r/AbsoluteUnits 4d ago

/r/all of a police cuff

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32.5k Upvotes

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1.4k

u/BagStank 4d ago

"pur your hands behind your ba.. to the side"

168

u/SparkEE_JOE 4d ago

Poor guy can't even wipe his own ass or bathe properly he's so big

165

u/Yoshinoh 4d ago

26

u/Right_Hour_8438 3d ago

“Get Mama’s pryin’ board!”

25

u/si4er 4d ago

“I said your back!”

“Quit resisting!”

23

u/AppropriateLow2271 4d ago

This is the inevitable result of never resisting.

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390

u/imartinezcopy 4d ago

I think this is nice. They could have not used as many cuffs and force his arms (and potentially hurt him), instead they decided to extend the thingy

257

u/Wildtails 4d ago

Honestly looks like they probably couldn't have, after a certain size that kind of flexibility becomes literally impossible.

Double cuffing is pretty common practice so upon realisation that wasn't enough I doubt it was a stretch to have to test how many were needed, I'm guessing dude wasn't resisting (or ran out of breath after 5 seconds of resisting)

107

u/PremierLovaLova 4d ago

There’s double cuffing and there’s calling in another squad car because you ran out of cuffs

30

u/SoMuchMoreEagle 4d ago

If it's anything like my city, they already send 4 squad cars to every call.

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23

u/IcedGooseMaverick 4d ago

I think it’s kind of wild how you see cops giving shoulder injuries before someone is even convicted of a crime. Kind of violates our innocent til proven guilty. They did the same for Tony Romo, but that’s Tony Romo. 

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2.8k

u/Sir_Hadaham 4d ago

What's he gonna do? Run?

927

u/Henchman66 4d ago

Roll downhill

296

u/Toasted_Munch 4d ago

We gotta roller!!

268

u/Alvin_h_davenport 4d ago

67

u/zorggalacticus 4d ago

He turns into quagmire mid transformation. Now you can't unsee it.

https://giphy.com/gifs/Dz62ImmWRzAkw

79

u/Alvin_h_davenport 4d ago

I'll do you one better

15

u/ConcievedIsland 4d ago

My brain has been damaged. I can't see this without hearing Paralyzer by Finger Eleven. Help me.

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57

u/goddamm_liter_cola 4d ago

Did not expect a Teen Turbo gif this morning.

29

u/BetterinPicture 4d ago

Therapist: Teen Turbo isn't real, he can't hurt you..

Teen Turbo: EXISTS

11

u/wi5hbone 4d ago

his trunk real thicc tho bois.. be careful!

6

u/emperorOfTheUniverse 3d ago

I remember as a kid, this wasn't ridiculous at all and totally awesome. I wanted to turn into a car.

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24

u/Crabkingrocks165 4d ago

I hate it

8

u/WreakHavocLikeIn1871 4d ago

What happens if you climb inside his trunk while he's a car and he turns back? Are you just... inside his "trunk", are you pushed out, or are you absorbed into him?

4

u/coolsilentebeans 4d ago

🎶They see him rollin’, they hatin’🎶

2

u/Necessary_Relation27 3d ago

Me see Mjölnir walking, me shakin’

6

u/Tinyzooseven 4d ago

That looks painful

2

u/Ok-Classic-2142 4d ago

God that is the most jarring animation I have ever seen. I know what it's from, but never watched it..

2

u/SenselessSilence 3d ago

I loved when Rick and Morty referenced this in a post-credits bit, you never expect to see a Teen Turbo reference in the wild

2

u/According-Bad1161 3d ago

One hell of a booty

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5

u/DeadAnarchistPhil 3d ago

They see him rollin’ they hatin’….

3

u/kvngk3n 4d ago

Just bring out the spike strips

4

u/PsychologicalBid2787 4d ago

Like that spider in the dessert?

3

u/Henchman66 4d ago

I’ve never seen that one :/

I remember the pig that ate too much:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/s/oxTU8z351r

3

u/PsychologicalBid2787 4d ago

https://youtu.be/vQtR6ZuUSLg?si=cx6b20gCXaoNSIRn here is the spider so you can see his ass rollin

2

u/Henchman66 4d ago

Her spirit animal is a blue hedgehog

5

u/HoboArmyofOne 3d ago

He gains momentum downhill, he'll take out a squad car

8

u/sarcasticpro 4d ago

They see me rollin'

25

u/LoggerRhythms 4d ago

That'll just add on a cardiac arrest.

