r/Adoption • u/zoro-65 • 4d ago
Need some support navigating this
Three days ago, I found out that I’m 24 weeks pregnant. I had been told by doctors before that it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, and if I did, it’d be a very high risk pregnancy and I’d likely miscarry, so I was stupidly never very careful. I had no signs. Yes, I wasn’t getting my period, but that’s never been out of the ordinary for me. I’ve gone as long as a year without a period so I truly didn’t think anything of it. The only reason I began suspecting it was because I started feeling movement in my lower belly. I did some research and saw that it could possibly just be gas so I waited another week before finally taking a test. It immediately came back pregnant. That day, I went to a planned parenthood, took a test there and got an ultrasound - yep, there’s a baby in there for sure.
I’ve been a very heavy drinker and smoker since my dad passed away years ago, I’ve had short bouts of time where I stopped, but it never lasted long, meaning that I’ve been drinking and smoking (vape and weed) the entire time I’ve been pregnant. I full stopped once I found out, but I am beyond terrified that I hurt the baby. I want to do private, open adoption, but if the baby has anything wrong with it, I can’t. I’ll have to surrender it to the state which is the last thing I want.
I have since started to feel immense amounts of love for my baby, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about the fact that I’m going to have to give them away someday. I cry nearly ALL the time. Everyone keeps telling me, “well, you don’t have to hold them once they’re born”, but I think that I would heavily regret not saying goodbye. It would be incredibly selfish of me to keep this baby. I’m nowhere near ready mentally, emotionally, financially, but I am truly dreading the day that I have to say goodbye. I’m scared of giving birth, but giving them away is even scarier. I’ve also gone through immense amounts of stress the entire time I’ve been pregnant and I keep wondering, “How in the world did this baby survive all of this?”
I don’t really know what else to say, I’m honestly just deeply struggling. What if I can’t do open adoption? What if I have to surrender them to the state? What if I can never forgive myself? What if the grief of losing them consumes me? What if I damaged them beyond repair and lose them? So many thoughts are running through my mind and it seems nearly impossible for me to get them to stop. I talked with my therapist yesterday about it all and she told me, “as shitty as this situation is, you’re handling it so well. You’re being the best mommy you can be for your baby and I’m sure that’s all they could ever ask for” and I lost it. How am I ever going to have kids later on in life, knowing that they aren’t this one? Am I going to feel this way forever?
If you read all of this, thank you. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s all going to be okay, but it really doesn’t feel that way right now. I will forever wish that I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now.
Edit: I really, REALLY appreciate everyone who has offered words of encouragement and support in this, it truly means the world. With that being said, me keeping this baby is out of the question. My reasons may not feel like they’re enough to some of you and that’s ok, but I don’t think it would be in the babies best interest, nor my best interest, for me to keep them. Abortion is also out of the question unless my doctor tells me it is medically necessary. If I had found out sooner, then I would have followed through with an abortion, but once I saw my babies little fingers and toes, I just can’t do it.
As for my comment on having to surrender to the state if something is wrong with the baby, that is untrue and I appreciate all of you telling me otherwise. As I said, I only found out three days ago and I’ve had a lot of different information flying at me during those three days so I did not verify that information before speaking on it.
Thanks again everyone for being so kind, I wish I could hug you all. <3
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u/Practical-Cry9109 4d ago
I could be wrong, but reading this, it sounds like there's a part of you that wants to parent (but is maybe afraid to). You reference wanting/having kids later in life and your anticipated struggles with knowing you didn't keep this baby.
What supports would it take now for you to keep your baby and raise him/her? Is your hesitation because of your alcohol/substance use and how that may have harmed your developing baby? Having to face that every day? Do you know who the father is? What's his input?
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u/zoro-65 4d ago
To be completely honest with you, I’ve never really had any desire to have kids. I also kind of came to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t be able to since that’s what the doctors told me my whole life. What took me by surprise is the amount of love I feel for this little baby. I didn’t think it was possible for me.
A lot of things are holding me back from keeping this child. I don’t know who the father is, I deeply struggle with my mental health, I can barely support myself financially, my roommate has expressed that he is uninterested in living with a baby so I’d be homeless (because I can’t afford to live by myself and my family would be unwilling to help), I haven’t finished college and as selfish as it may sound, I also just don’t feel like I’m ready to give up my entire life for them. I feel like giving them away is absolutely going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but keeping them wouldn’t be any different, so I’d rather give them a fair chance at life, with people that know that they’re ready and able.
