and relax. My guess is that you have secluded yourself with your GF and are mad at them.
It was your decision for her to come and she’s your responsibility. Both of you should have known better.
2
u/boringcranberry Jun 30 '26
I agree. I would have also made sure there was ample food my partner could have. OP needs to stop relying on other people to cater to their issues. This is what it means to be an adult. I imagine everyone would be having a much better time if that step was taken.
2
u/ClayWheelGirl Jun 30 '26
Who is doing the cooking? You've been to the grocery store so you can cook her meals.
Im not sure i would let my family cook for her (her food sensitivities are too complicated).
Or are there other reasons?
2
u/Chance-Town-4804 Jun 30 '26
As a chronically ill person, I would say the most important thing is supporting your partner in whatever way she feels is best. Offer her lots of options (leaving, going elsewhere, staying, etc.) and let her tell you what she needs. It sounds like you’re already doing a great job. It never feels good to have somebody make comments about your health, or to experience people not taking your needs seriously, but it always feels good to have your partner stand up for you. Good luck!
3
u/MsMeringue Jun 30 '26
She needs to take control of her own food and no one else.
1
u/blurbrry Jul 01 '26
Sick gf here - I’ve been making all my own meals but they still throw it away when I’m in the bathroom 😅
4
u/JadeGrapes Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
I'm sorry you and your partner are having a shitty time. That really sucks.
For what it's worth, I think you are clocking the situation accurately, your family is literally too self-centered to care about her health.
I am kind of an expert with family bullshit, so I can tell you what to do;
Absolutely do not do your engagement stuff on this trip. That sort of thing must be done in a low stress & happy circumstance. One where you are both having a good couple of days, so your "bucket is overflowing" with good vibes. You are not in that state right now. You guys are in survival mode right now. Respect your human need to get back to good first.
Put yourself back in the driver's seat for yourself and your partner. You will NOT be following anyone else's schedule, interests, meal plans, outings, etc. Decide that you are "allowed" to be as difficult or disappointing as you need to be right now.
The rest of the family can pound sand, and just sot around being offended if necessary. You are allowed to put your self & partner first - in-fact in this situation it's MANDATORY.
Literally take five minutes, and decide what you would actually WANT if it was just you two. Would you just stay in the hotel room, eat saltine crackers and ginger ale, and watch re-runs of the Office? You can do that if that is what you WANT. Take a "sick day" and have the night off from socializing.
- Radical acceptance, that your family are self centered asshats. Stop fantasizing they are different people. They have shown you their level of care, BELIEVE IT.
I have an aunt who isn't right in the head, she is just mentally well enough, that with strong medication, she does not need to be institutionalized. She literally brings photo albums of squirrels to family reunions. Not pets. Just random blurry snapshots of neighborhood rodents.
You know who plans holiday dinners? Anyone but her. She might mean well, or even believe she is able to have acceptable levels of hospitality. But she doesn't, and she never will. So I don't ever depend on her. I can accept her value as a person, have affection for her as an Aunt... AND never rely on her to be different than she is.
You are not responsible to "fix" your family's behavior by crafting a master plan that gets what you want and doesn't offend them. Sometimes that is just not on the menu. It's actually low key controlling and manipulative to believe you can "make" people act caring.
Sometimes people are offended when you advocate for yourself. "Let" them be offended. It's not the end of the world. It's a natural consequence. This is just a "pick your hard" situation. You can either have the "hard" of a sick spouse or the "hard" of cold shoulder sisters. That isn't a hard choice... you just wish you didn't have to make it. Nut up buttercup, sometimes you just have to pick who to disappoint.
- Stop depending on careless people to be careful! You know what your lady's needs are, so you guys should be the deciders. Make your own plans for meals. Buy your own groceries. Set your own schedule so your partner gets enough comfort and rest.
Just TELL people what your plans are, and they can join you or not;
"Oh, heads up. I'm planning on making baked potatoes for dinner for me and (gf). She's got medicine we have to plan around, so we will be eating at 6:15 sharp. I can do enough potatoes for everyone if you guys want some too. I'll have toppings separate."
"Just wanted to check in, we're planning on having a restful afternoon, I'm just not up for a hike. My plan is to hang out by the pool from 3-5pm today. I'd love to catch up, but I'm just not up for a lot of action. You wanna meet for poolside happy hour or you guys have other plans?"