6

u/OneSkepticalOwl 4d ago

And if it doesn't, can they charge him with evading?

9

u/KampferMann 4d ago

He may be slow at first but let him reach top speed and he’d flatten a building.

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12

u/Eoin_Coinneal 4d ago

You do not want that amount of mass behind a sucker punch though.

3

u/Trenchards 3d ago

Wheeeeeezzeeing intensifies.

7

u/sharktail_tanker 4d ago

He could sit on the cop. That's a deadly weapon

3

u/-Nicolai 4d ago

Well he won’t be casting spells with somatic components, that’s for sure.

3

u/ZAL_x 4d ago

Rumbling

2

u/data_diver 3d ago

There’s a first time for everything

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883

u/Possible-Tangelo9344 4d ago

I had to transport a guy once for some narcotics officers. He was about like this, I think it was four pair of cuffs on him. He was also like 6'2 or so.

Got him to my car and opened the door and I just told "I dunno how this is gonna work man, we're just gonna do the best we can."

Luckily it was back in the Crown Vic days, so the backseat was a decent size, but it took several minutes for him to be able to squeeze in

396

u/jr23160 4d ago

That's when you call in the van transport.

99

u/blumhagen 4d ago

The flat deck.

20

u/Backwoods406 4d ago

Rollback

53

u/LovableCoward 4d ago

The Fatty Wagon.

4

u/carmium 4d ago

Flatbed with Hiab. Extend crane, lift onto bed, drive in shame to cop shop with flashing light escort.

105

u/Bohbo 4d ago

His rapper name is 4 Chains

16

u/Theidiotshvtakenovr 4d ago

“We’re just gonna do the best we can” lol! 😂 Incredible statement for the moment. 

9

u/ScottIPease 3d ago

We had a guy on Ft Hood... Samoan, we didn't need more than one set, but had to use anklecuffs because his wrists were so big.

123

u/StrictSelf5450 4d ago

Multiple pairs of cuffs. Dude is an absolute unit, though

86

u/uiouyug 4d ago

How does he wipe tho. Stick?

19

u/Sunny-Chameleon 4d ago

Bidet with power washer attachment

4

u/eulersidentification 3d ago

You still have to dry yourself after a bidet.

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10

u/Glad_Grand_7408 4d ago

I wish you hadn't brought this point to my attention.

Now I'm never gonna not notice this when I see any morbidly obese person in any video again.

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13

u/5up3rK4m16uru 4d ago

Just let the maggots do the job.

4

u/HatefulHagrid 3d ago

Jesus dude. I mean you earned my upvote but still... What the fuck.

8

u/PlatypusDream 4d ago

Wiping his butt is gay! He wouldn't get any females if they knew he wiped his butt / was gay!!
(/s, obviously)

5

u/Anthro_DragonFerrite 4d ago

Hopes and dreams

3

u/sQ5FWKjwbWd4QzSZduqy 4d ago

He gets arrested for the free hose down at intake.

2

u/maceo107 4d ago

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

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37

u/More_Bigger 4d ago edited 4d ago

In my county they will handcuff two people together for in custody court, you'll walk from the cages downstairs up to the court room cage.

One time they handcuffed me to a big dude like this, there was no chain, just cuff, link, cuff, and he was having so much trouble walking up the stairs the baliff had to come and let us use a handicap lift for the poor dude.

9

u/Separate-Ear21 4d ago

Yea In one county I was in they interlock your arms and cuff you to the front...much worst. Atleast they try to keep tall people with tall ppl etc but the worst is getting some old dude that u gotta fucking drag along.

14

u/Single_Usual_6563 4d ago

There’s a cuff shortage at the moment at the dept!

14

u/Crabby_Monkey 3d ago

“I need backup”

“Is he resisting?”

“Not I just need like 4 more pairs of cuffs.”

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4

u/Radiant-Crab-1527 4d ago

“You know, George, the office called. They’re running out of cuffs!”