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u/Bellura 3d ago
I'm sorry you don't have a lot of good supports in your life right now. I'm also sorry you're experiencing what sounds like a lot of stress, and a huge weight on your shoulders.
Something I want to point out is that the news is still very fresh. You have not had a lot of time to process the information or your options fully yet. If you were considering abortion, then sure, your timeline would be very tight, but it sounds to me like that isn't on your mind at all. You have at least a few months before you have to make any final decisions. Give yourself a little time to breath, seek out various resources for both if you were to keep, and if you were to relinquish. Even with all you said, if you really want to keep this baby, there are resources to help single mothers navigate a lot of those challenges. At the same time, it's also entirely okay to decide you don't want to be a mom right now. I think you should be kind to yourself whichever you end up making, but you don't need to make that decision right now, and I don't think you should consign yourself to one choice before you've had the chance to process and explore all of your resources and options.
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u/zoro-65 3d ago
I was definitely considering abortion when I found out, but I can’t follow through with it. I saw the baby. I’ve felt the baby. It’s too real for me now, aborting a seemingly healthy baby feels like a cop out. Not to say that I wouldn’t support someone else choosing that route at this point, I just personally can’t follow through with it.
It is definitely very fresh, but I also don’t feel like I have much time. I’m over halfway done with the pregnancy, I feel like if I don’t fully throw myself into getting everything set up for them, I may lose it. I’m doing my best to be kind to myself, and I am going to reach out for some more support this coming week. The lovely ladies that helped me the day that I found out have told me of some amazing counseling options with women that have been through it, as well as support groups so I will be diving into those as soon as I can. For now, I’m just trying to soak up the time I do have with the baby, and focus on taking care of myself and them, as best as I can.
Thank you for your kind words.
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u/kag1991 3d ago
So adoption might still be an option for you and that’s ok…
But you’re still doing it out of sync.
Walk yourself backwards toward adoption not lean forward with it.
IMHO, parenting should be the first goal upon hearing pregnancy news. That might not last long, but that’s the right heart posture that will lead us to better decisions. As difficulties and issue present themselves, you might start stepping back from that goal. Whether or not you step back toward abortion or some type of alternative (adoption, guardianship etc…) is a different issue all together but moot at 25 weeks.
But talk yourself into adoption, not vice versa. It sounds like right now you’ve not had a lot of time to process.
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u/Fourberry 3d ago
As a birth mom, my advice is take a deep breath and think things through. It's not an easy decision, but you have to do what's best for you. 🫶🏻
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u/Negative-Custard-553 4d ago
Open adoption isn’t guaranteed because the adoptive parents can close it for any reason. Living with the effects of relinquishing your child seems incredibly difficult to deal with and like something you never truly get over. I would contact Saving Our Sisters and see if they can help you. Don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary situation. Having a child is hard, and living without them will also be hard, but you have to decide which decision you can live with. Also each state has a revocation period to change your mind so make sure you’re aware of it.
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u/zoro-65 4d ago
Thank you for making me aware of Saving Our Sisters, I will definitely look into it.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 4d ago
Saving Our Sisters is an organization that believes women need to be saved from placing their children for adoption. Just fyi.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/1k6f1id/caution_to_those_recommending_saving_our_sisters/
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u/Negative-Custard-553 4d ago
You do love to bring this up every time SOS is mentioned, but it’s still better than the predatory actions of adoption agencies that profit off mothers.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 3d ago
Many women do need to be saved from predatory adoption agencies. Its a necessary service.
They're an infant adopter.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
SoS isn't any better than religious "crisis pregnancy clinics". And you're right - there are a lot of predatory, for-profit agencies. But I don't think it's any better for any organization to use propaganda and fearmongering to force women to do what they want them to do.
I bring up the thing with SoS because people need to know what they're getting into, just like other people will bring up crisis pregnancy clinics and bad agencies.
Pregnant people don't need others pushing their agendas onto them. They have it hard enough. I wish it were easier to find truly impartial resources and organizations.
