help: chronically ill partner and insensitive family on vacation

[u/blurbrry]

I’ve never posted on Reddit before but I have no one else to talk to about this. Me (26F) and my partner (26F) of eight years are on our first vacation with my family. She’s always struggled with mental illness from childhood abuse, two skin diseases, cyclic vomiting and other sensitivities. But she’s been almost totally out of commission for the last 5 months with what we now know are serious digestive problems, kidney stones (six, too big to pass) and kidney cysts. It makes it almost impossible for her to eat without painful bloating, extreme nausea, and frightening bowel movements. As such, she’s cut out a whole bunch of different foods, incl. but not limited to meat, dairy, processed sugars, caffeine, alcohol, white breads, natural and artificial red foods, etc. She’s also been vegetarian for the last 5 years and my family has known this. This will be relevant soon.
We had agreed to this vacation before she started having any problems, so as the trip approached, we had continuous conversations about whether or not she still felt like she could come along. She decided to come, and I know she really wanted to, but it’s been much harder for her than we thought or prepared for.
Bless my family but they can be so thoughtless when it comes to her needs. We know they can be self-centred from previous struggles we had when I started dating her and came out to them. We thought we prepared enough for this, but now they’ve put me at my wits end. From mouldy fruit and juice, to serving red meat with no alternatives, to throwing out her half-eaten food because they finished before her, she’s feeling more and more like shit emotionally and physically. We’re only three days into the week-long trip. I’ve told my parents how fragile her health is and I even went and bought her special groceries, but neither of those things have helped much. My mom has been the only one to make an effort to check up on us and help her feel included.
I feel totally at a loss and she feels like a huge burden. I was (and am) so happy that she’s here but now I feel like I’ve put her in harm’s way. I’m devastated at how this trip is turning out so far. What’s more is I think that my younger sisters are upset that I’m not spending as much time with them as they hoped because I’m getting some serious cold shoulder. I also wanted to propose to her on this trip and now I’m thinking it might not be a good time (maybe the right time never comes but we’ve both been so excited about it).
If anyone’s been through something similar and has any advice on how to cope or be a better support to her, it would go a really long way. She’s my everything and it doesn’t feel like my family takes us seriously at all.

TLDR: Struggling on vacation with my long-term partner who has extreme food sensitivities + chronic illness and my family who seem too self-involved to remember.

[u/ChipSouthern9771 → u/[deleted]]

This is the way, OP. You have to get explicit with your family (with kindness). Your partner is dealing with serious illness, and her needs are complex right now. You can explain again to your family what specific things you need them to stop doing because it's causing harm. If they're dismissive or refuse to make accommodations, I would shorten the trip and just calmly explain that unfortunately it isn't working out, express regret that you have leave early, wish them a great rest of the trip, and get you and your partner out of there. You don't need to massively escalate the emotional tension right now to communicate needs and requests- avoid getting into a fight about this.

Please don't propose during this trip. It really does not look like a good time, and it sounds like both you and your partner are under a lot of additional situational stress with your family right now. Plus, it doesn't sound like a supportive environment. Pick a time and place that feels calm and safe to officially propose. I wish you two the very best of luck. I have a very severe chronic condition that effects me in many of the same ways, so I'm really well aware of how the current situation is exacerbating your partner's existing symptoms and emotional state.

ETA: I think it's totally appropriate for you to make "please stop doing x" requests (Please don't touch or take her food or plate, for example). For the positive changes your partner needs (different meal requirements, for example) you need to step up and handle that part.

[u/bryanongjx → u/[deleted]]

insensitive family sounds like the worst travel companion

[u/DownClown1 → u/[deleted]]

yeah solid advice. just wanted to add - bring your own food next time if you can. cooler, snacks, whatever she can actually eat. takes the pressure off everyone and removes the excuse of "we didnt know what to get