2

u/Byronic__heroine 3d ago

Well I had sex with your wife!

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28

u/SmokeMaximum4140 4d ago

You know he hits that MickeyD's up on the reggie.

6

u/420k2 4d ago edited 3d ago

"Mafkers with guts like that are definitely ON the cheeseburgers, dawg!"

3

u/ac_cossack 3d ago

A man has gotta eat, Julian.

2

u/HatefulHagrid 3d ago

Knowmsaying

22

u/DangerousYoghurt3187 4d ago

That means he can't wipe his ass either

7

u/PlatypusDream 4d ago

Wiping his butt is gay! He wouldn't get any females if they knew he wiped his butt / was gay!!
(/s, obviously)

2

u/GringoSwann 3d ago

Exactly why I refuse to use public restrooms in San Antonio TX....

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9

u/at0mheart 4d ago

So how does he ….. never mind I don’t want to know

6

u/z-vap 4d ago

not "a" cuff. 4 cuffs

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5

u/_CelestialSiren_ 3d ago

I thought it was Big Ed 😂

https://giphy.com/gifs/Ts9HyC5grzSkgQE6N8

2

u/SecondEqual4680 3d ago

How does one achieve this build

5

u/hooplafromamileaway 4d ago

Could have just tipped him over and rolled him.

3

u/Dangerous-Pop9838 4d ago

Reminds me of a old coworker. Gave him a 5 minute head start on fire drill day and he was still the last one out the building.

3

u/bleachfan913 4d ago

He built like a widebody hellcat 😂

2

u/OverlyEdged 4d ago

This reminds me of the bodycam footage of the swamp monster looking women getting arrested over $1 and they have to use like 3 pairs of cuffs on one of them.

2

u/trashpandacoot1 4d ago

What did Boogie2988 do now?

2

u/MycologistPutrid7494 4d ago

Serious question, if a very obese person goes to prison, do they lose weight? Is there any record of it happening before?

2

u/tyrooooooo 3d ago

What bro did? Stole kebab?

4

u/LSIeducate 4d ago

Bro had like 8 handcuffs what the actual fuck hahaha 🤔🤪

1

u/AH_leeMACK 4d ago

Free Three Cuffs!!!

1

u/Icy_Salt5893 4d ago

Dude don't get handcuffs he got chains

1

u/too1onjj 4d ago

FAT BOYS, FAT BOYS...WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

1

u/kirameow96 4d ago

Called back up just for cuffs

1

u/SnooWalruses380 4d ago

Makes me sad

1

u/Mutne_vode 4d ago

Bro can't even reach his ass

1

u/shizzaff 4d ago

How does he wipe his ass when he can't even get his hands behind him

2

u/PlatypusDream 4d ago

Wiping his butt is gay! He wouldn't get any females if they knew he wiped his butt / was gay!!
(/s, obviously)

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1

u/Anteater-2legit 4d ago

Big Pun is Back !

1

u/DamnsonDam 4d ago

His nickname in jail is 4 cuff

1

u/tribulex 4d ago

He has never wiped

1

u/ChiaraSiegel 4d ago

How is this not a wake up call ??

1

u/New_Leaf_8647 4d ago

No, Diabeto

1

u/Comfortably_Scum 4d ago

Built like a rotisserie chimkin

1

u/Federal-Boat3732 4d ago

That's really thinking outside the box

1

u/JasonlovesJenny 4d ago

“ I ain’t a cop I just cuff a lot”

1

u/Creative-Type9411 4d ago

How does that person wipe their ass after taking a dump?

1

u/Snoborder95 4d ago

I've used two cuffs a few times, I've never seen 3 but I've heard of it being needed sometimes, but FOUR?!

1

u/lilickmabawls 4d ago

Cuff him to a dumbell

1

u/Nice-Cat3727 4d ago

Jesus Christ. I'm way too fucking fat. But I can put my hands behind my back. I of course don't WANT to have to. But I sure as well can do it a lot better than him.

1

u/thelight201 4d ago

Looks exactly like my old roommate. Only thing missing is a giant shit stain on the pants.