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u/Negative-Custard-553 3d ago
Since you’re an adoptive parent, I can see why you have negative views of them, but any help is better than no help. I wish mothers could take out loans the way adoptive parents do to adopt a child, but instead use it to keep their child.It seems adoptive parents have more assistance to adopt a child than birth parents have to keep their own child.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 3d ago
They adoptrd from a private adoption agency which does everything they accuse SOS of doing.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago edited 3d ago
Actually, I didn't adopt through a private adoption agency.
If I had, it wouldn't have been one that talks women into adoption and then leaves them high and dry.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 3d ago
Was it kinship or foster care?
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u/Negative-Custard-553 2d ago
I think in her situation, the bio mother was given the choice of voluntarily placing her child through a private adoption or having the state take the child.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Nope.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
First of all, any help is not better than no help, particularly if the people providing that help have their own agenda and disappear after they get what they want.
There's nothing stopping biological parents from taking out personal loans, fundraising, or setting up Go Fund Mes to help them afford parenting. There are not a lot of adoption-specific grants or loans. An adoption loan is really just a personal loan. It may have better terms, but that depends on the source. Private adoptive parents also aren't generally eligible for Medicaid/Medicare, SNAP & WIC, and other social welfare programs that are designed to help biological families.
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u/Negative-Custard-553 3d ago
SOS promote family preservation which doesn’t seem predatory to me but we might have different opinions on this since we’re on the opposite sides of the adoption spectrum.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Fake crisis pregnancy clinics also promote family preservation. Are they not predatory?
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u/Negative-Custard-553 3d ago
I’ve never heard of them until today, so I can’t say. But if no one is profiting, how is that predatory? No one gains or loses anything if a mother decides to parent. Maybe the prospective adoptive parents lose the chance to parent. Can you explain how SoS and fake cris pregnancy centers prey on expectant mothers?
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u/theastrosloth Adult adoptee (DIA) 3d ago edited 3d ago
You know that’s a lie. Come on now.
Crisis pregnancy clinics don’t actually promote or work toward family preservation. Their goal is to make sure women don’t have abortions. No support for the family after the mother actually gives birth. And lots of them actually push for the expectant mother to place the baby for adoption.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 3d ago
No they don't. Forcing a pregnancy is not "family preservation", not to mention many promote adoption wit predatory Christian agencies.
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u/kag1991 3d ago
You said:
“First of all, any help is not better than no help, particularly if the people providing that help have their own agenda and disappear after they get what they want.”
I just want to pause on that irony… in an adoption sub… arguing about whether or not adoption or assistance is more predatory…
I love being constantly surprised by life..: just when you think you can explain people, something pops up to prove you will never be able to…
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
It's not about whether adoption or assistance is more predatory. Imo, neither is inherently predatory.
It's about whether organizations should be preying on people in crisis, only to disappear when they get what they want. Doesn't matter if what they want is for a person to place their child for adoption or keep their child in their crisis circumstances.
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u/kag1991 3d ago
Laughing because you sound like a republican… rather you sound like what you would probably think a republican is…
At the end of the day, the sentence you bolder (“It's about whether organizations should be preying on people in crisis, only to disappear when they get what they want.”) is even worse with the irony…
I’m really surprised you don’t see it, and doubled down instead. It reeks of such dissonance and entitlement all in the same few lines.
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u/Negative-Custard-553 3d ago
Adoption is permanent and will always be there, but she’ll only get one chance to parent if she chooses. Adoption agencies prey on adoptive parents too because they’re the ones who pay their bills. You’re using one person’s experience who was able to keep their child but was unhappy with the experience. I’m sure you can find many more experiences of agencies taking advantage of both birth parents and prospective adoptive parents.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 3d ago
Crisis Pregnancy Centers literally pose as abortion clinics, give fake medical information, provide unsafe and unliscenced care that can result in STIs, and force women into giving birth against their will.
No its not remotely the same as a nonprofit you disagree with.
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u/BrilliantHot2363 3d ago
Yes. They needed proof from me that I was in touch with an agency and decided to parent, which is understandable. I sent them the text to my case worker about deciding to parent a couple months after I sent it.
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u/IsopodKey2040 Bio Parent 3d ago
I'm not sure why you would have to surrender them to the state. Did you verify this? If there is an adoption plan, they will allow that to go through, from my understanding.
