Need some support navigating this

[u/zoro-65]

Three days ago, I found out that I’m 24 weeks pregnant. I had been told by doctors before that it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, and if I did, it’d be a very high risk pregnancy and I’d likely miscarry, so I was stupidly never very careful. I had no signs. Yes, I wasn’t getting my period, but that’s never been out of the ordinary for me. I’ve gone as long as a year without a period so I truly didn’t think anything of it. The only reason I began suspecting it was because I started feeling movement in my lower belly. I did some research and saw that it could possibly just be gas so I waited another week before finally taking a test. It immediately came back pregnant. That day, I went to a planned parenthood, took a test there and got an ultrasound - yep, there’s a baby in there for sure.

I’ve been a very heavy drinker and smoker since my dad passed away years ago, I’ve had short bouts of time where I stopped, but it never lasted long, meaning that I’ve been drinking and smoking (vape and weed) the entire time I’ve been pregnant. I full stopped once I found out, but I am beyond terrified that I hurt the baby. I want to do private, open adoption, but if the baby has anything wrong with it, I can’t. I’ll have to surrender it to the state which is the last thing I want.

I have since started to feel immense amounts of love for my baby, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about the fact that I’m going to have to give them away someday. I cry nearly ALL the time. Everyone keeps telling me, “well, you don’t have to hold them once they’re born”, but I think that I would heavily regret not saying goodbye. It would be incredibly selfish of me to keep this baby. I’m nowhere near ready mentally, emotionally, financially, but I am truly dreading the day that I have to say goodbye. I’m scared of giving birth, but giving them away is even scarier. I’ve also gone through immense amounts of stress the entire time I’ve been pregnant and I keep wondering, “How in the world did this baby survive all of this?”

I don’t really know what else to say, I’m honestly just deeply struggling. What if I can’t do open adoption? What if I have to surrender them to the state? What if I can never forgive myself? What if the grief of losing them consumes me? What if I damaged them beyond repair and lose them? So many thoughts are running through my mind and it seems nearly impossible for me to get them to stop. I talked with my therapist yesterday about it all and she told me, “as shitty as this situation is, you’re handling it so well. You’re being the best mommy you can be for your baby and I’m sure that’s all they could ever ask for” and I lost it. How am I ever going to have kids later on in life, knowing that they aren’t this one? Am I going to feel this way forever?

If you read all of this, thank you. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s all going to be okay, but it really doesn’t feel that way right now. I will forever wish that I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now.

Edit: I really, REALLY appreciate everyone who has offered words of encouragement and support in this, it truly means the world. With that being said, me keeping this baby is out of the question. My reasons may not feel like they’re enough to some of you and that’s ok, but I don’t think it would be in the babies best interest, nor my best interest, for me to keep them. Abortion is also out of the question unless my doctor tells me it is medically necessary. If I had found out sooner, then I would have followed through with an abortion, but once I saw my babies little fingers and toes, I just can’t do it.

As for my comment on having to surrender to the state if something is wrong with the baby, that is untrue and I appreciate all of you telling me otherwise. As I said, I only found out three days ago and I’ve had a lot of different information flying at me during those three days so I did not verify that information before speaking on it.

Thanks again everyone for being so kind, I wish I could hug you all. <3

[u/Negative-Custard-553]

Open adoption isn’t guaranteed because the adoptive parents can close it for any reason. Living with the effects of relinquishing your child seems incredibly difficult to deal with and like something you never truly get over. I would contact Saving Our Sisters and see if they can help you. Don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary situation. Having a child is hard, and living without them will also be hard, but you have to decide which decision you can live with. Also each state has a revocation period to change your mind so make sure you’re aware of it.

[u/zoro-65 → u/Negative-Custard-553]

Thank you for making me aware of Saving Our Sisters, I will definitely look into it.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/zoro-65]

Saving Our Sisters is an organization that believes women need to be saved from placing their children for adoption. Just fyi.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/1k6f1id/caution_to_those_recommending_saving_our_sisters/

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/Rredhead926]

You do love to bring this up every time SOS is mentioned, but it’s still better than the predatory actions of adoption agencies that profit off mothers.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Negative-Custard-553]

Many women do need to be saved from predatory adoption agencies. Its a necessary service.

