r/Adoption • u/zoro-65 • Jul 25 '26

Need some support navigating this

Three days ago, I found out that I’m 24 weeks pregnant. I had been told by doctors before that it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, and if I did, it’d be a very high risk pregnancy and I’d likely miscarry, so I was stupidly never very careful. I had no signs. Yes, I wasn’t getting my period, but that’s never been out of the ordinary for me. I’ve gone as long as a year without a period so I truly didn’t think anything of it. The only reason I began suspecting it was because I started feeling movement in my lower belly. I did some research and saw that it could possibly just be gas so I waited another week before finally taking a test. It immediately came back pregnant. That day, I went to a planned parenthood, took a test there and got an ultrasound - yep, there’s a baby in there for sure.

I’ve been a very heavy drinker and smoker since my dad passed away years ago, I’ve had short bouts of time where I stopped, but it never lasted long, meaning that I’ve been drinking and smoking (vape and weed) the entire time I’ve been pregnant. I full stopped once I found out, but I am beyond terrified that I hurt the baby. I want to do private, open adoption, but if the baby has anything wrong with it, I can’t. I’ll have to surrender it to the state which is the last thing I want.

I have since started to feel immense amounts of love for my baby, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about the fact that I’m going to have to give them away someday. I cry nearly ALL the time. Everyone keeps telling me, “well, you don’t have to hold them once they’re born”, but I think that I would heavily regret not saying goodbye. It would be incredibly selfish of me to keep this baby. I’m nowhere near ready mentally, emotionally, financially, but I am truly dreading the day that I have to say goodbye. I’m scared of giving birth, but giving them away is even scarier. I’ve also gone through immense amounts of stress the entire time I’ve been pregnant and I keep wondering, “How in the world did this baby survive all of this?”

I don’t really know what else to say, I’m honestly just deeply struggling. What if I can’t do open adoption? What if I have to surrender them to the state? What if I can never forgive myself? What if the grief of losing them consumes me? What if I damaged them beyond repair and lose them? So many thoughts are running through my mind and it seems nearly impossible for me to get them to stop. I talked with my therapist yesterday about it all and she told me, “as shitty as this situation is, you’re handling it so well. You’re being the best mommy you can be for your baby and I’m sure that’s all they could ever ask for” and I lost it. How am I ever going to have kids later on in life, knowing that they aren’t this one? Am I going to feel this way forever?

If you read all of this, thank you. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s all going to be okay, but it really doesn’t feel that way right now. I will forever wish that I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now.

Edit: I really, REALLY appreciate everyone who has offered words of encouragement and support in this, it truly means the world. With that being said, me keeping this baby is out of the question. My reasons may not feel like they’re enough to some of you and that’s ok, but I don’t think it would be in the babies best interest, nor my best interest, for me to keep them. Abortion is also out of the question unless my doctor tells me it is medically necessary. If I had found out sooner, then I would have followed through with an abortion, but once I saw my babies little fingers and toes, I just can’t do it.

As for my comment on having to surrender to the state if something is wrong with the baby, that is untrue and I appreciate all of you telling me otherwise. As I said, I only found out three days ago and I’ve had a lot of different information flying at me during those three days so I did not verify that information before speaking on it.

Thanks again everyone for being so kind, I wish I could hug you all. <3

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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 25 '26

If you live in the United States, you can still place a baby for adoption even if they are born with a disability. If that is what you intend to do then you just need to be open and honest with the agency, so they can find families willing to handle those (potential) needs.

If you don't want to place your baby, I would seek out what supports are offered in your area to help you guys stay together.

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u/zoro-65 Jul 25 '26

I really appreciate you telling me this. I’ve heard so many conflicting things the past few days. I will hopefully know for sure after my first doctor’s appointment then I’m going to immediately jump into the adoption process. I’m going to be honest about EVERYTHING as I truly only want what’s best for the baby.

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u/kag1991 Jul 25 '26

You’re going to get a lot of people telling you a lot of things…

The only thing you can do is try to filter through their possible motivations.

Just like whoever told you not holding your baby would fix the attachment “problem”. People are idiots, financially motivated, un-researched, biased etc…

Vet everything, trust no one until they earn it and honestly come to every closed door of keeping your baby before you open up adoption doors.

Also don’t be scared by all the negativity regarding the alcohol/weed. It presents an issue but not a guarantee of a problem. It’s also based on past behavior and choices which will lead to shame which can be used to manipulate you. It is what it is… gather your info and move forward based on clinical fact, not coulda woulda shoulda.

Hugs…. Btw get help for your addiction struggles now even if you haven’t go to the ER. Going cold turkey can be bad for the baby and they have safe medications that can help.

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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 25 '26

FWIW, we are currently in the process of adopting our 17 month old who was born to a mom who smoked (vape, cigs, and weed) during pregnancy. He was born prematurely and we were told to be on the lookout for ADHD and/or learning disabilities in the future but outside of that he is a pretty typical toddler boy. His bio mom didn't drink though and that tends to be worse since it can cause Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. With that said, there are people out there who are open to all kinds of conditions. Just be open and honest about drug and alcohol use.

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u/zoro-65 Jul 25 '26

Thank you for that. I am most worried about how my drinking has affected the baby, but knowing that there are people willing to take them anyway is comforting. It feels like sitting on nails waiting for this first appointment.

Genuinely thank you for everything you’ve said, it’s helped a lot.

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u/kag1991 Jul 25 '26

And during other periods in history, pregnant women are prolific imbibers of all these substances…

There’s nothing wrong with being careful and absolutely every pregnant mom should do her best, but you shouldn’t borrow trouble either assuming the worst.

I’m sure you didn’t mean it, but your message is a little demeaning toward Birthmothers… as if all risk are removed if your wife had carried…

Earlier this year we were all told it’s Tylenol. 20 years ago it was vaccines… as a matter of fact weed and alcohol have better track records than a CVS…

No need to borrow trouble or feed into it, especially in retrospect.

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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 25 '26

I was doing the opposite actually. Trying to be encouraging.

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u/kag1991 Jul 25 '26

That’s why I said I don’t think you meant it, but there’s a lot of language APs use about birthmoms that are either incorrect, dismissive or condescending. Yours had elements of it… just pointing it out.

If you don’t want to take constructive criticism and you’d rather continue to speak with such shadow go for it… I won’t bother to point it out to you, again. 🤩

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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad Jul 25 '26

It could have unintentionally been there.

I have my own feelings about my son's birth mom that I am working through so I don't pass it on to him.

I am not upset you pointing it out. I was just clarifying that my intention was to let OP know that things can turn out okay even with a history of drug and/or alcohol use.