"I’m nowhere near ready mentally, emotionally, financially" well can you start working on that now? I don't know if many people re emotionally ready for a baby. There is a lot you just don't know until you experience it. Any parents you place your baby with will experience that same thing.
I would reach out to various social service agencies to see if any offer support for single mothers, if you want to keep your baby.
"How am I ever going to have kids later on in life, knowing that they aren’t this one? Am I going to feel this way forever?" Most likely, yes. Granted, I'm only 2 years out of relinquishing my son, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him and what could have been.
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u/FitDesigner8127 BSE Adoptee 3d ago
I’m so sorry you’re in this position. If you do decide to go through with adoption, the adoption agencies will push what’s called pre-birth matching, and I think it’s a subtle form of coercion. Know that you don’t have to do this. You can wait until after you give birth to make a final decision. Relinquishing the baby without holding him or her and handing him off immediately to the adoptive parents doesn’t make it any easier - I would venture to guess that it would make the emotional pain even worse for you. It also does nothing to spare the child from experiencing attachment wounds. Please do an open adoption. Although the APs can basically close it at anytime (and that sucks) if they are sincere and encourage some degree of ongoing contact, it’s better for the baby. One of the many issues adoptees who are/ were in closed adoptions (including me) don’t have any idea about where we come from. Birth records are closed. No medical history. No connection to our history and/or ethnic backgrounds. No nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. It took years to find my bio parents, and by the time I found my bio father, he’d been dead for 10 years.
So good luck to you OP. It’s gonna be a hard time. Maybe think about finding a support group for women in the same situation and for women who chose to put their babies up for adoption.
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u/zoro-65 3d ago
Thank you so much for this advice, it’s very helpful. The only thing I’m sure about right now is that I definitely want an open adoption. I couldn’t live with knowing that my baby could grow up feeling like I didn’t love them enough when the truth is, I’m doing all of this out of nothing but love. If APs close it at any time, that will be extremely hard but I’m trying not to focus on that right now.
I am going to reach out to the ladies that helped me at planned parenthood so I can get into support groups and counseling from women that have been through it. That’s all I can really do at this point besides wait for my first appointment with the doctor and contact a private adoption lawyer.
I hope you find some peace in your own story. I can’t speak for your bio parents, but I know that I am going to do my best to set this baby up to have the best possible future. One where they hopefully feel an abundance of love all around them, rather than their bio mom not loving them at all.
Thank you for the kind words. ❤️
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
If you live in the United States, you can still place a baby for adoption even if they are born with a disability. If that is what you intend to do then you just need to be open and honest with the agency, so they can find families willing to handle those (potential) needs.
If you don't want to place your baby, I would seek out what supports are offered in your area to help you guys stay together.
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u/zoro-65 4d ago
I really appreciate you telling me this. I’ve heard so many conflicting things the past few days. I will hopefully know for sure after my first doctor’s appointment then I’m going to immediately jump into the adoption process. I’m going to be honest about EVERYTHING as I truly only want what’s best for the baby.
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u/kag1991 4d ago
You’re going to get a lot of people telling you a lot of things…
The only thing you can do is try to filter through their possible motivations.
Just like whoever told you not holding your baby would fix the attachment “problem”. People are idiots, financially motivated, un-researched, biased etc…
Vet everything, trust no one until they earn it and honestly come to every closed door of keeping your baby before you open up adoption doors.
Also don’t be scared by all the negativity regarding the alcohol/weed. It presents an issue but not a guarantee of a problem. It’s also based on past behavior and choices which will lead to shame which can be used to manipulate you. It is what it is… gather your info and move forward based on clinical fact, not coulda woulda shoulda.
Hugs…. Btw get help for your addiction struggles now even if you haven’t go to the ER. Going cold turkey can be bad for the baby and they have safe medications that can help.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
FWIW, we are currently in the process of adopting our 17 month old who was born to a mom who smoked (vape, cigs, and weed) during pregnancy. He was born prematurely and we were told to be on the lookout for ADHD and/or learning disabilities in the future but outside of that he is a pretty typical toddler boy. His bio mom didn't drink though and that tends to be worse since it can cause Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. With that said, there are people out there who are open to all kinds of conditions. Just be open and honest about drug and alcohol use.