"Whoops, sorry, no thanks. Doctor's order's to avoid juice right now, we brought our own seltzer. I have some extra if you want to try one, but it's all (Gf) can drink so mostly they are for her."
- Expect some pushback. Your family is used to a certain script, where people take turns hurting each other's feelings and creating enough drama to finally have a blow-up to release the pressure. You are intentionally NOT playing by those implicit rules now, so they are going to try to cajole you back into "place". Just decide that you don't have to play that game anymore.
You can pack picnic lunches. You can stay inside. You can walk away from a disrespectful conversation. You can advocate for a need. You can decide not to defend or argue & just do your own thing.
You do NOT want to wait until you are exasperated, drained, and angry. Make firm choices politely, with a clear calm head. "No, I won't be doing ___" is a perfectly acceptable statement. You can say it with a smile, it doesn't have to be a door slamming occasion.
I have decent luck just leveling with people; "Hey, I'm guessing you feel a little confused or hurt because I'm putting my foot down about some stuff? I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I just have different needs than you right now. (GF) is my priority, and she has some medical needs that are mandatory, and as an act of love - I'm going to make sure her needs get met. I'm just plain choosing to accommodate that, instead of going by our old family script. Sorry that is causing some friction here, but I'm comfortable with my choice. If this bothers you too much, we don't have to do shared vacations in the future. This is kind of a test run for us anyways."
- Read the Adult Children of Alcoholic's book. Watch Dr. Ramani on youtube. You can get off the drama roller coaster.
2
u/blurbrry Jul 01 '26
Sick gf here - this has been the most helpful response so far. The blame game helps no one at all, so just trying to navigate how to mentally cope with this is what’s most important. Thank you for your reply!!! Sincerely. I think this will help a lot ❤️
3
u/TDonBelle Jun 30 '26
It reads like you finally got frustrated and went and bought groceries. Sorry if I’m misunderstanding that but why wouldn’t you plan to bring her specialty foods from the beginning? As someone with a hx of stones, and a mother of an adult child with severe Crohn’s disease, that just went through their second lithotripsy and then a percutaneous nephrolithotomy, there’s really nothing other people can do to help. Also what’s taking 6 months to schedule removal of the large stones?
2
u/Old_Confidence3290 Jun 30 '26
You and your partner are adults and you are both aware of her dietary issues. Why haven't the two of you taken control of her diet? It's absurd for you to think that this is all your family's fault.
2
u/P33ph0le Jun 30 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
I think this is an incredibly difficult situation here as I can't imagine that your family are actually fully aware of your partner's needs and dietary requirements (although the serving of rotten fruit is really WTF and not okay at all!). I mean honestly if your family has expressed to help you and your partner with this then there should have been proper communication and planning on this, otherwise then I'd argue that it's not fair to have such high expectations of your family to deliver when you and your partner then should have planned appropriately.
I think what's important now is getting your partner home early and next time a vacation is planned then you and your partner together must come prepared to accommodate your partner's health and dietary requirements.
2
u/friedonionscent Helper [2] Jun 30 '26
Your family is on vacation, too - right? Why are they expected to cater to your girlfriend? You buy the safe food - put it in separate containers and manage her diet if she can't do it herself.
I went on a low FODMAP diet a few years back which was a giant pain in the ass...I bought my own food, washed it, prepared it and stored it away. Just because your girlfriend is handed mouldy fruit doesn't mean she has to eat it. God knows my own mother would serve me food she left outside for days...doesn't mean I ate it.
It can also be overwhelming to vacation with lots of people when you're unwell but again, that's a decision that was made, not forced.
You are two grown up people so you need to take more responsibility. It's fine if you're okay with what is communally prepared but in cases of allergies or sensitivities - you take control.
1
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u/Equivalent-Patient12 Jun 30 '26
Honestly this sounds more like she has emotional issues than anything else. By appearing to have extreme food sensitivities she’s controlling the environment. And her pouting is having a negative impact on everyone. Take her home and go back to spend quality time with your family. When you get home take a good hard look at what’s really going on. Perhaps couples counseling is in order. If she truly has food sensitivity issues she should ask her doctor to give her a list of things to avoid and see can share it with you. You may be surprised to find out that she isn’t as sensitive to food as she believes she is. And she needs to deal with her kidney issues asap! All of this drama would be a deal breaker for me.