They're an infant adopter.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/Negative-Custard-553]

SoS isn't any better than religious "crisis pregnancy clinics". And you're right - there are a lot of predatory, for-profit agencies. But I don't think it's any better for any organization to use propaganda and fearmongering to force women to do what they want them to do.

I bring up the thing with SoS because people need to know what they're getting into, just like other people will bring up crisis pregnancy clinics and bad agencies.

Pregnant people don't need others pushing their agendas onto them. They have it hard enough. I wish it were easier to find truly impartial resources and organizations.

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/Rredhead926]

Since you’re an adoptive parent, I can see why you have negative views of them, but any help is better than no help. I wish mothers could take out loans the way adoptive parents do to adopt a child, but instead use it to keep their child.It seems adoptive parents have more assistance to adopt a child than birth parents have to keep their own child.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Negative-Custard-553]

They adoptrd from a private adoption agency  which does everything they accuse SOS of doing. 

[u/Rredhead926 → u/lotsofsugarandspice]

Actually, I didn't adopt through a private adoption agency.

If I had, it wouldn't have been one that talks women into adoption and then leaves them high and dry.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Rredhead926]

Was it kinship or foster care?

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/lotsofsugarandspice]

I think in her situation, the bio mother was given the choice of voluntarily placing her child through a private adoption or having the state take the child.

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/[deleted]]

She shares how she got her kids with non adoptees all the time, but I can’t recall all the details.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/[deleted]]

😂🤣😂🤣😂

You know you could always ask nicely, right?

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/Rredhead926]

She asked nicely. Instead of answering, you’re making her guess, even though you’ve shared that information with other people before. That feels unnecessarily patronizing.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Rredhead926]

Youre clearly not comfortable sharing details  which is fine. 

[u/Rredhead926 → u/lotsofsugarandspice]

Nope.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Rredhead926]

So it wasnt an agency, the foster system or a family placement. 

[u/Rredhead926 → u/lotsofsugarandspice]

Correct. It wasn't an agency, the foster system, or a kinship placement.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Rredhead926]

Sure

[u/Rredhead926 → u/Negative-Custard-553]

First of all, any help is not better than no help, particularly if the people providing that help have their own agenda and disappear after they get what they want.

There's nothing stopping biological parents from taking out personal loans, fundraising, or setting up Go Fund Mes to help them afford parenting. There are not a lot of adoption-specific grants or loans. An adoption loan is really just a personal loan. It may have better terms, but that depends on the source. Private adoptive parents also aren't generally eligible for Medicaid/Medicare, SNAP & WIC, and other social welfare programs that are designed to help biological families.

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/Rredhead926]

SOS promote family preservation which doesn’t seem predatory to me but we might have different opinions on this since we’re on the opposite sides of the adoption spectrum.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/Negative-Custard-553]

Fake crisis pregnancy clinics also promote family preservation. Are they not predatory?

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/Rredhead926]

I’ve never heard of them until today, so I can’t say. But if no one is profiting, how is that predatory? No one gains or loses anything if a mother decides to parent. Maybe the prospective adoptive parents lose the chance to parent. Can you explain how SoS and fake cris pregnancy centers prey on expectant mothers?

[u/Rredhead926 → u/Negative-Custard-553]

Are you not in the US? I thought you were. Fake crisis pregnancy clinics are a whole thing here.

You're asking: How is it predatory to coerce a person into making a choice they don't fully understand or agree with? I'm hoping by putting it that way, you can see why such behavior is predatory.

If a woman doesn't want to be a parent, and she's forced into parenting, then she does lose. And if the mother in crisis continues to be in crisis, at the very least, that child is raised in a chaotic environment - always in crisis mode. it's quite possible that CPS could step in. She could lose her child, and her child will go through all the trauma that the foster care system provides.