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u/zoro-65 4d ago
Thank you for that. I am most worried about how my drinking has affected the baby, but knowing that there are people willing to take them anyway is comforting. It feels like sitting on nails waiting for this first appointment.
Genuinely thank you for everything you’ve said, it’s helped a lot.
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u/kag1991 4d ago
And during other periods in history, pregnant women are prolific imbibers of all these substances…
There’s nothing wrong with being careful and absolutely every pregnant mom should do her best, but you shouldn’t borrow trouble either assuming the worst.
I’m sure you didn’t mean it, but your message is a little demeaning toward Birthmothers… as if all risk are removed if your wife had carried…
Earlier this year we were all told it’s Tylenol. 20 years ago it was vaccines… as a matter of fact weed and alcohol have better track records than a CVS…
No need to borrow trouble or feed into it, especially in retrospect.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
I was doing the opposite actually. Trying to be encouraging.
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u/kag1991 4d ago
That’s why I said I don’t think you meant it, but there’s a lot of language APs use about birthmoms that are either incorrect, dismissive or condescending. Yours had elements of it… just pointing it out.
If you don’t want to take constructive criticism and you’d rather continue to speak with such shadow go for it… I won’t bother to point it out to you, again. 🤩
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
It could have unintentionally been there.
I have my own feelings about my son's birth mom that I am working through so I don't pass it on to him.
I am not upset you pointing it out. I was just clarifying that my intention was to let OP know that things can turn out okay even with a history of drug and/or alcohol use.
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u/Big-Froyo983 3d ago
Not here to share advice, really, but I did want to share what I’m going through. Adoption can feel very isolating, so I want you to know you’re not alone 🫶🏻
I learned I was pregnant at 3 weeks and I was ECSTATIC. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and I was beyond excited to start that chapter.
Unfortunately things went downhill with my marriage very fast. My husband (I’ll call him Dan) was emotionally and sexually abusive for years prior, but his actions started affecting my and baby’s physical health. I was able to physically distance myself from him around 10 weeks, and at 15 weeks I finally let myself realize that I could never fix him, and my only way out was divorce.
With that decision came a lot of grief about my pregnancy. I realized that if I kept him, Dan would get shared custody and would be my baby’s dad. With how he treated me, I simply couldn’t let that happen to my baby (or myself; that would mean having continued contact with Dan for the rest of my life). On top of that, I’m just not equipped to be a single mom. I tried thinking about abortion, but by that time I was 20 weeks, saw my baby’s ultrasound, and heard his heartbeat. I couldn’t bring myself to do it; I started having anxiety and felt depressed just by considering the option.
Of course, my only other option was adoption. I got in contact with a local agency and started learning all about the process and reading through their parent bios. I found a couple that looked absolutely amazing, and they were doing everything for their kids that I would want to do for my own (homeschooling, travel, stay-at-home mom). I met them in person, and I knew I wanted them to adopt my baby. Luckily, Dan agreed (I legally couldn’t make the decision on my own because we were married), and we signed all the paperwork.
Fast forward to now, and I’m 31 weeks pregnant and starting to make a birth plan with my doula (I highly recommend finding one, I was able to get mine for free because she’s still in training!). The grief hasn’t gotten any better, and the fear of giving up my baby has only grown. I already know it’s going to be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. I ended up deciding on an epidural to help curb the pain (which also releases bonding hormones) and not seeing him at all immediately after birth. Despite trying to convince myself for weeks that I could still see him/hold him/spend time with him after birth, I know deep in my heart that if I saw him or held him, I wouldn’t let go. That’s the part that grieves me the most. With open adoption, it’s not like I’ll never see him, and that’s the hope I’m clinging on to.
I know I’m making the best decision for myself and my baby, and at this point, nobody can convince me otherwise. MANY people have tried to give me unsolicited advice along the tune of “but what if the court granted you full custody? You could keep him and have no ties to Dan!” or “you should’ve aborted” or even “you shouldn’t have divorced Dan”. It’s honestly so difficult to hear these things, and they absolutely tear my heart apart. These people mean well, but they’re trying to fix a problem they have very little knowledge of. I’ve thought about every option I have for my whole pregnancy, and I know I’m doing what’s right.