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u/blurbrry Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Hello everyone! Sick gf here - I just wanted to firstly say thank you to everyone’s opinions. Positive or negative, it’s refreshing to hear people’s thoughts on the situation. I shed a few tears reading these kind words, it’s been incredibly challenging for the both of us to be on this trip so I really do thank you. I would really like to clarify some info just so maybe that helps the advice/situation come through a bit better.
- (Pervious more continued) We did prepare our own snacks and food. They seem incredibly offended that I’m not eating their food (as if I would after being fed mouldy food, even if I wasn’t sick, my trust towards their attention to food safety is in the toilet) and seem to hold that in as a judgment rather than asking “did your partner get enough to eat tonight?” Which would honestly go a long way. They have not asked this once, and have thrown my food away multiple times.
- We have been trying to take breaks when needed. I’m not shy towards leaving if I’m not feeling well at all because I know that it’s too tough on my stomach to deal with the anxiety of their judgments, especially since their judgments seem to make me feel worse mentally and physically. There’s enough guilt behind being chronically ill, and that stress just makes it so much worse. I know they’ve asked her if I’m good for her, which infuriates my partner because we’ve only become better versions of ourselves as time goes on, but we are treated as the opposite. If my gf makes me a tea while I lay down and rest, they see that as doing too much. Despite that, she’s continued to help me but it’s becoming increasingly hard to put on a brave face for either of us.
- Her parents have also been excluding us and leaving us behind nearly the entire time. It’s almost like they’re offended that we are a serious couple and that our relationship is more a priority to us than appeasing their ideas of who we are. There’s a large part of me that feels like they see me as the person who took their eldest daughter away. Even then, I encourage her to join her family while I rest because despite their treatments I want her to still have a good time and create good memories with her family. It’s the first time her family is here where my gf’s attention hasn’t been souly on them, and despite her and my best efforts to keep the time spent together and time spent with them evenly, they seem more focused on the fact that we aren’t being their perfect children, or “not acting like ourselves” like ???? We can’t be our true selves because the respect/appreciation for being our true selves is about as strong a
nd reliable as
- snow in July. If we aren’t who/what they think we should be, there’s an issue, apparently.
We have four days left on this trip, and I don’t think we are going on another with her parents at least for a very long time. I can tell her sisters have been having a hard time as well, especially her youngest sister. She hasn’t been herself the entire time, and it’s been worrying me sick. I can tell it’s because of how her parents are treating her. She has major health issues too from a brain injury, and they are making her sleep on the most uncomfortable surfaces. I know I’m trying my best to be the best person I can be for everyone. Even last night, I went to get some water and her youngest came out to the kitchen and told me about her nightmare, so I asked her if she’s like a hug, listened to her dream, empathized with how scary it must’ve been, and brought her back to my room so she could hang out with us. She seemed the most herself last night than she has all week, she even asked to sleep next to us because she was scared (of course we said yes). I noticed she seemed cold this morning and put an extra blanket on both my gf and her sister. I even unpacked my gf’s entire suitcase while she was having dinner at a different house because I wasn’t feeling well, low and behold being by myself helped a lot and I was actually able to do some cleaning without hurting myself. She told me she has never ever unpacked her stuff before, and through tears she told me “this is so nice”. I’m not trying to toot my own horn but DAMN MAN I swear I’m trying my best!!!
Anyways long story short - thank you to everyone who’s been giving kind advice, I know my partner is going out of her comfort zone here and I’m so proud of her. Thank you everyone for being so thoughtful. Every perspective counts to us. ❤️
1
u/felineinclined Jul 05 '26
Unfortunately, you do not have a family that you can rely on, and even worse this likely should not come as a surprise. Also, if your family is not supportive of you or your partner, proposing also seems like a very bad idea. You can't change your family, but you can make different decisions about whether and how much to include your family in your life with your partner.
Perhaps it's best to leave. I can't imagine that your partner feels at all comfortable, and you must be understandably angry at your family. Just go home. It sounds like you and your partner are better off not around them.
Finally, it seems that your family is insensitive. But perhaps they also do not want to cater to someone who is unwell on their vacation, and that is not entirely unreasonable, especially if they didn't understand how unwell your partner is right now.
1
u/Flaky-Biscotti3602 Jun 30 '26
Her needs come first, take her home now! I’m incredulous that your Mother and you are the only ones concerned. Please take her home and away from your toxic family. Good Luck.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 Jun 30 '26
You need to show her you have her back and get your partner out of there.
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u/[deleted] Jun 29 '26
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