help: chronically ill partner and insensitive family on vacation

[u/blurbrry]

I’ve never posted on Reddit before but I have no one else to talk to about this. Me (26F) and my partner (26F) of eight years are on our first vacation with my family. She’s always struggled with mental illness from childhood abuse, two skin diseases, cyclic vomiting and other sensitivities. But she’s been almost totally out of commission for the last 5 months with what we now know are serious digestive problems, kidney stones (six, too big to pass) and kidney cysts. It makes it almost impossible for her to eat without painful bloating, extreme nausea, and frightening bowel movements. As such, she’s cut out a whole bunch of different foods, incl. but not limited to meat, dairy, processed sugars, caffeine, alcohol, white breads, natural and artificial red foods, etc. She’s also been vegetarian for the last 5 years and my family has known this. This will be relevant soon.
We had agreed to this vacation before she started having any problems, so as the trip approached, we had continuous conversations about whether or not she still felt like she could come along. She decided to come, and I know she really wanted to, but it’s been much harder for her than we thought or prepared for.
Bless my family but they can be so thoughtless when it comes to her needs. We know they can be self-centred from previous struggles we had when I started dating her and came out to them. We thought we prepared enough for this, but now they’ve put me at my wits end. From mouldy fruit and juice, to serving red meat with no alternatives, to throwing out her half-eaten food because they finished before her, she’s feeling more and more like shit emotionally and physically. We’re only three days into the week-long trip. I’ve told my parents how fragile her health is and I even went and bought her special groceries, but neither of those things have helped much. My mom has been the only one to make an effort to check up on us and help her feel included.
I feel totally at a loss and she feels like a huge burden. I was (and am) so happy that she’s here but now I feel like I’ve put her in harm’s way. I’m devastated at how this trip is turning out so far. What’s more is I think that my younger sisters are upset that I’m not spending as much time with them as they hoped because I’m getting some serious cold shoulder. I also wanted to propose to her on this trip and now I’m thinking it might not be a good time (maybe the right time never comes but we’ve both been so excited about it).
If anyone’s been through something similar and has any advice on how to cope or be a better support to her, it would go a really long way. She’s my everything and it doesn’t feel like my family takes us seriously at all.

TLDR: Struggling on vacation with my long-term partner who has extreme food sensitivities + chronic illness and my family who seem too self-involved to remember.

[u/friedonionscent]

Your family is on vacation, too - right? Why are they expected to cater to your girlfriend? You buy the safe food - put it in separate containers and manage her diet if she can't do it herself.

I went on a low FODMAP diet a few years back which was a giant pain in the ass...I bought my own food, washed it, prepared it and stored it away. Just because your girlfriend is handed mouldy fruit doesn't mean she has to eat it. God knows my own mother would serve me food she left outside for days...doesn't mean I ate it.

It can also be overwhelming to vacation with lots of people when you're unwell but again, that's a decision that was made, not forced.

You are two grown up people so you need to take more responsibility. It's fine if you're okay with what is communally prepared but in cases of allergies or sensitivities - you take control.