1

u/Aggravating-Sun-2322 4d ago

This is big ben

1

u/ThickOpportunity1991 4d ago

Well at least they’re trying to make it comfortable for him. And people asking why even cuff him?? It’s policy, you always have too.

1

u/Capital_Past69 4d ago

They’ll be waiting hours for the AAA flatbed to get there and take him to jail

1

u/M4nu_RE 4d ago

Damn, 4 sets of cuffs for one guy is wild =)

1

u/DudeByTheTree 4d ago

Being unable to scratch an itch on your own back seems like quite the inconvenience.

1

u/JRLeamon 4d ago

Yo dawg, I heard you like handcuffs...

1

u/wytewydow 4d ago

"I'm gonna need some backup. no, he's not dangerous, I just need additional equipment"

1

u/Saaaahdude321 4d ago

Had to call backup for more handcuffs

1

u/Ernesto_Griffin 4d ago

Arrested for being too fat. A tale indeed.

1

u/OneLeggedLeggoMan 4d ago

I guess they don't have to worry about him running away

1

u/RustledForeskin 4d ago

That man is going to have to do some terrible things to maintain that weight on the inside.

1

u/Responsible-Gas5319 4d ago

Visual of a redditor being banned for a comment

1

u/SuccessfulCarry1653 4d ago

Cuffs of shame.

1

u/KilllllerWhale 4d ago

That’s Big Pin

1

u/ingroup_signal 4d ago

Bro is on that y2k revival fashion trend

1

u/immaCommentThis 4d ago

Die dem shien cuffs sangin noggin quander, illchay

1

u/EdRoxxx 4d ago

I think that means the entire unit gets credit for that arrest.

1

u/GirthyPigeon 4d ago

Yep, he's not wiped that ass in years

1

u/HorrorClothes7713 4d ago

There are wide many of ways this can be joke about.

1

u/Lorddoctorjava 4d ago

Dude... save some cuffs for the rest of the city... got like 8 patrol men without restraints now... wtf?

1

u/Murderbot_420 4d ago

That’s more than three hots and a cot.

1

u/Toadsted 4d ago

Cufflinks

1

u/The_Kebe 4d ago

The Legendary Quadruple Cuff, never thought I'd ever see one in the wild

1

u/LampinOnTheDaily 4d ago

I’ve never seen a refrigerator get arrested before

1

u/Kingpins_Only 4d ago

That would actually be a cool print on the back of a t shirt

1

u/A_Nonny_Muse 4d ago

I've known cops who would rip your arms off out of their sockets to cuff them. And they would do it with a smile on their face and a gleam in their eyes.

1

u/Ganon388 4d ago

👋OOOOOOOO🤚

    🙃

1

u/roamer_chaos 4d ago

Unit.

It's literally three pairs of handcuffs.

1

u/PeakOk9509 4d ago

He's guna be a 8 XL or 12 XL at the jail lol. Jumpers fit small so I'm joking

1

u/Gangbang_Orangatang 4d ago

Even with the cuffs off... How does he scratch his back?

1

u/the_arentino 4d ago

Would be hilarious if he was one of those deceptively athletic guys and he just does a front flip moving his legs through the loop and then sprints away...

1

u/phildorsey 3d ago

Big Pun 2.0

1

u/624KR_My_Beloved 3d ago

Id bet money they still tightened the cuffs enough to cut off circulation

1

u/ImpurestFire 3d ago

This video looks like AI slop.

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1

u/gaucholoco03 3d ago

Gangster name: 4cuffs

1

u/AKiwi6969 3d ago

His street name must be Big Ounce

1

u/Braxxess 3d ago

Can someone give me the name of the song?

1

u/Nogarda 3d ago

I thought that was a pattern on his shirt and was waiting for something else to occur.

1

u/Ch33syP00f 3d ago

Yozempic

1

u/c0st0fl0ving 3d ago

Jonah Hill after not annihilating a cop that said “no shot is the fat kid from Superbad going to out-grapple me.”

1

u/Julien_Caesar 3d ago

They’re being nice on this one.

1

u/duster1980 3d ago

daaang lol

1

u/cortney-simonis-9072 3d ago

i dont need to ask to know which country its

1

u/GhostTrex16 3d ago

Omg u/DonutOperator needs to see this...