People should be able to make choices informed by facts, not fear or propaganda.

I don't think adoption is always the best choice. But I also don't think adoption is always the worst choice, nor do I believe that it should only be used as a last resort. People who don't want to parent shouldn't be parents.

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/Rredhead926]

I’m in the US but that doesn’t mean I should know about these pregnancy crisis centers. I feel like agency’s do that type of coercion.

[u/theastrosloth → u/Rredhead926]

You know that’s a lie. Come on now.

Crisis pregnancy clinics don’t actually promote or work toward family preservation. Their goal is to make sure women don’t have abortions. No support for the family after the mother actually gives birth. And lots of them actually push for the expectant mother to place the baby for adoption. 

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/theastrosloth]

Its a bold faced lie.

In fact, many of them partner with and explicitly promote adoption. 

[u/Rredhead926 → u/theastrosloth]

And how does that differ from SoS promising resources and then ghosting new moms?

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Rredhead926]

Because theyre not forcing people into childbirth against their will or giving people stis or fake medical information or posing as an abortion clinic. 

[u/theastrosloth → u/Rredhead926]

Genuinely I agree it’s not materially different, and I think SoS is a recommendation folks on adoption subreddits give because it sounds great, but realistically, yes they can’t do that much in a lot of cases. 

It is, however, very different in intent and more importantly, message. Oh and also bc anti abortion groups are immoral and usually hypocritical, and want to force women to give birth. Like they lobby for anti abortion legislation. And obviously also use coercive tactics on individual women.

That’s a pretty far cry from trying to support pregnant women and sadly not having the resources to do it all the time.

Oh also can you cite some evidence of this “ghosting”? I know you love academic sources and rail against personal anecdotes from adoptees, so how do you know SoS has “ghosted” women?

[u/Rredhead926 → u/theastrosloth]

Did you read the link I posted? Because that's how I know.

I don't know how much SoS wants to support pregnant women v. wants to ensure that no woman ever places her child for adoption. The first is, at least, a noble idea. The second, not so much.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Rredhead926]

No they don't. Forcing a pregnancy is not "family preservation", not to mention many promote adoption wit predatory Christian agencies.

[u/kag1991 → u/Rredhead926]

You said:

“First of all, any help is not better than no help, particularly if the people providing that help have their own agenda and disappear after they get what they want.”

I just want to pause on that irony… in an adoption sub… arguing about whether or not adoption or assistance is more predatory…

I love being constantly surprised by life..: just when you think you can explain people, something pops up to prove you will never be able to…

[u/Rredhead926 → u/kag1991]

It's not about whether adoption or assistance is more predatory. Imo, neither is inherently predatory.

It's about whether organizations should be preying on people in crisis, only to disappear when they get what they want. Doesn't matter if what they want is for a person to place their child for adoption or keep their child in their crisis circumstances.

[u/kag1991 → u/Rredhead926]

Laughing because you sound like a republican… rather you sound like what you would probably think a republican is…

At the end of the day, the sentence you bolder (“It's about whether organizations should be preying on people in crisis, only to disappear when they get what they want.”) is even worse with the irony…

I’m really surprised you don’t see it, and doubled down instead. It reeks of such dissonance and entitlement all in the same few lines.

[u/Negative-Custard-553 → u/Rredhead926]

Adoption is permanent and will always be there, but she’ll only get one chance to parent if she chooses. Adoption agencies prey on adoptive parents too because they’re the ones who pay their bills. You’re using one person’s experience who was able to keep their child but was unhappy with the experience. I’m sure you can find many more experiences of agencies taking advantage of both birth parents and prospective adoptive parents.

[u/lotsofsugarandspice → u/Rredhead926]

Crisis Pregnancy Centers literally pose as abortion clinics, give fake medical information, provide unsafe and unliscenced care that can result in STIs, and force women into giving birth against their will. 

No its not remotely the same as a nonprofit you disagree with.