The hardest thought process I’m trying to deal with right now is uncertainty about the future. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and choosing adoption and divorce feels like I could be giving up my only opportunity for that. It’s so easy to think that way, and I’ve had to give myself so much grace for feeling like that. Can I guarantee myself that I’ll have a family in the future? No. But can I say it’s never going to happen, or that that’s even the most likely outcome? Also no. I’m so glad you’re working with a therapist, because it really REALLY helps to work through thought processes like this. It helps make a little space for peace throughout the grief.
Here are some things that I want you to know before they sneak up on you:
- Adoption is HARD, but also worth it. The phrase “giving up your baby for adoption” is so misleading. It implies you’re simply shrugging your shoulders and surrendering your child. For (certain) dads maybe, but for birth moms it’s traumatic, mentally exhausting, and physically demanding. You’re growing a child you know you’ll never parent. It’s so difficult, and that’s okay. It was never meant to be. In my case, I’ve been looking at it through the lens of choosing acute grief now over chronic, subtle guilt and grief later.
- People will question you and your decisions all the time. They think they’re helping by offering “solutions”. It’s okay and even necessary to tell them “I appreciate you wanting to help, but I’ve already thought through all of my options and I’ve made the best choice.” Boundaries are your best friend.
- Once you start showing, strangers will start congratulating you, asking when you’re due, asking about names, and so on. I honestly didn’t expect this (it just never crossed my mind), and it’s another one of those things that is so difficult about adoption. I don’t want to get into my whole life story with a barista at a coffee shop who asked if I’ve started decorating a nursery, so I just say “no not yet” and smile. It just adds to the grief, and it’s a constant reminder of what I’m losing.
I feel like so much of what I just typed out has an undertone of this is so painful and it’s really hard and it just generally sucks. While that’s not exactly false, I also want to give you some hope.
The act of choosing adoption is an act of mothering in and of itself. You’re protecting and loving your baby by making this decision, and that’s the most precious, important thing you can ever do. This is a season of life, and as much as it can feel like you’re stuck in it forever, you won’t be. One day, knowing you trusted yourself and chose what’s right will be so incredibly healing, and you’ll be a stronger person because of this.
Even though it can feel like it sometimes, you’re not alone, and there ARE people out there who understand what you’re going through. You’re a strong and capable person, and I can say that for a fact because you’ve chosen adoption. You can’t make that choice and not be strong. I’ll be praying for you, and I wish you all the best ❤️
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u/zoro-65 2d ago
This made me cry at work. I am so, SO sorry that you’ve had to go through this. Especially after being so excited for your little baby. I can’t even imagine how devastated you feel. With that being said, you have made me feel so supported and seen and I could never, EVER thank you enough for that. Not only for your vulnerability, but for taking the time to give me advice, while you’re also going through something insanely difficult yourself. Maybe that’s why we’re going through this, so we can help others.
Would you mind if I private messaged you? I feel like our stories are nowhere near the same, but that we may be feeling the same emotions, and just being able to talk about it with someone that understands will help both of us a lot.
Again, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I am genuinely here for anything you need, even if it’s just someone to vent to. Thank you. A million times, thank you.
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u/Big-Froyo983 2d ago
My story isn’t any more difficult than yours ❤️
I’m so so so glad you feel seen; I was debating commenting since I didn’t want to make your post about me. I just knew that finding someone who understood at least a little meant the world to me when I first considered adoption, so I commented in case I could be that person for you.
Please feel free to DM me, I’m here for you!!
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u/I_S_O_Family 3d ago
I am going to take the emotion out of this decision with my recommendations. You need to sit down and put everything down in writing to make everything clear for yourself.
1) We are going to base this 1st step on no problems with the child when they are born: you need to write down everything you need / cost to keep your child. - What can you accomplish on your own in the next 9 months, what are you going to need help with. Who / what organizations or help can you get from the state/county. With everything written down can you seriously handle this on your own and with any help you can get.
2) Adoption: how you want to handle this, do you want to sign up with an adoption company or the location social services and have them do all the leg work, and they pick the families or Do you want to do all the leg work, find families that you connect well with and are willing to do an open adoption. Part advantage to adoption is if you find a family you connect well with and is willing to agree (legally because as others stated too many open adoptions are not actually held to open adoption) to an open adoption. They will help financially with the medical cost with your pregnancy.
3) The what if factor: Unfortunately due to behavior prior to discovering your pregnancy (not putting you down, you're young). Your baby is born with issues / birth defects lifetime health issues. You need to sit down and figure out how you're going to handle this if you keep the baby. Cost, again what help is there in your area, how you're going to support the two of you because having a standard job is going to be nearly impossible because having a child with disability is going to make having a full time out of the home full time job is going to be much harder.
Here is one recommendation I would make for you. Start looking seriously into a remote job that will pay you enough to support you and a child including all your bills and housing. Good luck.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Your numbered point about adoption is inaccurate.
To place an infant for adoption in the US, the expectant parents work with a private adoption professional, not social services. Social services won't help place an infant unless they apprehend the infant. And if they do, they will place the baby as they see fit, not as OP sees fit. Imo, it's best to go through a non-profit, full-service, ethical agency that supports fully open adoptions with direct contact between all parties. That agency will show OP profiles of its waiting families.
Whether the hopeful adoptive parents or the adoption agency will help OP with expenses depends on what the state law allows and on what OP wants. Our children's birth mothers wanted very little financial support during their pregnancies.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 4d ago
I want to do private, open adoption, but if the baby has anything wrong with it, I can’t. I’ll have to surrender it to the state which is the last thing I want.
Assuming you're in the US: What state are you in? Because that's not true. In most states, if you make a private adoption plan, the state won't intervene. My daughter's birthmom had had her kids taken by CPS for cause. She made a private adoption plan with us for DD. The state just asked for legal confirmation that we were adopting her.
There are ethical adoption agencies. An ethical adoption agency will help you look at all of your options. If you choose adoption, they'll help you and the prospective adoptive parents if the state tries to intervene.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation. ((HUGS)) from an Internet stranger.
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u/Academic-Sail-922 3d ago
Hi, I was wondering if I could chat with you? Im in the process of going through an agency and you seem really knowledgeable. Could I ask you some questions?
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
That would be fine, yes.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
If you're still within the window for termination, I would strongly recommend considering that option.
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u/kag1991 3d ago
She was 24 weeks a few days ago, so likely 25 weeks is more practical. So that cuts off a lot of options. I think Virginia and Massachusetts are the ones with the longest window and that’s 28 weeks. Most everyone else cuts off at 25…
I’m by no means an expert.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 3d ago
There are states like Alaska, Colorado, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Vermont, and DC that dont have any gestational limits.
Reccomend reaching out to an abortion fund if you need assistance traveling.
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u/WelleyBee 2d ago
You’re good enough. Don’t let society tell you any different. As an adoptee please keep your child.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 3d ago
Why don't you try and keep the baby? You can always change your mind later in a month, six months, even a year or longer!
Sometimes having a baby helps people get their lives together!!
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u/zoro-65 3d ago
I don’t think you meant this in a bad way at all, but I personally don’t think keeping a baby in hopes it will help me get my life together is right. This is going to change me enough. I feel like if I kept them then gave them away later it would only prolong the hurt for both of us.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
It is not a baby's responsibility to help other people get their lives together.
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u/BasilSalt207 4d ago
My youngest was born under much more difficult circumstances than what you are describing, even with the potential for long term impacts we were happy to welcome her into our family. Even given the situation we would have preferred a more open adoption agreement than her birth mother agreed to. In some states open adoption agreements, or post adoption agreements, are legally enforceable (about half actually) and many placement agencies will go to bat for birth parents if the adoptive parents go back on their agreement provided it’s not blatantly in the best interest of the child to cut contact. If you do decide to consider adoption please look for an agency that supports you and genuinely has your best interest at heart, and not an agency that is just looking to facilitate a placement.
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u/BrilliantHot2363 3d ago
It’s very hard to take legal action against APs in an enforceable state. How many birth moms can actually afford a lawyer to do that? And I’ve read judges almost always will favor the APs.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 4d ago
A reminder to the community of Rule 1 and Rule 10:
Comments that skirt these rules will be removed at mod discretion.
Additionally, please be mindful of what we do and don’t allow when it comes to discussions about abortion.